Rest in Peace Mom

I don't really know how to begin this. Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.

I know this story isn't unique or special. Not writing this for sympathy or attention. I'm writing this to let others out there know that they aren't alone. Because I felt and still do feel so alone in this pain. But I'm trying very hard to remember that death is something we all have in common. All of us will experience it. Some of us will lose everyone we love. Some of us only a few. Some of us will be the ones whose lives are cut short, and we will be the ones being missed. But all of us will have to deal with death eventually.

My mom Holly Marie Stadnik died on Wednesday October 22nd 2008. She had been living in Abbott hospital in Minneapolis, MN waiting for over 2 months for a heart transplant that didn't come in time. My mom honest to god, was 100% my best friend. I went to her for everything. Cared about her opinion the most. She was funny & smart & pretty & an awesome cook & people loved her, even if she didn't realize those things about herself. She had a really difficult life. But she always kept going. Always kept trying. Always found humor in everything. The hole her death has left in my life is hard to describe. I've had people ask me "how do you move forward, how do you keep going after losing your mom?" My answer is simply, you just do. It doesn't mean you do it particularly gracefully or honorably or anything. My answer is, you do it because what else can you do? Losing someone so close rips out this huge part of you. And you can either keep moving forward, or you can crawl in a hole and never come out again. There are many days I wish I would have crawled in the hole.

I don't know where my mom is right now. I don't know if she can hear me when I talk to her. People say she can, and as much as I want to believe that, I just don't know if she really can, or if me wanting her to be able to is all that there is to that. I don't know if the people we love that are gone can see us, see what we are doing with our lives, or if they even care. I don't know if when we die we just stop, and everything goes black, or if we float down this tunnel of light to this awesome place where all of our friends and family and pets and things we love are waiting for us. I don't know.

Sometimes I dream about her. Sometimes I think I feel her around me. Sometimes I get this buzzing in my ears which I heard can mean there is energy around you. My ears have been buzzing since last night. But I cant tell you conclusively if any of those things are verification that whatever form of my mom is around me. I cant. But I do hope that its her.

Take today to count your blessings. That sounds corny, but really, do it. No one really knows why we are here, what happens when we die, if there is anything more than this life. People think they know and that's fine. Some say faith or religion or science tell them the answers to these questions but when it comes down to it, none of us really know. In the last few years I have decided that the purpose of my life anyway is to make connections. That's what its about. So be happy & grateful today that you got to wake up this morning. Be thankful that you have at least one person in your life that loves you. Be happy that you have gotten to experience so many cool things. Be happy you've gotten to experience really shitty things too. They make you more appreciative of the cool stuff.

And if you have a minute, say hi to my mom Holly. I don't know if she can hear you. But do it for me. It makes me happy knowing there are others out there thinking about her, remembering her. Feels like it keeps part of her alive if other people don't forget her either.


Rest in Peace Mom. I love you & miss you.

Holly Marie Stadnik

June 12th 1957--October 22nd 2008