I have the Night Blindness

Morning Readers! I missed you last week. Thanks for understanding.

Lets cut right to the chase. Since it's already 8:40 and I'm running late again. Welcome to my life. Full of disappointing people at every turn.

So, over the last few months, you might recall me telling you in every other post about my terrible road rage. How I scream at old women and honk my horn 3-4 times per car ride, and how I angrily pass people on the shoulder usually right in front of the "Do not pass on the shoulder" sign in my neighborhood. I do all of these things because everyone sucks at driving but me. But one thing I failed to mention to you, is that I do have a driving weakness. Much like Kryptonite is to Superman, this malady instantly renders me useless as a driver, and turns me into the people on the road that I hate the most.

I was in 5th grade when I first heard of it. My grandma informed me that she wasn't able to drive at night because she had "The Night Blindness". I remember thinking that sounds stupid and vaguely ominous, it must be an old people thing. She then explained that while driving at night, lights appeared brighter to her and makes it difficult for her to see. As a foolhardy youth I dismissed my grandma's problem as something I would never have to deal with. Ha. Sucks to be you, grandma!

Fast forward to my early 20s. I'm running late--shocker--for my night time coed volleyball game in a south Minneapolis suburb, which is forcing me to drive 90 mph since my husband and I decided to live in Canada. I'm about 15 minutes away, when I hit an patch of highway where it has clearly been raining for the past several hours. I'm instantly unable to see anything. The tail lights from the cars in front me me, the head lights from the cars on the opposite side of the highway, the street lamps, and the headlights from the cars behind me that are all beginning to angrily pass me all look like fireworks being shot off at ground level. I feel like I'm staring into the fucking sun. As I had never experienced this before, I start to panic. Am I going crazy? Oh shit I bet I have that brain parasite I saw on Discovery Channel that causes temporary blindness. What this shit is going on, and why don't any of these other aholes on the road seem to be affected by the highway suddenly turning into a strobe light???

Here is an example of what you with normal eyes would see, and me, with my cursed eyes sees:















After the initial shock wears off, I begin to get seriously concerned about my ability to even get home. Every time I go to take an exit, I overshoot it and miss, because the fucking road is glinting like the dickens, and I cant see the white lines on the road that are painted there to safely guide me off the highway. After missing 3 exits, and slowing down to a dangerous and infuriating 40 mph, I begin to cry. At this point I don't give a shit about being late for the game, all I want to do is successfully merge off of this shiny hellhole.

Luckily, the exit I'm supposed to be taking to get to the game comes up right as I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and I blindly swerve over hoping that I guess correctly and end up on the exit ramp and not in the ditch. And woohoo for me, I successfully manage to escape the freeway. Now, the regular street is just as shiny, and its almost worse because all of the other lights from grocery stores and gas stations and Walmart parking lots are now within my peripheral vision since exiting the highway, BUT, I am only forced to go 30 mph, which, from the standpoint of a blind person operating a motorized vehicle, I can tell you feels much safer. In conclusion, I end up making it to the game, 15 minutes late, but with a demoralized sense of self.

So, I dedicate this post to anyone I have ever tailgated for 10 consecutive miles in a row. To anyone I have given the finger to because they are driving like an asshole. To every 16 year old girl I have given the stink eye to while angrily shaking my head as I pass her because she is on her cell phone and is driving 20 miles under the speed limit. For every curse word. For every mild stroke I induce in myself while watching you people drive like quadriplegic spider monkeys. Know that if its past 6:30pm in winter--9:30pm summer---and if it happens to be raining, you have won. You leveled the playing field. And my lack of not enough rods or cones or whatever in my corneas, has finally allowed us to be equals in the eyes of the lord. As it is written, so shall it be done.

Happy Friday