Workin at the Car Ramp

Well hey there you. I hope you are doing well on this splendid day.

For any of you that have been reading this literary abortion on a consistent basis, 1) what is wrong with you, 2) thank you very much, and 3) you know that sometimes I like to start this thing out by telling you some random thoughts I have that aren't long enough to make a full post about, but that I personally find interesting enough to waste 15 seconds of your time with. Begin.

* I take issue with those new electronic billboards that change ads every 17 seconds. Mainly because they are going to cause me to rear end a semi which in turn will cause my Toyota Corolla to explode since its made of 100% plastic by product and if you even so much as brush up against that shit in winter, it is instantly in 500 pieces. So screw you guy who turned billboards into giant tv screens. I'll be sending you the bill when my car spontaneously combusts.

* If you have an electronic toothbrush like me--fancy, I know--go look at a digital clock while you are brushing your teeth. I came upon this discovery because my ADHD doesn't allow me to stand still the 3 minutes it takes to correctly brush your teeth, and so I go wandering about the house, trying not to drip toothpaste foam on my clothes or the carpeting. Anyways. Look at a digital clock. You will be amazed.

* If a dog's sense of smell is so much stronger than a humans--Side Note--I tried to look up the exact numerical percentage of this fact, and all I found were responses on WikiAnswers that sounded like a 13 year old wrote it: "A dog sense of smell is 10,000 more stronger then a humans." so I decided to just skip it since I don't like overloading you jerks with false information--why do they enjoy smelling and rolling around in shit that we with our feeble human scent organs can't even stand to be around? My dog rolls in dead animals, mushrooms, other dog's shit, and garbage. How isn't he throwing up constantly? It makes no sense.

 Ok so enough of that randomness, lets move on to other randomness. Today lets discuss the many oddities of the Parking Ramp I pay $110 a month to house my vehicle in on a daily basis. Because I seem to be in a listing type mood aka I'm being really lazy, I'm going to continue with that.

1) The stairwell smells like a pool
I have no idea why. But this parking ramp stairwell that I walk in every day smells like when you are staying in a hotel and you are trying to find the pool, and you eventually turn down a hall and suddenly smell chlorine and get all excited because you know you are almost there! I go through this every morning, except whats waiting for me at the end of the stairwell isn't a poorly cleaned hotel pool, but rather a 10 hour day in a government building.

2) The parking spaces can comfortably fit half of a mini cooper
I understand the rational behind why this is done. The more parking spaces there are means the more money in the hands of the greedy parking ramp Nazis. Fine, whatever. But this also means that the 74% of people that park in this ramp that drive escalades and small one engine aircraft to work every day take up 3-4 parking spots every time they take their vehicle out of gear and go about their merry ways. This in turn forces me to attempt to be to work on time so that I'm there early enough to not have to try and wedge my car in between a 747 and a cement pole.

3) I try and park in the same spot every day because it has tinfoil stuff on the ceiling and I think it keeps my car warmer.
When it's -30 below not including the windchill, I make an attempt to park in areas of the ramp that seem to be more sheltered from the wind. I recently came across a little pocket of a space that holds roughly 4-5 vehicles. For some reason, the ceiling is lower here, and it's covered in what appears to be tinfoil. I'm convinced that this is a form of insulation and that parking under it will increase the life of my car exponentially.

4) I have been cursed in that every day, no matter where I park, I end up right next to this car with the following Bumper Sticker on it: "I'd rather be reading Flannery O'Conner"
I'd rather you shut your face. No one is impressed that you 1) enjoy reading and 2) feel the need to show us how intellectual you are for liking an author that died in 1964. Just stop it ok? I'm sure you are a decent person, but really, knock it off or I will be forced to create and affix my own bumper next to yours that says "Nobody Cares"

5) I'm fairly certain the parking attendants watch me Austin Powers the shit out of my car every morning and laugh.
Remember how I told you I prefer to park in the secret super warm tinfoil pocket? Well this pocket is so small you have to pull into the spot in front of you, and then carefully back in next to a cement pole. Because I am OCD, I feel compelled to alternate from reverse to drive 50 times until I'm satisfied I am directly in the middle of the two yellow lines. This can take upwards of 45 seconds. And the space I like to park in is directly across from a video camera. I'm glad my mental illness has the ability to make a lonely parking attendant smile. That's all I've ever wanted.

6) The lower you go in a parking ramp, the closer you are to Rape Central. 
Sorry ladies, but its true. The ramp I park in goes like 5 stories underground, and once you hit level 3 or 2, things start to get perpetually sketchier. Rape Central is any place that is vaguely lit, minimally staffed, and full of good hiding spots. So bring your rape whistle and turn up your awareness meter. And once you reach the chlorine smelling staircase, you run like the dickens until you see natural light and you should be fine.

7) This Sign. Makes me laugh. And confuses me:

I think it's safe to assume that this parking ramp no longer provides safety escorts. The red crossed out circle is drawn in with a marker by the by, as is the NO. Wouldn't it have been better to write in the NO at the beginning of the sign? Or better yet, since you no longer provide this service, how about taking the entire thing down so all the potential creepos hanging out on level 1 in Rape Central aren't aware that this ramp is no longer being patrolled by big men in navy blue uniforms. All of the other women under 6'1 would appreciate this as well. Thank you.


So there you have it. I hope you had fun. Have a great weekend

~Maria