Good Morning Readers! I'd like to start out today's posting by telling you a few random things that are too short to make a full post about, but that are probably interesting enough to be mentioned in an intro paragraph.
A) My husband came home last night to find that one of the knobs on our gas stove had been turned on and was leaking gas. He then went outside and on the deck discovered that the grill also had 2 knobs turned on and were also leaking gas. So. Someone is trying to kill us. Hooray! If you read my blog attempted murderer, you should know, we are still here. Valiant effort though.
B) I have found that lately I'm having a very difficult time not shouting or writing inappropriate phrases and offensive words at the end of sentences. I never actually do it, but it crosses my mind to add something to the end of a sentence because it would be funny, and I honest to god almost pee my pants because I get so scared of even having the thought. And then I sit there and think about how much trouble I would have gotten in if I actually did it and I get even more nervous. Fun times in crazytown.
C) I came to the realization yesterday, that I just don't like working. Years ago, I used to think it was my job, and that switching jobs would fix everything. But I have had every kind of job under the sun including manual labor--Office Space is lying when they imply that being a construction worker will free your soul--and I realized that its not that I have the wrong job. I just really don't like working is all. I lack ambition. Ambition in my sense of the word means I got up and put the juicy juice container--we only drink 100% juice in the Q household--back in the fridge before falling asleep on the couch for the evening. So now you know. Perhaps you are unhappy in your current place of employment simply because you are a lazy piece like me.
Alrighty! So what is this post about? Public Bathrooms. And a list of things you people need to knock the hell off immediately because a public waste collecting facility is already gross enough in itself without those of you out there that do the below mentioned things. Men some of these aren't as applicable to your restrooms, so sorry. But you will learn things. About women. And their bodily functions. Because guess what? Women poop. If you are above the age of 15, have a penis, and still cant handle hearing that sentence, invite me over to your house and I'll prove it to you. Begin.
1) If we are in a large public bathroom, with 10 + stalls, please don't come sit in the stall directly next to mine unless the bathroom is packed and you have no other option. Yes I'm weird and have phobia about people hearing me tinkle, but really, why do you need to sit in a stall where your feet are dangling less then 2 feet from someone else's feet. You don't. Its weird. I'm sorry if you are lonesome. But its more socially acceptable for you to make awkward conversation with me at the sink, rather than trying to play footsie with me while we are both voiding---that's what people over 75 used to call taking a piss. My grandma still says it and it makes me laugh.
1a) If you are going to go number 2, PLEASE don't sit in the stall directly next to me unless you have no choice. Because I don't want people to think all that noise and odor are coming from my stall. I know it shouldn't matter because you aren't supposed to care what strangers think blahblahblah. Yes I know. But I still care. So please go the the other end of the bathroom.
2) If there is a line for the bathroom, you don't have to talk to everyone around you about how there is a line for the bathroom. I understand we are all in mini-crisis mode because holding your pee can get very uncomfortable, so it feels like we are going through some kind of hardship together and we all get a false sense of immediate intimacy that crises provide, but in reality, we aren't in danger. We are just standing in a line. Waiting to pee. So if you want to talk about something, lets discuss the facts behind global warming or the history of the lower class, or why Wendy's takes away the spicy chicken nuggets just when you get used to ordering them every time and then brings them back out of the blue without even giving you a heads up. All of those things are more interesting then stating the obvious over and over again in various ways.
3) On a related note, drunk chicks, please keep yelling stories to each other across the stalls. Because your stories make my night. And are hilarious. They usually involve men and someone's boyfriend who cheated, or was going to cheat, or who never cheated but should have. Or they involve you telling all 45 women in the restroom how that one guy you gave a BJ to under the table at Champs is here with his new GF and how his new GF is wearing something trashy or hows shes fat or has a horseface. And I sit there voiding and laugh my ass off at your slurred words and hate speak. So thank you. Never change.
