I will begin by stating, for the record, I am a complete ageist....and sexist... when it comes to driving. I will also say, I really do love being a woman,and think women are great and wonderful and super cool and junk. Girl Power and such. But, I honestly believe that most women of a certain age *see title* should only be allowed to operate a motor vehicle on days when Im not planning on going anywhere.
Merging. Is really not that difficult. Granted--living in MN, where the civil engineers were high on meth when they came up with the concept of putting On ramps before Exit ramps does make mastering this task more complicated--it shouldnt take you more than 2-3 years to learn how to do this properly. You should be going the speed that the rest of the cars on the freeway are going by the time you hit the bottom of the On ramp. You should not be going 25 mph. If you are,and I happen to be the lucky car also trying to gain access to the freeway behind you, you should know that I will be passing you on the shoulder because that is still safer than your lame ass attempt at driving.
Freeways. If you are afraid of them, dont take them. Yes they can be scary sometimes. But generally, the only reason they feel scary is because you dont feel like you have complete control over you vehicle, in which case, I would prefer it if you would stick to only driving around in your cul-de-sac anyways.
Speed limits. Are for suckers. When Im stuck behind you and you are going 37 mph in a 55 mph zone, all thats running through my head is 'Move Bitch get out the way', while I slowly go into cardiac arrest. If you actually accelerate up to the posted speed limit, I promise to remove my car's front bumper from your back one.
*Side Note* Its way easier to tailgate women than men because they very rarely retaliate. Instead they just get flustered and when you are finally able to pass them, start out by glaring. Once eye contact is sustained for more than 3 seconds, they usually get scared and pretend to change the radio station. This is the thing: if Im tailgating you, I know Im doing it. Your angry face wont make me suddenly repent or feel ashamed. If you are pissed at me for violating your car's space, you freaking flip me off. Stand your ground woman!! I will respect you more if you do. *Side Note* I was 100% certain the term was "Flick off" for the first 24 years of my life until my husband heard me say it wrong, and mocked me until I cried. Fail.
Men on the other hand, are a sneaky sneaky breed, and if you plan on tailgating one, you better have your wits about you and be ready to stomp on the breaks at any moment. I once tailgated a man for 5 miles in a 40 mph zone. He was going 35. Not terrible, but honestly, if you are dude, I expect you to be going at least 10 mph over at any given time. Come on. I think about every 30 feet he stomped on his breaks. But I was too clever for him, and didnt come close to hitting his tiny red truck even once. haha. Point Maria.
Doing other things while driving: This is a weird one because women are supposedly better at multitasking than men are. In my experience, if I see a young lass driving while intexticated as FOX 9 so douchily coined it, I will literally speed up or slow down to ensure I get the mother F away from her. Now I pretty much do everything from eating spaghetti & meatballs while driving--thats for real, happened last weekend--to trying to change my clothes while driving, but even I dont text while driving. Its just stupid. Can what you have to say really not wait 15 minutes? It can. Or, pull over. Nothing freaks random people out more than creepily pulling over in front of their house while they are out in the yard and doing what looks to them like staring at your crotch for 5 minutes.
And finally, Parking. I will begin by saying, I suck at parallel parking. That way the one actual friend I have who reads this cant say Im being a hypocrite. Im convinced it has to do with the fact that I have to sit on a phone book to reach the pedals, and that in turn affects my curbside depth perception. That being said, I fucking rock at 90 degree back up, and just driving in reverse in general. My beef comes from just simple, everyday, grocery store parking. If it takes you 17 attempts to get into a spot at Rainbow, and I have to sit there and watch you Austin Powers the shit out of your car, while Im trying to run in quick and grab 10 Totino's Pizza for 10 dollars before they run out and all that's left is the icky Mexican flavor, I might be forced to curb stomp you once you finally get that thing in park.
Sigh. And now you know why I have no friends. There's just too much anger in here. To sum up, women, please stop sucking at driving. Being this rageful is exhausting and is taking years off my life. Thank you.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Im sorry Andrea H...aka...Why the only channels I can stand to watch all have the word Channel in them.
