Happy Friday People
I would like to start out this posting by reminding you how incredibly lucky you are if you have a job that doesn't require you to sacrifice your dignity and every shred of self worth you may still possess while paying you a whopping $7.25 an hour. Last night I was driving home and there was a dude standing on the corner of 96 and Hodegson dressed like an upside down piece of pepperoni pizza. Apparently a PaPa Murphy's just opened in the one strip mall Shoreview has. This form of advertising is hilarious and super depressing all at the same time. Mainly because the suit seemed too big on him and he had to walk like you figure a piece of pepperoni pizza would walk, kind of shuffling side to side, and then to top it off, the apex of his head was kind of drooping down so the point hung a little bit over his face, so as you can well imagine, I was alternating between laughing hysterically and sobbing for the full 4 minutes I had to wait at the damn stop light. And to make matters worse, he was holding his sign by one corner and waving it around sadly and acting like what I imagine the Rainman version of a giant piece of walking pepperoni pizza would act like. In conclusion, be thankful for your boring desk job. Because, damn.
Alright so a good friend of mine recently decided she is going to get her first tattoo. We have been discussing tattoos and all the things that go along with them for the last few days now. All this conversation got me thinking about tattoos and the various misconceptions and truths that most people hold about them. For those that may not know, I'm Pro-Tattoo and currently have 5, and am quickly on my way to 7. So I know what the junk I'm talking about more than your average tramp-stamper or barbed wire around the bicep dude.
So here we go: A List of Facts about Tattoos. Begin. **Side Note: On further review of this piece, I use the word "cool" way too many times. Please excuse this. Thank you.
* Most people get tattoos because they think they look cool. No matter what they tell you. Its true. That's why I did/do. I think tattoos are bad ass and honestly think they bring a person's attractiveness up a few notches. **Side Note: What you choose to put on your body is a major factor in whether or not your tattoo makes you hotter. That Tweety Bird wearing a Packers jersey on the back of your calf was probably not the best decision you've ever made.
* Tattoos fucking hurt. For the love of god, do NOT be one of those A holes that goes around telling people "yeah mine didn't hurt at all...psssh I don't get why people say they hurt....because they totally don't." So you're saying that a pain which could be described as the metaphorical offspring of a repeated bee string and hot candle wax being spilled on your skin doesn't, in fact, hurt? No sir, you are wrong. It fucking hurts. But in a good way.
* People that tell you they like the pain they feel from being tattooed are being douchey & attention seeking. Ignore it.
* You will never feel cool enough in any tattoo parlor you go into anywhere in the world. Ever. So just get used to it. Most of the people that work the desk in tattoo shops are a strange breed of college drop out/wanna be rock star/organic vegan/Urban Outfitter mother fuckers. Don't get me wrong. Some of them are actually cool and non-judgey. But a lot of them aren't. And a lot of them will act way cooler than you. And a lot of them will roll their eyes when you show them the tattoo idea you have. Because you aren't wearing clothes that were made to look like they haven't been washed in a month, or because you aren't covered head to toe in piercings or old school sailor tattoos. Ignore them. They suck. The tattoo artist will be way cooler and that's the only person you need to worry about anyways.
* Don't get a tattoo just to get a tattoo. Really. Wait until you have thought of something you absolutely love. I have never in my life gone into a tattoo parlor and picked out something off the wall or out of one of the binders. I'm not telling you this to sound unique or cool. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to regret getting something permanently stuck into your skin. Use the books and flashes to get ideas. Its way more fun to come up with an idea and have an artist help create what you're thinking. That's why they are there. They get paid to draw cool shit, and make it real for you on your skin. So don't be afraid to use your artist to the max.
* Where on your body you decide to get your tattoo says a lot about you. In my humble opinion, you get tattoos because you want them to be seen. Getting a tattoo that never sees the light of day is the equivalent of buying a genuine Dali and then hanging it up behind the drapes because you are afraid of what people might think if they see it hanging there in your living room. But Maria, you say, if I want a good job, I will end up working in a place that doesn't allow me to have tattoos. I say to you, bullshit. I have 3 forearm tattoos. When I go into an interview, guess what? They are covered up. Why? Because I'm not an idiot and know that the majority of people in the Midwest still equate visible tattoos with rabble rousing and general no goodnick-ness. So, the key is to wow them with your interpersonal skills, get the job, work your ass off, prove your worth, and then start wearing short sleeves again. You have just proved that any misconceptions they may have had about your tattoos being an indicator of your work ethic were incorrect. Go you. Break down those barriers.
* That being said, if you get a tattoo in a visible place, get used to being asked about it. If you are getting something extremely personal that you don't want other people inquiring about, don't get it in a visible place. Because you will get asked. And people will be douchey about it. And you might get offended. For me, I enjoy talking about my tattoos. Most of them are hard to explain because they signify an idea or rule I want to live by, and no matter how simply you try to explain it, you just end up sounding like an after school special and people give you a look of disgust like you just quoted something from "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"...
*...but that's ok. Your tattoo is just that, yours. Don't let anyone's opinion of it bring you down if it means something to you.....
*...but if you got it wasted, or on a dare, or because everyone else was getting one, and if you cant explain to me what it means to you, you should know, I will be internally judging you UNLESS you are honest and say "I have no idea why I got this. I was trying to be cool" in which case, I will probably ask to make out with you.
* Tattoos are addictive. Its completely true. You have been forewarned. But only if you are a person that actually likes tattoos, and didn't just get one one time to say you have a tattoo. Oh Jesus. Am I saying that if you only have one tattoo that you are a poser? Kind of. I don't know anyone who actually loves tattoos that has just one.
* That being said, having multiple tattoos used to be part of the diagnostic criteria of antisocial personality disorder in the DSM---which is the book mental health practitioners used to help in the diagnosing of mental disorders. I don't know what to say about this. I think there could be something to it, but at the same time, ancient cultures around the world have been tattooing and practicing different forms of body modification since the beginning of time, so in actuality, the DSM's usage of tattoos in helping to diagnose mental illness probably has no real merit. Being different doesn't automatically mean you are crazy anymore.
