I heart Tattoos

Happy Friday People

I would like to start out this posting by reminding you how incredibly lucky you are if you have a job that doesn't require you to sacrifice your dignity and every shred of self worth you may still possess while paying you a whopping $7.25 an hour. Last night I was driving home and there was a dude standing on the corner of 96 and Hodegson dressed like an upside down piece of pepperoni pizza. Apparently a PaPa Murphy's just opened in the one strip mall Shoreview has. This form of advertising is hilarious and super depressing all at the same time. Mainly because the suit seemed too big on him and he had to walk like you figure a piece of pepperoni pizza would walk, kind of shuffling side to side, and then to top it off, the apex of his head was kind of drooping down so the point hung a little bit over his face, so as you can well imagine, I was alternating between laughing hysterically and sobbing for the full 4 minutes I had to wait at the damn stop light. And to make matters worse, he was holding his sign by one corner and waving it around sadly and acting like what I imagine the Rainman version of a giant piece of walking pepperoni pizza would act like. In conclusion, be thankful for your boring desk job. Because, damn.

Alright so a good friend of mine recently decided she is going to get her first tattoo. We have been discussing tattoos and all the things that go along with them for the last few days now. All this conversation got me thinking about tattoos and the various misconceptions and truths that most people hold about them. For those that may not know, I'm Pro-Tattoo and currently have 5, and am quickly on my way to 7. So I know what the junk I'm talking about more than your average tramp-stamper or barbed wire around the bicep dude.

So here we go: A List of Facts about Tattoos. Begin. **Side Note: On further review of this piece, I use the word "cool" way too many times. Please excuse this. Thank you.

* Most people get tattoos because they think they look cool. No matter what they tell you. Its true. That's why I did/do. I think tattoos are bad ass and honestly think they bring a person's attractiveness up a few notches. **Side Note: What you choose to put on your body is a major factor in whether or not your tattoo makes you hotter. That Tweety Bird wearing a Packers jersey on the back of your calf was probably not the best decision you've ever made.

* Tattoos fucking hurt. For the love of god, do NOT be one of those A holes that goes around telling people "yeah mine didn't hurt at all...psssh I don't get why people say they hurt....because they totally don't." So you're saying that a pain which could be described as the metaphorical offspring of a repeated bee string and hot candle wax being spilled on your skin doesn't, in fact, hurt? No sir, you are wrong. It fucking hurts. But in a good way.

* People that tell you they like the pain they feel from being tattooed are being douchey & attention seeking. Ignore it.

* You will never feel cool enough in any tattoo parlor you go into anywhere in the world. Ever. So just get used to it. Most of the people that work the desk in tattoo shops are a strange breed of college drop out/wanna be rock star/organic vegan/Urban Outfitter mother fuckers. Don't get me wrong. Some of them are actually cool and non-judgey. But a lot of them aren't. And a lot of them will act way cooler than you. And a lot of them will roll their eyes when you show them the tattoo idea you have. Because you aren't wearing clothes that were made to look like they haven't been washed in a month, or because you aren't covered head to toe in piercings or old school sailor tattoos. Ignore them. They suck. The tattoo artist will be way cooler and that's the only person you need to worry about anyways.

* Don't get a tattoo just to get a tattoo. Really. Wait until you have thought of something you absolutely love. I have never in my life gone into a tattoo parlor and picked out something off the wall or out of one of the binders. I'm not telling you this to sound unique or cool. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to regret getting something permanently stuck into your skin. Use the books and flashes to get ideas. Its way more fun to come up with an idea and have an artist help create what you're thinking. That's why they are there. They get paid to draw cool shit, and make it real for you on your skin. So don't be afraid to use your artist to the max.

* Where on your body you decide to get your tattoo says a lot about you. In my humble opinion, you get tattoos because you want them to be seen. Getting a tattoo that never sees the light of day is the equivalent of buying a genuine Dali and then hanging it up behind the drapes because you are afraid of what people might think if they see it hanging there in your living room. But Maria, you say, if I want a good job, I will end up working in a place that doesn't allow me to have tattoos. I say to you, bullshit. I have 3 forearm tattoos. When I go into an interview, guess what? They are covered up. Why? Because I'm not an idiot and know that the majority of people in the Midwest still equate visible tattoos with rabble rousing and general no goodnick-ness. So, the key is to wow them with your interpersonal skills, get the job, work your ass off, prove your worth, and then start wearing short sleeves again. You have just proved that any misconceptions they may have had about your tattoos being an indicator of your work ethic were incorrect. Go you. Break down those barriers.

* That being said, if you get a tattoo in a visible place, get used to being asked about it. If you are getting something extremely personal that you don't want other people inquiring about, don't get it in a visible place. Because you will get asked. And people will be douchey about it. And you might get offended. For me, I enjoy talking about my tattoos. Most of them are hard to explain because they signify an idea or rule I want to live by, and no matter how simply you try to explain it, you just end up sounding like an after school special and people give you a look of disgust like you just quoted something from "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"...

*...but that's ok. Your tattoo is just that, yours. Don't let anyone's opinion of it bring you down if it means something to you.....

*...but if you got it wasted, or on a dare, or because everyone else was getting one, and if you cant explain to me what it means to you, you should know, I will be internally judging you UNLESS you are honest and say "I have no idea why I got this. I was trying to be cool" in which case, I will probably ask to make out with you.

* Tattoos are addictive. Its completely true. You have been forewarned. But only if you are a person that actually likes tattoos, and didn't just get one one time to say you have a tattoo. Oh Jesus. Am I saying that if you only have one tattoo that you are a poser? Kind of. I don't know anyone who actually loves tattoos that has just one.

* That being said, having multiple tattoos used to be part of the diagnostic criteria of antisocial personality disorder in the DSM---which is the book mental health practitioners used to help in the diagnosing of mental disorders. I don't know what to say about this. I think there could be something to it, but at the same time, ancient cultures around the world have been tattooing and practicing different forms of body modification since the beginning of time, so in actuality, the DSM's usage of tattoos in helping to diagnose mental illness probably has no real merit. Being different doesn't automatically mean you are crazy anymore.

* Tattoos are expensive. But they should be. You are paying an artist to create permanent customized artwork on your body. So start filling up your piggy bank if you have a particularly large or complicated piece you are sweet on.

* For the love of Jehovah, don't pick the damn thing. It will scab over. And for you gross scab pickers out there--I'm not a scab picker, I'm an ingrown hair puller--just leave it be. Because picking it will fuck up the design. That's not a load of hooey. Its true.


* Just go do it. If you really like the idea you have, if you are getting something in memory of a person or pet or event, just make the damn consultation appointment already. Don't spend hours worrying about what other people will think. Life is waaaay too short.

*And finally, its just a tattoo. Its not that big of a deal. Its not the end of the world if you hate in 5 years. It doesn't make or break who you are as a person, or at least you shouldn't let it. Its just ink and skin. Don't over think it.


And that's a wrap. A delicious wrap. Peace out. And I leave you with this final thought "Don't hate the player, hate the game". Have a good weekend.