Tiniest Toad in the World

So last night the husband and I were out for a walk with our giant dog because if we don't exercise him, he is an asshole and breathes in our faces when we lie on the couch and squeaks his squeaker toy really loud during movies and crap. So we let him run around these woods by our house and now that the foliage is really tall he loves hopping through it like a gazelle whilst grabbing large chucks of grass in his mouth and eating it which is really annoying since this either makes him puke or shit weird.

ANYWAYS

On the way back home, I spotted something that looked like a cricket hopping on the side of the road. I didn't have my contacts in, and am still waiting for my new glasses---hurry the F up Spectacle Shoppe, your added e is already annoying enough without lying to me about my glasses being ready in a day--so I bent down to see what a cricket was doing in the road since they usually prefer to hide in places like my grandmas basement or in a dusty part of your garage.

And to my great joy and amazement, I discovered that this creature hopping on the side of the road, was not in fact an insect, but the worlds tiniest baby toad. Now, I used to be lucky enough to have a cabin to go to as a child, so I can safely say I have a pretty extensive knowledge on things like baby toads and baby turtles and whathaveyou since I used to collect them by the bucketfuls back in the 80s. And I have never seen a toad this small. Ever. He was so small, I couldn't pick him up with my fingers for fear of squashing his delicate little insides. Because my husband is an engineer, he figured out that allowing the toad to hop onto a small leaf, and then picking up said leaf would be the safest way for us to get a closer look at this beast, as I sat there struggling with the frustration of needing to hold this thing, and not being able to pick it up without smooshing it to death. **Side Note**There is a reason some people are born with logical thinking brains, and that reason is to help the emotional thinking beings like me figure out ways to pick up a baby toad without killing it. Because if I wasn't able to hold this thing, I would have freaked the F out.

After all of these words, I'm sure you are hoping for a picture. And thanks to the magic of technology, I do have a decent photo to show you. The appendage you see in the picture is the tip of my thumb. I just measured my thumbnail, and it is 3 centimeters long to give you some perspective on the size of this guy.

So yes. There you have it. The Worlds Tiniest Toad. We only held him long enough to take this picture, and then let him go back on his merry way. I realize there is a good chance that this small of a creature might not survive to adulthood, and later on in the evening we even discussed how much money it would have taken for one of us to eat him---Me--couldn't do. For any amount of money. You can not kill something that cute. Its like worse than kicking a puppy. Husband--10 bucks---but I thought it was cool to see something that small that actually has a tiny brain and heart and skeleton and nervous system and junk. I am kind of a science dork at heart along with liking fantasy novels. Just in case you forget, I am the coolest.

So yes. Have a lovely weekend and go outside sometime in the next few days and appreciate nature for once you assholes. 

~Maria

Applebee's Birthday Extravaganza 2011

Hey there and good morning to you. If you came back after last week, thank you, you get a gold star. Don't worry, I'm back to hiding from the worlds problems and drowning my sorrows in family sized fries from Culver's, so there will be no ranting today.

Alright so last night as I was driving home from work I heard a radio DJ announce that his station was giving away meet and greet passes to attend Nicole Scherzinger's birthday party in Las Vegas. If you don't know who Nicole Scherzinger is, she is the former lead singer of the Pussy Cat Dolls, and  happens to be one of the only women I am in love with mainly because shes one of the sexiest people on the planet. See photo below.

So sexy in fact, that the PCDs broke up since the group could have easily been renamed "Nicole Scherzinger and some other people"  and no one would have noticed or cared as long as Nicole was still front and center in every video being her glorious self. **Side Note**- holy fuck, how the hell did that red head get in....don't worry she was replaced within a year by a  cuter red head with more palatable facial features.

So anyways, like I said, this radio station is giving away passes to go hang out at Nicole's birthday party in Las Vegas. And after hearing this, all I could think of is how incredibly awkward and fucked up that prize is for all people involved. I mean, here Nicole is, a simple celebrity trying to throw herself what I'm assuming is an extremely lavish and wasteful birthday shindig in Sin City for all 500 of her closest friends, and now she has to worry about these 2 assholes from Minnesota showing up and wanting to talk to her and take pictures with her and pretty much just loser up her birthday party in general. And, even though I am in love with her, there is no way in hell I would ever want to show up to her birthday party. Birthday parties are for actual friends and relatives. Not creepy creepers that are hyperventilating at the thought of being in the same room with you for 45 minutes. I would feel like such a douche at this thing if it were me. I mean, what do I really have to talk about with people who spend more money on their hair extensions than I will make in 10 years, you know? Celebrities have been so far removed from what real people do and how real people live on a daily basis, that any attempt at conversation would probably end in tragedy. 

