Night of the Twisters

Well hey there. I hope this day finds you in good health and spirits. I'm sure you've noticed that I now have Ads on my blog. I said I would never do this, but I finally said what the hell, why not. Before you get all in a tizzy about me selling out or some other ridiculous concept, I would like you to know, that to date, these Ads have procured for me exactly 13 cents, American. I can't even buy a jolly rancher with that amount of money. So I guess I'll just keep my day job then. My dream of being able to do this for a living will have to be squashed back down way deep in my psyche right next to my dream of owning a dragon, and my dream of becoming a Victoria Secret model.

So 2 nights ago there was this outbreak of tornadoes in the Southern United States. Around 250 people died in 5 states, which is a pretty big deal. **Side Note** I understand that tsunamis and earthquakes kill thousands, but tornadoes generally don't have such a large death tolls associated with them, so just settle down already. 

These storms reminded me that as a child, I was pretty much obsessed with severe weather and monitoring and documenting severe weather. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that my mom and grandma were OCD anxiety about storms, which in turn got my little 9 year old self all hyped up whenever a thunderstorm was brewing since it meant that we would be hiding in the basement with a flashlight and a radio on a friday night instead of watching TGIF,which for some reason was fun for me.



I remember taking a step ladder and climbing up on the roof several times--we lived in a 3 bedroom rambler, straight ballin--once I heard that severe weather was headed our way. I would bring a pair of shitty binoculars and sit there until my mom screamed at me to get off the roof, and get in the basement. I was absolutely convinced I was going to spot the tornado before anyone, and it would be just like in Twister were I would tie myself to some underground pipes and be able to ride the tornado and look up into its beautiful center without being filleted by the thousands of tree branches and nails and cars and shingles moving at hundreds of miles per hour.

But I never saw one tornado. Not even a funnel cloud, although according to my Tornado Journal--I know I know don't say anything--I recorded seeing things that resembled funnel clouds, that I assumed would eventually turn into funnel clouds, which would then turn into a tornado that I would be able to observe safely from the roof of my home. Never mind that I saw all of these almost funnel clouds directly over my own house. 9 year olds don't really have the capacity to see big picture, so just give me a break. 

Then, everything changed. On a completely normal day, I did a completely normal thing. I went to the library and checked out a book. The book I checked out was called "Night of the Twisters" and me being a Future Storm Chaser of Tomorrow, I checked it out with confidence and ease, knowing that it was going to be kick ass and get me even more pumped up for this summer's roof episodes. I was mistaken.

At 27 years of age, I can finally say what needs to be said: This book should be in the adult section. It should be restricted to children over the age of 25. It should not be in the Children's section of any library or bookstore. This book is terrifying. Look at the cover for Gods sakes:

But because I'm a hardass, I proceeded to the checkout desk with book in hand, a cocky swagger in my step, trying to prove to everyone within a 5 foot radius that I am not in fact, scared of this book. Pssssh. I sit on my roof during storms. I have a Tornado Journal. Do you know who I am? I'm Maria mother fuckers. I read books 100 times worse than this every day. Internally, I'm trying my hardest to cover up this book with the 3 other Goosebumps novels I'm also checking out, since the cover really is starting to scare the shit out me. I mean, where are his parents??? Why is he holding that baby?? Doesn't he see that other tornado coming towards him?? But really....where are all the adults??