* Tattoos are expensive. But they should be. You are paying an artist to create permanent customized artwork on your body. So start filling up your piggy bank if you have a particularly large or complicated piece you are sweet on.
* For the love of Jehovah, don't pick the damn thing. It will scab over. And for you gross scab pickers out there--I'm not a scab picker, I'm an ingrown hair puller--just leave it be. Because picking it will fuck up the design. That's not a load of hooey. Its true.
* Just go do it. If you really like the idea you have, if you are getting something in memory of a person or pet or event, just make the damn consultation appointment already. Don't spend hours worrying about what other people will think. Life is waaaay too short.
*And finally, its just a tattoo. Its not that big of a deal. Its not the end of the world if you hate in 5 years. It doesn't make or break who you are as a person, or at least you shouldn't let it. Its just ink and skin. Don't over think it.
And that's a wrap. A delicious wrap. Peace out. And I leave you with this final thought "Don't hate the player, hate the game". Have a good weekend.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Im annoying too, so dont worry about it
Good morning lovely readers, and a happy Friday to you all. I am lying in bed trying not to be sick because after you pass the age of 23, drinking until 2 am stops being fun mainly because you stop being good at it. So in conclusion, happy birthday to my cousin Mal. I love you. Thanks for driving me back to Shoreview at 2 in the morning. Holla
Alright. So it has been brought to my attention that the things I have said, the words I have typed on this Internet canvas of thoughts, has been offending and upsetting to some. Upon hearing this, part of me thinks go fuck yourself, I say on here 17 thousands times a post not to take me seriously. But another bigger, better hidden part of my soul actually feels bad that I might be causing someone else out there to feel stupid or self conscience. Because, it may be hard to believe, but that's actually the last thing I ever wanted to come out of this blog. I write because 1) I love writing 2) I'm fairly good at it 2a) To get better at something you need to practice And the main reason, 3) To try and get people to think more critically about why they do the things they do and say the things they say. I can say to you, that only in the last 1-2 years have I began the difficult task of thinking critically about my own actions and thoughts. It is extremely hard to take a magnifying glass to your soul and try to figure out why you act the way you do. Why? Because the truth is scary!! It is! And once you know the truth, you have the even more difficult task of rewiring your brain to start stopping the negative habits and thought patterns you have spent the better part of your life creating. And its not easy trying to overwrite the years of messed up shit that your brain has decided to label as reality.
So when I say something like "your FB status update that begs me to ask why you are sad makes me want to punch you", or "you feeling the need to force conversation in an elevator makes me want to scream" what I'm really saying to you is "why do you feel the need to tell everyone personal shit on FB? Whats really happening in that head of yours? and "Your inability to stand in silence is odd, what do you think is going on there?" Those are the points I'm trying to get across. Of course, I do throw in a healthy dose of straight up complaining as well, but that's mainly for comedic effect. And because I'm hilarious. But I want you to know that I actually do have an ulterior motive in posting these things, and that's mainly to help people wake up to the realities of their own souls. I know. That's probably the deepest thing you have read in a month. Ill be signing autographs from 2-4:30 outside the Barnes and Noble off of Snelling. But bring your own pen. I'm sick of losing good pens to pen thieves at these PR events.
Ok so where were we? Ah yes. Unbeknown to you, the things in life that bug or annoy or drive me crazy about you, also bug and annoy and drive me crazy about me. The only difference is, I am self aware enough to actually know the reason behind why I'm doing these annoying things, which is the tool I hope to pass on to you lovely people as well. Now, it may come as a surprise to you--set down your coffee I don't want you to drop it on your keyboard--but I am actually not perfect either. So I thought, what better way to prove to you that I'm not just an evil bitch that likes to make you feel like shit on a weekly basis than to tell you some of the truth revelations I have discovered about myself in the last few years. Also, this is a good way to show you what I mean about critical thinking applied to personal reflection. And begin.
1) I am an attention whore. I love it. I do. I wish I didn't because it makes me feel like a 5 year old with ADHD, but I cant help it. The difference between you & me, is that I have learned subtle ways of forcing you to give me attention without appearing to care if you are or not. Those of you already awakened to this way of critical thinking can see right through my attempts at subtlety to the tiny child inside jumping up and down shouting "please pay attention to me"
2) I think I'm ridiculously clever. That's why when I write these blog posts and FB status updates I sit and wait for you people to respond and tell me how clever I am. Which you always do. So thank you for pumping up the Ego the Buddha side of me is so desperately trying to kill.
3) Depending on the day, I either think I'm more attractive than I am, or think I'm less attractive than I am. Usually its more attractive. And I will pretend that I don't give a shit what I look like, but in reality, I care a lot. I broke out from my derby helmet and immediately bought a 3 month supply of Proactive. So yeah. I care. I'm not above it either.
4) I second guess my self. People that don't know me well, or aren't especially observant are always surprised if I share that I get self conscience sometimes. But I do. It happens. And it sucks.
5) I care what you think. I really really really don't want to. And I'm good at pretending I don't. And sometimes I genuinely don't. But for the most part, I don't like thinking anything I have done has caused someone to feel bad or get upset. So if I do upset you, lets talk about it shall we? We can Dr. Phil it up.
6) I try to appeal to my audience. Which would be super lame and poser-ish if I didn't actually like lots of different things, but is still lame. Just not super lame. Because if I know you freaking love video games, I'm going to bring up Allen Wake because I want to impress you--see I just did it. I also feel compelled to change the radio station in my car based on who is sitting in the car next to me. Hmmm you have unwashed hair and are wearing a hemp necklace, time for some Radio K....and you over there in the Escalade, lets crank up B96. I actually do like both these stations, but why the fuck should I care if a perfect stranger thinks I'm cool? Ridiculous.
