Summer Fashion Tips

Well Hey there everybody! I hope this morning finds you well. The first official day of summer was yesterday, and that means the time has arrived for us to have the talk. And frankly, it probably doesn't even apply to 95% of the 4 of you that read this because I'm getting old as fuck, and I'm assuming most of you are also old as fuck, and the people that tend to need this talk are all young looking and junk. But I digress. We need to discuss some basic rules I came up with as a middle schooler about how to dress comfortably during  the warmer months without looking like a complete skank.

*Side Note* Its likely I have referenced this topic before in previous posts, but because Blogger's system for categorizing previous posts was developed by a partially stepped on potato bug, I cant find whatever the hell post I was looking for to verify, so if this is a repeat, pretend like Im a stand up comic and you like me so much you followed me to the next city over to see the same act you saw last month **Side Note to the Side Note** Holy shit do not go look up potato bug in google images. You will throw up. I was talking about the rolly polly looking things that are all flat and grey and segmented and that come out of cracks in the sidewalk or from under rocks.

So we all understand that early summer in the Midwest equals lots of blindingly pale skin showing through varying degrees of cotton and spandex and whatever they make swimsuit tops out of. And if you are anything like most of the perverts I know, then this fact may get you all wound up and eager to begin creeping around University bookstores and local popular lake hang out spots with a pair of dark sunglasses and a creatively hidden way to take pictures on your phone without looking like you are taking a picture with your phone.

 And you may be thinking "shut the F up Maria, we like our women and men loose and crazy looking, don't tell them anything that will make them second guess giving us free peep shows 3 months out of the year." I can only say to you, I'm sorry. Someone needs to pass on the torch of knowledge. I cant let this revelation die with me. It must be shared. 

The reason I give a crap if young, or middle aged or old people walk around with their butt cheeks hanging out of the bottom of their shorts or their nipples cresting over the tops of their size 2 tanks is simple. I feel like there is a fine line between sexy and tramptastic, and that more people need to understand that it's not that difficult to still look hot without showing everyone the side of your vulva whenever you bend down to tie your shoe. Or more importantly, that if you are going to let your lady bits fly in the wind in public, then for the love of Freddy Mercury, please don't show me your tits at the same time. And herein, lies my point, the secret to my success:

THE ONE AND ONLY RULE FOR NOT LOOKING LIKE A TRAMP DURING THE SUMMER, REGARDLESS OF AGE:

~Only feature one set of assets per outfit~

Thats it. Its that simple. Think of your body as divided into 3 sections, like so:

These 3 sections are your Fun Zones. These are the areas you can decide to either accentuate, ignore, or hide. I would advise you to take a hard and realistic look at yourself and understand what in fact is your best Fun Zone, and once that is established, remember that this area is the one where skin being shown will be the least offensive or most boner inducing to the general population. Once you've determined your feature Fun Zone, you can begin planning outfits accordingly.  Lets look at some examples of what not to do, and perhaps the mantra above will become clearer to you. 

Here we have Wendy, who seems to have just woken up and is now on the hunt for some Malox and Funyuns to help her start her 3pm off right. I notice first off, that Wendy has some very nice and shapely legs.  She can get away with wearing those daisy dukes, even if her butt cheek is peeking. So for Wendy, we would say her best Fun Zone, is the Lower. Unfortunately, Wendy decided to instead accentuate her Mid and Top Fun Zone by wearing the least supportive swimsuit top she could find behind the dryer and by then layering it with some type of device used to strain shrimp out of creeks. This is not doing Wendy any favors. Lets move on.

Here we have Fiona, who after consuming 12 Zima with Limes decided to take a quick nap in the bottom of an elevator shaft. Upon first glance, I would say that Fiona has some lovely tatas, and that her best Fun Zone is the Top. They seem to be of a nice shape and still full and perky. Fiona made a wise decision when she decided to feature her Top Fun Zone by wearing a very low cut, brightly colored tank. Where she went wrong is when she made the choice to pair that top with her 6 month old infant sister's jean dress, and a 3rd graders Oxford that she found on the bus after that group of private school kids got off at the Museum.

And finally, we have Zeke and Marlon (left to right) I'd like to start out by saying that Marlon looks wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing. He knows that his best feature are his long legs, which he accentuates by wearing a lovely, dark colored skinny jean. Kudos Marlon, you know your shit. Zeke on the other hand, needs a little help. We notice that Zeke has a very nice Mid Fun Zone, which is generally the hardest one to pull off. It is slim, muscular, and has minimal hair growth; a perfect specimen for Mid Fun Zone showcasing. But Zeke went one step too far when he put on that child sized tiger striped hoodie. There's just too much Zeke skin showing, and I now have no desire to guess at whats under those suede pantaloons since I feel like Ive gotten the milk for free. A better choice could have been a simple cut off white tee, or a broken in brown leather vest, worn open without an undershirt.


And so now you know. Showcasing too many Fun Zones at once, or the wrong ones can be disastrous. The results can range from sexual crimes to loss of friendships to natural disasters. If you take one thing away from the post, let it be this: You don't have to show all the goodies all the time. Instead of wearing a dress 5 sizes too small that makes your boobs touch your chin and your bottom wink at passersby, try discussing the current political situation over in Egypt, or how black holes are formed while wearing a tube top and full coverage jeans. You may find that mental stimulation is a better lure for attracting a mate that isn't a douchebag than wearing a full Juicy Couture tracksuit any day.

Thanks for stopping by. Have a lovely day

~Maria