I'll give you a little taste of what is in store for you if you decide you are brave enough to tackle this monster:

"When a tornado watch is issued one Tuesday evening in June, twelve-year-old Dan Hatch and his best friend, Arthur, don't think much of it. After all, tornado warnings are a way of life during the summer in Grand Island, Nebraska. But soon enough, the wind begins to howl, and the lights and telephone stop working. Then the emergency siren starts to wail. Dan, his baby brother, and Arthur have only seconds to get to the basement before the monstrous twister is on top of them. Little do they know that even if they do survive the storm, their ordeal will have only just begun. . . . "

So yeah. I read the book. In like 2 days. Because it was so horrifying I couldn't put it down. And it scarred me for life. FOR LIFE. Because of this book, even as an adult, I force my dog and husband to stop whatever they are doing and go downstairs to sit in our pseudo-basement when tornado sirens go off, which he hates and tells me I'm crazy for making them do, but then I remind them both that I will only get more hysterical if they don't do as I say, so its really for the best if they just shut the fuck up and get downstairs. **Side Note** When I get hysterical, I often blow a gasket and all matter of unpleasantries issue forth from my lips like water breaking a dam. 

Because of this book, the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is look at the radar on my phone. Because of this book, I often find myself glancing into the skies for no apparent reason.

Because of this book, I have turned into my mother, which is a battle I continually fight and lose.

Because of this book, I am afraid.

So today is dedicated to you, Ivy Ruckman. Thanks for making me more of a basket case than I already am. Do me a favor and go play with a plastic bag on the freeway.

~Maria

Road Trip: Not the terrible movie

Hey there long lost friends! Ive missed you. Thanks for still coming to this page after 3 weeks of nothing. But let's get over the past and move forward. First of all, I have a bone to pick: for the last year I have been spelling  the word "consciously" incorrectly in a very public setting--this blog--and not one of you assholes ever said anything. Thanks. Thanks so very much. I spend like seriously 2 hours checking my shit on here, and not once did I notice I was spelling consciously incorrectly. I'm pretty sure I use it every post. What the fuck. I blame you and not the fact that through my entire 7th and 8th grade career, I cheated on every spelling test because Ms Maus trusted us to grade each other's papers and everyone just gave everyone else 97% because you can't give each other 100% because then she will figure out we're cheating.

So I feel like a giant douche. But at the same time, I'm way too lazy to go back to search through and edit every misspelling, so henceforth, the word Consciously shall always be spelled the way it should be, and not like a 4th grade drop out from Oklahoma city would spell it.

Ok so me and my husband just got back from a trip to Jamaica. And I bet you think I'm going to tell you a story about something funny that happened there. I could, but I don't feel like it. So instead, you get to learn about what it's like to ride in a car with me on a road trip. **Side Note** I guess I should preface this by stating "what it would be like to ride with me in a car on a road trip if you were my life partner" since half the annoying shit I do on road trips I only do if Jimmy is driving because I like to think that pledging your life to someone else gives you the legal right to act like a 5 year old like 50% of the time if you feel like it.

So, because I'm rusty and really tired right now, I'm going to resort to listing.


Annoying Shit I do when on a Car Trip with my Husband

1) Fall Asleep:
I know this is a huge douche move. I mean, here I am, not the one driving, don't have to concentrate, can just sit back and relax, and I don't even have the common decency to remain conscious--success!!--for the duration of the trip to keep you company? What the hell. I really don't mean to do this.  But I cant help it. After about 45 minutes, my eyes start to droop, and I'm out like a newborn for at least 20 minutes.

2) Read:
I love to read. And if we are going somewhere, I'm going to bring a book with me. And since I have a Kindle--I know, I'm fancy as fuck--I'm actually bringing like 50 books with me. And I'm not going to be able to resist the urge to pick it up and see what happens next in whatever nerdy-ass sci fi book or memoir I'm reading at the time. *Plug* Read Bossypants by Tina Fey---recommended by my friend Ana, its absolutely hilarious. It made me really wish I could meet Tina Fey so we could be friends and walk around NYC mocking people and being awkward together. Someday. Someday Tina, you are going to find yourself with a new best friend. I'm sure you are as excited as I am.

3) Point out every animal we pass:
I cant help it. I like animals. So shouting, "look, cows!!" or "hey look at that white horse over there eating grass" or "oh my god a hawk just flew over us" isn't only natural for me, it's a compulsion. Like, I have to point it out or they might not live. Like having to clap so Tinkerbell doesn't die. I must tell you if I see an animal. It's the only way.

