Why John Mayer is a Douche Bag

Happy Friday my lovelies. It is currently pouring rain in the suburb I inhabit, so on par with Minnesota weeks in the summer, this downpour means that it will be shitty and raining all weekend, and sunny and glorious come Monday when we all go back to work. Hooray!

Remember John Mayer? Hes that guy that makes really weird faces when he sings for no apparent reason. I think he came on the scene back in like 2000. I used to enjoy his music. Room for Squares & Heavier Things both have a fair number of decent tracks on them. And aside from the weird faces, he didn't seem like such a bad dude.

But, then he went ahead and wrote "Who Says". And now I hate him. Its a song about John sticking it to The Man, man, and explaining how he can smoke pot if he wants to. When asked about the drug reference in the song, John has said: "When I sing it, I do not think about marijuana — I think about walking around your house naked with a guitar. It's about being in control of the pleasure in your life." Ummm...wait, what? If you are going to write a song about standing up for your beliefs, probably the worst thing you can do to discredit yourself is immediately denying what you wrote the damn song about in the first place!!! Its not about pot John, really?? So you're saying that you call being a creeper and walking around the house naked with an instrument "getting stoned"? I hate people. Oh & he used the N word in a Rolling Stone article claiming he was trying to be "ironic", but that's for a different posting.

So to prove to you what a douche he is, I'm going to dissect the lyrics of 'Who Says' line by line. *Side Note: If you haven't ever heard this song, type it in on Google, and the first thing that pops up should be the ILike link that you can listen to for free. And, begin:


1st Verse
"Who says I can't get stoned"---technically no one. You just cant get stoned and get caught. Or get caught with more than an eighth on your person at one time. Wow John, you are like, so progressive and radical. Wait, what...where are you from again? Bridgeport,Connecticut? Lots of free thinkers and working class there. Yeah. You tell The Man that he cant tell you what to do John. Yeah. Tell Him. PS-I think "The Man" is probably your dad.

"Turn off the lights and the telephone"--really? He obviously isn't getting stoned then. That shit would be scary. Turning off the lights. Fuck that.

"Me in my house alone"--Again? hello? Scary.

Who says I can't get stoned"--If I repeat it, people will think Im super radical and cool!



2nd Verse
"Who says I can't be free"--Al-Qaeda

"From all of the things that I used to be"--like a rich, spoiled poser? Nope, try again, still there. No matter how many tattoos you get on your forearms.

"Rewrite my history"--Im sure you want to. I would too. But until we successfully construct a time machine, you have to deal with your past like the rest of us. By repressing it and letting it come out in random angry rageful bursts...that occur most frequently on Friday mornings.

"Who says I can't be free"--repeating lyrics again? Now you are just being lazy John. I bet that's from all the pot you weren't smoking as you wrote this.



3rd verse
"It's been a long night in New York City"--in your swank penthouse suite? I doubt it.

"It's been a long night in Baton Rouge"--wait you have 2 houses? Im confused. Where are you?

"I don't remember you looking any better"--thats actually kind of nice. Thank you.

"But then again I don't remember you"---annnnnd you ruined it. Just when I think that maybe you arent a complete dick, you had to go and tell me that you dont, in fact, remember who I am. Im inclined to believe that John is trying to insinuate that he gets so much ass, he cant keep all the women in his life straight. The fact that he needs to tell us that, leads to another fact, that he probably has a small penis.



4th verse
"Who says I can't get stoned"--Jesus we get it already, you like pot. We think you're cool. Please stop trying so hard.

"Call up a girl that I used to know"--ok, that sounds not too bad.

"Fake love for an hour or so"--and again, you ruined it. So you're going to call an ex and 'pretend' to like her and care about whats going on in her life during an hour long phone convo?? Apparently rich people dont need to worry about prime time minutes. And are you that bored and lonely that you find amusement in confusing Jessica Simpson more than she is already confused? Thats like pretending to throw a ball for a dog, and watching it search around and get all excited while you hold the damn thing next to your leg.

"Who says I can't get stoned"--I refuse to comment on this line anymore.



5th verse
"Who says I can't take time"--you are a musician. You get to rock and roll all night and party every day. And if your PR rep told you you had to do something you didnt want to, you would just fire her and get a new one anyway. Acting like you dont get to do whatever you want, whenever you want, is an insult to my intelligence sir.

"Meet all the girls in the county line"--woah woah woah. Wait a damn minute. You spend your free time hanging out at the welfare office? I work at one John. I have never seen you, or anyone else even close to famous there. Dont pretend that you are so down to earth that you go talk to/hang out with poor people in your free time. You dont. If you came into my office you would probably shit your pants.

"Wait on fate to send a sign"--I have no idea what this means in this context. Neither does John. The words had the right iambic pentameter, and rhymed so he threw them in for good measure.

"Who says I can't take time"--At this point in the song I'm hitting my head against a wall in the hopes that I pass out. And quiet you. Yes I could change the station, but then I wouldn't have anything to bitch about and you wouldn't have anything to read on Friday mornings, so lets just agree to disagree.



6th verse
"It's been a long night in New York City"--you already said that

"It's been a long night in Austin too"--wait so you actually have 3 houses?

"I don't remember you looking any better"--I know where this is going. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...

"But then again I don't remember you"--Thanks. No one would remember your goofy ass either if you didnt have friends in high places. And for god's sake open your damn eyelids. Walking around looking stoned all the time isnt cool anymore. But wait, thats right,you dont in fact smoke pot, you just write about smoking pot.



7th verse
"Who says I can't get stoned"

"Plan a trip to Japan alone"--Japan? Really? That would take a lot of time and money and researching to end up going alone. Wouldn't you be scared? I would be. But wait, that's right, you are so independent and mysterious that you don't even need someone else to fly across the globe with you. You do what you want. Aint no bitches holding you down.

"Doesn't matter if I even go"--Oh My God. Must be nice to spend all that money on a trip to Japan, and then be so rich that you can decide at the last minute that, ehhh, I don't really feel up to a Japan trip today. Maybe some other time. But you hang out with poor people so that makes up for it.


"Who says I can't get stoned"


8th verse
"It's been a long night in New York City"--again??? Try harder you ass. You get paid to write for a living. I would kill for your job, and all you can think to say is "it's been a long night in NYC 3 times?"

"It's been a long time since 22"--I cant argue this one. Time does speed up as you get older. This is the only genuine lyric in this entire travesty of a song.

"I don't remember you looking any better
But then again I don't remember you"----and what better way to round off a terrible song than by repeating something mean you have said 3 times already.



And now you know. Have a lovely weekend & see you next Friday. Seacrest out.