The list goes on. But more importantly, once you get to the point of 1) thinking about what you do 2) realizing what you are actually doing and then 3) figuring out Why you are doing what you are doing, then comes the hard part. How to fix it? If I feel compelled to win over a complete stranger by what radio station I'm playing, the bigger issues is why do I care what a stranger thinks of me in the first place? I care because I want to be liked by everyone. I want to be liked by everyone because I don't completely like myself. I don't completely like myself because I had a jacked up view of of reality for most of my life and never developed positive self image. See how it works? Its like an onion. Just start peeling back the layers. It can get uncomfortable and scary. But I promise you, once you start doing this, your life will become more clear and more meaningful. Once you get down to the very bottom layer, and see yourself in all your messed up glory, then you can begin the rebuilding process, which will in time lead you to complete self acceptance and inner peace. Doesnt that sound great? I think so.
So now you know. Take some time every day to think critically. About yourself, about the media, about politics about religion. About something. For the love of God. Because if we don't all start thinking more critically, I'm seriously concerned that the movie Idiocracy is well on its way to becoming a reality.
Have a good weekend peeps. Love & kisses.
Alright. So it has been brought to my attention that the things I have said, the words I have typed on this Internet canvas of thoughts, has been offending and upsetting to some. Upon hearing this, part of me thinks go fuck yourself, I say on here 17 thousands times a post not to take me seriously. But another bigger, better hidden part of my soul actually feels bad that I might be causing someone else out there to feel stupid or self conscience. Because, it may be hard to believe, but that's actually the last thing I ever wanted to come out of this blog. I write because 1) I love writing 2) I'm fairly good at it 2a) To get better at something you need to practice And the main reason, 3) To try and get people to think more critically about why they do the things they do and say the things they say. I can say to you, that only in the last 1-2 years have I began the difficult task of thinking critically about my own actions and thoughts. It is extremely hard to take a magnifying glass to your soul and try to figure out why you act the way you do. Why? Because the truth is scary!! It is! And once you know the truth, you have the even more difficult task of rewiring your brain to start stopping the negative habits and thought patterns you have spent the better part of your life creating. And its not easy trying to overwrite the years of messed up shit that your brain has decided to label as reality.
So when I say something like "your FB status update that begs me to ask why you are sad makes me want to punch you", or "you feeling the need to force conversation in an elevator makes me want to scream" what I'm really saying to you is "why do you feel the need to tell everyone personal shit on FB? Whats really happening in that head of yours? and "Your inability to stand in silence is odd, what do you think is going on there?" Those are the points I'm trying to get across. Of course, I do throw in a healthy dose of straight up complaining as well, but that's mainly for comedic effect. And because I'm hilarious. But I want you to know that I actually do have an ulterior motive in posting these things, and that's mainly to help people wake up to the realities of their own souls. I know. That's probably the deepest thing you have read in a month. Ill be signing autographs from 2-4:30 outside the Barnes and Noble off of Snelling. But bring your own pen. I'm sick of losing good pens to pen thieves at these PR events.
Ok so where were we? Ah yes. Unbeknown to you, the things in life that bug or annoy or drive me crazy about you, also bug and annoy and drive me crazy about me. The only difference is, I am self aware enough to actually know the reason behind why I'm doing these annoying things, which is the tool I hope to pass on to you lovely people as well. Now, it may come as a surprise to you--set down your coffee I don't want you to drop it on your keyboard--but I am actually not perfect either. So I thought, what better way to prove to you that I'm not just an evil bitch that likes to make you feel like shit on a weekly basis than to tell you some of the truth revelations I have discovered about myself in the last few years. Also, this is a good way to show you what I mean about critical thinking applied to personal reflection. And begin.
1) I am an attention whore. I love it. I do. I wish I didn't because it makes me feel like a 5 year old with ADHD, but I cant help it. The difference between you & me, is that I have learned subtle ways of forcing you to give me attention without appearing to care if you are or not. Those of you already awakened to this way of critical thinking can see right through my attempts at subtlety to the tiny child inside jumping up and down shouting "please pay attention to me"
2) I think I'm ridiculously clever. That's why when I write these blog posts and FB status updates I sit and wait for you people to respond and tell me how clever I am. Which you always do. So thank you for pumping up the Ego the Buddha side of me is so desperately trying to kill.
3) Depending on the day, I either think I'm more attractive than I am, or think I'm less attractive than I am. Usually its more attractive. And I will pretend that I don't give a shit what I look like, but in reality, I care a lot. I broke out from my derby helmet and immediately bought a 3 month supply of Proactive. So yeah. I care. I'm not above it either.
4) I second guess my self. People that don't know me well, or aren't especially observant are always surprised if I share that I get self conscience sometimes. But I do. It happens. And it sucks.
5) I care what you think. I really really really don't want to. And I'm good at pretending I don't. And sometimes I genuinely don't. But for the most part, I don't like thinking anything I have done has caused someone to feel bad or get upset. So if I do upset you, lets talk about it shall we? We can Dr. Phil it up.
6) I try to appeal to my audience. Which would be super lame and poser-ish if I didn't actually like lots of different things, but is still lame. Just not super lame. Because if I know you freaking love video games, I'm going to bring up Allen Wake because I want to impress you--see I just did it. I also feel compelled to change the radio station in my car based on who is sitting in the car next to me. Hmmm you have unwashed hair and are wearing a hemp necklace, time for some Radio K....and you over there in the Escalade, lets crank up B96. I actually do like both these stations, but why the fuck should I care if a perfect stranger thinks I'm cool? Ridiculous.
The list goes on. But more importantly, once you get to the point of 1) thinking about what you do 2) realizing what you are actually doing and then 3) figuring out Why you are doing what you are doing, then comes the hard part. How to fix it? If I feel compelled to win over a complete stranger by what radio station I'm playing, the bigger issues is why do I care what a stranger thinks of me in the first place? I care because I want to be liked by everyone. I want to be liked by everyone because I don't completely like myself. I don't completely like myself because I had a jacked up view of of reality for most of my life and never developed positive self image. See how it works? Its like an onion. Just start peeling back the layers. It can get uncomfortable and scary. But I promise you, once you start doing this, your life will become more clear and more meaningful. Once you get down to the very bottom layer, and see yourself in all your messed up glory, then you can begin the rebuilding process, which will in time lead you to complete self acceptance and inner peace. Doesnt that sound great? I think so.
