Friday, May 6, 2011

All old people suck except my grandma: My struggles with Ageism

Well good morning to you!

Ok so over the last week I have seen these two geese that have apparently decided that this tiny ass puddle in the front yard of some kind of insurance company by my house is a great place to raise their family. I have seen them there 5 days in a row, so I know its not just a resting place: these birds truly think they have found a good spot to build a nest. I also saw a duck trying to swim in a puddle in a McDonalds parking lot yesterday, and so help me Kelly Clarkson, I was this close to running it over with my Corolla. For some reason, this kind of stupidity angers me greatly, no matter the source, or its brain size. Like I get  really mad that these geese cant tell the difference between this puddle and a nutrient rich, life sustaining pond. Does it look like there are fish in there? Or bugs or snails or whatever the hell it is you eat? You can see the grass poking through the water for fucks sake. Come on geese. Come on. Stop being assholes.

Like many people, I have a grandma. Actually I have 2, but for the purpose of this posting, I will discuss just the one since we lived in the same house together from the time I was 3 until I turned 24. Her name is Marie and she is 4 ft 7 inches tall. According to a billboard I saw once, 4 ft 9 in is the height where children still require a booster seat as normal adult seat belts aren't safe for them yet. This concerns me every time I see it since not only do I allow my grandma to ride in a car without a booster seat, but if you are good at math, you will also note she is 2 inches shorter than the requirement. Check below for proof-See, I only make up like 15% of what I tell you.
Anyways, this is her. Isn't she cute? Those glasses are called Jackie O's. Very exclusive.
So my tiny grandmother is going to be 86 this year. And she is one of the only old people I can handle being around. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that she is a cool old person, and is still hip looking, and since she reads the paper front to back every day, she is up to date on current events and whatnot. But in general, I am a huge ageist, and 75% of people over the age of 70 make me so angry I want to fucking explode. They suck at driving, they think because they are old they can be complete assholes for no reason at all, and they walk really slow in front of me when I'm trying to get somewhere in a hurry which is all the time since I'm always late. So yeah. They piss me off for the most part.
But I also understand that if by some twist of fate or if congestive heart failure is somehow magically cured in the next 15 years, and I happen to live past the ripe old age of 50, I will also have completely stopped giving a rat's ass about what anyone more than 10 years younger than me thinks, says or does as well. I mean, I already do that now with college students and younger, so it stands to reason that I will be one of the biggest douchebag old ladies ever. And I'm ok with that. But for now, I am still young and relatively agile, and thus can use their age against them.
Now, even though I love my grandma and can stand her more than others, her age-disease sometimes gets on my nerves as well. When this happens, I like to go through her home and look at things that old people exclusively do that make me laugh, which in turn lowers my blood pressure, and helps the anger dissipate in a safe, non-repressive way. Lets see some examples shall we?

GIANT BUTTON PHONE
All old people have phones with these huge ass buttons on them. Like abnormally large. I can understand why this would be helpful if one was starting to lose their eyesight, but I have seen perfectly vision capable elderly people with the same set up. I'm convinced that once you hit a certain age, a phone like this is just sent to your house, and whatever you were using before this evaporates, or is sent to Sri Lanka or something. 

CONFUSING PILL CONTAINER
 I understand that getting older means your doctor is going to pump you full of all these chemicals that supposedly help keep you alive for longer. I get that he is going to tell you take them at all hours of the day, and that with the amount you are taking its going to be confusing. But I when I look at one of these things, I just get more confused. Wait, so I'm supposed to go down and not across? But a calendar goes across, not down...I don't read a calendar, Monday, Monday Monday Monday. There is no way my old ass is going to be able to remember that, so expect to read in my obituary in 30 years that I died from an overdose of fish oil since I went across and not down like a jerkoff. 

WATCHING BIRDS AND CRAP
  When she was younger, my grandma could have given 2 shits about children or animals. Gross. Ick. No thank you. They are expensive, and dirty, and will wreck your shoes or get stains on the dress you were planning on wearing out dancing to the Marigold Ballroom. But since she has become age-ed, she fucking LOVES animals. Loves them. I will go over to her house and she will tell me a 45 minutes story about how she saw a blue-jay. I shit you not. I buy her 25lb bags of birdseed for Christmas and she acts like I just bought her a new car. It's pretty fantastic.

BUY GROSS CANDY AND OFFER IT TO EVERYONE
 The only candy my grandma ever has lying around is Werthers. For some reason all old people love these golden wrapped shit nuggets. I don't know if it has to do with growing up during the Depression, and getting used to eating things that tasted like cardboard since all the sugar was going to help the Boys overseas, but for real, these things are nast. And every time I go over there, she has some on the counter or coffee table, and every time she offers some to me, and every time I have to be like "no grandma, that candy is disgusting", which she thinks is funny. 

There are probably a hundred more of these, but my ADD is kicking in and I need to go upstairs and buy something out of the vending machine before my stomach eats itself. So the morale of this story is, yes old people suck for a large majority of the time. But when you are feeling enraged by something someone over 70 has done, try and think about all the funny shit they do as well. I'm going to leave you with a picture of my grandma petting a dead deer carcass in my garage because I think its a perfect example of why I have decided not to smother her with a pillow yet:
 Have a lovely weekend tricks. 

~Maria

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