Friday, January 28, 2011

Workin at the Car Ramp

Well hey there you. I hope you are doing well on this splendid day.

For any of you that have been reading this literary abortion on a consistent basis, 1) what is wrong with you, 2) thank you very much, and 3) you know that sometimes I like to start this thing out by telling you some random thoughts I have that aren't long enough to make a full post about, but that I personally find interesting enough to waste 15 seconds of your time with. Begin.



* I take issue with those new electronic billboards that change ads every 17 seconds. Mainly because they are going to cause me to rear end a semi which in turn will cause my Toyota Corolla to explode since its made of 100% plastic by product and if you even so much as brush up against that shit in winter, it is instantly in 500 pieces. So screw you guy who turned billboards into giant tv screens. I'll be sending you the bill when my car spontaneously combusts.

* If you have an electronic toothbrush like me--fancy, I know--go look at a digital clock while you are brushing your teeth. I came upon this discovery because my ADHD doesn't allow me to stand still the 3 minutes it takes to correctly brush your teeth, and so I go wandering about the house, trying not to drip toothpaste foam on my clothes or the carpeting. Anyways. Look at a digital clock. You will be amazed.

* If a dog's sense of smell is so much stronger than a humans--Side Note--I tried to look up the exact numerical percentage of this fact, and all I found were responses on WikiAnswers that sounded like a 13 year old wrote it: "A dog sense of smell is 10,000 more stronger then a humans." so I decided to just skip it since I don't like overloading you jerks with false information--why do they enjoy smelling and rolling around in shit that we with our feeble human scent organs can't even stand to be around? My dog rolls in dead animals, mushrooms, other dog's shit, and garbage. How isn't he throwing up constantly? It makes no sense.


 Ok so enough of that randomness, lets move on to other randomness. Today lets discuss the many oddities of the Parking Ramp I pay $110 a month to house my vehicle in on a daily basis. Because I seem to be in a listing type mood aka I'm being really lazy, I'm going to continue with that.

1) The stairwell smells like a pool
I have no idea why. But this parking ramp stairwell that I walk in every day smells like when you are staying in a hotel and you are trying to find the pool, and you eventually turn down a hall and suddenly smell chlorine and get all excited because you know you are almost there! I go through this every morning, except whats waiting for me at the end of the stairwell isn't a poorly cleaned hotel pool, but rather a 10 hour day in a government building.

2) The parking spaces can comfortably fit half of a mini cooper
I understand the rational behind why this is done. The more parking spaces there are means the more money in the hands of the greedy parking ramp Nazis. Fine, whatever. But this also means that the 74% of people that park in this ramp that drive escalades and small one engine aircraft to work every day take up 3-4 parking spots every time they take their vehicle out of gear and go about their merry ways. This in turn forces me to attempt to be to work on time so that I'm there early enough to not have to try and wedge my car in between a 747 and a cement pole.

3) I try and park in the same spot every day because it has tinfoil stuff on the ceiling and I think it keeps my car warmer.
When it's -30 below not including the windchill, I make an attempt to park in areas of the ramp that seem to be more sheltered from the wind. I recently came across a little pocket of a space that holds roughly 4-5 vehicles. For some reason, the ceiling is lower here, and it's covered in what appears to be tinfoil. I'm convinced that this is a form of insulation and that parking under it will increase the life of my car exponentially.

4) I have been cursed in that every day, no matter where I park, I end up right next to this car with the following Bumper Sticker on it: "I'd rather be reading Flannery O'Conner"
I'd rather you shut your face. No one is impressed that you 1) enjoy reading and 2) feel the need to show us how intellectual you are for liking an author that died in 1964. Just stop it ok? I'm sure you are a decent person, but really, knock it off or I will be forced to create and affix my own bumper next to yours that says "Nobody Cares"

5) I'm fairly certain the parking attendants watch me Austin Powers the shit out of my car every morning and laugh.
Remember how I told you I prefer to park in the secret super warm tinfoil pocket? Well this pocket is so small you have to pull into the spot in front of you, and then carefully back in next to a cement pole. Because I am OCD, I feel compelled to alternate from reverse to drive 50 times until I'm satisfied I am directly in the middle of the two yellow lines. This can take upwards of 45 seconds. And the space I like to park in is directly across from a video camera. I'm glad my mental illness has the ability to make a lonely parking attendant smile. That's all I've ever wanted.

6) The lower you go in a parking ramp, the closer you are to Rape Central. 
Sorry ladies, but its true. The ramp I park in goes like 5 stories underground, and once you hit level 3 or 2, things start to get perpetually sketchier. Rape Central is any place that is vaguely lit, minimally staffed, and full of good hiding spots. So bring your rape whistle and turn up your awareness meter. And once you reach the chlorine smelling staircase, you run like the dickens until you see natural light and you should be fine.

7) This Sign. Makes me laugh. And confuses me:
I think it's safe to assume that this parking ramp no longer provides safety escorts. The red crossed out circle is drawn in with a marker by the by, as is the NO. Wouldn't it have been better to write in the NO at the beginning of the sign? Or better yet, since you no longer provide this service, how about taking the entire thing down so all the potential creepos hanging out on level 1 in Rape Central aren't aware that this ramp is no longer being patrolled by big men in navy blue uniforms. All of the other women under 6'1 would appreciate this as well. Thank you.


So there you have it. I hope you had fun. Have a great weekend

~Maria


Friday, January 21, 2011

What Are You?

