Hello. Good Morning. Thats a new song by P Diddy. Check it out its hot. In other news, helllllllo again! I took a week off because I was nervous about derby tryouts, but Im back. Hooray for you.
Many of you have ridden in an elevator. I will go out on a limb and say most of you. If you have, you will have noticed that an elevator is a special place, one with a certain set of rules and social mores that need to be observed and followed at all times. The reason for this, is that an elevator it literally a 8x4 foot rectangle without windows, where you are forced to stand in close proximity to people that you most likely dont know, or dont know well enough to want to be brushing elbows with. In what other social situation are you forced to do something this preposterous? None. Public transportation--bus or subway? Nope. There is more space, you can sit in seats, there are windows to look out of to ease the tension/the urge to stare at the person 3 inches away from you, and the ever important ability to bring your own personal distraction device: ipod, newspaper, cell phone--for games, not talking, book, or hey, you can even take a nap! But guess what? You cant do any of those things on an elevator. Why? Because unless you work in the Burj Khalifa, *Side Note: when you type in Worlds Tallest Building, the 3rd google image that pops up is of a lady with gamungo boobs. I dont know why* you will not have the time to partake in any of those distractions. An elevator does not allow you enough time to use the tools necessary to distance yourself from unwanted social interaction, but at the same time, the ride is usually just long enough to make you feel uncomfortable or to cause you to internally cringe 3-4 times based on whatever awkwardness you have been forced to partake in or observe.
Now,if you work in a normal place of business, you might not have any issues or problems with this elevator awkwardness. The elevator for you is simply a modern convenience that allows you easy and relatively fast access to different parts of your building. If you work in a place like I do, the elevator is a myriad of confusion, anxiety, and shame. Because of this, I have developed a simple set of rules that should always be followed when in an elevator. Begin.
1)No cell phone usage. If you are in an elevator full of people, please for the love of god get off your damn cell phone. I do not need to hear you discussing what you are going to have for dinner tonight with your spouse. I also dont want to hear whatever cool plans you think you have going on this weekend, as you casually glance my direction 17 times to see if Im listening to how cool you are. Im not. Stop it. And I really dont want to hear that the test results came back positive and that you really need to meet in person with whatever skeezebag you are on the line with. If you are alone in the elevator, and are on your phone, fine. Not a problem. If you started out alone, but on the ride down have picked up a few more travelers, politely tell whomever you are speakng to "hey Im on an elevator, will call you back in a few" Thats like a guilt free way out of any phone conversation. In fact, I sometimes use that if Im trying to watch Ghost Hunters and I cant get my grandma to stop telling me about how the neighbor's cat was run over by a car.
2) If, in your rush to get the hell out of the elevator as fast as possible, you accidentally get out on the wrong floor, please just get back in. We can all tell that you fucked up because you are looking around and blinking wildly like a newborn in the sun. Its obvious you made a mistake. We dont care. Mistakes happen. Just get back on the damn thing instead of, after 3 confusing seconds, pretending to walk to your destination on floor 5, that doesnt exist, because its really on floor 7. You arent fooling anyone cowboy.
3) If Im on the elevator alone, please dont feel the need to talk to me. We are both in here for one reason, and one reason only: to get somewhere else faster than walking. We arent here to make friends. This isnt kindergarten. Asking me about the weather or making a vague reference to a local news story does nothing but force me think of something nice/clever/funny to say in a timespan of 2 seconds. And I cant do that. Thats why I write. I have all the time in the world to appear clever and funny and smart. You forcing me to try and condense that into 15 seconds or less causes me to have a series of small seizures that you cant see, but that I know are there. And by the time we even get our little fake conversation rolling, the door has opened and one of us is awkwardly trying to walk away while hurriedly finishing the train of thought garbage that is still spewing from one of our mouths before the door shuts and we never see each other again. Was that really worth all the stress it just caused us both? No sir, no it was not.
4) In the elevators I frequent, the space is usually much wider than a normal elevator because I take the freight elevators because Im the coolest. Anyways, the extra space allows for people to stand facing each other, instead of the normal facing the doors stance. I dont know why, but even I do it too. It feels like you could run laps in the thing, so for some reason, the natural instinct is to lean back against the side and face inwards. This causes the inevitable staring phenomenon that 75% of elevator riders seem to partake in. Didnt we learn about this back in like 2nd grade? Its not polite to stare. Especially when the person you are staring at is 3 feet away and could tell that you are staring at them from every conceivable angle because the dimensions of this damn box are all still within the normal range of human peripheral vision. Lady. I can see you judgingly giving me the up and down. Im sorry my toenails are a mess. I realize my hair isnt in top form either, but really, you need to pretend to be playing with your phone or something because if that door doesnt open in 4 more seconds, you are going to be staring at my fist in your eye.
5)I work on the 6th floor. If I get in the elevator on the 6th floor and you get in on the 5th, and then hit the button for 4, you better have a fake leg or be losing your toes to diabetes, because you have just added 30 more seconds to this nightmare that I wouldnt have had to deal with if it wasnt for your sloth. One flight of stairs wont kill you. That scary dog with 2 legs that hops like a kangaroo does stairs. Ive seen it on youtube. If she can do it, you can too.
6) Please please please if you are carrying anything on your person that has a strong odor of any kind, please take the stairs. I dont care if you think it is something that smells good, ie your leftovers, a scented candle, your perfume.....because even though your ride may have only been two floors, the rest of us that use the elevator will have to smell your Chanel #5 for the rest of the god damn day. And by noon, that shit has been mixing will all the other people's smells and by the time I get on on 6:15, when those doors open, I hit a brick wall of BO and reheated Noodles & Company, and Axe, and I have to conscientiously hold back the vomit, and you really dont want me to add that smell to this mess either. So please, stair it.
7)If you see someone coming and the doors are just starting to shut, dont be an asshole, hit the door open button. I am constantly holding elevators for people, and constantly getting dirty looks from the other people already in the elevator with me. Oh Im sorry, I didnt realize you getting to you desk to start up the first round of solitaire was more important than common human decency.
7a)I think I take this viewpoint because I have had so many experiences of people not holding doors for me. Two especially memorable ones: One lady on the elevator, I see it starting to close, I do the "oh hey wait" smile and jog, annnd I watch her reach and hit the door close button. How do I know that was the button she pushed? Because freight elevators generally have doors on both sides, and because of this, have number pads on both sides. I watched her hit "Door close". Thanks. Second one, same scenario, except 3 ladies in the elevator, I jog up, grab the doors, and literally start doing a Superman trying to hold them open. Apparently the sensor that is supposed to stop doors from closing on people wasnt working because now I am stuck holding these doors so they dont shut on me, and instead of any of these women helping me hold the doors, or pushing the door open button, they all just stand there staring at me as the doors get closer and closer to crushing me to death. Nice. Thanks again.
And 8) Why is every elevator I have ever ridden in named OTIS? That is just silly. Plus, Im pretty sure that means the elevator market is a monopoly. Why isnt anyone doing anything about this??
And Im spent. Have a good weekend. And go check out PRIDE Parade this Sunday!!
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