Road Trip: Not the terrible movie

Hey there long lost friends! Ive missed you. Thanks for still coming to this page after 3 weeks of nothing. But let's get over the past and move forward. First of all, I have a bone to pick: for the last year I have been spelling  the word "consciously" incorrectly in a very public setting--this blog--and not one of you assholes ever said anything. Thanks. Thanks so very much. I spend like seriously 2 hours checking my shit on here, and not once did I notice I was spelling consciously incorrectly. I'm pretty sure I use it every post. What the fuck. I blame you and not the fact that through my entire 7th and 8th grade career, I cheated on every spelling test because Ms Maus trusted us to grade each other's papers and everyone just gave everyone else 97% because you can't give each other 100% because then she will figure out we're cheating.

So I feel like a giant douche. But at the same time, I'm way too lazy to go back to search through and edit every misspelling, so henceforth, the word Consciously shall always be spelled the way it should be, and not like a 4th grade drop out from Oklahoma city would spell it.

Ok so me and my husband just got back from a trip to Jamaica. And I bet you think I'm going to tell you a story about something funny that happened there. I could, but I don't feel like it. So instead, you get to learn about what it's like to ride in a car with me on a road trip. **Side Note** I guess I should preface this by stating "what it would be like to ride with me in a car on a road trip if you were my life partner" since half the annoying shit I do on road trips I only do if Jimmy is driving because I like to think that pledging your life to someone else gives you the legal right to act like a 5 year old like 50% of the time if you feel like it.

So, because I'm rusty and really tired right now, I'm going to resort to listing.


Annoying Shit I do when on a Car Trip with my Husband

1) Fall Asleep:
I know this is a huge douche move. I mean, here I am, not the one driving, don't have to concentrate, can just sit back and relax, and I don't even have the common decency to remain conscious--success!!--for the duration of the trip to keep you company? What the hell. I really don't mean to do this.  But I cant help it. After about 45 minutes, my eyes start to droop, and I'm out like a newborn for at least 20 minutes.

2) Read:
I love to read. And if we are going somewhere, I'm going to bring a book with me. And since I have a Kindle--I know, I'm fancy as fuck--I'm actually bringing like 50 books with me. And I'm not going to be able to resist the urge to pick it up and see what happens next in whatever nerdy-ass sci fi book or memoir I'm reading at the time. *Plug* Read Bossypants by Tina Fey---recommended by my friend Ana, its absolutely hilarious. It made me really wish I could meet Tina Fey so we could be friends and walk around NYC mocking people and being awkward together. Someday. Someday Tina, you are going to find yourself with a new best friend. I'm sure you are as excited as I am.

3) Point out every animal we pass:
I cant help it. I like animals. So shouting, "look, cows!!" or "hey look at that white horse over there eating grass" or "oh my god a hawk just flew over us" isn't only natural for me, it's a compulsion. Like, I have to point it out or they might not live. Like having to clap so Tinkerbell doesn't die. I must tell you if I see an animal. It's the only way.

4) Take off my shoes and socks:
Lots of people don't like feet, which I get. Feet are pretty gross. But when I'm riding in a car, my feet will either be really hot or really cold, and it makes me feel icky and claustrophobic to sit in a seat for 5 hours so taking off my shoes helps relax me. Plus no matter what, I'm going to end up taking off my shoes and socks because I need to get more comfortable for when I fall asleep again.

5) Freak out about all the dog hair in my car:
This is a never ending battle, and with my OCD, the amount of anxiety I produce sitting with copious amounts of dog hair in a confined space holds enough Potential energy to fuel 4 atomic bombs. Its probably best if you let me pick up my book to distract me from the 17,000 pieces of dog hair floating around since you felt the need to open the window...ass...its like 35 degrees out wtf.

6) Get in a fight about something that happened like 5 years ago:
Ok so I'm not supposed to sleep or read, and we've just hit that part of the trip were we are both tired of talking, and the only radio station we are picking up is Country Jesus 107.5, and none of my CDs work that well since I don't have a cool CD holder and they are scratched to hell and skip every 90 seconds, so what else would you have me do than to sit and think about shit from the past that you cant help or that doesn't matter anymore anyways? Because if I'm not allowed to read or sleep, my mind is going to wander and because my baggage amounts to 7 duffel bags crammed so full the seams are breaking, I'm going to think about stupid shit that there is no way in hell you want to talk about. Sorry. After a short escalation of feelings, some crying, and then 20 minutes of silence, one of us is going to start laughing anyways, and then we will be right where we were 45 minutes earlier. And I just gave us something to do for 30 minutes. So actually, you're welcome.

7) Fall Asleep again after we get Culver's:
Culver's Buffalo Chicken Tenders Basket, large fry, side of ranch, and a medium drink with 75%Tropicana fruit punch, 25% water is a fairly easy way into my pants. You know this. So we are going to end up stopping there, and I'm going to eat the fuck out of that meal, and in 20 minutes after I stop gorging, the food coma is going to set in and I will fight like hell, but eventually I'm going to fall asleep again like an asshole, while you, also close to sleep from the fast food additives, will be forced to remain awake to ensure our vehicle doesn't hop the guard rail and result in our fiery deaths.



8) Every time we pass a cream colored Escalade, I will say the following "If escalades weren't the douchiest vehicle on the planet, I would buy the shit out of that, because that is the most baller car color known to man. Its like what I imagine a unicorns hair would look like if scientists could ever catch one":
 I cant help it. That color is bomb.

 9) Try to guess what personalized license plates are supposed to say by sounding them out, out loud
It's not my fault that everyone in Wisconsin has a personalized license plate because they must only be like $5 extra or something, which in turn causes the amount of cool shit available to drop drastically, and now I'm left to try and figure out what the fuck "2Ha74P" means, and I cant figure it out unless I try sounding it out out loud, plus I'm hoping that you will admit you don't get it either so I feel like less of a dumbass.

10) Get super hyper for 30 minutes and then...
aHHHHHHHHH I just got an energy boost!!! So now I'm going to dance around and poke you in the face and turn up the music really loud, and do lots of other annoying, childish shit because my ADHD is at the breaking point, and the Culver's coma finally relented its fast food additive grip on me, and I'm going crazy ohmygod why aren't we there yet???

11) fall asleep for the 3rd time.
All that dancing and poking you in the face wore me out. But its ok. Just let me sleep. We are only like 15 minutes away now, and when we finally reach our destination, you wont have to be in a car with me again for at least 3-7 days, by which point you will have resumed liking me as a person, and will no longer wish you could legally force me to ride in the trunk without any consequences.


In conclusion, riding anywhere in a car with with me for an extended amount of time if you are my significant other is like riding with a very foul mouthed 7 year old that you cant strangle because its not worth 25-Life over. Huzzah.

Have a super weekend


~Maria