So now you know. Take some time every day to think critically. About yourself, about the media, about politics about religion. About something. For the love of God. Because if we don't all start thinking more critically, I'm seriously concerned that the movie Idiocracy is well on its way to becoming a reality.
Have a good weekend peeps. Love & kisses.
Friday, July 16, 2010
You seem like an angry son of a bitch.....wanna make out?
Goooooooood Afternoon Readers! I'm here. Just running late. Making the dollar dollar bills and such. Paying my automobillls, and paying my telephonebillls, and whatever the hell else they say in that Destiny's Child song.
First I have some shout outs to get out of the way:
1) Jonny P: you will get your Lebron post...I cant say when, and by the time its finished you will have probably forgotten you asked me to write it. But just hang in there.
2) Abe: Thank you for being such a dedicated reader. Seriously. I need someone to kick my ass into shape or I get lazy. So keep harassing me when I forget to write something every week.
3)Dad: I'm going to be talking about attraction....and everything that goes along with that. I know you read this. Thank you for being a huge supporter. I promise not to get graphic. But I thought I should warn you ahead of time.
So Ive been thinking about what makes a person attractive lately. There is supposed to be this universal ideal of beauty, like National Geographic spent all this money to do a study on perceptions of beauty around the world, and they came to the conclusion that there is no one universal aspect of beautiful people, but rather that people across the global are attracted to symmetry, and therein lies the key to being hot...or something. I don't know, the study was kind of bogus and then they were charging money to have you print off this map thing you could hold your face up to in the mirror to see how ugly you were by how far off the mark your face was with this print out of perfect symmetry. I may or may not have purchased this map and then refused to get out of bed for 5 days after. No one really knows.
ANYWAYS
So we know that as humans, we are pretty visual beings. So supposedly, the nicer someone is to look at, the more attracted we will be to said person. Big boobs attract most men. Strong shoulders and back, make most ladies say "heeeeeeey". And I'm going to assume for all my homosexual or Bi friends out there that the same holds true because its easier to do that than spending the time doing the research. Please forgive me. But sometimes physical beauty isn't enough. I mean, lets be honest, there are only probably 1-2 perfect 10s--physically speaking--that you know in your entire circle of acquaintances. This holds true no matter if you are male or female, straight or gay. And those perfect 10s are probably already taken, or if not, you may have tried to get with him or her and have been shot down. Because lets face it. If you are wasting your time reading Internet blogs on Friday afternoon, its safe for me to assume you aren't one of the perfect 10s. But don't give up hope just yet! I'm going to do you a favor. I'm going to tell you the top 9 most attractive features any male or female can have, and I'm going to help you get that date, or booty call, or ring, or whatever it is you are after.
So here goes:
***Top 9 Most Attractive Features for Men and Women in no particular order***
1) Being attractive: I'm sorry. Its true. If you are born lucky and are tall and have sexy blond hair and naturally white teeth, and baby blue eyes, things in life are just going to be easier for you. If you are almost legally a midget like me, guys will set their drinks on your head as they lean over to hit on the super model you happen to be standing next to in line for the bathroom at ShoutHouse.
2) Confidence, but not the douchey/fake kind: There is a huge difference between 'I'm confident and don't give a shit what you think' as compared to 'I'm confident because my mom has told me how wonderful I am my entire life and I played Varsity football, and I like to buy all my shirts from Baby Gap to show off my rockin pectorals." Let me give you some real life examples to make the distinction more clear: Slug from Atmosphere---sexy confidence. He doesn't give a shit what you think about him. Deep down he might, but his very being doesn't derive meaning from whether or not you like him. Or at least that's what I gather from his songs. Now: unsexy confidence, which is to say, false confidence--John Mayer. Sorry, you knew I was going there. Read my blog on him if you want to know more.
3) Motivation/Drive: Does this make me seem like a gold digger? Perhaps. What I really mean, is that people who are driven, who have something they are passionate about, who want to do something with their lives, are sexier than people who are not. I know this, because I am one of the least motivated people you will ever meet. And I don't want to date you if you aren't motivated either because then we will both just sit around on our asses all day, and get nothing accomplished, and the house will fall down around us until someone finally says enough is enough. So if you are lazy like me, you better damn well have something else going for you, or say hello to a house full of cats and a freezer full of single serving Red Barron Pizzas.
4) Intelligence: I don't care what anyone has ever told you. Smart people are fucking sexy. They are. If you can speak about and debate current global topics, if you understand complicated math and science concepts,if you get what it means when I make a joke about the Mason Dixon Line, if you like to read, if you can have a conversation on topics other than sports or reality tv, if you can watch a group of people and pick up on the social cues(emotional intelligence), if you are good at intelligent arguing, if alternate realities and black holes and dark matter gives you a boner, you should know, you are hot.
5) You got to get Angry every once in a while: Don't make me feel weird about this. Anger is sexy. I'm not talking give me two black eyes and punch me in the kidneys till I pee blood anger. I'm saying, seeing a potential mate or actual mate get a little rilled up every once in a while is good. Lets you know they are still ticking. I'm going to bullshit and say that this derives from some evolutionary bi product of wanting to pick a mate that is able to defend you & your young, but really I know I'm just messed up. Its ok. I have been like this since I was little. Raphael was my favorite Ninja Turtle. Also, I married a Russian/Irishman. Stop judging, I'm trying to help you get some ass here.
6) Being able to hold sustained Eye Contact during conversation: Sounds weird. Honestly, this is huge, but only use this if you have definitive evidence that the object of your desire is somewhat interested in you as well. If not, you just come off creepy. But really, a person who can maintain eye contact, and isn't the first to look away. Bam. That's it right there. Goes along with confidence. You can do it!
