Even though blogger was broken, I did create a paint picture. For the 3 of you that aren't actually friends with me on FB, this will be fun. For the rest of you, quiet, I'm allowed to recycle pre-used material if it means I get to sleep in an extra 20 minutes. So here you go:
Part of me thinks it would be funnier to not explain this, but I want to give credit where credit is due. This is a picture of my good friend Madrad's--shout out Part 1--guinea pig Beepers that she had when she was a child, and a talking tampon named Tampi inspired by my other friend Barb. So yeah. That was so fun for everyone.
Last Friday I was planning on showing you the kind of random shit that ends up in my purse because I clean it maybe once a month and because I'm a nerd and like to think that having a shoe horn, an old broken cell phone charger, and a half eaten nutrigrain bar might save me at some point in life since I think I'm MacGyver--I had to look up how to spell his name.
Currently, I am rocking a fucking giant behemoth off-white mom purse that I bought at a tiny shop in the St Paul sky way that's only open once every 3 months and I bought it solely for the fact that it was on sale, and because I feel like carrying a big purse will make me seem more feminine. True story. Here it is: Hollllla
Please note my inspirational quote about motivation from a Jay Z song in the background, as well as my OCD need to label everything. I'm sure the people I work with love me.
So lets take a look in here shall we? We shall.
Item 1) Dirty athletic sock-1
I'm guessing this was in my car for some reason, and one day I must have decided to throw it in my purse in case having one used dirty sock would be beneficial to me at some point in the distant future. In any case, I promise you I have no fucking clue where the other one is, and you now know I ruin every pair of socks I own because I walk around outside with them on without shoes on since I think its fun since I'm an adult and I cant get in trouble for it.
Item 2) Engineer Pin
The last time I visited my mother in law, she gave me this pin to give to my husband (her son for those of you feeling a little slow this morning) who is an engineer. If you are having trouble reading it, it says "Inspired Engineer". If you're also wondering why its still in my purse, and not hanging from my husbands shirt collar or attached to his backpack, that's because after I finally remembered 3 weeks later to show it to him, his response was, "what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" , so back into the purse it went. To live out its days until I finally decide to throw it away in 18 months.
Item 3) Massive amounts of lip gloss
I collect these like stamps, or coins, or locks of hair, or whatever it is people collect now. And at any given time, I wont be able to find any of them in my purse, even though I swear to Yahweh that I always put them back into the same one tiny zip up compartment thing, hence my need to carry 17 of them at once. Also, that thing on the left with the black cap is actually 'Basic Instinct Sex Attractant" that I bought at one of those sex toy parties because I'm a scientist at heart and I wanted to experiment and see if it actually worked. Since I bought it at a time in my life when I go out to bars only on the anniversary of Halley's comet passing earth, this was a poor purchase since I have yet to remember to put it on when I'm in a public setting. It's effectiveness remains a mystery.
Item 4) Cemetery Rating Sheet
So on Mother's Day I went to my mom's grave, and as my husband and I drive through the cemetery entrance, we are stopped by a lady handing out single flowers and pieces of paper. I rolled down my window, she hands me an ugly pink carnation--i don't care if its free, my moms way too classy for these old people flowers--and then says "oh and if you wouldn't mind filling out our Comment card to let us know how your visit was today". I almost shit my pants. How my visit was today? Well considering I'm coming to a cemetery on Mothers Day, Id say my visit was the most fucking fun Ive had in weeks!! I got to eat a hot dog, and bought a key chain, and the line for Wildthing wasn't even that long!! Super fun!! This is a cemetery. My visit sucked. Except for the fact that my mom is buried next to an old Marine named Milton, not much makes me laugh when I'm there. In conclusion, the Comment card remains in my purse so I can show people and mock the hell out of whatever manager decided this was a great way to get feedback about cemetery procedure.