First things first. I made the mistake of telling my lifelong cabin acquaintance and recent FB friend Andrea, that I would have a new post on here by last Wednesday. I lied. Thats all there is to it. So I wanted to start this new post by saying, Im sorry for lying Andrea, and thank you for your readership. Also, you have nice boobies.
Many of you might not know that I have issues with watching television. There are certain types of shows and commercials that make me so upset I have to immediately change the channel. I literally get physically uncomfortable. Sometimes when my husband is feeling extra douchy, he will hide the remote and force me to watch a few minutes of one of these, and laugh as I spas out and eventually get up and walk away. Example: 'Are you smarter than a 5th grade'. I absolutely positively fucking hate this show. It is a worthless piece of tv writing and Im convinced that even watching 30 seconds of it actually kills more brain cells than mainlining a weeks worth of heroine. Why?
1)Jeff Foxworthy, while Im sure a decent human being, is not funny in any way. I think the world needed only 5-7 minutes of redneck jokes before that bit got old. He should have got away from the game while he was still ahead.
2) The kids are actors, and not even good ones at that. It even says that at the beginning of the show in small small writing on the bottom of your screen. I bet you didnt know that. Put down your tub of Easy Mac for 15 seconds and look for it next time.
2a) Who the hell are the parents of these child actors that allow them to be on a show where they get paid to lie? Insanity.
3) The questions are really hard, and Im certain a 5th grader of normal intelligence picked off the street wouldnt be able to answer 75% of those questions correctly. Especially the ones that arent multiple choice! Give me a break. Now I know I went to a Catholic school where our Math teacher was actually a gym teacher who made us watch movies about Ham radio and insisted it had to do with pre-algebra....Im serious....but Im fairly certain the other 5th graders in decent school werent learning about Quadratic Equations. This entire show is a joke. HOW CAN YOU STAND IT???
Other examples: Cant watch any part of any reality show where the host awkwardly talks to one of the contestants in an attempt to fill air time. Jeopardy is probably the best example of this. That 5-10 minute segment in between new boards is excruciating to me. Why?
1) The host is always a huge douche during this part. Trebek, Seacrest, Brooke Burke, they all have to let the contestants know that they are the ones who are actually famous, and that the contestants are just your average schlub who got lucky and ended up on tv for 45 minutes. Trebek: "Its says here Susan that you love to Garden on the weekends" Susan: "Oh yes, in fact...blahblahblah boringboringboring...uninteresting garbage that is making me look like an idiot on national tv" Trebek: "Thats lovely. When Im in my villa in Tuscany I also like to putter around the yard from time to time" Thanks Alex. We already know that you are rich and famous. Thanks for making this lady's already uninteresting story even lamer..jackass.
2) The contestants never say anything witty or interesting or cool. If you know you are going to be on tv. Please. For my sake, practice what story you are going to talk about when asked. Pick something cool. Make it up!! No one has to know! Your friends wont care if you lie, because, hey, you got on tv! Please dont talk about the time your cat got its sweater caught in your sliding glass door. It literally makes me want to die.
And finally, commercials. My all time, most hated, cringe worthy commercials, all come from the same place: Olive Garden. They are terrible. Just terrible. Every single actor in those commercials acts like they are the god damn smartest person on the face of the earth for thinking of going to Olive Garden for lunch/dinner. They all laugh at inappropriate times, just like the doctor on the Simpsons. Someone also always makes a really lame joke that everyone at the table wets themselves over, and then gets the waitress in on too. Now, have any of you ever had an experience like that at the Olive Garden? No. No you have not. Its not funny, its not clever, its not carefree and super fun. Its Olive Garden. You go there for sub par American pasta and unlimited salad and bread sticks. Thats it. Thats why you are there. No other reason. And god help me, if Olive Garden tells me one more time that they actually send their chefs to Italy for training, Im blowing up the tv.
In conclusion, I have learned in order to keep my blood pressure at a reasonable level, I can only watch stations that have the word channel in them. Discovery channel. Science channel. History channel. Planet green...channel. Damn it. That one doesnt work. But really, do yourselves a favor, and if you must watch tv--instead of going outside and actually experiencing life for yourself--put something on that will actually teach you something in the long run. Thank you.