7) Knowing what your best physical assets are: I don't write these things to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. That being said, since none of us are perfect 10s, lets agree that we all have certain physical characteristics that are better than others. The key to attracting a mate, is playing your best physical assets up enough to trick that potential mate into talking to you in the first place. Once you've got them interested, any of the features listed above will help woo them to whatever ends you have in mind. You don't have to have a perfect body or perfect teeth or perfect hair or a perfect face to be sexy. Sexy is a state of mind, and to help get you there, focus on the things about yourself that you really do like. Put glitter on those things. Make them shiny. That will draw people in like moth to a flame and will distract them from whatever other physical characteristics you aren't as fond of. I know I'm supposed to tell you to love yourself the way you are, but nothing about society reinforces that sentiment, and if you were born any time after 1935, you will probably never get close to 100% acceptance, so lets just make the best of what we have shall we? We shall.
8) Humor: If you are funny, you have just gotten the proverbial panties off 75% of the people in the room. Really. I don't know why, but meeting someone with a good sense of humor is a huge turn on for most people. Being able to laugh at yourself and to recognize things that are funny or odd, allows you to connect with people on a more intimate level than general conversation for some reason. Use this to your advantage.
9) Heart: Now what the hell does this mean? I couldn't think of a better word, so deal. What I mean is, it's nice to find out that under that tough exterior, there is something vulnerable and something with feelings in the person you are attracted to. I will 100% agree that nice guys do finish last, but no one wants to be with a complete asshole either. Its ok if you cried a little when your dog died, or if hearing about the disaster in the Gulf made you upset. Side Note*I think we can all agree the reason nice guys finish last is because they aren't getting angry enough. See I told you. Ladies, don't be afraid to show your emotions either. I am the type of person that cries at the drop of a hat, which is really embarrassing. But, I have learned that trying to hide this fact does nothing for me, because in the long run, if whomever I'm with cant handle it, then they aren't worth it anyways. Booyah.
So there you go. Use these words of wisdom to get the most out of your weekend. Go forth my children and multiply. And usthe protection whence thy multiple to prevent sores and pestilence of thy nether regions.
I love you all. Peace out.
First I have some shout outs to get out of the way:
1) Jonny P: you will get your Lebron post...I cant say when, and by the time its finished you will have probably forgotten you asked me to write it. But just hang in there.
2) Abe: Thank you for being such a dedicated reader. Seriously. I need someone to kick my ass into shape or I get lazy. So keep harassing me when I forget to write something every week.
3)Dad: I'm going to be talking about attraction....and everything that goes along with that. I know you read this. Thank you for being a huge supporter. I promise not to get graphic. But I thought I should warn you ahead of time.
So Ive been thinking about what makes a person attractive lately. There is supposed to be this universal ideal of beauty, like National Geographic spent all this money to do a study on perceptions of beauty around the world, and they came to the conclusion that there is no one universal aspect of beautiful people, but rather that people across the global are attracted to symmetry, and therein lies the key to being hot...or something. I don't know, the study was kind of bogus and then they were charging money to have you print off this map thing you could hold your face up to in the mirror to see how ugly you were by how far off the mark your face was with this print out of perfect symmetry. I may or may not have purchased this map and then refused to get out of bed for 5 days after. No one really knows.
ANYWAYS
So we know that as humans, we are pretty visual beings. So supposedly, the nicer someone is to look at, the more attracted we will be to said person. Big boobs attract most men. Strong shoulders and back, make most ladies say "heeeeeeey". And I'm going to assume for all my homosexual or Bi friends out there that the same holds true because its easier to do that than spending the time doing the research. Please forgive me. But sometimes physical beauty isn't enough. I mean, lets be honest, there are only probably 1-2 perfect 10s--physically speaking--that you know in your entire circle of acquaintances. This holds true no matter if you are male or female, straight or gay. And those perfect 10s are probably already taken, or if not, you may have tried to get with him or her and have been shot down. Because lets face it. If you are wasting your time reading Internet blogs on Friday afternoon, its safe for me to assume you aren't one of the perfect 10s. But don't give up hope just yet! I'm going to do you a favor. I'm going to tell you the top 9 most attractive features any male or female can have, and I'm going to help you get that date, or booty call, or ring, or whatever it is you are after.
So here goes:
***Top 9 Most Attractive Features for Men and Women in no particular order***
1) Being attractive: I'm sorry. Its true. If you are born lucky and are tall and have sexy blond hair and naturally white teeth, and baby blue eyes, things in life are just going to be easier for you. If you are almost legally a midget like me, guys will set their drinks on your head as they lean over to hit on the super model you happen to be standing next to in line for the bathroom at ShoutHouse.
2) Confidence, but not the douchey/fake kind: There is a huge difference between 'I'm confident and don't give a shit what you think' as compared to 'I'm confident because my mom has told me how wonderful I am my entire life and I played Varsity football, and I like to buy all my shirts from Baby Gap to show off my rockin pectorals." Let me give you some real life examples to make the distinction more clear: Slug from Atmosphere---sexy confidence. He doesn't give a shit what you think about him. Deep down he might, but his very being doesn't derive meaning from whether or not you like him. Or at least that's what I gather from his songs. Now: unsexy confidence, which is to say, false confidence--John Mayer. Sorry, you knew I was going there. Read my blog on him if you want to know more.
3) Motivation/Drive: Does this make me seem like a gold digger? Perhaps. What I really mean, is that people who are driven, who have something they are passionate about, who want to do something with their lives, are sexier than people who are not. I know this, because I am one of the least motivated people you will ever meet. And I don't want to date you if you aren't motivated either because then we will both just sit around on our asses all day, and get nothing accomplished, and the house will fall down around us until someone finally says enough is enough. So if you are lazy like me, you better damn well have something else going for you, or say hello to a house full of cats and a freezer full of single serving Red Barron Pizzas.