4) Take off my shoes and socks:
Lots of people don't like feet, which I get. Feet are pretty gross. But when I'm riding in a car, my feet will either be really hot or really cold, and it makes me feel icky and claustrophobic to sit in a seat for 5 hours so taking off my shoes helps relax me. Plus no matter what, I'm going to end up taking off my shoes and socks because I need to get more comfortable for when I fall asleep again.

5) Freak out about all the dog hair in my car:
This is a never ending battle, and with my OCD, the amount of anxiety I produce sitting with copious amounts of dog hair in a confined space holds enough Potential energy to fuel 4 atomic bombs. Its probably best if you let me pick up my book to distract me from the 17,000 pieces of dog hair floating around since you felt the need to open the window...ass...its like 35 degrees out wtf.

6) Get in a fight about something that happened like 5 years ago:
Ok so I'm not supposed to sleep or read, and we've just hit that part of the trip were we are both tired of talking, and the only radio station we are picking up is Country Jesus 107.5, and none of my CDs work that well since I don't have a cool CD holder and they are scratched to hell and skip every 90 seconds, so what else would you have me do than to sit and think about shit from the past that you cant help or that doesn't matter anymore anyways? Because if I'm not allowed to read or sleep, my mind is going to wander and because my baggage amounts to 7 duffel bags crammed so full the seams are breaking, I'm going to think about stupid shit that there is no way in hell you want to talk about. Sorry. After a short escalation of feelings, some crying, and then 20 minutes of silence, one of us is going to start laughing anyways, and then we will be right where we were 45 minutes earlier. And I just gave us something to do for 30 minutes. So actually, you're welcome.

7) Fall Asleep again after we get Culver's:
Culver's Buffalo Chicken Tenders Basket, large fry, side of ranch, and a medium drink with 75%Tropicana fruit punch, 25% water is a fairly easy way into my pants. You know this. So we are going to end up stopping there, and I'm going to eat the fuck out of that meal, and in 20 minutes after I stop gorging, the food coma is going to set in and I will fight like hell, but eventually I'm going to fall asleep again like an asshole, while you, also close to sleep from the fast food additives, will be forced to remain awake to ensure our vehicle doesn't hop the guard rail and result in our fiery deaths.



8) Every time we pass a cream colored Escalade, I will say the following "If escalades weren't the douchiest vehicle on the planet, I would buy the shit out of that, because that is the most baller car color known to man. Its like what I imagine a unicorns hair would look like if scientists could ever catch one":
 I cant help it. That color is bomb.

 9) Try to guess what personalized license plates are supposed to say by sounding them out, out loud
It's not my fault that everyone in Wisconsin has a personalized license plate because they must only be like $5 extra or something, which in turn causes the amount of cool shit available to drop drastically, and now I'm left to try and figure out what the fuck "2Ha74P" means, and I cant figure it out unless I try sounding it out out loud, plus I'm hoping that you will admit you don't get it either so I feel like less of a dumbass.

10) Get super hyper for 30 minutes and then...
aHHHHHHHHH I just got an energy boost!!! So now I'm going to dance around and poke you in the face and turn up the music really loud, and do lots of other annoying, childish shit because my ADHD is at the breaking point, and the Culver's coma finally relented its fast food additive grip on me, and I'm going crazy ohmygod why aren't we there yet???

11) fall asleep for the 3rd time.
All that dancing and poking you in the face wore me out. But its ok. Just let me sleep. We are only like 15 minutes away now, and when we finally reach our destination, you wont have to be in a car with me again for at least 3-7 days, by which point you will have resumed liking me as a person, and will no longer wish you could legally force me to ride in the trunk without any consequences.


In conclusion, riding anywhere in a car with with me for an extended amount of time if you are my significant other is like riding with a very foul mouthed 7 year old that you cant strangle because its not worth 25-Life over. Huzzah.

Have a super weekend


~Maria