Confessions of a Fat Kid

Oh hey there everyone. I trust this day finds you in splendid health. I decided today was as good as day as any to write, mainly because I woke myself from a dream in which I had driven my car off a cloverleaf only to know without a shred of doubt that I had to get out of bed and go get some mother fucking donuts pronto. Like, there's no messing with this shit, I must get up and attempt to find a donut shop somewhere within a 50 mile radius of my home. If you think I wouldn't drive 50 miles for food, you sir, or madam are sorely mistaken. And thus brings us to the crux of the matter. I am a self proclaimed fat kid. Which is not the same thing as a foodie. Lets learn something today, shall we?

This is a fat kid: Notice the multiple options of shitty food present, the fact they are all in large quantities, and how there is no one else in the room but Shilo here. Its also important to note that Shilo has in fact eaten himself into a diabetic coma. But don't worry after a few hours of dreamless sleep, he will wake up feeling refreshed and ready to start eating again.

This is what constitutes a fat kid, among other things. Fat kids can be any age,  race, socioeconomic status or gender. And they don't even have to be physically fat. They just have to love the treats more than most other things on earth, and maintain a blatant disregard for being able to distinguish good food from bad food.


Steve and Cheryl here, on the other hand, are foodies:

Foodies are what some fat kids morph  into as they age. Its important to remember that not all fat kids become foodies, but all foodies were once fat kids. Foodies are generally middle-upper class, and enjoy spending their free time browsing various restaurants that other high brow coworkers or neighbors recommend. Foodies also posses the all consuming treats-lust that fat kids do, but because it is veiled in a cloak of snobbery, it is much more socially acceptable way to cram large amounts of calories down your gullet in one sitting. Foodies have also developed the illusive "ability to share" mechanism that most fat kids are unable to access, as seen in the photo above. Foodies can discern good food from bad food, and because of this, will refuse to eat in certain dining establishments, mainly ones that poor people like going to. Here are some places that true Foodies would never go to:

Whitecastle. Applebees. McDonalds. Taco Bell. Perkins. IHop. Sonic. TGIFridays.


Now that we got that all cleared up, you may be wondering what category you fall into. Ive come up with a list to help you discern what side of the line you fall on. As I am a fat kid, I can only give you the definitive facts that make me what I am, and thus am unable to tell you more about Foodies other than what Ive already shared.

So: HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A FAT KID


1) You think about what you are going to eat next, while you are already eating
 I do this. And its embarrassing. Most of the shit fat kids do is embarrassing, but shame doesn't  seem to be a big enough deterrent to sating the food-lust.  I will literally be eating a meal, and thinking about how I want to eat Annie's Mac and Cheese or Chipotle steak tacos, or something from Big Bowl at some point later in the day. I think this mostly occurs when I'm eating something not super tasty. Much like fantasizing about someone besides your current life partner while having sex, I fantasize about eating something more appealing while eating the horrible excuse for a burrito from my work cafeteria.

2) You get food anxiety when at a place where a set amount of food must be shared between a large amount of people
I used to work at an office where we would get free lunch catered in on a fairly regular basis. And I'm not talking free generic subs from grubway. I'm talking the good shit: Chipotle, Panera, some fancy Mexican restaurant that I cant remember the name of, but that had killer cheese enchiladas . And because I would get so nervous that by the time I was allowed to get food at 12:30, all of the good shit would be gone, I used to sneak out and go get a giant plate of food, which would then sit on my desk until break time, getting cold. For fat kids, a large amount of  delicious cold food is better than a normal amount of warm, mediocre food.

3) You have specific food rituals you adhere to, and if one of these rituals are disrupted, you freak the fuck out.
For example, I do not eat fast food or carry out food in the car unless I'm on a road trip. Why? Because if I start causally munching on fries one by one while driving back to my destination, by the time I get there, there will only be like half the fries left, which is unacceptable and just makes me disappointed. I need to have a large amount of food when I finally sit down to eat, as well as a great variety. If I'm forced to eat my spicy chicken fingers or quesadilla burger  by itself, I get real ornery and tend to lash out at others around me.

4) Which brings us to our next point: If your food is messed up, you become full of rage
My husband can vouch for this. I get ragefully angry if something I was really excited to eat is messed up in some way. This doesn't mean I freak out at whoever messed up the food. It just means whoever is around me gets to listen to me bitch about it for the next 5 minutes. A constant stream of expletives, insults and spit issues forth from my mouth until I have tired myself out. Its like going through the five stages of grief only there's just two, and they're called murderous rage and begrudging acceptance.

5) Eating something delicious or that you have been craving makes you so happy you could cry
God this is so embarrassing. I have been brought close to tears before from delicious food. I'm not even kidding. You cry when you see your child correctly recite a Shel Silverstein poem at the school talent show. I cry when I eat the Benihana Triple after not having it for a few months. Hater why you hate?

By now you have probably already made a decision on whether or not you are a fat kid, a foodie, or you are one of those elusive people that doesn't use food as an emotional backboard in the game of life. Either way, make sure not to judge whatever category you don't fall into. Some of us just really really love the treats--shout out Madrad--and that's ok. Don't be ashamed for liking food that tastes good, even if its not the best for you. Just make sure you take breaks from eating the deliciousness to cram in an apple or some green beans or chug down some V8 juice every once in a while.

Have a splendid weekend.

Love Forever,

Fatty Mcfatterton....aka Maria