Up the Duff

Hey there lovers & friends! For the .5 of you that don't know me in real life, I recently announced that I am with child. Like the virgin mary. Except I didn't get impregnated by an angel on behalf of a deity. I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, a few of the 5 of you who read this asked me to write something about pregnancy. And so I figured, hey why not, lets go for it. If you hate children, and never plan on having any, and hate people who talk about kids, great, me too! This shouldn't be too terrible to read. Also, I promise that I wont get into too gross of details since I'm not getting paid to tell you this shit, and I'm not divulging the inner workings of my colon if I'm not getting any compensation for it.

So. A list of the things Ive learned so far being pregnant. Begin.


1) Morning Sickness feels like having a 4 week hangover

I was under the impression that this so called Morning Sickness meant that you wake up, puke, and go merrily about your day. This is inaccurate and movies and tv, per usual, lie to you regarding this symptom. For me, Morning Sickness felt like the time I was at Brothers and got real cocky and did about 8 shots of Ciclon and cranberry since they were like a dollar, and then had to be physically carried out of the bar by two very nice bouncers in red shirts as I was apparently passing out in the bathroom. *Side Note* I blame this on my youthful need to impress my boyfriend's friends, who were known for buying 60 of these shots at once and making everyone do them continuously until they were gone. My experience with Morning Sickness was 4 weeks of how I felt the morning after the Ciclon Disaster of 06.

2) The largest cup size Maternity Stores go up to is E. 


Before I began growing a fetus baby in my abdominal cavity, I was already cursed with giant knockers. You read that post, you know my struggles. After being knocked up, these warlocks decided it would be funny to grow even bigger, since apparently I don't look like enough of a freak show already. Fairly quickly into this pregnancy, I found myself becoming angrier and angrier while at work, and aside from the fact that work sucks because its work, I couldn't figure out why. One day I had an epiphany and realized it was because I was cramming something large into something small, much like trying to fit a water balloon into a baby stocking, and this was making me irritable. Like this poor, mentally deficient cat, with its head stuck in a soup can, I knew something had to be done immediately.

 So I went bra shopping, and this is what I found: normal clothing stores don't cater to women with giant boobs. They just don't. Target--DDs. Old Navy-Ds. Alright, maybe I need to try actual maternity stores. Pea in the Pod--Ds. I called Hot Mama--Cs. What in the fucking hell? My assumption for Cs being the largest cup they carry centers around the fact that most of the women who have enough money to shop there all fit into size zero pants before pregnancy, so their tiny bodies only expand to C-grade during full blown knocked-up-ness. To make this long story not that much shorter, I finally found Es at Motherhood Maternity, and I no longer want to murder people within a 3 foot radius.


3) Maternity Bras make you feel like an 89 year old 

There isn't much explaining needed on this one. I'm a bra snob in that I like my bras to be cute, ridiculously overpriced and sewn by tiny children in Indonesia chained to a floor. Maternity bras are not about the sexiness. They are about holding in a wall of cleve so that you don't accidentally give someone a black eye while reaching for a 6 pack of Shasta while at the grocery store. And as much as I may feel less desirable when wearing one of these, I am grateful for their support and military grade fabric.


4) 2 out of 5 co worker's reactions to finding out I'm pregnant have been "I thought you were just getting a fat stomach"


Now this may be the fact that I work in the public sector, and thus the type of people I work with care less than your average human being about not being assholes. I'm not sure if this is normal or not where you work. But after announcing that I am pregnant, I have had at least 6 people tell me they thought I was just letting myself go. I have also been told that a few knew I was pregnant because my face has gotten fatter, not chubby, not bigger, fatter. Lovely! I'm in no way disillusioned to the fact that I'm going to gain weight during pregnancy. But, really, when is it ever a good time to tell someone that they look bigger? Unless they were a Russian orphan in one of those terrible orphanages where the kids cant walk at like age 7 because no one ever interacted with them and they all weigh like 28 lbs. I think that's the only time it is socially acceptable to blatantly comment on someone's weight that you only have a professional relationship with.

5) Losing the ability to enjoy food put me into a mini depression


For the weeks of hungoverness, I was barely able to eat, and the idea of most if not all of my favorite foods made me want to puke all over myself. I wasn't prepared for this. No one ever told me that I may not want to eat certain foods for an extended period of time. And the shock of it turned to depression after the first week passed and the feelings hadn't gone away. I was honest to god depressed over this. If this is not a true testament to my Forever Fatkid status, I don't know what else is. Luckily, I'm rounding the bend, and am finally getting to a point where I can eat most of the things I used to enjoy.

5a) Puking up Hambuger is like puking up some of your soul


Except for burgers. Don't know if I can ever enjoy a delicious grease ball again. Worst vomit experience of my life.

6) I realized that I don't want my kid to be the only thing that bring me joy in life


My husband and I have a pretty great thing going currently. We do pretty much whatever we want in our free time, and live in a nice area with plenty of woods and fields to explore. We also watch a lot of documentaries and are constantly learning new things about the world. Do I understand that having a baby changes things? Absolutely. Do I think it means an end to enjoying the things you used to enjoy as just a couple? Only if you let it. I look at it this way: our dog literally goes everywhere with us, mainly because we don't go many places that would require him to not be there too. So why would that be any different with a baby? If anything, a baby is just another addition to the troop. We may need to carry a few more things to accommodate the newest member, but an addition of a kid to your family unit doesn't have to be like surviving a hurricane.


7) Napping is a lost art


The United States is built on the principal that you work as hard as you can for as long as you can, and that produces the best outcome. This is bullshit. Naps are glorious and should be nationally sanctioned into the workday for everyone. Pregnancy reminded me of this fact, as in my 1st trimester, I could have easily slept for 12-14 hours a day no problem. Ive always enjoyed sleeping, but there is something quite refreshing about napping away an hour in the afternoon, and waking up knowing you can still get some shit done that day.  If I wasn't so concerned about the possibility of contracting bedbugs from some of the furniture in this building, you can bet your ass I would be taking naps at work as well as on the weekends. *Side Note* For some reason, any time I wake up from a nap, I must eat within 5 minutes or I become extremely grumpy, and revert to a 3 year old. I do not know why. So remember Naps + Snack Time = a more productive day.

8) I don't know anything about Baby Stuff


Its not that I'm not the mothering type. In fact, if I see a baby squirrel that fell out of a nest, I cant even let nature take its course, and let the ants eat him. I once kept a baby squirrel in a shoebox in college for that very reason, and after work was planning on taking him to the wildlife rescue, but some asshole stole him from my yard, I'm assuming thinking I left a box of shoes sitting on my steps. What I'm talking about is I literally know nothing about what I need to buy, when my baby should be walking, whats ok to feed them when. I cant even tell how old babies are in real life, and when someone tells me their kid is 37 months, my only reaction is to get angry that they are making me try and remember how to do long division in my head. Does this general lack of knowledge scare me? Not really. Because really we humans are hearty creatures, and if a baby can be born addicted to crack, and still survive long enough to produce its own crack baby, I'm pretty sure my baby will be ok. *Side Note* Its not the crack babies fault.

So there you have it. Pregnancy wisdom. Not much different than regular wisdom. Except there is a tiny parasite feeding off of your internal organs while you are learning it. Fun!


Have a nice weekend. Go outside.


~Maria