Because this radio prize is such an awkward mixing of social classes, I thought it would be really awesome if instead of being flown to Vegas to creep on celebrities that could give two shits about them, these prize winners were driven to my own birthday party celebration at Applebees in White Bear Lake. Below is a transcript of how I imagine the interaction would go: 

Prize Winners: (getting out of limo) "Hey, what the heck, this isn't the airport! Why are we stopping at this Applebees?? Our flight leaves in 25 minutes!!"

Limo Driver: "I just do's what I'm tolds. They says to bring you twos here, so I dids."

Prize Winners: "Maybe they want us to get something to eat for the plane ride or something" "Yeah maybe"

Me: (walking out into the parking lot): "Hello my good friends, The Prize Winners!!! Welcome to Maria's Applebees Birthday Extravaganza 2011!!!! Are you guys ready to get your grub on?! I hope so!! Hey you're a little dressed up for the occasion, but what the hell right? Come on in!"

Prize Winners: "Ummm, what are you talking about?"

Me: "Oh they didn't tell you, did they...those bastards, haha, so basically, what happened is, Nicole Scherzinger decided that she didn't want people she didn't know at her birthday party, so instead of partying with celebrities in Vegas, you'll be having dinner at Applebees with me. I can see you're pretty pumped and you should be. I  just ordered the restaurant's entire supply of green beans fries. Hoooollllllla!!"

Prize Winners: (girl starting to cry) " NO! This is NOT FAIR!! I mean, I spent $500 on this dress, Chad went out and rented a tux, we were at the salon for 4 hours today making sure our pores weren't too big, this is crap!!! I'm going to scream!!!

Me: "Look, I don't what to tell you. She changed her mind. Shes rich and famous and beautiful, so she can pretty much get away with that kind of crap. But, on the bright side, you are about to enjoy a kick ass meal from Applebees all at no cost to you or ChadBro, so really, you should be grateful Nicole changed her mind."

Prize Winners: (Chad begins to get angry, girl is sobbing hysterically) "Look bitch. I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but me and my lady were told we wont tickets to Vegas, not tickets to come hang out with some fat ass loser at an Applebees. This is bullshit. I'm calling the radio station. Don't worry babe, Ill get this shit worked out"

Me: " Good luck with that Chad. In the meantime, 'hey you Girl, why don't you come sit down at my booth and relax a little. The first bushel of green bean fries should be ready by now and you look a little peeky'."

Prize Winners:  (Chad, in background, waiting on hold to talk to radio station employee, shouting angrily at the sky, Girl crying harder, now laying on sidewalk) " NOOOOOOO!!! Why me, life is so unfair!!! OMG I cant even believe this, I told like 700 people that I was going to meet Nicole and take pics with her, and I was going to use it as my new FB profile pic and everyone would be so jeal and she was going to hear me sing and ask me to be in a 2 person female pop duo and we were going to travel all over and I would be famous and rich and then Chad would propose to me and we would get married and have 2 perfect blond children and I would stay at home and wash his socks while he watched football with his friends in our living room!! Its all ruined!!! All Gone forever, I hate my life whhhhhhy meeeeeee!!!!!"
Me: " Thats seriously what you thought was going to happen as a result of winning these tickets?"
Prize Winners: "Well duh, Yeah of course! Why do you think people want to win tickets like these so bad you idiot?"
Me: "Right. How silly of me. Well, I'm going to head back in to get started on those green bean fries before my friends finish off the first batch without me. You and Chad are welcome to stop in if you feel so inclined. And you should know, if you finish your entire meal, you get a free strawberry cheesecake dessert shooter."
PrizeWinners: (Chad threatening to kick the radio station employee's ass, Girl passed out from crying too hard)

In conclusion: forced hang-age with celebrities or the very rich that you aren't actually friends with will not result in you yourself becoming rich or famous or being invited back to their summer beach home on Fire Island. It will however result in you feeling bad about yourself in an innumerable amount of ways, and wishing that your life was different. My advice to you would be to avoid these interactions at all cost, and to be excited that you are lucky enough to eat at fine dining establishments like Applebees whenever you want.

