Being stuck inside for several months has awarded me a rare opportunity to watch a lot of shitty television. And because we dont have cable because wed rather get that free ish via roof antenna, I dont even have the option to sedate my brain function with award winning programming involving the Kardashians or tiny girl children with fake teeth and spray tans.
With all this TV watching, Ive noticed that cartoons nowadays are virtually nonexistent. Turn on regular tv on a Saturday morning and you will be absolutely horrified. I searched in vain to find something that 7-12 year old me would be even remotely interested in watching, and I am sorry to say, there was nothing. Im guessing that the major networks all figure that 1) everyone besides the Amish (pronounced with a long A as in Ape) has cable and 2) they cant compete with Disney channel and nickelodeon and mtvspringbreakjockjams2013. But what about my poor kids or my children of granola moms that arent allowed the vices of a cable box? What about them?? Wont someone remember them???
I remember you tiny suffers of basic programming. I got chu Boos. Because really, its bullshit that this is what is available to you:
The Doodlebops CBS 7AM-8AM-One hour of people dressed in weird semi-human/whoville-ish looking costumes. Nonstop singing and discussion of their 'rockband'. These people terrify me and Im almost 30. If the producers of this show are gearing this towards anyone but infants, they are kidding themselves. No self respecting 3 year old could handle this crap.
Busytown Mysteries--CBS 8AM-9AM-Based off those books by Richard Scary that were like Wheres Waldo but it was animals and the main character was that cat named Huckle and his best friend was a giant worm that dressed like he was auditioning for a Ricola commercial. ----->Basically they run around and try and figure out who ate some one's pie or who forgot to return an overdue library book. I have an idea, lets rename it Nonadventures in Snoozeville because once again, there is like nothing happening here.
Liberty's Kids CBS 10AM-11AM-This is a cartoon where 3 kids and 1 freed slave hang out with Ben Franklin and live through all of the historical events occurring in American from 1773 to 1789.....Im not lying. Contain your excitement. One is from France, one is from England, and one is American, but his house burned down due to lightening--the writers think the are hilarious apparently. Im supposed to just accept that 3 kids--2 that are refugees-- without parents could just hang out with Ben F whenever they wanted? According to the history Ive read, Ben was a dirtybird. I doubt he'd want these 3 kids around messing up his game. Im not really sure what goes on in this show because Ive only been able to stand like 4 min before I stab myself in the eye with a pencil. Awful. Just awful.
My childhood is filled with memories of Gummi Bears, Ghostbusters, Ninja Turtles, David the Gnome, Muppet Babies, Pee Wee's Playhouse, Beetlejuice, Garfield and Friends, and that show on Nickelodeon about the Koalas that had telepathy that no one ever knows what the hell Im talking about besides Madrad.
I feel like there is something wrong with a world that doesnt offer decent cartoon options on basic weekend programming. Saturday mornings were so awesome--waking up early to watch cartoons for a few hours while eating cereal or toaster strudel or eggos, and then knowing that after that last show was done, I had the rest of the day to play outside until my mom yelled at me to come eat dinner. You cant compete with that kind of freedom. Now its 3 hours of crap tv, followed by a you better hope your parent scheduled you a playdate or youre jumping Skip It alone in the driveway until you smash that 75 lb bastard against your left anklebone and you realize this toy is bullshit.
Like most of the world's problems, I dont really have a solution to this situation. I think its just something I have to accept as I get older. The world changes, and its doing so faster than ever, and Im old enough to realize that I was part of one of the last generations that were lucky enough to be allowed to just be kids. And a huge part of that, for me anyway, was quality Saturday morning cartoon programming.
So Rest In Peace all you wonderful magical creatures that made my weekends growing up the shit. I will never stop looking for tiny red pointed hats when Im in the woods or pretending that white grape juice is actually gummy berry juice.
Have a nice weekend folks
~Maria
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