Applebee's Birthday Extravaganza 2011

Hey there and good morning to you. If you came back after last week, thank you, you get a gold star. Don't worry, I'm back to hiding from the worlds problems and drowning my sorrows in family sized fries from Culver's, so there will be no ranting today.

Alright so last night as I was driving home from work I heard a radio DJ announce that his station was giving away meet and greet passes to attend Nicole Scherzinger's birthday party in Las Vegas. If you don't know who Nicole Scherzinger is, she is the former lead singer of the Pussy Cat Dolls, and  happens to be one of the only women I am in love with mainly because shes one of the sexiest people on the planet. See photo below.

So sexy in fact, that the PCDs broke up since the group could have easily been renamed "Nicole Scherzinger and some other people"  and no one would have noticed or cared as long as Nicole was still front and center in every video being her glorious self. **Side Note**- holy fuck, how the hell did that red head get in....don't worry she was replaced within a year by a  cuter red head with more palatable facial features.

So anyways, like I said, this radio station is giving away passes to go hang out at Nicole's birthday party in Las Vegas. And after hearing this, all I could think of is how incredibly awkward and fucked up that prize is for all people involved. I mean, here Nicole is, a simple celebrity trying to throw herself what I'm assuming is an extremely lavish and wasteful birthday shindig in Sin City for all 500 of her closest friends, and now she has to worry about these 2 assholes from Minnesota showing up and wanting to talk to her and take pictures with her and pretty much just loser up her birthday party in general. And, even though I am in love with her, there is no way in hell I would ever want to show up to her birthday party. Birthday parties are for actual friends and relatives. Not creepy creepers that are hyperventilating at the thought of being in the same room with you for 45 minutes. I would feel like such a douche at this thing if it were me. I mean, what do I really have to talk about with people who spend more money on their hair extensions than I will make in 10 years, you know? Celebrities have been so far removed from what real people do and how real people live on a daily basis, that any attempt at conversation would probably end in tragedy. 

Because this radio prize is such an awkward mixing of social classes, I thought it would be really awesome if instead of being flown to Vegas to creep on celebrities that could give two shits about them, these prize winners were driven to my own birthday party celebration at Applebees in White Bear Lake. Below is a transcript of how I imagine the interaction would go: 

Prize Winners: (getting out of limo) "Hey, what the heck, this isn't the airport! Why are we stopping at this Applebees?? Our flight leaves in 25 minutes!!"

Limo Driver: "I just do's what I'm tolds. They says to bring you twos here, so I dids."

Prize Winners: "Maybe they want us to get something to eat for the plane ride or something" "Yeah maybe"

Me: (walking out into the parking lot): "Hello my good friends, The Prize Winners!!! Welcome to Maria's Applebees Birthday Extravaganza 2011!!!! Are you guys ready to get your grub on?! I hope so!! Hey you're a little dressed up for the occasion, but what the hell right? Come on in!"

Prize Winners: "Ummm, what are you talking about?"

Me: "Oh they didn't tell you, did they...those bastards, haha, so basically, what happened is, Nicole Scherzinger decided that she didn't want people she didn't know at her birthday party, so instead of partying with celebrities in Vegas, you'll be having dinner at Applebees with me. I can see you're pretty pumped and you should be. I  just ordered the restaurant's entire supply of green beans fries. Hoooollllllla!!"

Prize Winners: (girl starting to cry) " NO! This is NOT FAIR!! I mean, I spent $500 on this dress, Chad went out and rented a tux, we were at the salon for 4 hours today making sure our pores weren't too big, this is crap!!! I'm going to scream!!!

Me: "Look, I don't what to tell you. She changed her mind. Shes rich and famous and beautiful, so she can pretty much get away with that kind of crap. But, on the bright side, you are about to enjoy a kick ass meal from Applebees all at no cost to you or ChadBro, so really, you should be grateful Nicole changed her mind."

Prize Winners: (Chad begins to get angry, girl is sobbing hysterically) "Look bitch. I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but me and my lady were told we wont tickets to Vegas, not tickets to come hang out with some fat ass loser at an Applebees. This is bullshit. I'm calling the radio station. Don't worry babe, Ill get this shit worked out"

Me: " Good luck with that Chad. In the meantime, 'hey you Girl, why don't you come sit down at my booth and relax a little. The first bushel of green bean fries should be ready by now and you look a little peeky'."

Prize Winners:  (Chad, in background, waiting on hold to talk to radio station employee, shouting angrily at the sky, Girl crying harder, now laying on sidewalk) " NOOOOOOO!!! Why me, life is so unfair!!! OMG I cant even believe this, I told like 700 people that I was going to meet Nicole and take pics with her, and I was going to use it as my new FB profile pic and everyone would be so jeal and she was going to hear me sing and ask me to be in a 2 person female pop duo and we were going to travel all over and I would be famous and rich and then Chad would propose to me and we would get married and have 2 perfect blond children and I would stay at home and wash his socks while he watched football with his friends in our living room!! Its all ruined!!! All Gone forever, I hate my life whhhhhhy meeeeeee!!!!!"
Me: " Thats seriously what you thought was going to happen as a result of winning these tickets?"
Prize Winners: "Well duh, Yeah of course! Why do you think people want to win tickets like these so bad you idiot?"
Me: "Right. How silly of me. Well, I'm going to head back in to get started on those green bean fries before my friends finish off the first batch without me. You and Chad are welcome to stop in if you feel so inclined. And you should know, if you finish your entire meal, you get a free strawberry cheesecake dessert shooter."
PrizeWinners: (Chad threatening to kick the radio station employee's ass, Girl passed out from crying too hard)

In conclusion: forced hang-age with celebrities or the very rich that you aren't actually friends with will not result in you yourself becoming rich or famous or being invited back to their summer beach home on Fire Island. It will however result in you feeling bad about yourself in an innumerable amount of ways, and wishing that your life was different. My advice to you would be to avoid these interactions at all cost, and to be excited that you are lucky enough to eat at fine dining establishments like Applebees whenever you want.

Later Gators

~Maria