Stop making me want to de-friend you. Thanks.

Morning readers. Its been awhile. Basically, I have no excuse other than I haven't been annoyed enough in the past two weeks to write about anything and I'm not going to make something up because when I do it sounds terrible. And forced. And I hates it. But, never fear, this week, I have been going absolutely insane reading people's status updates on good old Facebook(from here on out referred to as FB). Lets discuss, shall we? *Side Note: In the below paragraphs, you will probably read something that offends you. You may even think I'm talking about you specifically. You should know that I am. But I don't want you to get upset about it. Just mentally or verbally tell me to fuck off and get on with your day, and take solace in knowing that I cry myself to sleep 4-6 nights a week, and that my soul is probably the color of coal.

Alright. So here's the deal. I have remained on Facebook for the simple facts that 1) I'm addicted, and 2)because I like being a creeper and looking at pictures of you in your swimsuit at your cousin's 4th of July BBQ. I also enjoy viewing random youtube links and college humor pics that your friend that I have never met--but I think must be really awesome based on the things he/she says--adds to your wall every now and again. Other than that, I don't do much else on there. Out of all the social networking sites, I have made a conscience decision to only create a FB account. Why? Because MySpace is for child molesters and because Twitter is for douchebags. But between the two of them, MySpace is the lesser of two evils, even though it is riddled with 46 year old men pretending to be 14 year old girls. This is because Twitter is the Internet manifestation of Ego. If you aren't famous, I don't give a shit what you are doing 24 hours a day. I don't need to know what you bought at Trader Joe's--congrats you are so trendy--or what color socks you are wearing, or why you are sad and obviously fishing for someone to ask you what happened. I don't need that shit man. I have enough trouble remembering what day it is, let alone trying to keep track of your every move as well. Because I dislike it so much, if I were an Internet site--shut up just go with it--I would be:

http://www.if-inghatetwitterbecauseitmakesyoulooklikeajackass.org

(we're a non-profit, check us out!) I wish Twitter would Y2K itself and drop off the face of Internet existence forever. Now that you understand the depths of my hatred, we can continue.

Over the past few months, I have noticed an upswing in the trend of using the FB status update in the way one would use a Twitter account. More and more people are misusing the status update, so although Ive posted about this before, I've decided to revisit it again, to refresh every one's memory. So here are 10 Simple Rules for the Proper Use of the FB Status Update:

1)You shouldn't be updating your status every hour. An acceptable amount of changes per day is 3-6. This doesn't include any changes you need to make due to spelling errors. You are allowed an infinite number of spelling error changes, mainly because I myself suck at spelling, and I am the one making these rules.

2)Please don't put up mutiple stat-ti that are inside jokes or a vague references that only 1-4 other people will understand. No one is impressed that you have friends and that you laugh and giggle and have pillow fights and braid each other's hair and make Nestle Tolehouse cookies together. You have 100+ other people on FB that are being forced to read your shit every time they log in--I know you can hide people's updates, again, shush it, or this blog will wither and die and I will implode from rage toxicity. Just please, stop it. We aren't in middle school anymore.

3)I don't need to hear about your drama through a status update...or preferably, at all. I don't need to know that you got in a fight with your baby daddy or that your best friend slept with your wife, or that you cant believe what your boss said to you today. I don't care. I really don't. I'm sorry if you are having a rough day, but there are people dying of starvation in like 74% of the rest of the world, so you can see how your petty drama might be a thorn in the backside of my otherwise relaxing Internet experience.

4)The more exclamation points and smiley faces you use, the more I don't believe whatever words are before said punctuation. I get that things in life occur that are exciting, and believe it or not, I do have emotions other than anger and spite, but if you are constantly overusing punctuation and emoticons that convey feelings of happiness and joy, I have a hard time taking you seriously. I'm sorry. I cant help it. No one should ever be so excited about getting ice cream to warrant more than 2, maybe 3 exclamation points at most.

5)If you feel the need to constantly talk about how much in love you are with your significant other, I will just assume that divorce proceedings/paperwork are in the process of being filed. Yes love is wonderful and sometimes we want to shout about it from the rooftops, but really, I don't want to hear about it every day. From my experience, the best things about love and the person you love are the things you keep just between the 2 of you. Not things that you feel all 473 of your FB friends want to know. *Side Note: If you happen to be a dude who gets all lovely dovey in your status update on a regular basis, I will assume that your wife either has access to your FB account, or that you haven't had control of your own genitals for quite some time. Either way, I'm sorry.

6)Stop telling me "I love life" "Life is perfect" "Life couldn't be better" "Life is amazing" or some variation of this sentiment. Its rude. Think of the people in the FB community who have no life. Who sit alone and eat stouffers mac n cheese every night in front of old reruns of Law & Order SVU on TNT (the ones before Ice-T sold out and became Dick Wolf's bitch.) There are people like that out there. I'm not kidding. And for you to constantly throw in their faces how amazingly kick ass your life is, isn't just mean, its considered a hate crime...against Lonelies.....that's the technical term. So knock it off.

7)Do not, I repeat, do not put up a controversial status update (ie your feelings on the death penalty, abortion, politics, illegal immigrants, etc) if you aren't willing to step up and intelligently defend your argument. I have had many FB debates on a variety of hot topics, and the ones that I value the most, are ones where someone with a differing viewpoint than my own is able to defend their position with fact and critical thinking. If you put up "Obama sucks" and cant tell me in detail, specific reasons on why YOU think he does, with examples and cited sources,and instead spew some garbage you are simply parroting from watching FOX, then you should know, I am internally hoping that you get curb stomped on your way home from work that day.

8) I'm not religious. That's ok if you are. But I would appreciate if you didn't use your FB status update as a means of conversion. Your status update isn't a viral Jehovah's Witness. Stop sending it to my door in its white shirt and tie and bike helmet asking me if I want to accept Jesus Christ as my Personal Lord and Savior. Because 1) I don't, and 2) I'm getting tired of pretending to listen to it for 5 minutes and then acting like the phone is ringing and awkwardly shutting the door in its metaphorical face.

9) If you are doing any kind of activity/big event at some point in the future, I don't need to see a countdown update every other day as your status. I am happy for you that you are excited that you are: getting married, graduating from grad school, running a marathon, or trying out for America's Got Talent. Those are all exciting things, that I'm sure you are really pumped about. But, the thing is, you are the one that is really pumped about it. No one else is as pumped about it to need to know that there are " 361 days to go!!!!.....only 360 days now!!!!... 359 short days till the big one!!" None of us care that much. I'm sorry. And the few that do, are already keeping track on their own to begin with, so all your updates do is let me know that you really want me & all of FB to know how cool you are for doing said thing.

10) And lastly,I do not need to know about your physical ailments/maladies unless they are written in a way that is comedic in nature. I'm sorry if you are sick. I'm sorry if you broke your wrist. I'm sorry if you have had a cold in the summer for the past 3 weeks. All those things suck, and I do feel bad for you. I just don't want a fucking update every time your poop changes color. I don't need to know about vomit, or colons, or mucus, or exploratory surgeries, or collapsed lungs. Unless your lung collapsed because a squirrel ran out in front of you while you were biking home, and you landed on a landmine, I don't want the details.


So now you know what not to do. If I have offended you beyond belief, Im sorry. Dont take me seriously. I very rarely do. Have a blessed day. And go outside for Gods sake. Its summer. That only happens for like 2 weeks out of the year here. Have a lovely weekend sexies.