Im sorry Andrea H...aka...Why the only channels I can stand to watch all have the word Channel in them.

First things first. I made the mistake of telling my lifelong cabin acquaintance and recent FB friend Andrea, that I would have a new post on here by last Wednesday. I lied. Thats all there is to it. So I wanted to start this new post by saying, Im sorry for lying Andrea, and thank you for your readership. Also, you have nice boobies.

Many of you might not know that I have issues with watching television. There are certain types of shows and commercials that make me so upset I have to immediately change the channel. I literally get physically uncomfortable. Sometimes when my husband is feeling extra douchy, he will hide the remote and force me to watch a few minutes of one of these, and laugh as I spas out and eventually get up and walk away. Example: 'Are you smarter than a 5th grade'. I absolutely positively fucking hate this show. It is a worthless piece of tv writing and Im convinced that even watching 30 seconds of it actually kills more brain cells than mainlining a weeks worth of heroine. Why?
1)Jeff Foxworthy, while Im sure a decent human being, is not funny in any way. I think the world needed only 5-7 minutes of redneck jokes before that bit got old. He should have got away from the game while he was still ahead.
2) The kids are actors, and not even good ones at that. It even says that at the beginning of the show in small small writing on the bottom of your screen. I bet you didnt know that. Put down your tub of Easy Mac for 15 seconds and look for it next time.
2a) Who the hell are the parents of these child actors that allow them to be on a show where they get paid to lie? Insanity.
3) The questions are really hard, and Im certain a 5th grader of normal intelligence picked off the street wouldnt be able to answer 75% of those questions correctly. Especially the ones that arent multiple choice! Give me a break. Now I know I went to a Catholic school where our Math teacher was actually a gym teacher who made us watch movies about Ham radio and insisted it had to do with pre-algebra....Im serious....but Im fairly certain the other 5th graders in decent school werent learning about Quadratic Equations. This entire show is a joke. HOW CAN YOU STAND IT???

Other examples: Cant watch any part of any reality show where the host awkwardly talks to one of the contestants in an attempt to fill air time. Jeopardy is probably the best example of this. That 5-10 minute segment in between new boards is excruciating to me. Why?
1) The host is always a huge douche during this part. Trebek, Seacrest, Brooke Burke, they all have to let the contestants know that they are the ones who are actually famous, and that the contestants are just your average schlub who got lucky and ended up on tv for 45 minutes. Trebek: "Its says here Susan that you love to Garden on the weekends" Susan: "Oh yes, in fact...blahblahblah boringboringboring...uninteresting garbage that is making me look like an idiot on national tv" Trebek: "Thats lovely. When Im in my villa in Tuscany I also like to putter around the yard from time to time" Thanks Alex. We already know that you are rich and famous. Thanks for making this lady's already uninteresting story even lamer..jackass.
2) The contestants never say anything witty or interesting or cool. If you know you are going to be on tv. Please. For my sake, practice what story you are going to talk about when asked. Pick something cool. Make it up!! No one has to know! Your friends wont care if you lie, because, hey, you got on tv! Please dont talk about the time your cat got its sweater caught in your sliding glass door. It literally makes me want to die.

And finally, commercials. My all time, most hated, cringe worthy commercials, all come from the same place: Olive Garden. They are terrible. Just terrible. Every single actor in those commercials acts like they are the god damn smartest person on the face of the earth for thinking of going to Olive Garden for lunch/dinner. They all laugh at inappropriate times, just like the doctor on the Simpsons. Someone also always makes a really lame joke that everyone at the table wets themselves over, and then gets the waitress in on too. Now, have any of you ever had an experience like that at the Olive Garden? No. No you have not. Its not funny, its not clever, its not carefree and super fun. Its Olive Garden. You go there for sub par American pasta and unlimited salad and bread sticks. Thats it. Thats why you are there. No other reason. And god help me, if Olive Garden tells me one more time that they actually send their chefs to Italy for training, Im blowing up the tv.

In conclusion, I have learned in order to keep my blood pressure at a reasonable level, I can only watch stations that have the word channel in them. Discovery channel. Science channel. History channel. Planet green...channel. Damn it. That one doesnt work. But really, do yourselves a favor, and if you must watch tv--instead of going outside and actually experiencing life for yourself--put something on that will actually teach you something in the long run. Thank you.