The 2011 Toyota Highlander Kid is a Major Douche

Morning you crazy sons of bitches. Im pretty fired up today. So lets just dive right in, shall we? We shall.

I'm sure you have seen Toyota's new line of commercials advertising the 2011 Highlander. If you haven't here is an example:

http://broadbandsports.com/node/40410


It's not the actual commercials I have beef with--People still say I have beef, shut your face. Its the fact that Toyota is trying to get grown ass people to buy new cars based on whether or not an 8 year old child thinks you are cool or not. Which is absolutely ridiculous.



I am of the school of thought that believes 100% that children are created for the purpose of being embarrassed by their parents. Sure, you teach them crap, you feed them, you build up their little self esteems, but you also get to embarrass them in front of their friends by dancing to "Thong Song" or wearing Zubas to parent/teacher conferences. You get to do those things because being weird and embarrassing your children is your reward for giving up so much of your own life to care for another human being. You just get to. Its the rules.

So you can understand why this line of commercials showcasing a too cool for school 8 year old with a bomber jacket, skinny jeans, converse sneakers, and super cool mussed up hair telling me that "just because you're a parent, doesn't mean you have to be lame"makes me want to slap the shit out of someone.

So. Here are the things I would say to the 2011 Toyota Highlander Kid if he were a real child, and friends with one of my children--because there is no way in hell I would allow my future kids to become such major dick weeds at the tender age of 8--Begin:

1) What are you wearing? John Mayer called and he wants his look back. You are 8. You are still supposed to be into Spiderman and Pokemons and Transformers. You aren't suppose to care about what you are wearing when you are in 3rd grade. No self respecting 8 year old boy would wear skinny jeans because newsflash, they are uncomfortable as hell. You should be requesting loose fitting clothing so you can climb trees and ride bikes and junk, not, as you currently appear to be dressed for, heading over to an on campus coffee house to discuss vague emo bands and browse on your Ipad.

2) Why don't you realize how lucky you are? You should be thankful your parents love you enough to drive you to school every day instead of making you take the bus like normal kids. Have you ever been on a school bus? They don't even have seat belts. And when the bus driver slams on the breaks, you fly into the seat in front of you which has a giant metal bar in it for some reason. Its not very fun or cool to walk into school with a chipped tooth. Lucky for you, you get to watch fucking cartoons and sit on your climate controlled leather seat every morning and afternoon.

3) Your parents aren't losers. Not all Parents are dorks. Its just that when we were your age different music and trends were cool, and we have a hard time understanding how you can watch The Jonas Brothers for 90 minutes straight without wanting to throw up. Sorry if you don't get us. We don't get you either. But we are trying at least. Do the parents a favor and do the same.

4) Was it really necessary to fold down that seat to throw your backpack in? Answer: No. No it wasn't. You look like an asshole. Knock it off. Your mom is already running late and doesn't have time to deal with your attention seeking behavior.

5) Guess What? No adult actually cares if an 8 year old thinks they are cool or not. We don't. Sorry. Unlike you, we have already been through middle school and high school and are over caring what other people think. Most of us anyway. I can tell you right now, the lamer you think I am, and the more vocal you are about it, the more I am going to embarrass the shit out of you every chance I get. Because really, your attitude needs to be adjusted and me & Cody's father will pick you up from school on a tandem bike in neon bike shorts on the days we drive carpool. It will happen if things don't change. Don't think I wont do it. I already have the bike. Its in the garage next to my 2003 Corolla. I bet that Corollas looking pretty pretty good now isn't it?

6) You are a Douche. Stop it. I'm telling you this because you are still young enough to de-douchify yourself before its too late. Really Highlander kid. You don't have to try so hard all the time. Stop caring so much what people think. Life is a whole lot more fun if you just do and wear and say what makes you happy and not worry about being cool. The coolest people I have ever met are the ones that don't give a crap about being cool. So yeah. Just let your guard down. Relax a little. At least wait until high school to start being such an asshole to your parents. You can get away with it then. But yeah. Hang in there. I know you have it in you to just be yourself. And get a haircut. Because your head is going to be really hot in the summer if you don't.

In conclusion, Toyota, your Ad Campaign has not only made me not want to buy your vehicle, it has also made me hate children. I hope for your sake, that you dont have any more recalls.