4) Intelligence: I don't care what anyone has ever told you. Smart people are fucking sexy. They are. If you can speak about and debate current global topics, if you understand complicated math and science concepts,if you get what it means when I make a joke about the Mason Dixon Line, if you like to read, if you can have a conversation on topics other than sports or reality tv, if you can watch a group of people and pick up on the social cues(emotional intelligence), if you are good at intelligent arguing, if alternate realities and black holes and dark matter gives you a boner, you should know, you are hot.
5) You got to get Angry every once in a while: Don't make me feel weird about this. Anger is sexy. I'm not talking give me two black eyes and punch me in the kidneys till I pee blood anger. I'm saying, seeing a potential mate or actual mate get a little rilled up every once in a while is good. Lets you know they are still ticking. I'm going to bullshit and say that this derives from some evolutionary bi product of wanting to pick a mate that is able to defend you & your young, but really I know I'm just messed up. Its ok. I have been like this since I was little. Raphael was my favorite Ninja Turtle. Also, I married a Russian/Irishman. Stop judging, I'm trying to help you get some ass here.
6) Being able to hold sustained Eye Contact during conversation: Sounds weird. Honestly, this is huge, but only use this if you have definitive evidence that the object of your desire is somewhat interested in you as well. If not, you just come off creepy. But really, a person who can maintain eye contact, and isn't the first to look away. Bam. That's it right there. Goes along with confidence. You can do it!
7) Knowing what your best physical assets are: I don't write these things to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. That being said, since none of us are perfect 10s, lets agree that we all have certain physical characteristics that are better than others. The key to attracting a mate, is playing your best physical assets up enough to trick that potential mate into talking to you in the first place. Once you've got them interested, any of the features listed above will help woo them to whatever ends you have in mind. You don't have to have a perfect body or perfect teeth or perfect hair or a perfect face to be sexy. Sexy is a state of mind, and to help get you there, focus on the things about yourself that you really do like. Put glitter on those things. Make them shiny. That will draw people in like moth to a flame and will distract them from whatever other physical characteristics you aren't as fond of. I know I'm supposed to tell you to love yourself the way you are, but nothing about society reinforces that sentiment, and if you were born any time after 1935, you will probably never get close to 100% acceptance, so lets just make the best of what we have shall we? We shall.
8) Humor: If you are funny, you have just gotten the proverbial panties off 75% of the people in the room. Really. I don't know why, but meeting someone with a good sense of humor is a huge turn on for most people. Being able to laugh at yourself and to recognize things that are funny or odd, allows you to connect with people on a more intimate level than general conversation for some reason. Use this to your advantage.
9) Heart: Now what the hell does this mean? I couldn't think of a better word, so deal. What I mean is, it's nice to find out that under that tough exterior, there is something vulnerable and something with feelings in the person you are attracted to. I will 100% agree that nice guys do finish last, but no one wants to be with a complete asshole either. Its ok if you cried a little when your dog died, or if hearing about the disaster in the Gulf made you upset. Side Note*I think we can all agree the reason nice guys finish last is because they aren't getting angry enough. See I told you. Ladies, don't be afraid to show your emotions either. I am the type of person that cries at the drop of a hat, which is really embarrassing. But, I have learned that trying to hide this fact does nothing for me, because in the long run, if whomever I'm with cant handle it, then they aren't worth it anyways. Booyah.
So there you go. Use these words of wisdom to get the most out of your weekend. Go forth my children and multiply. And usthe protection whence thy multiple to prevent sores and pestilence of thy nether regions.
I love you all. Peace out.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Stop making me want to de-friend you. Thanks.
Morning readers. Its been awhile. Basically, I have no excuse other than I haven't been annoyed enough in the past two weeks to write about anything and I'm not going to make something up because when I do it sounds terrible. And forced. And I hates it. But, never fear, this week, I have been going absolutely insane reading people's status updates on good old Facebook(from here on out referred to as FB). Lets discuss, shall we? *Side Note: In the below paragraphs, you will probably read something that offends you. You may even think I'm talking about you specifically. You should know that I am. But I don't want you to get upset about it. Just mentally or verbally tell me to fuck off and get on with your day, and take solace in knowing that I cry myself to sleep 4-6 nights a week, and that my soul is probably the color of coal.
Alright. So here's the deal. I have remained on Facebook for the simple facts that 1) I'm addicted, and 2)because I like being a creeper and looking at pictures of you in your swimsuit at your cousin's 4th of July BBQ. I also enjoy viewing random youtube links and college humor pics that your friend that I have never met--but I think must be really awesome based on the things he/she says--adds to your wall every now and again. Other than that, I don't do much else on there. Out of all the social networking sites, I have made a conscience decision to only create a FB account. Why? Because MySpace is for child molesters and because Twitter is for douchebags. But between the two of them, MySpace is the lesser of two evils, even though it is riddled with 46 year old men pretending to be 14 year old girls. This is because Twitter is the Internet manifestation of Ego. If you aren't famous, I don't give a shit what you are doing 24 hours a day. I don't need to know what you bought at Trader Joe's--congrats you are so trendy--or what color socks you are wearing, or why you are sad and obviously fishing for someone to ask you what happened. I don't need that shit man. I have enough trouble remembering what day it is, let alone trying to keep track of your every move as well. Because I dislike it so much, if I were an Internet site--shut up just go with it--I would be:
http://www.if-inghatetwitterbecauseitmakesyoulooklikeajackass.org
(we're a non-profit, check us out!) I wish Twitter would Y2K itself and drop off the face of Internet existence forever. Now that you understand the depths of my hatred, we can continue.
Over the past few months, I have noticed an upswing in the trend of using the FB status update in the way one would use a Twitter account. More and more people are misusing the status update, so although Ive posted about this before, I've decided to revisit it again, to refresh every one's memory. So here are 10 Simple Rules for the Proper Use of the FB Status Update:
1)You shouldn't be updating your status every hour. An acceptable amount of changes per day is 3-6. This doesn't include any changes you need to make due to spelling errors. You are allowed an infinite number of spelling error changes, mainly because I myself suck at spelling, and I am the one making these rules.
