It's been a while! And Im back by popular demand....and by popular demand I mean 1 person asked me 3 weeks ago "Hey didn't you used to have a Blog or something?" Fail.
Anyways, Ive been thinking and I realized that I have an unnatural tendency to want to do things that are either very stupid, or that could kill me..or both. For example, probably 75% of the time Im riding shotgun in a car on the freeway, I get this intense urge to slam the car into reverse. Like, I have to tell myself several times in a row, "Dont be a f-ing moron, nothing good can come of this." OR "This isnt your car. You dont want to be responsible for killing the driver" AND " Get your hand away from the shifter thingy". Now, I dont know very much about cars(see: 'shifter thingy' paragraph 2, line 7), but I can assume that if one were to force a car going 65 mph into reverse suddenly and without slowing down, Im fairly certain the car automatically explodes. Its science. See thats the fucked up thing. I know it is dangerous and stupid. But I cant help it.
Another one. Pull up next to a cop at a stoplight,I want to gun it off the line. As soon as that baby turns green, Im stomping on the gas and blowing this A hole out of the water. Why?? Do I like giving dolla dolla bills to the city of Minneapolis? No not really. I dont know why. It just happens. 99% of the time I end up turning down my music and using my peripheral vision to see if he is staring back at me thinking Im trouble for coming up to a stop light blaring "Ice Cream Paint Job" out of my salvaged Corolla. Cuz Im so Hoooooood.
More non-vehicle related ones I want to do: Leaning way too far out over the railing of a balcony, knocking someone off of their bicycle as they ride past, jumping on a really tall stranger's back just to see if I can jump that high, yelling 'Bomb' on a plane, feeding Alka-Seltzer to a Seagull--dont act like you have never wanted to do this just to see if it works. You have. Stop lying to yourself. Its unhealthy--unplugging someone's video game right before they get to the final fight scene and havent saved yet, giving a baby a lemon.
So most of these are just mean. I dont know what that means. It could be because, as an only child, I didnt ever get to experience picking on a sibling, and instead was forced to pretend I was a dog to entertain myself, and drank out of a bowl on the floor. Sigh. I do know, I haven't ever actually done any of these things, but that fact doesnt seem to make me want to do them any less.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
If you take yourself too seriously, you should know Im laughing at you.
We all do embarrassing things. Say dumb shit. Leave the house with toothpaste on our shirts or talk to someone for 45 minutes and then once we get home realize we had a huge f-ing piece of food in our teeth, and no one said anything.
Guess what? I pick my nose. I do. So what? Everyone does.
There are people out there who think the sun shines out of their assholes. These are the people that will take 57 pictures with you deleting one after one after one until they feel like look acceptable. But really, what the hell does the ability to take a perfect picture really mean? (I said really twice in 1 sentence, ish.) Others manifest this philosophy by taking every opportunity to look at themselves in window reflections, side view mirrors,the reflection in your sunglasses, puddles, bowls of soup, Christmas ornaments, you get the drift. I do think most sentient beings have a natural urge to look at their own reflections-i.e.dolphins, chimps, Lindsey Lohan, BUT! The key is to overcome the urge to do this in lieu of more rewarding experiences.
Some take their intellects too seriously instead of looks....usually ugly people, but that is neither here nor there. They have read more books than you, have been to better restaurants, written better papers, gotten higher grades on tests, have a better knowledge of what constitutes good wine--on this subject I will say I drank Boones Farm until Junior year of college, and think its both delicious and reasonably priced--visited more countries, know more important people, blah blah blah. They, much like the 'I-am-the-hottest-piece-of-ass-this-side-of-the-Mason Dixon Line' people, need to feel validated through non important facets of being. Part of this isnt their fault, as we have been conditioned to think things such as clothing labels, BMIs, number of degrees, and such are what constitutes being a successful member of the human race.
And its hard, really hard to realize that these things dont matter. And you can realize it and forget it a thousand times a day, and still never have it down completely. The important thing is that you keep remembering. Its ok to look silly. Its ok to say stupid shit. Its ok to admit you think Burger King Chicken Fries taste good. That you dont mind leaving the house unshowered in crappy sweatpants and tennis shoes from 7th grade. My fiance does this every weekend. He is a successful mechanical engineer and he works with important people in his company. He just doesnt give a shit if you think he looks stupid in dirty sweats when he runs into you at a restaurant or at Home Depot. Thats what Im talking about.
So you should know, if you take yourself too seriously, I do laugh at you. So knock it off. I promise it will make you feel better.
Guess what? I pick my nose. I do. So what? Everyone does.
There are people out there who think the sun shines out of their assholes. These are the people that will take 57 pictures with you deleting one after one after one until they feel like look acceptable. But really, what the hell does the ability to take a perfect picture really mean? (I said really twice in 1 sentence, ish.) Others manifest this philosophy by taking every opportunity to look at themselves in window reflections, side view mirrors,the reflection in your sunglasses, puddles, bowls of soup, Christmas ornaments, you get the drift. I do think most sentient beings have a natural urge to look at their own reflections-i.e.dolphins, chimps, Lindsey Lohan, BUT! The key is to overcome the urge to do this in lieu of more rewarding experiences.