Later Gators

~Maria

Whats Really Going on in Florida

As of late, I have been reading a lot of stuff on FB, and on blogs, and forums, and online news sources and whathaveyou about the proposed legislation in Florida where Welfare recipients would have to submit to a mandatory drug test before being approved for any kind of  monetary government assistance. It should be noted that this legislation is specifically targeting TANF-which stands for Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, Families being the operative word here, meaning that anyone applying for any version of this program has children that live with them. 

This legislation is supposedly going into affect in Florida starting July 1st of this year. All applicants are required to pay for the mandatory testing out of pocket, and if they pass, would be refunded their money, and allowed to begin receiving benefits. If they do not pass, much like the dreaded renter's damage deposit, they lose out on their "I'm applying for welfare" deposit, and are banned from applying again for a year; 6 months if they can prove that they have successfully completed a drug treatment program, which they would have had to fund themselves. Two failed drug tests in a row, and you're blacklisted for 3 years.

If a person fails a test, there is the option of delegating another adult to receive the benefits to ensure that the failed test bearer's children will be accounted for and able to receive help. Of course, the delegated adult must also be able to pass a drug test, or the children of these failed drug test applicants are pretty much shit out of luck. **Side Note**If one looks closely at the footnote of this proposed Bill, you can see the following sentence in italicized writing "Sucks to be you Poor Kids! Next time try being born into a family that doesn't suck at life you dumbshits!! Tea Party 4 Lyfe!"

Now, reading the general population's thoughts on this bill over the last few days has been somewhat of a struggle for me. If you keep up with this blog on a regular basis, you're aware of my short temper, foul mouth, and inability to deal with stupidity for more than 5 seconds at a time. But over the last 48 hours, I have reached an entirely new level of rage, one that burns so white hot, its almost undetectable.  I'm going to try very hard to keep my cool, because yelling at you and calling you a stupid asshole does nothing to help you understand where I'm coming from or to really hear the facts that are being presented to you.

So. Lets begin at the beginning. Which for me, stems from who this legislation is being proposed by. Enter one, Rick Scott. To prove to you that I'm not using a completely biased news source, I'm submitting the link to Wikipedia's entry about this man: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rick_Scott . Dear Wikipedia: I don't know how your copyrighting rules work, but anything I take directly from your site, any complete, full sentences, I give you credit for. Please don't sue me.

 Rick Scott started out as a lawyer in Dallas, working for Johnson & Swanson during the late 80s, early 90s. At some point in his career, Scott became interested in hospitals, and took it upon himself to head a new business endeavor entitled,  Columbia Hospital Corporation, along with 2 other businessmen. Columbia Hospital Corporation, founded in 1988, experienced such rapid development over such a short time frame, that it was recognized by Business Week Magazine as one of the 50 Best Performing Companies of the S&P in 1997. To really understand the full scope of CHC's success, a timeline is necessary.

*1989--First year of business, CHC acquires 4 hospitals in El Paso, totaling over 833 beds
*1992--CHC merges with Basic American Medical, adding 8 more hospitals to their total
*1993--CHC buys out Galen Health Care, 90 more hospitals acquired.
*1994--CHC finally buys out Hospital Corporation of America, 100 more hospitals gained
*1995--CHC purchases Healthtrust, 80 more hospitals acquired
*1997--Over 350 hospitals, 130 surgery centers, and 550 home health care locations owned by CHC. CHC is bringing in a revenue of over 23 billion dollars, and is the 7th largest employer in the United States, and the 12th largest employer in the world. You read that correctly. The world.  Rick Scott is Chairman, and CEO of all of this.

*March 19th, 1997--FBI special agents raid dozens of CHC hospitals in an attempt to recover evidence of the millions of dollars in Medicare fraud that several whistle blowers, and former CHC employees claimed to have been  privy to over many years.

*2000 and 2002--CHC pleads guilty to 14 felonies and agrees to a $600 million dollar fine--the largest fraud settlement in US history. Rick Scott resigns as Chairman and CEO, but is awarded a 9.88 million dollar settlement, 10 million shares of CHC stock, and does no jail time.