Many of you might not know that I have issues with watching television. There are certain types of shows and commercials that make me so upset I have to immediately change the channel. I literally get physically uncomfortable. Sometimes when my husband is feeling extra douchy, he will hide the remote and force me to watch a few minutes of one of these, and laugh as I spas out and eventually get up and walk away. Example: 'Are you smarter than a 5th grade'. I absolutely positively fucking hate this show. It is a worthless piece of tv writing and Im convinced that even watching 30 seconds of it actually kills more brain cells than mainlining a weeks worth of heroine. Why?
1)Jeff Foxworthy, while Im sure a decent human being, is not funny in any way. I think the world needed only 5-7 minutes of redneck jokes before that bit got old. He should have got away from the game while he was still ahead.
2) The kids are actors, and not even good ones at that. It even says that at the beginning of the show in small small writing on the bottom of your screen. I bet you didnt know that. Put down your tub of Easy Mac for 15 seconds and look for it next time.
2a) Who the hell are the parents of these child actors that allow them to be on a show where they get paid to lie? Insanity.
3) The questions are really hard, and Im certain a 5th grader of normal intelligence picked off the street wouldnt be able to answer 75% of those questions correctly. Especially the ones that arent multiple choice! Give me a break. Now I know I went to a Catholic school where our Math teacher was actually a gym teacher who made us watch movies about Ham radio and insisted it had to do with pre-algebra....Im serious....but Im fairly certain the other 5th graders in decent school werent learning about Quadratic Equations. This entire show is a joke. HOW CAN YOU STAND IT???
Other examples: Cant watch any part of any reality show where the host awkwardly talks to one of the contestants in an attempt to fill air time. Jeopardy is probably the best example of this. That 5-10 minute segment in between new boards is excruciating to me. Why?
1) The host is always a huge douche during this part. Trebek, Seacrest, Brooke Burke, they all have to let the contestants know that they are the ones who are actually famous, and that the contestants are just your average schlub who got lucky and ended up on tv for 45 minutes. Trebek: "Its says here Susan that you love to Garden on the weekends" Susan: "Oh yes, in fact...blahblahblah boringboringboring...uninteresting garbage that is making me look like an idiot on national tv" Trebek: "Thats lovely. When Im in my villa in Tuscany I also like to putter around the yard from time to time" Thanks Alex. We already know that you are rich and famous. Thanks for making this lady's already uninteresting story even lamer..jackass.
2) The contestants never say anything witty or interesting or cool. If you know you are going to be on tv. Please. For my sake, practice what story you are going to talk about when asked. Pick something cool. Make it up!! No one has to know! Your friends wont care if you lie, because, hey, you got on tv! Please dont talk about the time your cat got its sweater caught in your sliding glass door. It literally makes me want to die.
And finally, commercials. My all time, most hated, cringe worthy commercials, all come from the same place: Olive Garden. They are terrible. Just terrible. Every single actor in those commercials acts like they are the god damn smartest person on the face of the earth for thinking of going to Olive Garden for lunch/dinner. They all laugh at inappropriate times, just like the doctor on the Simpsons. Someone also always makes a really lame joke that everyone at the table wets themselves over, and then gets the waitress in on too. Now, have any of you ever had an experience like that at the Olive Garden? No. No you have not. Its not funny, its not clever, its not carefree and super fun. Its Olive Garden. You go there for sub par American pasta and unlimited salad and bread sticks. Thats it. Thats why you are there. No other reason. And god help me, if Olive Garden tells me one more time that they actually send their chefs to Italy for training, Im blowing up the tv.
In conclusion, I have learned in order to keep my blood pressure at a reasonable level, I can only watch stations that have the word channel in them. Discovery channel. Science channel. History channel. Planet green...channel. Damn it. That one doesnt work. But really, do yourselves a favor, and if you must watch tv--instead of going outside and actually experiencing life for yourself--put something on that will actually teach you something in the long run. Thank you.
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