2)Please don't put up mutiple stat-ti that are inside jokes or a vague references that only 1-4 other people will understand. No one is impressed that you have friends and that you laugh and giggle and have pillow fights and braid each other's hair and make Nestle Tolehouse cookies together. You have 100+ other people on FB that are being forced to read your shit every time they log in--I know you can hide people's updates, again, shush it, or this blog will wither and die and I will implode from rage toxicity. Just please, stop it. We aren't in middle school anymore.
3)I don't need to hear about your drama through a status update...or preferably, at all. I don't need to know that you got in a fight with your baby daddy or that your best friend slept with your wife, or that you cant believe what your boss said to you today. I don't care. I really don't. I'm sorry if you are having a rough day, but there are people dying of starvation in like 74% of the rest of the world, so you can see how your petty drama might be a thorn in the backside of my otherwise relaxing Internet experience.
4)The more exclamation points and smiley faces you use, the more I don't believe whatever words are before said punctuation. I get that things in life occur that are exciting, and believe it or not, I do have emotions other than anger and spite, but if you are constantly overusing punctuation and emoticons that convey feelings of happiness and joy, I have a hard time taking you seriously. I'm sorry. I cant help it. No one should ever be so excited about getting ice cream to warrant more than 2, maybe 3 exclamation points at most.
5)If you feel the need to constantly talk about how much in love you are with your significant other, I will just assume that divorce proceedings/paperwork are in the process of being filed. Yes love is wonderful and sometimes we want to shout about it from the rooftops, but really, I don't want to hear about it every day. From my experience, the best things about love and the person you love are the things you keep just between the 2 of you. Not things that you feel all 473 of your FB friends want to know. *Side Note: If you happen to be a dude who gets all lovely dovey in your status update on a regular basis, I will assume that your wife either has access to your FB account, or that you haven't had control of your own genitals for quite some time. Either way, I'm sorry.
6)Stop telling me "I love life" "Life is perfect" "Life couldn't be better" "Life is amazing" or some variation of this sentiment. Its rude. Think of the people in the FB community who have no life. Who sit alone and eat stouffers mac n cheese every night in front of old reruns of Law & Order SVU on TNT (the ones before Ice-T sold out and became Dick Wolf's bitch.) There are people like that out there. I'm not kidding. And for you to constantly throw in their faces how amazingly kick ass your life is, isn't just mean, its considered a hate crime...against Lonelies.....that's the technical term. So knock it off.
7)Do not, I repeat, do not put up a controversial status update (ie your feelings on the death penalty, abortion, politics, illegal immigrants, etc) if you aren't willing to step up and intelligently defend your argument. I have had many FB debates on a variety of hot topics, and the ones that I value the most, are ones where someone with a differing viewpoint than my own is able to defend their position with fact and critical thinking. If you put up "Obama sucks" and cant tell me in detail, specific reasons on why YOU think he does, with examples and cited sources,and instead spew some garbage you are simply parroting from watching FOX, then you should know, I am internally hoping that you get curb stomped on your way home from work that day.
8) I'm not religious. That's ok if you are. But I would appreciate if you didn't use your FB status update as a means of conversion. Your status update isn't a viral Jehovah's Witness. Stop sending it to my door in its white shirt and tie and bike helmet asking me if I want to accept Jesus Christ as my Personal Lord and Savior. Because 1) I don't, and 2) I'm getting tired of pretending to listen to it for 5 minutes and then acting like the phone is ringing and awkwardly shutting the door in its metaphorical face.
9) If you are doing any kind of activity/big event at some point in the future, I don't need to see a countdown update every other day as your status. I am happy for you that you are excited that you are: getting married, graduating from grad school, running a marathon, or trying out for America's Got Talent. Those are all exciting things, that I'm sure you are really pumped about. But, the thing is, you are the one that is really pumped about it. No one else is as pumped about it to need to know that there are " 361 days to go!!!!.....only 360 days now!!!!... 359 short days till the big one!!" None of us care that much. I'm sorry. And the few that do, are already keeping track on their own to begin with, so all your updates do is let me know that you really want me & all of FB to know how cool you are for doing said thing.
10) And lastly,I do not need to know about your physical ailments/maladies unless they are written in a way that is comedic in nature. I'm sorry if you are sick. I'm sorry if you broke your wrist. I'm sorry if you have had a cold in the summer for the past 3 weeks. All those things suck, and I do feel bad for you. I just don't want a fucking update every time your poop changes color. I don't need to know about vomit, or colons, or mucus, or exploratory surgeries, or collapsed lungs. Unless your lung collapsed because a squirrel ran out in front of you while you were biking home, and you landed on a landmine, I don't want the details.
So now you know what not to do. If I have offended you beyond belief, Im sorry. Dont take me seriously. I very rarely do. Have a blessed day. And go outside for Gods sake. Its summer. That only happens for like 2 weeks out of the year here. Have a lovely weekend sexies.
Alright. So here's the deal. I have remained on Facebook for the simple facts that 1) I'm addicted, and 2)because I like being a creeper and looking at pictures of you in your swimsuit at your cousin's 4th of July BBQ. I also enjoy viewing random youtube links and college humor pics that your friend that I have never met--but I think must be really awesome based on the things he/she says--adds to your wall every now and again. Other than that, I don't do much else on there. Out of all the social networking sites, I have made a conscience decision to only create a FB account. Why? Because MySpace is for child molesters and because Twitter is for douchebags. But between the two of them, MySpace is the lesser of two evils, even though it is riddled with 46 year old men pretending to be 14 year old girls. This is because Twitter is the Internet manifestation of Ego. If you aren't famous, I don't give a shit what you are doing 24 hours a day. I don't need to know what you bought at Trader Joe's--congrats you are so trendy--or what color socks you are wearing, or why you are sad and obviously fishing for someone to ask you what happened. I don't need that shit man. I have enough trouble remembering what day it is, let alone trying to keep track of your every move as well. Because I dislike it so much, if I were an Internet site--shut up just go with it--I would be:
http://www.if-inghatetwitterbecauseitmakesyoulooklikeajackass.org
(we're a non-profit, check us out!) I wish Twitter would Y2K itself and drop off the face of Internet existence forever. Now that you understand the depths of my hatred, we can continue.
