You seem like an angry son of a bitch.....wanna make out?

Goooooooood Afternoon Readers! I'm here. Just running late. Making the dollar dollar bills and such. Paying my automobillls, and paying my telephonebillls, and whatever the hell else they say in that Destiny's Child song.

First I have some shout outs to get out of the way:
1) Jonny P: you will get your Lebron post...I cant say when, and by the time its finished you will have probably forgotten you asked me to write it. But just hang in there.
2) Abe: Thank you for being such a dedicated reader. Seriously. I need someone to kick my ass into shape or I get lazy. So keep harassing me when I forget to write something every week.
3)Dad: I'm going to be talking about attraction....and everything that goes along with that. I know you read this. Thank you for being a huge supporter. I promise not to get graphic. But I thought I should warn you ahead of time.


So Ive been thinking about what makes a person attractive lately. There is supposed to be this universal ideal of beauty, like National Geographic spent all this money to do a study on perceptions of beauty around the world, and they came to the conclusion that there is no one universal aspect of beautiful people, but rather that people across the global are attracted to symmetry, and therein lies the key to being hot...or something. I don't know, the study was kind of bogus and then they were charging money to have you print off this map thing you could hold your face up to in the mirror to see how ugly you were by how far off the mark your face was with this print out of perfect symmetry. I may or may not have purchased this map and then refused to get out of bed for 5 days after. No one really knows.

ANYWAYS

So we know that as humans, we are pretty visual beings. So supposedly, the nicer someone is to look at, the more attracted we will be to said person. Big boobs attract most men. Strong shoulders and back, make most ladies say "heeeeeeey". And I'm going to assume for all my homosexual or Bi friends out there that the same holds true because its easier to do that than spending the time doing the research. Please forgive me. But sometimes physical beauty isn't enough. I mean, lets be honest, there are only probably 1-2 perfect 10s--physically speaking--that you know in your entire circle of acquaintances. This holds true no matter if you are male or female, straight or gay. And those perfect 10s are probably already taken, or if not, you may have tried to get with him or her and have been shot down. Because lets face it. If you are wasting your time reading Internet blogs on Friday afternoon, its safe for me to assume you aren't one of the perfect 10s. But don't give up hope just yet! I'm going to do you a favor. I'm going to tell you the top 9 most attractive features any male or female can have, and I'm going to help you get that date, or booty call, or ring, or whatever it is you are after.

So here goes:

***Top 9 Most Attractive Features for Men and Women in no particular order***

1) Being attractive: I'm sorry. Its true. If you are born lucky and are tall and have sexy blond hair and naturally white teeth, and baby blue eyes, things in life are just going to be easier for you. If you are almost legally a midget like me, guys will set their drinks on your head as they lean over to hit on the super model you happen to be standing next to in line for the bathroom at ShoutHouse.

2) Confidence, but not the douchey/fake kind: There is a huge difference between 'I'm confident and don't give a shit what you think' as compared to 'I'm confident because my mom has told me how wonderful I am my entire life and I played Varsity football, and I like to buy all my shirts from Baby Gap to show off my rockin pectorals." Let me give you some real life examples to make the distinction more clear: Slug from Atmosphere---sexy confidence. He doesn't give a shit what you think about him. Deep down he might, but his very being doesn't derive meaning from whether or not you like him. Or at least that's what I gather from his songs. Now: unsexy confidence, which is to say, false confidence--John Mayer. Sorry, you knew I was going there. Read my blog on him if you want to know more.

3) Motivation/Drive: Does this make me seem like a gold digger? Perhaps. What I really mean, is that people who are driven, who have something they are passionate about, who want to do something with their lives, are sexier than people who are not. I know this, because I am one of the least motivated people you will ever meet. And I don't want to date you if you aren't motivated either because then we will both just sit around on our asses all day, and get nothing accomplished, and the house will fall down around us until someone finally says enough is enough. So if you are lazy like me, you better damn well have something else going for you, or say hello to a house full of cats and a freezer full of single serving Red Barron Pizzas.

4) Intelligence: I don't care what anyone has ever told you. Smart people are fucking sexy. They are. If you can speak about and debate current global topics, if you understand complicated math and science concepts,if you get what it means when I make a joke about the Mason Dixon Line, if you like to read, if you can have a conversation on topics other than sports or reality tv, if you can watch a group of people and pick up on the social cues(emotional intelligence), if you are good at intelligent arguing, if alternate realities and black holes and dark matter gives you a boner, you should know, you are hot.

5) You got to get Angry every once in a while: Don't make me feel weird about this. Anger is sexy. I'm not talking give me two black eyes and punch me in the kidneys till I pee blood anger. I'm saying, seeing a potential mate or actual mate get a little rilled up every once in a while is good. Lets you know they are still ticking. I'm going to bullshit and say that this derives from some evolutionary bi product of wanting to pick a mate that is able to defend you & your young, but really I know I'm just messed up. Its ok. I have been like this since I was little. Raphael was my favorite Ninja Turtle. Also, I married a Russian/Irishman. Stop judging, I'm trying to help you get some ass here.

6) Being able to hold sustained Eye Contact during conversation: Sounds weird. Honestly, this is huge, but only use this if you have definitive evidence that the object of your desire is somewhat interested in you as well. If not, you just come off creepy. But really, a person who can maintain eye contact, and isn't the first to look away. Bam. That's it right there. Goes along with confidence. You can do it!

7) Knowing what your best physical assets are: I don't write these things to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. That being said, since none of us are perfect 10s, lets agree that we all have certain physical characteristics that are better than others. The key to attracting a mate, is playing your best physical assets up enough to trick that potential mate into talking to you in the first place. Once you've got them interested, any of the features listed above will help woo them to whatever ends you have in mind. You don't have to have a perfect body or perfect teeth or perfect hair or a perfect face to be sexy. Sexy is a state of mind, and to help get you there, focus on the things about yourself that you really do like. Put glitter on those things. Make them shiny. That will draw people in like moth to a flame and will distract them from whatever other physical characteristics you aren't as fond of. I know I'm supposed to tell you to love yourself the way you are, but nothing about society reinforces that sentiment, and if you were born any time after 1935, you will probably never get close to 100% acceptance, so lets just make the best of what we have shall we? We shall.

8) Humor: If you are funny, you have just gotten the proverbial panties off 75% of the people in the room. Really. I don't know why, but meeting someone with a good sense of humor is a huge turn on for most people. Being able to laugh at yourself and to recognize things that are funny or odd, allows you to connect with people on a more intimate level than general conversation for some reason. Use this to your advantage.

9) Heart: Now what the hell does this mean? I couldn't think of a better word, so deal. What I mean is, it's nice to find out that under that tough exterior, there is something vulnerable and something with feelings in the person you are attracted to. I will 100% agree that nice guys do finish last, but no one wants to be with a complete asshole either. Its ok if you cried a little when your dog died, or if hearing about the disaster in the Gulf made you upset. Side Note*I think we can all agree the reason nice guys finish last is because they aren't getting angry enough. See I told you. Ladies, don't be afraid to show your emotions either. I am the type of person that cries at the drop of a hat, which is really embarrassing. But, I have learned that trying to hide this fact does nothing for me, because in the long run, if whomever I'm with cant handle it, then they aren't worth it anyways. Booyah.


So there you go. Use these words of wisdom to get the most out of your weekend. Go forth my children and multiply. And usthe protection whence thy multiple to prevent sores and pestilence of thy nether regions.

I love you all. Peace out.