Scott goes on to become a venture capitalist, forming Richard L Scott Investments, which has stakes in health care, manufacturing and technology companies. He co-founds Solantic in 2001, a Jacksonville based urgent care center that provides urgent care services, immunizations, physicals, drug screening, and care for injured workers. As of March 2009, Solantic had 24 centers, all located in Florida. Solantic has been the target of numerous employment discrimination suits, including one that settled with 7 plaintiffs for an undisclosed sum on May 23, 2007. These suits allegedly stem from a Scott-directed policy to not hire elderly or overweight applicants, preferring 'mainstream' candidates.

Scott assumes office as the 45th Governor of Florida on January 4th, 2011, after reportedly spending $78 million dollars of his own money to fund his campaign. His opponent, Alex Sink, reportedly spent $28 million.

So...


Why did I just tell you all of this? Because you should want to know it. The man proposing mandatory drug testing for all welfare applicants in the state of Florida is banking on the fact that you are an idiot. He is hoping that you will be more interested in the upcoming results of the Bachelorette than the moral integrity of the people running your country. He is laughing that he was in charge of the company that boasts the largest fraud settlement in US history, and that he did absolutely no jail time for it. He giggles thinking about how he was paid millions of dollars for washing his hands of the whole thing and knowing that America will let his greed and indiscretions fall off their radar, and in fact, will forget to the point that they decide he is the right person to run the state of Florida.

And he privately owns--now recently transferred into his wife's name--24 Urgent Care Centers in Florida, all of which offer drug testing as one of their services. This is the kind of person trying to put into place legislation that has previously been determined unconstitutional.


So now you know. And I can hear 3/4 of you screaming at me "So what!!! We don't give a flying fuck what Rick Scott has done in the past!!! We like what hes saying, because I'll be damned if my tax dollars go towards funding someones drug habit, when I bust my ass every day to pay my car loan, and rent, and buy toilet paper and Cheetos, and Reebok's". And I get what you are saying. I actually do. I understand why you are frustrated thinking that you work hard for your money, and that you think it is unfair that there are other people in the world that can meet their basic needs without having to work. My response to that sentiment:

1) : Lots of things in life aren't fair. Stop being a little bitch about it.**See comments section for further explanation of this, if it made your hackles rise**
2): There is no such thing as self made; everyone who has become financially successful did it with some form of help, no matter what they say. Being born into the right family, having at least one teacher that helped you with college applications or believed in you, living in a home that values work and working and passes those values on to you, these are all things we take for granted. Lots of people don't even experience one of those things.
3): You have no idea how vastly different your life could have been had you not had some form of help along the way. If you were born into a different family. I wish there was a way I could show you what might have been. If thinking you are better than someone applying for welfare makes you feel good about yourself, I alternate between feeling pity towards you, and wanting to smash your face in with a baseball bat.
4): If I'm interpreting you correctly, what you are really saying is that you are upset because 'using drugs' is not a necessary or legal act and as such, poor people should not be allowed to partake in something "unnecessary or illegal" on the tax payers dime. Lets deal with the "unnecessary" part first. What about welfare recipients abusing nicotine, alcohol, or prescription drugs? How does that make you feel? All 3 perfectly legal, but not necessary for survival. Should we demand that they be tested for these substances as well? It would stand to reason, with your logic, that yes, we should. What about making sure they aren't eating frozen pizza and hot dogs and blue mountain dew and oreos every night? Certainly these foods are not necessary for survival. We should probably add those to the pee test list as well. It's a very slippery slope, and passing legislation like this only paves the way for more invasive measures and larger forms of Big Government. Now for the "illegal" activity part. Can you say Government Bailout? Was that not the biggest example of taxpayer money going to support illegal activity ever??? What about every shady senator or Governor or Representative whose salary is funded by your taxes? Why are we ok with funding their acts of fraud and theft on the grandest scale, but yet we demand that Joe Everybody piss in a cup before signing up for an EBT card because the $8.50 hes making working 40 hours a week at McDonald's isn't cutting it to support his wife and two kids?  

The enemy is not the poor. You are being programmed to look below you on the social ladder instead of above you.  All I'm asking is that you take 5 minutes to really think about the big picture. Put this in perspective. I'm leaving you with the words of a good friend:

No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we are looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

If you made it to the end, thanks for taking the time to read this.