Over the past few months, I have noticed an upswing in the trend of using the FB status update in the way one would use a Twitter account. More and more people are misusing the status update, so although Ive posted about this before, I've decided to revisit it again, to refresh every one's memory. So here are 10 Simple Rules for the Proper Use of the FB Status Update:
1)You shouldn't be updating your status every hour. An acceptable amount of changes per day is 3-6. This doesn't include any changes you need to make due to spelling errors. You are allowed an infinite number of spelling error changes, mainly because I myself suck at spelling, and I am the one making these rules.
2)Please don't put up mutiple stat-ti that are inside jokes or a vague references that only 1-4 other people will understand. No one is impressed that you have friends and that you laugh and giggle and have pillow fights and braid each other's hair and make Nestle Tolehouse cookies together. You have 100+ other people on FB that are being forced to read your shit every time they log in--I know you can hide people's updates, again, shush it, or this blog will wither and die and I will implode from rage toxicity. Just please, stop it. We aren't in middle school anymore.
3)I don't need to hear about your drama through a status update...or preferably, at all. I don't need to know that you got in a fight with your baby daddy or that your best friend slept with your wife, or that you cant believe what your boss said to you today. I don't care. I really don't. I'm sorry if you are having a rough day, but there are people dying of starvation in like 74% of the rest of the world, so you can see how your petty drama might be a thorn in the backside of my otherwise relaxing Internet experience.
4)The more exclamation points and smiley faces you use, the more I don't believe whatever words are before said punctuation. I get that things in life occur that are exciting, and believe it or not, I do have emotions other than anger and spite, but if you are constantly overusing punctuation and emoticons that convey feelings of happiness and joy, I have a hard time taking you seriously. I'm sorry. I cant help it. No one should ever be so excited about getting ice cream to warrant more than 2, maybe 3 exclamation points at most.
5)If you feel the need to constantly talk about how much in love you are with your significant other, I will just assume that divorce proceedings/paperwork are in the process of being filed. Yes love is wonderful and sometimes we want to shout about it from the rooftops, but really, I don't want to hear about it every day. From my experience, the best things about love and the person you love are the things you keep just between the 2 of you. Not things that you feel all 473 of your FB friends want to know. *Side Note: If you happen to be a dude who gets all lovely dovey in your status update on a regular basis, I will assume that your wife either has access to your FB account, or that you haven't had control of your own genitals for quite some time. Either way, I'm sorry.
6)Stop telling me "I love life" "Life is perfect" "Life couldn't be better" "Life is amazing" or some variation of this sentiment. Its rude. Think of the people in the FB community who have no life. Who sit alone and eat stouffers mac n cheese every night in front of old reruns of Law & Order SVU on TNT (the ones before Ice-T sold out and became Dick Wolf's bitch.) There are people like that out there. I'm not kidding. And for you to constantly throw in their faces how amazingly kick ass your life is, isn't just mean, its considered a hate crime...against Lonelies.....that's the technical term. So knock it off.
7)Do not, I repeat, do not put up a controversial status update (ie your feelings on the death penalty, abortion, politics, illegal immigrants, etc) if you aren't willing to step up and intelligently defend your argument. I have had many FB debates on a variety of hot topics, and the ones that I value the most, are ones where someone with a differing viewpoint than my own is able to defend their position with fact and critical thinking. If you put up "Obama sucks" and cant tell me in detail, specific reasons on why YOU think he does, with examples and cited sources,and instead spew some garbage you are simply parroting from watching FOX, then you should know, I am internally hoping that you get curb stomped on your way home from work that day.
8) I'm not religious. That's ok if you are. But I would appreciate if you didn't use your FB status update as a means of conversion. Your status update isn't a viral Jehovah's Witness. Stop sending it to my door in its white shirt and tie and bike helmet asking me if I want to accept Jesus Christ as my Personal Lord and Savior. Because 1) I don't, and 2) I'm getting tired of pretending to listen to it for 5 minutes and then acting like the phone is ringing and awkwardly shutting the door in its metaphorical face.
9) If you are doing any kind of activity/big event at some point in the future, I don't need to see a countdown update every other day as your status. I am happy for you that you are excited that you are: getting married, graduating from grad school, running a marathon, or trying out for America's Got Talent. Those are all exciting things, that I'm sure you are really pumped about. But, the thing is, you are the one that is really pumped about it. No one else is as pumped about it to need to know that there are " 361 days to go!!!!.....only 360 days now!!!!... 359 short days till the big one!!" None of us care that much. I'm sorry. And the few that do, are already keeping track on their own to begin with, so all your updates do is let me know that you really want me & all of FB to know how cool you are for doing said thing.
10) And lastly,I do not need to know about your physical ailments/maladies unless they are written in a way that is comedic in nature. I'm sorry if you are sick. I'm sorry if you broke your wrist. I'm sorry if you have had a cold in the summer for the past 3 weeks. All those things suck, and I do feel bad for you. I just don't want a fucking update every time your poop changes color. I don't need to know about vomit, or colons, or mucus, or exploratory surgeries, or collapsed lungs. Unless your lung collapsed because a squirrel ran out in front of you while you were biking home, and you landed on a landmine, I don't want the details.
So now you know what not to do. If I have offended you beyond belief, Im sorry. Dont take me seriously. I very rarely do. Have a blessed day. And go outside for Gods sake. Its summer. That only happens for like 2 weeks out of the year here. Have a lovely weekend sexies.
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