Im annoying too, so dont worry about it

Good morning lovely readers, and a happy Friday to you all. I am lying in bed trying not to be sick because after you pass the age of 23, drinking until 2 am stops being fun mainly because you stop being good at it. So in conclusion, happy birthday to my cousin Mal. I love you. Thanks for driving me back to Shoreview at 2 in the morning. Holla

Alright. So it has been brought to my attention that the things I have said, the words I have typed on this Internet canvas of thoughts, has been offending and upsetting to some. Upon hearing this, part of me thinks go fuck yourself, I say on here 17 thousands times a post not to take me seriously. But another bigger, better hidden part of my soul actually feels bad that I might be causing someone else out there to feel stupid or self conscience. Because, it may be hard to believe, but that's actually the last thing I ever wanted to come out of this blog. I write because 1) I love writing 2) I'm fairly good at it 2a) To get better at something you need to practice And the main reason, 3) To try and get people to think more critically about why they do the things they do and say the things they say. I can say to you, that only in the last 1-2 years have I began the difficult task of thinking critically about my own actions and thoughts. It is extremely hard to take a magnifying glass to your soul and try to figure out why you act the way you do. Why? Because the truth is scary!! It is! And once you know the truth, you have the even more difficult task of rewiring your brain to start stopping the negative habits and thought patterns you have spent the better part of your life creating. And its not easy trying to overwrite the years of messed up shit that your brain has decided to label as reality.

So when I say something like "your FB status update that begs me to ask why you are sad makes me want to punch you", or "you feeling the need to force conversation in an elevator makes me want to scream" what I'm really saying to you is "why do you feel the need to tell everyone personal shit on FB? Whats really happening in that head of yours? and "Your inability to stand in silence is odd, what do you think is going on there?" Those are the points I'm trying to get across. Of course, I do throw in a healthy dose of straight up complaining as well, but that's mainly for comedic effect. And because I'm hilarious. But I want you to know that I actually do have an ulterior motive in posting these things, and that's mainly to help people wake up to the realities of their own souls. I know. That's probably the deepest thing you have read in a month. Ill be signing autographs from 2-4:30 outside the Barnes and Noble off of Snelling. But bring your own pen. I'm sick of losing good pens to pen thieves at these PR events.

Ok so where were we? Ah yes. Unbeknown to you, the things in life that bug or annoy or drive me crazy about you, also bug and annoy and drive me crazy about me. The only difference is, I am self aware enough to actually know the reason behind why I'm doing these annoying things, which is the tool I hope to pass on to you lovely people as well. Now, it may come as a surprise to you--set down your coffee I don't want you to drop it on your keyboard--but I am actually not perfect either. So I thought, what better way to prove to you that I'm not just an evil bitch that likes to make you feel like shit on a weekly basis than to tell you some of the truth revelations I have discovered about myself in the last few years. Also, this is a good way to show you what I mean about critical thinking applied to personal reflection. And begin.

1) I am an attention whore. I love it. I do. I wish I didn't because it makes me feel like a 5 year old with ADHD, but I cant help it. The difference between you & me, is that I have learned subtle ways of forcing you to give me attention without appearing to care if you are or not. Those of you already awakened to this way of critical thinking can see right through my attempts at subtlety to the tiny child inside jumping up and down shouting "please pay attention to me"

2) I think I'm ridiculously clever. That's why when I write these blog posts and FB status updates I sit and wait for you people to respond and tell me how clever I am. Which you always do. So thank you for pumping up the Ego the Buddha side of me is so desperately trying to kill.

3) Depending on the day, I either think I'm more attractive than I am, or think I'm less attractive than I am. Usually its more attractive. And I will pretend that I don't give a shit what I look like, but in reality, I care a lot. I broke out from my derby helmet and immediately bought a 3 month supply of Proactive. So yeah. I care. I'm not above it either.

4) I second guess my self. People that don't know me well, or aren't especially observant are always surprised if I share that I get self conscience sometimes. But I do. It happens. And it sucks.

5) I care what you think. I really really really don't want to. And I'm good at pretending I don't. And sometimes I genuinely don't. But for the most part, I don't like thinking anything I have done has caused someone to feel bad or get upset. So if I do upset you, lets talk about it shall we? We can Dr. Phil it up.

6) I try to appeal to my audience. Which would be super lame and poser-ish if I didn't actually like lots of different things, but is still lame. Just not super lame. Because if I know you freaking love video games, I'm going to bring up Allen Wake because I want to impress you--see I just did it. I also feel compelled to change the radio station in my car based on who is sitting in the car next to me. Hmmm you have unwashed hair and are wearing a hemp necklace, time for some Radio K....and you over there in the Escalade, lets crank up B96. I actually do like both these stations, but why the fuck should I care if a perfect stranger thinks I'm cool? Ridiculous.

The list goes on. But more importantly, once you get to the point of 1) thinking about what you do 2) realizing what you are actually doing and then 3) figuring out Why you are doing what you are doing, then comes the hard part. How to fix it? If I feel compelled to win over a complete stranger by what radio station I'm playing, the bigger issues is why do I care what a stranger thinks of me in the first place? I care because I want to be liked by everyone. I want to be liked by everyone because I don't completely like myself. I don't completely like myself because I had a jacked up view of of reality for most of my life and never developed positive self image. See how it works? Its like an onion. Just start peeling back the layers. It can get uncomfortable and scary. But I promise you, once you start doing this, your life will become more clear and more meaningful. Once you get down to the very bottom layer, and see yourself in all your messed up glory, then you can begin the rebuilding process, which will in time lead you to complete self acceptance and inner peace. Doesnt that sound great? I think so.

So now you know. Take some time every day to think critically. About yourself, about the media, about politics about religion. About something. For the love of God. Because if we don't all start thinking more critically, I'm seriously concerned that the movie Idiocracy is well on its way to becoming a reality.

Have a good weekend peeps. Love & kisses.