If you are under 23 or over 45 and have a vagina, you should be forced to take public transportation AKA: A Beginners Guide to Road Rage

I will begin by stating, for the record, I am a complete ageist....and sexist... when it comes to driving. I will also say, I really do love being a woman,and think women are great and wonderful and super cool and junk. Girl Power and such. But, I honestly believe that most women of a certain age *see title* should only be allowed to operate a motor vehicle on days when Im not planning on going anywhere.

Merging. Is really not that difficult. Granted--living in MN, where the civil engineers were high on meth when they came up with the concept of putting On ramps before Exit ramps does make mastering this task more complicated--it shouldnt take you more than 2-3 years to learn how to do this properly. You should be going the speed that the rest of the cars on the freeway are going by the time you hit the bottom of the On ramp. You should not be going 25 mph. If you are,and I happen to be the lucky car also trying to gain access to the freeway behind you, you should know that I will be passing you on the shoulder because that is still safer than your lame ass attempt at driving.

Freeways. If you are afraid of them, dont take them. Yes they can be scary sometimes. But generally, the only reason they feel scary is because you dont feel like you have complete control over you vehicle, in which case, I would prefer it if you would stick to only driving around in your cul-de-sac anyways.

Speed limits. Are for suckers. When Im stuck behind you and you are going 37 mph in a 55 mph zone, all thats running through my head is 'Move Bitch get out the way', while I slowly go into cardiac arrest. If you actually accelerate up to the posted speed limit, I promise to remove my car's front bumper from your back one.
*Side Note* Its way easier to tailgate women than men because they very rarely retaliate. Instead they just get flustered and when you are finally able to pass them, start out by glaring. Once eye contact is sustained for more than 3 seconds, they usually get scared and pretend to change the radio station. This is the thing: if Im tailgating you, I know Im doing it. Your angry face wont make me suddenly repent or feel ashamed. If you are pissed at me for violating your car's space, you freaking flip me off. Stand your ground woman!! I will respect you more if you do. *Side Note* I was 100% certain the term was "Flick off" for the first 24 years of my life until my husband heard me say it wrong, and mocked me until I cried. Fail.

Men on the other hand, are a sneaky sneaky breed, and if you plan on tailgating one, you better have your wits about you and be ready to stomp on the breaks at any moment. I once tailgated a man for 5 miles in a 40 mph zone. He was going 35. Not terrible, but honestly, if you are dude, I expect you to be going at least 10 mph over at any given time. Come on. I think about every 30 feet he stomped on his breaks. But I was too clever for him, and didnt come close to hitting his tiny red truck even once. haha. Point Maria.

Doing other things while driving: This is a weird one because women are supposedly better at multitasking than men are. In my experience, if I see a young lass driving while intexticated as FOX 9 so douchily coined it, I will literally speed up or slow down to ensure I get the mother F away from her. Now I pretty much do everything from eating spaghetti & meatballs while driving--thats for real, happened last weekend--to trying to change my clothes while driving, but even I dont text while driving. Its just stupid. Can what you have to say really not wait 15 minutes? It can. Or, pull over. Nothing freaks random people out more than creepily pulling over in front of their house while they are out in the yard and doing what looks to them like staring at your crotch for 5 minutes.

And finally, Parking. I will begin by saying, I suck at parallel parking. That way the one actual friend I have who reads this cant say Im being a hypocrite. Im convinced it has to do with the fact that I have to sit on a phone book to reach the pedals, and that in turn affects my curbside depth perception. That being said, I fucking rock at 90 degree back up, and just driving in reverse in general. My beef comes from just simple, everyday, grocery store parking. If it takes you 17 attempts to get into a spot at Rainbow, and I have to sit there and watch you Austin Powers the shit out of your car, while Im trying to run in quick and grab 10 Totino's Pizza for 10 dollars before they run out and all that's left is the icky Mexican flavor, I might be forced to curb stomp you once you finally get that thing in park.


Sigh. And now you know why I have no friends. There's just too much anger in here. To sum up, women, please stop sucking at driving. Being this rageful is exhausting and is taking years off my life. Thank you.