Good Morning  People of the World

I'd like to start out by stating that anyone that can tell me specific instructions on how to make a cake that looks exactly like this:

I will give a hundred dollars to. But only if I attempt to make the cake based on your instructions and the result actually looks similar to this picture. If I'm way off, I'm going to say its a result of your shotty instructions and is in no way a reflection of my skills as a baker. I like to think a cake like this can solve all of the worlds problems. 

Ok so since there are like 5 of you out there that don't actually know what I look like that read this crapfest on a weekly basis, I look like this:
 The point of that was to show you that by my standards, I appear to be of Caucasian descent. Sure, I tan well in the summer, and have dark curly hair, but my facial features are clearly European in nature. I am Italian and Slovak, and my people come from the poor areas of each of these countries, even though my Italian grandmother lies when people ask what part of Italy we came from since shes embarrassed. South Side Represent!

Throughout my life, people have always assumed that my ability to tan, my dark curly hair, and a first name of Maria means I'm (gasp, exciting!)  some exotic Nationality. I think the mathematical equation looks something like this:



And throughout my life I have been a constant disappointment to these people who after boldly asking me "So what are you?", literally get a frowny face when I tell them "I'm Slovak and Italian". They pout and are instantly bored with me. I have even had  one guy say "oh well that's nothing special" as he, I can only assume, turned to go find someone with a more exciting bloodline to talk to.

Ive always wondered, firstly, who the hell these douches are that think its ok to ask someone they just met what are you, and secondly, why my being of European decent is such a downer to these weirdos. My conclusion is this: I live in the Midwest. Which according to Wikipedia: "Non-Hispanic Whites make up 79% of the Midwest's population, the highest ratio of any region" So yeah. The Midwest is comprised of mostly honkies and honkie children that aren't used to seeing people that look different than themselves, and thus are easily disappointed when they think they are meeting a Brazilian or Hawaiian or a bi racial person, only to find out its little old plain European me.

But it's not just honkies that assume I'm not white. 50% of the time I entered a Chipotle back in college--back when they were still hiring Hispanic workers--whoever was building my delicious burrito would immediately start speaking Spanish at me, very fast, and with the assumption that English was in fact my second language. I would try to catch up and respond in a semi-intelligent fashion, but its pretty difficult to be funny or clever in a second language when the only time you get to use it is in 45 minute increments 4 days a week over a span of 6 years. So my standard reaction to this when it happens to me now, is to start singing "Vamos a la Playa" since that seems to make Hispanic people happy. Its like the Latin culture's version of More Than a Feeling ; everyone knows it.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCVQpcY1au4

And if that video didn't make you happy, then there's just no pleasing you.  That close up of the dudes shoes at the end is pretty spectacular.Casa Vision!! That's House Vision for all you non Spanish speakers.

So I guess I have just learned that no matter the race of the person, I'm going to make someone sad if I don't lie and pretend to be something I'm not. And overall, Ive decided that I can live with that, even though I'm a people pleaser by nature. And as boring as being Italian and Slovak might be, my family's meatball recipe is bomb, and my possible Slovak gypsy roots means I get to run around barefoot all summer and wont get ringworm since Ive built up an immunity in my gypsy blood. Hooray!

 So be proud of what you are today, no matter what that Nationality may be. Unless you are German. If you're German, its probably best to just lie and say you're Dutch or Scottish or some other Nationality that is less evil.

That's all for now.  Have a good weekend. Have fun. Oh and go ahead and listen to some Boston since I mentioned it and now I cant get it out of my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm_-sW4Vktw&feature=related

~Maria

Friday, January 7, 2011

Youtube Clusterfuck

Happy Weekend!!! Since I promised not to miss a posting for the next six weeks, I felt really guilty when I woke up this morning and was like, fuck it I'm sleeping in, everyone can kiss my ass. But then I figured it would be kind of lame to miss a post the very week after I just told you all I wasn't going to miss a post, so here we are.

BUT. I never stated how long said postings needed to be to be considered a post. Sometimes I'm tricky like that.

So, I'm going to share with you today a sampling of some of my favorite youtube videos. This will tie in to next week's real posting. So pay attention, or pay the price. You should know I'm a sucker for a good beat, babies, and small animals. I know weird, right? Even a cynical bitch like myself has her kryptonite.


1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLbPFLgvz8w

I do not care what you say. That is fucking hilarious.

2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwimc4cvUmQ

Most of you have probably seen this kid. His name is Kennan Cahill. Hes 15 and a midget. Or Little Person if you prefer. And he started doing these lip synced videos and got noticed and is experiencing he 15 minutes of youtube fame currently. If you're like me at all, when you first saw him you were like what the fuck. But Ive watched like 5 interviews with him and I happen to love him now and will tell you why next week. And yes that's actually 50. It was filmed in a studio though, not the kid's house. PS-I don't care who you are this song is sick.

3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk&feature=related

I watched this like 10 times in a row the first time I saw it. I'm pretty sure that's a person in a Panda Suit.

4) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

Yes I understand the racial implications of this video. The reasons I find it funny are as follows 1) This was an actual news story. 2) The amateur sketch 3) That lady in the car around 2:00 is the shit. 4) The dude with the leprechaun flute that is obviously fucking with the reporter. 5) Did I mention the amateur sketch?

5) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBb4cjjj1gI&feature=fvw

These guys are really talented. Youtube talented. Not like Nobel Prize talented. Very thin ice. Verythinice verythinice verythinice.


Ok that's all you get for now since I'm already running late. Come back next week !! Have a great weekend.

~Maria