Night of the Twisters

Well hey there. I hope this day finds you in good health and spirits. I'm sure you've noticed that I now have Ads on my blog. I said I would never do this, but I finally said what the hell, why not. Before you get all in a tizzy about me selling out or some other ridiculous concept, I would like you to know, that to date, these Ads have procured for me exactly 13 cents, American. I can't even buy a jolly rancher with that amount of money. So I guess I'll just keep my day job then. My dream of being able to do this for a living will have to be squashed back down way deep in my psyche right next to my dream of owning a dragon, and my dream of becoming a Victoria Secret model.

So 2 nights ago there was this outbreak of tornadoes in the Southern United States. Around 250 people died in 5 states, which is a pretty big deal. **Side Note** I understand that tsunamis and earthquakes kill thousands, but tornadoes generally don't have such a large death tolls associated with them, so just settle down already. 

These storms reminded me that as a child, I was pretty much obsessed with severe weather and monitoring and documenting severe weather. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that my mom and grandma were OCD anxiety about storms, which in turn got my little 9 year old self all hyped up whenever a thunderstorm was brewing since it meant that we would be hiding in the basement with a flashlight and a radio on a friday night instead of watching TGIF,which for some reason was fun for me.



I remember taking a step ladder and climbing up on the roof several times--we lived in a 3 bedroom rambler, straight ballin--once I heard that severe weather was headed our way. I would bring a pair of shitty binoculars and sit there until my mom screamed at me to get off the roof, and get in the basement. I was absolutely convinced I was going to spot the tornado before anyone, and it would be just like in Twister were I would tie myself to some underground pipes and be able to ride the tornado and look up into its beautiful center without being filleted by the thousands of tree branches and nails and cars and shingles moving at hundreds of miles per hour.

But I never saw one tornado. Not even a funnel cloud, although according to my Tornado Journal--I know I know don't say anything--I recorded seeing things that resembled funnel clouds, that I assumed would eventually turn into funnel clouds, which would then turn into a tornado that I would be able to observe safely from the roof of my home. Never mind that I saw all of these almost funnel clouds directly over my own house. 9 year olds don't really have the capacity to see big picture, so just give me a break. 

Then, everything changed. On a completely normal day, I did a completely normal thing. I went to the library and checked out a book. The book I checked out was called "Night of the Twisters" and me being a Future Storm Chaser of Tomorrow, I checked it out with confidence and ease, knowing that it was going to be kick ass and get me even more pumped up for this summer's roof episodes. I was mistaken.

At 27 years of age, I can finally say what needs to be said: This book should be in the adult section. It should be restricted to children over the age of 25. It should not be in the Children's section of any library or bookstore. This book is terrifying. Look at the cover for Gods sakes:

But because I'm a hardass, I proceeded to the checkout desk with book in hand, a cocky swagger in my step, trying to prove to everyone within a 5 foot radius that I am not in fact, scared of this book. Pssssh. I sit on my roof during storms. I have a Tornado Journal. Do you know who I am? I'm Maria mother fuckers. I read books 100 times worse than this every day. Internally, I'm trying my hardest to cover up this book with the 3 other Goosebumps novels I'm also checking out, since the cover really is starting to scare the shit out me. I mean, where are his parents??? Why is he holding that baby?? Doesn't he see that other tornado coming towards him?? But really....where are all the adults??

I'll give you a little taste of what is in store for you if you decide you are brave enough to tackle this monster:

"When a tornado watch is issued one Tuesday evening in June, twelve-year-old Dan Hatch and his best friend, Arthur, don't think much of it. After all, tornado warnings are a way of life during the summer in Grand Island, Nebraska. But soon enough, the wind begins to howl, and the lights and telephone stop working. Then the emergency siren starts to wail. Dan, his baby brother, and Arthur have only seconds to get to the basement before the monstrous twister is on top of them. Little do they know that even if they do survive the storm, their ordeal will have only just begun. . . . "

So yeah. I read the book. In like 2 days. Because it was so horrifying I couldn't put it down. And it scarred me for life. FOR LIFE. Because of this book, even as an adult, I force my dog and husband to stop whatever they are doing and go downstairs to sit in our pseudo-basement when tornado sirens go off, which he hates and tells me I'm crazy for making them do, but then I remind them both that I will only get more hysterical if they don't do as I say, so its really for the best if they just shut the fuck up and get downstairs. **Side Note** When I get hysterical, I often blow a gasket and all matter of unpleasantries issue forth from my lips like water breaking a dam. 

Because of this book, the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is look at the radar on my phone. Because of this book, I often find myself glancing into the skies for no apparent reason.

Because of this book, I have turned into my mother, which is a battle I continually fight and lose.

Because of this book, I am afraid.

So today is dedicated to you, Ivy Ruckman. Thanks for making me more of a basket case than I already am. Do me a favor and go play with a plastic bag on the freeway.

~Maria