I have the Night Blindness

Morning Readers! I missed you last week. Thanks for understanding.

Lets cut right to the chase. Since it's already 8:40 and I'm running late again. Welcome to my life. Full of disappointing people at every turn.

So, over the last few months, you might recall me telling you in every other post about my terrible road rage. How I scream at old women and honk my horn 3-4 times per car ride, and how I angrily pass people on the shoulder usually right in front of the "Do not pass on the shoulder" sign in my neighborhood. I do all of these things because everyone sucks at driving but me. But one thing I failed to mention to you, is that I do have a driving weakness. Much like Kryptonite is to Superman, this malady instantly renders me useless as a driver, and turns me into the people on the road that I hate the most.

I was in 5th grade when I first heard of it. My grandma informed me that she wasn't able to drive at night because she had "The Night Blindness". I remember thinking that sounds stupid and vaguely ominous, it must be an old people thing. She then explained that while driving at night, lights appeared brighter to her and makes it difficult for her to see. As a foolhardy youth I dismissed my grandma's problem as something I would never have to deal with. Ha. Sucks to be you, grandma!

Fast forward to my early 20s. I'm running late--shocker--for my night time coed volleyball game in a south Minneapolis suburb, which is forcing me to drive 90 mph since my husband and I decided to live in Canada. I'm about 15 minutes away, when I hit an patch of highway where it has clearly been raining for the past several hours. I'm instantly unable to see anything. The tail lights from the cars in front me me, the head lights from the cars on the opposite side of the highway, the street lamps, and the headlights from the cars behind me that are all beginning to angrily pass me all look like fireworks being shot off at ground level. I feel like I'm staring into the fucking sun. As I had never experienced this before, I start to panic. Am I going crazy? Oh shit I bet I have that brain parasite I saw on Discovery Channel that causes temporary blindness. What this shit is going on, and why don't any of these other aholes on the road seem to be affected by the highway suddenly turning into a strobe light???

Here is an example of what you with normal eyes would see, and me, with my cursed eyes sees:















After the initial shock wears off, I begin to get seriously concerned about my ability to even get home. Every time I go to take an exit, I overshoot it and miss, because the fucking road is glinting like the dickens, and I cant see the white lines on the road that are painted there to safely guide me off the highway. After missing 3 exits, and slowing down to a dangerous and infuriating 40 mph, I begin to cry. At this point I don't give a shit about being late for the game, all I want to do is successfully merge off of this shiny hellhole.

Luckily, the exit I'm supposed to be taking to get to the game comes up right as I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and I blindly swerve over hoping that I guess correctly and end up on the exit ramp and not in the ditch. And woohoo for me, I successfully manage to escape the freeway. Now, the regular street is just as shiny, and its almost worse because all of the other lights from grocery stores and gas stations and Walmart parking lots are now within my peripheral vision since exiting the highway, BUT, I am only forced to go 30 mph, which, from the standpoint of a blind person operating a motorized vehicle, I can tell you feels much safer. In conclusion, I end up making it to the game, 15 minutes late, but with a demoralized sense of self.

So, I dedicate this post to anyone I have ever tailgated for 10 consecutive miles in a row. To anyone I have given the finger to because they are driving like an asshole. To every 16 year old girl I have given the stink eye to while angrily shaking my head as I pass her because she is on her cell phone and is driving 20 miles under the speed limit. For every curse word. For every mild stroke I induce in myself while watching you people drive like quadriplegic spider monkeys. Know that if its past 6:30pm in winter--9:30pm summer---and if it happens to be raining, you have won. You leveled the playing field. And my lack of not enough rods or cones or whatever in my corneas, has finally allowed us to be equals in the eyes of the lord. As it is written, so shall it be done.

Happy Friday

Public Restrooms

Good Morning Readers! I'd like to start out today's posting by telling you a few random things that are too short to make a full post about, but that are probably interesting enough to be mentioned in an intro paragraph.

A) My husband came home last night to find that one of the knobs on our gas stove had been turned on and was leaking gas. He then went outside and on the deck discovered that the grill also had 2 knobs turned on and were also leaking gas. So. Someone is trying to kill us. Hooray! If you read my blog attempted murderer, you should know, we are still here. Valiant effort though.