Some take their intellects too seriously instead of looks....usually ugly people, but that is neither here nor there. They have read more books than you, have been to better restaurants, written better papers, gotten higher grades on tests, have a better knowledge of what constitutes good wine--on this subject I will say I drank Boones Farm until Junior year of college, and think its both delicious and reasonably priced--visited more countries, know more important people, blah blah blah. They, much like the 'I-am-the-hottest-piece-of-ass-this-side-of-the-Mason Dixon Line' people, need to feel validated through non important facets of being. Part of this isnt their fault, as we have been conditioned to think things such as clothing labels, BMIs, number of degrees, and such are what constitutes being a successful member of the human race.
And its hard, really hard to realize that these things dont matter. And you can realize it and forget it a thousand times a day, and still never have it down completely. The important thing is that you keep remembering. Its ok to look silly. Its ok to say stupid shit. Its ok to admit you think Burger King Chicken Fries taste good. That you dont mind leaving the house unshowered in crappy sweatpants and tennis shoes from 7th grade. My fiance does this every weekend. He is a successful mechanical engineer and he works with important people in his company. He just doesnt give a shit if you think he looks stupid in dirty sweats when he runs into you at a restaurant or at Home Depot. Thats what Im talking about.
So you should know, if you take yourself too seriously, I do laugh at you. So knock it off. I promise it will make you feel better.
Monday, December 14, 2009
2012 and Beyond
2012. So did you see the movie? It was pretty ridiculous, while entertaining all at the same time. A lot like watching "Jersey Shore" (another one of MTVs televisual abortions-I took that from Stewie on Family Guy I cant take credit). Sidebar: that show makes all Italians look like complete f-ing douches. I can tell you that we dont all have stock in spray tanner and hair gel, some of us do know how to read beyond a 3rd grade level, and not all of us flash our vaginas at random people in bars on national television for the sake of...nothing. I will say though, the Italian shirts/tanks they all wear are super ca-ute. End sidebar.
So 2012. Things are supposed to happen. If you know the real me at all, you know Im a conspiracy theorist. To sum up my beliefs: JFK was murdered, our government had a hand in and/or at least knew about 9/11, UFOs are real,(vampires are not-Team Jacob), selling your gold is stupid because the dollar is going to lose all value and all you will be left with are piles of worthless paper, religion is a tool used to control you, the evening news is bullshit, there is no way we built the pyramids,if Jesus was real, and he were around today, I promise you he would be f-ing pissed, Velveeta cheese has to be 100% made of chemicals, but is still so delicious, annnnnd finally, Shit is going to go down in and around 2012. Its science. Im not taking about what you saw in that movie. Im taking about major political, economic, and financial changes for all of us. Im not an expert in any of those fields, and I dont claim to be. Im also not a Doomsday obsessor standing on your street corner with a sign stating "The End is Near".
All Im saying is, things are going to start getting worse than they already are, one way or another, and you should take 5 seconds of your time to think about what you are planning on doing when it goes down. Now that I have lost all 3 of my followers, and you decided I am a supreme douche, I want you to remember this: when you run out of food & are freezing to death because there is no electricity and you dont know how to make a fire, I will gladly share some of my Vegetable Soup & blankets with you....and I wont even smile when you look down into your bowl of soup and you see 'I told you so" floating back up at you amidst the carrots and peas. To sum up this Post in 4 words: TAKE TIME TO THINK. Thats it. Peace out. Im going to watch South Park while I still can.
So 2012. Things are supposed to happen. If you know the real me at all, you know Im a conspiracy theorist. To sum up my beliefs: JFK was murdered, our government had a hand in and/or at least knew about 9/11, UFOs are real,(vampires are not-Team Jacob), selling your gold is stupid because the dollar is going to lose all value and all you will be left with are piles of worthless paper, religion is a tool used to control you, the evening news is bullshit, there is no way we built the pyramids,if Jesus was real, and he were around today, I promise you he would be f-ing pissed, Velveeta cheese has to be 100% made of chemicals, but is still so delicious, annnnnd finally, Shit is going to go down in and around 2012. Its science. Im not taking about what you saw in that movie. Im taking about major political, economic, and financial changes for all of us. Im not an expert in any of those fields, and I dont claim to be. Im also not a Doomsday obsessor standing on your street corner with a sign stating "The End is Near".
All Im saying is, things are going to start getting worse than they already are, one way or another, and you should take 5 seconds of your time to think about what you are planning on doing when it goes down. Now that I have lost all 3 of my followers, and you decided I am a supreme douche, I want you to remember this: when you run out of food & are freezing to death because there is no electricity and you dont know how to make a fire, I will gladly share some of my Vegetable Soup & blankets with you....and I wont even smile when you look down into your bowl of soup and you see 'I told you so" floating back up at you amidst the carrots and peas. To sum up this Post in 4 words: TAKE TIME TO THINK. Thats it. Peace out. Im going to watch South Park while I still can.
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