Friday, May 27, 2011

Bicycle, Bicycle, Bicycle, I want to ride my Bicycle I want to ride my Bike

Guten Tag, and Good Morning to you, on this Friday of Memorial Weekend. I will assume you are all busy packing your coolers full of Bud Light and Zima and Gatorade and trying not to forget your sunscreen or fishing pole or Nerf football or swimsuit as you get ready to embark on what is sure to be a glorious Memorial Weekend get away. I'd like to stop here, and take a moment to let you know that as you get ready for your superfunhappytimesexypartydrinkfest this weekend, I sit typing during my lunch hour, trying to enjoy the $6 chicken sandwich I just bought at a deli across the street. As if that weren't depressing enough, a coworker about 4 cubicles away keeps making this awful hacking sound, in an attempt, I assume, to remove the giant ball of phlegm that must be coating his throat.  

Because of this, I can no longer bring myself to eat another delicious french fry, which is a shame really, as the one covered in hot sauce that was on course for my mouth, just had to be set back down since I was this close to vomiting all over my keyboard. I would like my $7.99 back sir. 
Alright so me and my husband looked into the mirror a few weeks ago and were both like, shit. We are getting fat.

**Side Note**For the love of Christie Brinkley, do not correct me. I get that there are people larger than me out there, and that when anyone smaller talks about being fat, an alarm goes off in their head, and they freak the fuck out and get all angry and sad and crap. I understand where that reaction comes from. I really do. But everyone has an average, comfortable body weight, and once that weight has been breached, it should be socially acceptable to announce to the world "I'm on my way to getting fat". So, here goes:

Because of this recent breakthrough in acceptance of how we actually look, as opposed to how we think we still look, we decided that purchasing 2 family sized delight pizzas from Papa Murphy's for dinner once a week--that's the second time I referenced them in 7 days, I'll expect my check in the mail sometime next month Mr Murphy--probably isn't the most effective way to keep a trim figure. Also, the blasted MN winter hasn't helped, as after about 4 weeks of grey and cold, your body immediately goes into "not doing shit" mode, and your couch and ass automatically grow opposing magnets that are so powerful, it is near impossible to remove one from the other, so come June, you are lucky if your entire lower body hasn't atrophied and you are still able to walk.

So, since we--mostly me--cant handle not eating delicious food--as in I'm not dieting, kiss my growing fat ass--we came to the conclusion, that we will work on smaller portion sizes, and actually do something active after work. And because we--me--cant run worth dick--unless I'm being chased by a rapist--we decided to start riding bikes. 

And I have to tell you, I absolutely love it. Riding bikes is the shit. Your 9 year old self didn't lead you astray on that one; having your own bike and being able to ride it all around the town in the sunshine and look at all the animals and people and junk in the world is one life's most rewarding activities.

Now, like everything else in existence, there are people out there that will find a way to fuck bike riding up. They can take this simple act and morph it into something over complex and trendy and obnoxious, essentially killing the soul of what should be a fairly simple, lovely process. Riding my bike makes me feel at peace and one with the rest of the universe, which is no small feat considering the rage and anxiety disorders I am privy too generally make me want to kick the shit out of  99% of the population 75% of the time. So meeting anyone who dresses riding a bike up, or turns it into an exclusive activity is an automatic downer for me.  Luckily, I do know many people who are avid bikers, and not douchebags. They are helpful, and kind and not exclusionary, and willing to pass on their knowledge to you. These people are wonderful and should be held in the highest regard. That being said, I have some choice words for the rest of you aholes out there.
I have nothing against being competitive--in fact me and Jimbabwe--shout out to my Boo Andrea H for coming up with that kick ass nickname for my lifepartner--often get competitive as hell with one another while riding, and will see who can get to the top of a hill fastest, or who can ride no handed the longest. PS-Its not me. I don't ride no handed because I'm not a douche and because I'm too much of a pussy. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, that's cool if you want to ride your bike competitively. I don't care if you want to sign up for races and buy lots of expensive equipment, and wear spandex even if you shouldn't. Go you. What I do mind is when I pass you on the street and you don't wave back or acknowledge my head nod because I'm not dressed like you or not wearing a helmet or  not sponsored by Erik's. That's when I get pissed. Because you are taking something I love, and turning it into something shitty. So really please, all I'm telling you is,

Hipster scum, don't think you are absolved of this crime either. You also practice exclusion, just in a different, more subtle form. Yes, I bought a new road bike. I didn't find it in my Uncle Marty's garage and fix it up myself because I don't know jack about bikes besides the fact that all Pink and Teal Huffys from the 80s rode better if they had neon colored clackers on the spokes. My bike didn't come with a cool shoulder satchel backpack, and I don't roll up my trendy thrift store-esk Urban outfitter jeans when I ride because I wear cutoff sweatpants like a normal person since I enjoy being comfortable. I don't pretend I think driving a car is equivalent to beating a litter of children to death with a sack of oranges because I'm a realist, and get that its not always plausible to ask someone to ride their bike 25 miles to work every day from the suburbs.  So if we happen to run into each other in the bike shop since I got a flat tire and I want to learn how to fix it, I would appreciate it if you didn't roll your eyes when I ask someone to show me what I need to buy.

All I'm asking, is that for this Holiday Weekend, we all just be cool with one another. We all like riding bikes. That's what its called. Not Cycling. You're riding a god damn bike. End of story. So lets all be nice and give each other head nods and smiles when we pass each other on our two wheels these next few days. Lets let riding a bike, be just that, and enjoy the sunshine and animals and fresh air and not having to be at work. Wow that was emotional. See, I told you riding a bike makes me a better person.

Have a good weekend Muffintops


1 comment:

  1. LOVE the article! Couldn't agree more. Now you and Jimbabwe should get off your youthful non-fat asses, and join our bike team for the MS 150. It's alot of fun and in two weeks. Our team's motto is "We're old, but we're slow", so there is no pressure of being competitive as we are the only team with a portable AED machine. Have a great weekend and thanks for the donation!