B) I have found that lately I'm having a very difficult time not shouting or writing inappropriate phrases and offensive words at the end of sentences. I never actually do it, but it crosses my mind to add something to the end of a sentence because it would be funny, and I honest to god almost pee my pants because I get so scared of even having the thought. And then I sit there and think about how much trouble I would have gotten in if I actually did it and I get even more nervous. Fun times in crazytown.

C) I came to the realization yesterday, that I just don't like working. Years ago, I used to think it was my job, and that switching jobs would fix everything. But I have had every kind of job under the sun including manual labor--Office Space is lying when they imply that being a construction worker will free your soul--and I realized that its not that I have the wrong job. I just really don't like working is all. I lack ambition. Ambition in my sense of the word means I got up and put the juicy juice container--we only drink 100% juice in the Q household--back in the fridge before falling asleep on the couch for the evening. So now you know. Perhaps you are unhappy in your current place of employment simply because you are a lazy piece like me.


Alrighty! So what is this post about? Public Bathrooms. And a list of things you people need to knock the hell off immediately because a public waste collecting facility is already gross enough in itself without those of you out there that do the below mentioned things. Men some of these aren't as applicable to your restrooms, so sorry. But you will learn things. About women. And their bodily functions. Because guess what? Women poop. If you are above the age of 15, have a penis, and still cant handle hearing that sentence, invite me over to your house and I'll prove it to you. Begin.

1) If we are in a large public bathroom, with 10 + stalls, please don't come sit in the stall directly next to mine unless the bathroom is packed and you have no other option. Yes I'm weird and have phobia about people hearing me tinkle, but really, why do you need to sit in a stall where your feet are dangling less then 2 feet from someone else's feet. You don't. Its weird. I'm sorry if you are lonesome. But its more socially acceptable for you to make awkward conversation with me at the sink, rather than trying to play footsie with me while we are both voiding---that's what people over 75 used to call taking a piss. My grandma still says it and it makes me laugh.

1a) If you are going to go number 2, PLEASE don't sit in the stall directly next to me unless you have no choice. Because I don't want people to think all that noise and odor are coming from my stall. I know it shouldn't matter because you aren't supposed to care what strangers think blahblahblah. Yes I know. But I still care. So please go the the other end of the bathroom.

2) If there is a line for the bathroom, you don't have to talk to everyone around you about how there is a line for the bathroom. I understand we are all in mini-crisis mode because holding your pee can get very uncomfortable, so it feels like we are going through some kind of hardship together and we all get a false sense of immediate intimacy that crises provide, but in reality, we aren't in danger. We are just standing in a line. Waiting to pee. So if you want to talk about something, lets discuss the facts behind global warming or the history of the lower class, or why Wendy's takes away the spicy chicken nuggets just when you get used to ordering them every time and then brings them back out of the blue without even giving you a heads up. All of those things are more interesting then stating the obvious over and over again in various ways.

3) On a related note, drunk chicks, please keep yelling stories to each other across the stalls. Because your stories make my night. And are hilarious. They usually involve men and someone's boyfriend who cheated, or was going to cheat, or who never cheated but should have. Or they involve you telling all 45 women in the restroom how that one guy you gave a BJ to under the table at Champs is here with his new GF and how his new GF is wearing something trashy or hows shes fat or has a horseface. And I sit there voiding and laugh my ass off at your slurred words and hate speak. So thank you. Never change.

4) If you pee on the seat--talking to you drunk chicks--for the love of god wipe the god damn seat off. Its not that difficult. And saves me the trouble of trying not to gag as I have to use an entire roll of TP to try and clean the mess you made before I hover, all while trying not to break the seal as well. Its very stressful. So be courteous and clean up after yourself please.

5) Why do the sinks in public bathrooms always look like those sprinklers they have at grocery stores to keep vegetables wet just went off for the last 5 minutes? I understand the concept of having dripping hands as you make your way to the paper towel machine or air dryer. But you don't need to fill your hands full of water before you walk to the paper towels. You can shake them off in the sink before you move. That's what I do. And you shouldn't be bathing in the sink anyways unless you are homeless, in which case, carry on. Just a little soap and a little water to kill the germs. That's all you need.