4) If you pee on the seat--talking to you drunk chicks--for the love of god wipe the god damn seat off. Its not that difficult. And saves me the trouble of trying not to gag as I have to use an entire roll of TP to try and clean the mess you made before I hover, all while trying not to break the seal as well. Its very stressful. So be courteous and clean up after yourself please.
5) Why do the sinks in public bathrooms always look like those sprinklers they have at grocery stores to keep vegetables wet just went off for the last 5 minutes? I understand the concept of having dripping hands as you make your way to the paper towel machine or air dryer. But you don't need to fill your hands full of water before you walk to the paper towels. You can shake them off in the sink before you move. That's what I do. And you shouldn't be bathing in the sink anyways unless you are homeless, in which case, carry on. Just a little soap and a little water to kill the germs. That's all you need.
6) To all the janitorial staff or maintenance people out there: Stop putting that tiny roll of toilet paper back on top of the new big roll on the holder in the hopes that I will use the rest of it before I start in on the big roll. Because I wont. I just throw it on the floor. Do you know why? Because for every person that thinks "I'm not using that old TP" and then proceeds to grab the new roll out from under the old one, that old baby roll goes flying through the air and lands on the floor of the stall. And then gets picked up and placed back on top of the new roll after the person is done. And that's fucking gross. So I will continue to throw that baby roll to the very back of the stall as long as you keep putting it there in an effort to prevent myself from getting chlamydia from a nasty bathroom floor.
7) You don't need to spin the TP roll like its that Big Wheel at the end of The Price is Right. You don't get points for how many squares you can get on the floor on one roll. Because when you go in there all crazy like and spin the shit out of that thing, the person that uses the stall after you walks in on a roll that is hanging with 43 squares sitting all bunched up on the floor. And then that person, if that person happens to be me, has to roll the TP 25 more squares down, tear it, and then leave a massive wad of TP sitting on the floor. Which is a waste. So knock that shit off. And quiet. The baby roll that I throw to the ground usually only has like 10 squares max on it, so its not that big of a waste.
8) If your toilet didn't flush correctly, please go tell an employee of whatever facility you happen to be at. Don't just skip away merrily without thinking about what you just did to a public space. Because that's really what a public bathroom is. A shared space. I generally don't pop a squat on the slide your children love to use at the park, so if for whatever reason your toilet is malfunctioning, think of others and go report it. You can even lie, and say "hey I walked into this stall and it was gross, can you please send someone to take a look at it?"Because when I really have to pee and rush into a stall only to find a toilet full of god knows what staring back at me, I want to puke all over myself and I shouldn't have to deal with that.
9) I am a foot flusher. Sorry to those of you that get all upset that people would have the audacity to use their shoes-that aren't made of skin-instead of their hands-that are made of skin- to touch something that gets sprayed with potty mist all day and gets cleaned once every 24 hours if we are lucky . How can you not use your shoe? Plus its good exercise. Its not my fault if you cant lift your leg up high enough to flush a toilet. That's all on you sister.
10) Tip the towel lady. Please. Don't use all her free deodorant and body spray and gum and suckers and bobby pins and then walk right past her without blinking an eye because you think you are better than her. You aren't. I fucking promise you that. Don't be a major bitch douche bag. Send a few dolla dolla bills her way and give her a smile. And at the very least, say thank you. Her job involves standing in a public restroom for hours at a time listening to you assholes bitch about how fat you are. Give her a break. Shes a good person.
11) And lastly, only use a public bathroom if you absolutely have to. These aren't places to hang around in, to chit chat, or reapply every bit of make up you own. Don't bring food into a public restroom. Because I will throw up on you. Don't bring books into a public restroom. Because this isn't your home and you shouldn't want to be getting all comfy cozy in here. Don't let your underage son who is too young to go into the men's room alone peek his head under my stall. I have no qualms about kicking him in the face. Your goal in a public restroom should be to get in, do whatever thing you have to do that cant wait until you get home, and then get the hell out as fast as possible.
And I'm spent. You probably are too. That was a long one. If you made it this far, thank you very much & have a wonderful weekend.
~Maria
No comments:
Post a Comment