What your Facebook page tells me about you

Most people do not realize the implications of what they post on social networking sites. A simple profile pic or "About Me" section can summarize whether or not I would actually want to talk to you if we saw each other in person. I can even judge your level of douche-baggery just by reading your status update. Impressive? Yes. Facebook is supposed to be about keeping in contact with your friends, but the people who I am closest to are the ones whose profiles I visit the least. FB, is, in essence, a polite, legal way to stalk people that may or may not know you exist. Because of that, it is wise to think twice about what it is you are putting out there for people that dont know you, to see. Here are a few rules I have come up with.

1)If you use any of the following symbols more than once in any sentence, status update, or wall post-- !!!!!, :), :-D, LOL, OMG-- you better have either just won the lottery or are being held at gun point by terrorists for ransom. There is no reason to get overly excited about anything you write on FB. Really. If it's that exciting, pick up a damn phone.

2)Please. Stop putting up albums full of pics that are you by yourself, holding the camera to take a pic of yourself. One or two pics, ok fine. An album with 73 pictures of you taken in the mirror...alone-not ok. These albums are terribly depressing, and ruin my day. You either think you are incredibly attractive, or have no social life. Either way your desperation for attention makes me cry. Stop it.

3)Do not use the status update for anything other than a brief explanation of your current activities, or a place to post links, quotations, or song lyrics. Jennifer Simonson is: "So freaking mad right now!!!...." Really Jennifer? Guess what. Im going to make you even more mad by not asking you why you are mad. Do you know why? Because I dont care.

4)Vague descriptions that dont make sense to anyone but you / leaving your FB page blank doesn't make you seem cooler than the rest of us. You joined FB. You are already on the bandwagon. Stop pretending like you havent spent 3 hours looking through all the albums of the dude that sat behind you in Spanish 3 years ago. You know it. He knows it. We all know it.

5)Very personal information makes other uncomfortable. Perhaps invest in a journal. Im sorry for your loss, but I dont want to read about the details of your parent's divorce via a FB note. I do want to see drunk pics of you over spring break dancing on a bar or throwing up in a garbage. This is what FB is truly for.

6) Being 'In a Relationship' with a member of the same sex if you aren't really gay, is soooo 3 years ago.

7) Please dont post anything political. Unless you majored in political science or were actively involved in some kind of campaign within the last 2 years, I promise you, people will be making fun of whatever garbage is coming out of your mouth via your FB page. You sound like a moron.

8) No I dont want to join Mafia Wars.

9) Always be mindful not to mention in conversation any information you know about a person solely because you read it / saw a pic of it on Facebook. "So your grandma is Italian and tans really easily right?" Someone asked me that once. I was meeting them in person for the second time. Awkward.

10)Above all, remember that FB is not real. To maintain real, meaningful relationships, one must be successful at face to face interactions. Dont worry. You still have time.