6) To all the janitorial staff or maintenance people out there: Stop putting that tiny roll of toilet paper back on top of the new big roll on the holder in the hopes that I will use the rest of it before I start in on the big roll. Because I wont. I just throw it on the floor. Do you know why? Because for every person that thinks "I'm not using that old TP" and then proceeds to grab the new roll out from under the old one, that old baby roll goes flying through the air and lands on the floor of the stall. And then gets picked up and placed back on top of the new roll after the person is done. And that's fucking gross. So I will continue to throw that baby roll to the very back of the stall as long as you keep putting it there in an effort to prevent myself from getting chlamydia from a nasty bathroom floor.

7) You don't need to spin the TP roll like its that Big Wheel at the end of The Price is Right. You don't get points for how many squares you can get on the floor on one roll. Because when you go in there all crazy like and spin the shit out of that thing, the person that uses the stall after you walks in on a roll that is hanging with 43 squares sitting all bunched up on the floor. And then that person, if that person happens to be me, has to roll the TP 25 more squares down, tear it, and then leave a massive wad of TP sitting on the floor. Which is a waste. So knock that shit off. And quiet. The baby roll that I throw to the ground usually only has like 10 squares max on it, so its not that big of a waste.

8) If your toilet didn't flush correctly, please go tell an employee of whatever facility you happen to be at. Don't just skip away merrily without thinking about what you just did to a public space. Because that's really what a public bathroom is. A shared space. I generally don't pop a squat on the slide your children love to use at the park, so if for whatever reason your toilet is malfunctioning, think of others and go report it. You can even lie, and say "hey I walked into this stall and it was gross, can you please send someone to take a look at it?"Because when I really have to pee and rush into a stall only to find a toilet full of god knows what staring back at me, I want to puke all over myself and I shouldn't have to deal with that.

9) I am a foot flusher. Sorry to those of you that get all upset that people would have the audacity to use their shoes-that aren't made of skin-instead of their hands-that are made of skin- to touch something that gets sprayed with potty mist all day and gets cleaned once every 24 hours if we are lucky . How can you not use your shoe? Plus its good exercise. Its not my fault if you cant lift your leg up high enough to flush a toilet. That's all on you sister.

10) Tip the towel lady. Please. Don't use all her free deodorant and body spray and gum and suckers and bobby pins and then walk right past her without blinking an eye because you think you are better than her. You aren't. I fucking promise you that. Don't be a major bitch douche bag. Send a few dolla dolla bills her way and give her a smile. And at the very least, say thank you. Her job involves standing in a public restroom for hours at a time listening to you assholes bitch about how fat you are. Give her a break. Shes a good person.

11) And lastly, only use a public bathroom if you absolutely have to. These aren't places to hang around in, to chit chat, or reapply every bit of make up you own. Don't bring food into a public restroom. Because I will throw up on you. Don't bring books into a public restroom. Because this isn't your home and you shouldn't want to be getting all comfy cozy in here. Don't let your underage son who is too young to go into the men's room alone peek his head under my stall. I have no qualms about kicking him in the face. Your goal in a public restroom should be to get in, do whatever thing you have to do that cant wait until you get home, and then get the hell out as fast as possible.


And I'm spent. You probably are too. That was a long one. If you made it this far, thank you very much & have a wonderful weekend.

~Maria

I would rather get hit by a car or fall off an escalator or whatever the hell else is suppose to happen to me than forward your craptastic chain email

Good Morning Readers ! First of all, for those of you that care...aka maybe 2.5 of you, I was drafted to the Violent Femmes of the North Star Roller Girls two nights ago. They are awesome, and I'm super excited. Its hard to tell since I am not a big fan of exclamation marks or smiley faces, but you should know, on the inside, I'm jumping up and down like a fat kid at Fat Kid Camp during the 5 minute warm up before he gets winded and has to take a break. So if you ever wander into the Minneapolis Convention Center and happen upon me in underwear and roller skates, make sure you are wearing a red handkerchief in your pocket or a red feather in your hat or I wont talk to you.

Recently, I have noticed an upswing of chain email letter thingies--from here on out referred to as C.E.s--appearing in both my work & personal email Inboxes. I have also noticed an upswing in my urge to knock over anthills and push papers off my coworkers desks. I don't think this is a coincidence. The emails I have been receiving vary in content, but all have the same basic message: send this out to 5-15 other people within the next hour or your house will burn down and your husband will leave you and your dog will get kidnapped and your bank account will be hacked into by the Chinese Mafia--- I picked an Asian mafia because they are much better with computers than than the Italian Mafia. Obviously. Anyways, if you don't do whatever the email says you are supposed to do, horrible things are supposed to happen. So because I keep getting these, I have come up with some questions I would like answers to in regards to these trashfests in my inbox. Begin.