~Maria

Im Working Today

Alright so, I started working on Fridays a month or so ago, and I figured its time to admit to you that working a 10 hour day on a day where I would normally be spending 5 hours to create a new masterpiece for you  is starting to stretch me a little thin. So some weeks you will have a wonderfully long post full of lots of hand drawn pictures and well transitioned paragraphs, and limited spelling errors, and other weeks, like this one, you will get a few paragraphs and maybe some picture I found on google images since I was late for work and I'm scheduled to see 8 people today, and since this blog isn't helping me to pay my Qwest bill, I must defer to actually doing work while at work. See? I don't even like cats, and look at what I'm forced to resort to in the name of trying to hurry the fuck up:

 So because I am so terribly pressed for time, I'm going to list some actual real life things that have happened to me in the last 48 hours. Maybe this will help you to understand why this blog exists:

1) A gay man told me I'm built like a brick shit house.

2)  I watched an old lady in the grocery store go through a bag of cherries, pick out the ones she didn't like, and then hand them to the cashier while yelling angrily: "Yes, well I don't think I'll be taking these 5 home with me. I don't think I would enjoy eating something like that at all." and then she proceeded to take 10 minutes writing out a check for $7. ** Please see my posting on My Struggles With Ageism, aka why it was difficult for me not to slap the shit out of this woman after witnessing this spectacle**

3)  I watched my dog eat like 15 of those big, hard beetles that come out in summer after dark, that fly into your face and get caught in your hair. I tried to stop him, but the light on the deck was on, and because of this there were like 700 of them out there flying around stupidly and slamming into the sliding door, and bouncing off my dog's head and he just kept catching them in midair, and I was too scared to open the door since I knew that 50 of them would get in the house and crawl into my shirt, so I just stood watching him eat bugs to his hearts content safely behind the glass.

4) I ate a chipotle burrito without any rice. Because they forgot to put it in there. I wouldn't recommend it.

5)  A blue jay followed me for a block while I was on a walk. It kept hopping from tree to tree staring at me. I don't know what this means. Either I'm magic, or hes magic. I'm betting its me.

6)  I watched a dude with goggles on and spandex shorts do stretches in the middle of a bridge by my house. Do you need goggles for running now? I'm not hip, I don't know these things.

7)  I went to target and purchased  two things: a Stouffer's large Mac and Cheese and a can of pumpkin filling.

8) I ate an entire box of those ice cream cones with the chocolate coating in the inside. And they have that end that's filled with solid chocolate, and when you get down to it, you hope you still have a little bit of ice cream left so that you can pretend you are a giant holding a person sized ice cream cone, or alternatively, you will be able to find a squirrel or other small mammal and make them hold it and eat it the tiny cone like a person would for your amusement.

9) I started to reread the last Harry Potter book again because the final movie is coming out soon, and I want to be able to judge how accurate the movie is in comparison, and because that book is like 900 pages long, I have difficulty remembering all the details, so I started high lighting in it to ensure I remember which scenes to get pissed off about after they fuck them up, or change them.

10) I took a picture of myself and my dog with the phone on my camera, and ended up capturing what looks like some type of ghost or portal on the screen instead and then I deleted it because it was scaring me too much, and I couldn't stop looking at it. 

11) I attempted to creep by the blind man that fills our vending machines because I didn't want to bother him while he was working, so I tried to be extra quiet, but that sneaky bastard heard me and then I felt like an asshole because I didn't want him to think I was avoiding talking to him, I just didn't want get in his way, but how do you explain that to someone without sounding schizophrenic? Answer: you cant, so I just mumbled a awkward hello and took my breakfast sandwich back to my desk in shame.

12) I have checked the radar on my phone over 50 times. Its tornado season, you can never be too careful.

13) I debated whether or not I could come into work today wearing VS sweatpants with the reasoning being 'my washing machine broke'. I determined I would probably not be able to get away with this.

14) I opened a packet of Gushers that was entirely all red ones.
15) I woke up at 4:50am wondering why in the fuck birds sing every morning so god damn early during the summer, and I lay there thinking about what would happen if they didn't sing, and I decided the sun probably wouldn't come up or they would all explode, so given the alternative, I guess I will just have to deal with being awoken before my alarm and having to shut my window every morning for the next 90 days.

The End: