Am I supposed to eat this or have sex with it?

Good Morning Readers. Fall is in the air. Which means in 3 days it will be snowing. So soak up the good times while you can, because in this godforsaken state the nice seasons only last 1/4 of the year. I am discussing weather again. This is apparently my go-to opener when I'm too lazy to think of anything more clever to open with. Lucky you.

If you watch even an indiscriminate amount of tv, I hope that you've noticed that commercials started getting weird about 5 years ago. It began slowly, but in our current state, this epidemic has blossomed to ridiculous proportions and makes me angry and confused any time I sit down and turn on the television.

I will start by saying, yes. I am aware that Sex sells. I am also aware that the douches who work in advertising are getting paid the big bucks to create 10-30 second visual stimuli that's sole purpose is to make you want to buy something you either normally never would, or don't in fact need. Ok fine. That's their job. I also understand how playing into one of the most basic, primal urges of nature might be a good strategy for getting people interested in buying your crap. But. Advertising has crossed the line when it comes to using Sex as a means of tricking people into buying shit.

Beer commercials, lingerie, diet pills, body wash, perfume, lotion, hair products. These are the things I can expect to be advertised to me in a sexy way. Fine. Because aside from beer, all of these things revolve around physical appearance, which gets you thinking about sexy people, which in turns makes you crave physical contact. And you cant have the sex without physical contact. Even the Amish have contact when they do the nasty, even if that contact is through a hole in a sheet. **Side Note: The Amish are the best religious group to ridicule via the internet. Unless you print this off and hand it to one of them, they can never get outraged at my mockery. Point me. Aside from the above mentioned items, I shouldn't be forced to think about sex when watching a commercial for toothpaste or shoes or car insurance. Its confusing. And I already have a difficult enough time as it is without wondering why I'm getting tingly feelings listening to some chick talk in a sexy voice about PopSecret fat free kettle corn.

So. Here are my Top 3 What the Fuck/Why is this Sexy/I'm super confused/and possibly turned on Commercials:

3) Carl's Junior Teriyaki Pineapple Burger being eaten by dumbass chick from the Hills

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2j3l6xOqTc

Ok, what the mother fuck? First of all everyone knows that this girl does not eat at Carl's Jr. Her gold bikini was probably more expensive than the ingredients to make 300 Teriyaki pineapple burgers alone. Also, hamburgers aren't sexy. They just aren't. Steak, sure. But hamburgers, no. Its the ground up parts of the cow that aren't good enough to be sold the way they were attached to the animal. How does that make me wanna get my freak on? And lastly, have you ever tried to eat on a beach? If you went out into the sand with a burger of that size, I guarantee that you would be surrounded by 500 seagulls within 3 minutes. Being pecked and shit on to death is not my idea of sexy fun.

2) Betty Crocker Microwaveable Brownie Bowl

Chocolate and sweet desserts or confections aren't a huge stretch when making the connection to sexy times. But does the chick's voice really need to be dripping with sensuality when describing a prepackaged brownie? Does she really need to make the O face when biting into this bowl of dessert for the first time? Now I'm the biggest fat kid in the entire world. In fact, yesterday I got enchiladas from the food court at work, and then half way through my meal went and bought a 6 piece McNugget and large fry at the McDonald's next door because I couldn't stop myself. So I'm not judging the magic of food and the joy it can bring a person. I just don't think the joy is one that makes blood rush to difference orifices in your body. Lets just call this Brownie bowl what it is, shall we. We shall. Your single serving Betty Crocker Microwaveable Brownie Bowl means you are at home alone on a Friday night, not out on a date with another human being, and are too depressed to in fact actually make brownies, but rather are using a form of radiation to heat up a small single serving of dessert that will be marginally satisfying at best. There. Not feeling so frisky now are we.

And best for last 1) Uncle Ben's Instant Rice?!!

I tired really hard to find this commercial online, but I'm guessing the ad agency that came up with it is too embarrassed to make it available for unrestricted public viewing. So instead you just have to believe me. About 6 months ago I witnessed in horror a commercial for Uncle Ben's Instant Rice that featured women talking super sexy about how delicious and romantic and sexyhot Uncle Ben's rice is.....thanks to the magic of Direct TV, I rewound it like 5 times to make sure I wasn't imagining it. They were telling me how Uncle Ben's can set the mood and bring the spark back into an otherwise boring dinner. And the chick in the commercial kept sexily putting spoonfuls of rice into her mouth while giving the "lets bang" look to the camera...........................are you kidding me? Its rice. Its an orange box of rice. With an elderly African American man on the cover that's dressed in clothes from the 1920s. Its even named after him. Uncle Ben. There are so many things wrong with this commercial I cant even list them. To summarize I don't want to think about instant crappy food that features elderly men on the packaging that also uses the word Uncle in the title when I'm considering getting it on. I just don't. I'm sorry.

So my advice to you today, would be turn off your tv to avoid these advertising monstrosities and go ride bikes.

Have a sexy weekend.