1) What if my life already really sucks? What happens then?

2) Why do people who claim to be my friends send C.E. to me? That would be the equivalent of me sending you a beautifully wrapped box full of fire ants with a note stating that if you don't immediately dump the contents of the box down your pants, some bad shit is going to go down. I wont tell you exactly what bad shit, but I'll give you a few random examples of friends of friends who didn't in fact dump the ants down their pants and are now all in comas....That's what it feels like for me to open a C.E. from you, spend 10 minutes reading to the bottom only to find out you are essentially threatening my life if I don't spread this garbage to my entire contact list like you did.

3) Why do these C.E. usually have a nice message somewhere in them, that becomes void after the last 3 sentences? Most C.E. contain a paragraph or poem about wanting to remember how short life is, or remembering to tell the people you love that you do, or some other such sentiment. And overall, I think these are good things to be reminded of on occasion. But the second I get to the line "If you do not send this to...." I automatically discredit everything that came before that sentence as filth and lies.

4) Who starts these C.E.? And whats does the person get out of making hundreds of people forward crap to other hundreds of people that the creator doesn't know? I do not understand. Its not like Im sending thank you notes back to the creator "OMG thank you soooooooo much, that chain email you sent me last week totally changed my life!!!! I got picked for the next Bachelorette and my lap band surgery was approved all in the same day!! Best. Email. Ever!!!!!! Hugs & Kisses ~Maria" No. That doesnt happen. So why create something that can never be attributed to you, and you will never get praise or critisim for? Don't you dare tell me it's art or a form of expression. Because I will slap you right in the crotch. It's not. C.E.s are created by stupid people with lots of free time on their hands who happen to have access to an email account and a list of contacts. End of story.

5) Why is the person who creates these C.E. at about a 4th grade writing and reading comprehension level? Grammatical errors, spelling errors, and an overall lack of creativity accompanies every god damn one of these things. Why? Its called spell check. Even FB has it. If something is underlined in red,it means you spelled it wrong. Please take the time to fix these errors before sending out an email that is going to be viewed by potentially hundreds of people.

5a) To speak more to the general crappiness of the writing, I just received a C.E. with the following sentence in it "Kate Bellford received this email last week, and marked it as Spam. The next night, on her way to a masquerade ball, she was hit by a drunk driver and died instantly". .....I'm not fucking kidding. That was one of the examples. Masquerade Ball? Was this email originally drafted in 1735? WTF? This is 2010. How hard would it have been to say "was on her way to a club" or "was on her way to the grocery store". Really. Masquerade Ball. I'm going to assume her horse and carriage were totaled in the accident. Its amazing the drunk driver survived too--they always do! Have you seen what a deer can do to a car? Imagine a full horse. And how do we know she received this email last week? Did we hack into her account after the funeral? That's rather inappropriate. See? Terrible writing. Just terrible.

6) Why do I have a 3 second moment of panic when I delete a C.E? I'm not superstitious, but after having read all the various ways and brilliantly drafted examples of the bad things that could happen to me once I hit the backspace key--shut it my computer doesn't have a delete key. It was made in North Korea--it kind of gets under my skin, and I have a brief lapse in judgment where I think, shit, maybe I should send it out. But I never do. And I'm still here, and have only 2 and a half prosthetic limbs to date, so the jokes on you C.E. creator, HA!

7) Why are C.E.s still being created? I feel like they should have fallen off the same time that AIM and Myspace died. It doesn't make sense. We are supposed to be evolving. Not regressing back to a puritanical though processes of acting out of fear to avoid punishment from an unseen god or karma. Its embarrassing. You hear that? You are being embarrassing. So just knock it off.


In conclusion, No one should be forwarding or creating these anymore. They aren't cool. They aren't funny. They aren't clever. At least I haven't received any that are. So unless it is actually hilarious, or has a video of a one legged dog climbing a staircase, or has a link to a coupon that will save me $5 on my order of $40 or more at Big Bowl, please for the love of god, do not keep sending these things to me. Or I will throw your child and/or pet off a cliff. A high one. With lots of pointy rocks and shark invested water at the bottom.

Have a splendid weekend. Dont blow away in the wind.