Morning People. Hope you had a lovely week. Even if you didnt, it's Friday, so get excited.
3 years ago, my then boyfriend at the time, now husband and I, decided to go looking for a house. We wanted to stay in Minneapolis if at all possible to remain close to our then current jobs. We looked at 34 houses in/around the city. The ones in our price range all sucked. Most of them were built in 1927 and had pink tiled bathrooms, and wood paneled basement that made me think of a place child molesters probably live. After being repeatedly disappointed, we decided to expand our search to nearby suburbs. We ended up settling in Shoreview, and our life has never been the same. Dont get me wrong, I love being able to leave my purse and GPS unit in plain sight in my vehicle without being absolutely certain I will be returning to a smash car window. I also love all the trails and parks and things that my tax dollars go to towards making Shoreview a nice place to live. But you dont read this blog to hear me say nice things about stuff. So here we go, top 5 reasons suburbs blow:
1) If you are under 40, and answer the door, people assume you are still in high school: Every time we get solicited for new siding or a water heater, or lawn care, both my husband and I are asked "Hi there are your parents home?" Now neither of us may look our respective ages of 26, but really, 18? Do I honestly look like Im about to be a freshman in college? No. No I do not. I have wrinkles. I have a bit of tummy pudge. I have 2 silver hairs--I say silver it makes it sound cooler--that I pluck out of my head every 3 months. So does my husband. We do not look like high schoolers. Also, when I answer the door with a bottle of vodka in one hand, and a twinkie in the other, I think its a safe to assume that we are the ones running the household.
2) If your lawn isnt perfect, your neighbors will hate you: We live in a neighborhood of stay at home moms and retirees. These types of lifestyles allow for endless hours of yard grooming and pondering the difference between Scott's seed brand and Ace High Lawn Fertilizer. I dont have that kind of time. And if I did, I promise you it wouldnt be spent making sure my lawn is cut exactly 2 3/4 inches high. We mow our lawn about once every 3 weeks. Once it goes to seed, we look at each other and say, yeah, its about time to bust out the mower.
2a) If you are a carrier of the dreaded dandelion spore you are the devil: And we have dandelions. Sorry, we do. We sprayed like 4 times, but the asshole to the right of us doesnt give a shit about his yard either and his spores keep blowing into our yard, making us look bad, so we said fuck it, we will just be 'that guy' and bring down the value of the neighborhood exponentially by the number of yellow blossoms visible within our property line.
3) Loud Music, and Fun in general is looked down upon: Unless you are listening to Cool 108, or Radio Disney, your neighbors will think you are trash. My husband and I consistently blare very ghetto rap and hip hop music over our speakers--we even have one of those ridiculous bass amps--at all hours of the day. This usually occurs most frequently on Saturday mornings. Look, sometimes "My Chick Bad" is the only thing I want to hear at that point in time. And I want to hear it loud, and I want the bass to be so sick that it knocks pictures off my wall. Get over it. We bought this house, we do what we want.
4) There aren't any fast food restaurants within an 8 mile radius of our neighborhood: Why is this? To be frank, because fast food and public transportation bring in the riff raff and suburbs dont want that. So by forcing me to drive 25 minutes to get to a damn cheese burger, they can ensure that the undesirables aka the poor, are kept safely away in their cities. Also, where can I get some good sushi, or Thai food, or genuine Mexican cuisine? Not here!! Diversity is scary, never forget it.
5) Watch your language, my kids are outside: I swear a lot. I dont know what else to say. A few of my neighbors swear too, but most dont. And in the summer, Im going to have my windows open. And inevitably, you are going to hear me saying "what the fuck?" "or "no fucking way" and "holy shit!!" when you are in your yard pulling the dandelions that are growing on your fence line after having blown over from my yard. Im sorry. I really am. If I hear your kids outside screaming and shrieking at nothing, I will make a conscience effort to choose my words more fucking carefully.
So why am I still here if I hate it so much? I dont hate suburbs themselves, I hate the idea of them. The reason the city kicks ass is because people expect you to have loud music and weird food that smells funny and not perfect lawn furniture and to hear curse words on occasion. Why? Because thats real life. The burbs are all about perfecting and presenting a certain image. But homie dont play that way. Im thinking of putting a sign in our yard: "Welcome to the Quinns: making you uncomfortable and forcing you to think outside the box since 2007. Holler"
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LOVE IT!!!!!
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