Let's dive right in since I'm so excited. PS-I switch back and forth between tenses during this entire posting so just go with it. I tried to fix it but then I got tired and said fuck it.
Last week I woke up and walked into my kitchen only to discover what looked specks of tiny black rice in various places on my counter.
My first thought was that my husband spilled some seasoning when he was grilling the night before. Upon further inspection, I was horrified to realize that what I mistook for food product was in fact shit. Tiny tiny shit. That comes out of something with a tiny tiny butt. I immediately freaked out. **Side Note: I was raised in a household of neat freaks. Like, I wasn't allowed to hug a stuff animal when wearing my church clothes because it might get lint on my outfit. So realizing that I am now living in a home with some type of vermin induced a mild stroke.I ran upstairs and started googling rat, roach, and mice poop. I was surprised and annoyed that google images failed me on this one, and only showed like 3 actual pictures of vermin shit, and even then its far away and kind of blurry and the rest of what came up are all random things that people have labeled as mice or rat poop which depressed me to no end since there are some pics of people and even one of 2 hot chicks and The Burger King, which really made no sense at all. I came to the conclusion that we must have roaches since the 3 decent pics of mice poop all made whatever I had on my counter look way smaller than your average mice droppings.
My husband remained surprisingly calm as I screamed at him that we need to go get some kind of trap ASAP because its fucking gross that we have rats or mice or roaches and what the hell is wrong with us why are we so gross and dirty and I clean the damn counter every day what the fuck how does this even happen??3 Days and 7 panic attacks, and 57 more tiny shits on the counter later...
The Husband finally stopped by Lowes on the way home from work and talked to some old dude about what we might have in our kitchen. Before he can even finish the sentence "so we woke up to these little black specs" the old dude interrupts and goes "Mice. You've got Mice." He goes on to explain that for some reason, the Mice population in MN has exploded this fall, and that they have been selling 10x the normal amount of traps this season. This made me feel better. Sweet, we aren't just dirt balls!
That evening, we set the 4 traps by smearing peanut butter on them, which apparently Mice like better than cheese....so every cartoon you have ever seen is a lie. The traps are these scary looking white plastic things that are all teeth and snap shut so fast they fly 4 inches off the counter when they detonate. After baiting and positioning these machines of death, I started to feel a little bad. I know this is douchey and hippy-ish of me but keep your pants on. I just don't particularly like killing things is all. Its not that Im sad for the Mouse's soul or for his family, it's just that if I was born a mouse, and it was getting cold out and harder to find food, you can bet your ass I would be sneaking into some one's kitchen every night to pick at their leftover poptarts and tap dance on their bread. Because really, this is what I picture the Mice do at night when we are asleep:
So yeah. I kind of feel bad about killing them.Through the course of the night, I hear 3 of the 4 traps go off. And each time it happens I wake up and cringe. In fact after the 3rd trap wakes me up, I proceed to dream the rest of the night about waking up to find 4 huge white rats in the traps and none of them are dead, they are just stuck and squealing and moving around the counter and I keep thinking in my head holy shit how long do I have to wait until these sons of bitches die because there is no way in hell I'm going down there.
So when the alarm goes off at 4:30, need less to say, I'm hesitant about going down there to see what we will see. Turns out, the Mice we have are the teenseiest little things you've ever seen. They are so small in fact, that the only thing sticking out of the trap are their teensy mice feet & tail. This is why I thought we had roaches. Because Quinn Mice are so small their shit looks like roach poop. And did you know mice have cute white bellies? Well they do. This is what a Quinn Mouse looks like in a trap:
We disposed of the small bodies and went about our business as usual. So far the death toll is up to 4.Another trap went off last night. I wanted to write this post in memory of the Mice we have killed and continue to kill as long as they keep shitting on our counters.
Mice: I'm sorry. I know you are just trying to survive. If you were ugly like rats or roaches, this wouldn't be so difficult for me. But really, it has to be done. Because I don't go into your mouse nest and shit all over your food piles. I hope your death is quick and painless. There's no blood on the counter so I'm guessing your little neck snaps and you don't even know whats happening as you lick delicious peanut butter off your tiny paws. I'm glad your last memory is of eating something tasty. Its actually a pretty good way to die. In conclusion, I'm sorry, and I hope you understand.
Love,
Maria
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