5) 3 Sonic Ketchup Packets
To be fair, last Friday I had brought 2 cheddar brats to work with me, and was planning on eating them for lunch, but actually ended up eating them at 10:12 since I was too hungry to wait. So its not like I normally carrying around single serving condiment packets in my bag. Unless its Culver's Ranch, or McDonald's sweet and sour sauce. Those I would carry with me to the ends of the earth.
Item 5) Random Gift and/or Business Cards
I know you are jealous of the PaPa Murphy's gift card. I would be too. The thing is, every fucking time I go there, I forget I have a gift card in my purse. I don't remember until I get in the car. And by then its too late. Much too late. And that second card is a business card for a taxi drive that we met in Jamaica who drove literally 100 mph and talked about how he doesn't take shit from bitches ever, and that's why he looks so good at the age of 55. He did really look like he was in his 30s, so maybe he has a point. Don't take shit from bitches, and live longer.
Item 6) Wedding Day Jewelry
This is the jewelry I wore on my wedding day.....in Mexico....over 16 months ago. Why is it a new purse that I bought last month? I couldn't tell you. I have no idea how or why this is in there. I try not to wear it very much since the beads remind me of berries and I feel compelled to bite them, and I don't want to leave teeth marks on something I wore the day I got married. You think I'm joking, but I'm not. Is it not normal to feel compelled to bite things? I feel that all the time.
Item 7) Lots of Pens
This is actually a fairly new edition to my bag of wonders. It stems from the fact that I never usually carry a pen since no one under the age of 83 writes checks anymore, and I'm always the douche that has to ask to borrow a pen when you are filling out paperwork in a group setting. And I got sick of looking like an irresponsible asshole, so since I know myself, I make sure I have at least 3 in there at all times now since I'm going to lose at least 3 of them before the day is out.
Item 8) Bootlegg Kanye CD
As of today, I'm also carrying a Muse cd, a GaGa cd, and an old school Weezer as well. I carry these with me, usually carelessly thrown in and without a case, because I have to listen to music at work to prevent from jumping into the river. Music helps me focus, so I think I might be mildly autistic, which I'm ok with.
Item 8) Unpaid Bills
I'm covering up my address so I don't find any of your creepers hiding in the one bush in front of my house. Also, I use forever stamps because I'm a baller. These bills are due sometime in June. I will hang on to them until I get paid. If I don't have them in my purse, I will forget them in my desk drawer, or under a seat in my car, and in July will receive a statement that I neglected to pay last months charges. I'm trying to be a good citizen. Also, if anyone from Walters Recycling is reading this, we now have 3 garbage containers since when the city of Shoreview decided to be a dick and switched up the bins on us, we happened to be out of town and didn't get the memo about leaving your old bin on the curb to be picked up by Walters.
Item 9) An Apple
I carry this around because every day I tell myself I'm going to eat it with lunch, but then every day lunch time comes around, I remember that I don't like biting into apples, that I like eating them cut up, and that there aren't any knives in our kitchen because everyone steals silverware, and that I don't really want to eat it anyways because its been sitting in my purse for a week and its not all nice and cold out of the fridge. I hope it eventually dries up, and I'll make one of those creepy apple-head carvings and hang it in my cube.
Item 10) Crayons...I took from Buffalo Wild Wings
I love to color. Not with crayons though. But for some reason I felt compelled at one point in my life to take these crayons from a Buffalo Wild Wings. I am a frequent visitor of this establishment mainly because I could eat the Asian zing and mango haberno every day of my life, but I almost always get the wings to go since I don't want anyone to see that I'm buying 12 of each kind with the intention of eating all 24 by myself. I think I have only sat down in Buffalo Wild Wings 5 times in my life. So how these crayons ended up in a purse I bought a month ago, I will never know.
And there you have it. I also have credit cards and keys and wallets and tampons and gum, but those are all things you would expect to find in a purse, and thus not interesting. Thanks for taking this journey with me. I hope you have a nice weekend.
~Maria
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