Winter and stuff

Morning lovely people of the world. Lets get going since Ive been bad the last 3 weeks.

Most of you are probably aware that it is Winter in the Midwest. Which means that there are a ton of things you have to remember to do to ensure that you don't freeze to death. As of the last 7 days, the average temperature in the Twin Cities has been around 15 degrees. And if you are from Florida or Sri Lanka or something and have never experienced what 15 degrees or less feels like, it feels like this:
You turn into a fucking zombie. Its like you have lost all body hair and fat and your limbs don't want to move correctly, and your face feels like its about to fall off. Every breath you take in makes your lungs burn and all you can think about is how to get to wherever you are going faster. Its not very pleasant. And every year you wonder aloud to friends, neighbors and random strangers in the elevator why you are living in this god forsaken state. And yet, here we are again.

So.

I have devised a list of things to do to survive the next 5 months. Because really, no one wants to die of exposure. It's not a very pretty way to go, plus I heard once on Law & Order that the last stage of Hypothermia involves you believing that you are super hot so you take off all of your clothes and die naked frozen to a tree or something. Which is just depressing on so many levels. So don't let that be you. Because I have enough stuff to worry about without trying to fit your naked frozen funeral into the mix. Begin.

1) Dress in Layers. If you don't look at least 50 lbs overweight in your clothing, than you aren't dressed warm enough. If you are going to be outside for an extended amount of time i.e., over 5 minutes, you should look like this when you leave the house:
You should appear to be bald, overweight and sexually ambiguous. Really, in weather this cold, no one is going to be checking you out outside anyways, so don't let vanity be the reason you had to get 4 blackened toes removed.

2) Kicking off the snow/ice buildup from behind the back of your tires has been statistically proven to decrease the likelihood of you getting into an accident.
Not really. I just really really really like doing this. It brings me a satisfaction I cant quite explain. Remember how Holden wanted to be the Catcher in the Rye? I want to be the Kicker of the Snow. Like, if I could get paid to go around and kick all the snow off of people's cars, I think my happiness quotient would raise at least 60%. **Side Note** I just looked up the word quotient and the definition has to do with math so I'm fairly certain I didn't use it correctly here. Sometimes I just pick words that sound cool. You'll learn that. In conclusion, if you need your tires removed of snow, give me a jingle.

3) Don't park in a snowbank. Even if its closer to your end destination.
This is a tricky one, because on the one hand, parking closer to wherever you are going seems like a better way to ensure that you wont freeze to death en route. This is a fallacy. If you park in a snowbank, you will get stuck. There is a reason that meter spot next to the bar was yet unclaimed when you pulled up at 12:23: because no one wants to be the asshole trying to get their car unstuck after bar close.....like me last weekend. If it weren't for a few good friends that waited to see if I could get out before driving away, and the kindness of a very large stranger that didn't demand sexual favors for helping my dumbass at 2 in the morning, I would have died right there in that spot. So find a place to park that is free and clear of snow. Its safer in the long run.

4) You should have an Ice Scraper in your trunk year round.
Really. Because sometimes it snows in May. And it sucks to have to try and wipe snow off with your hands, and then if you are a midget like me, you get snow all over your coat when you have to lean across the car to reach the middle of the windshield, and then when you go to sit down in the car, snow gets all over your seat and you are not only sitting in a freezing car, but are now privy to wet pants as well. And scraping ice with a credit card is both impossible and looks ridiculous. So knock that shit off. I don't even feel bad for you.

5) Putting plastic on your windows helps...even though it is a giant pain in the ass.
If you have nice new windows that seal tightly, please disregard this one. The windows in my home look as if they were made sometime in 1972. And the genius who laid out the floor plan in this house decided that every single vent should be positioned directly next to a outlying window or door. I'm serious. It's so ridiculous it makes me cry. So every year we go through the fun process of putting up plastic. No big surprise here, I'm terrible at this. I despise measuring anything, and my arms aren't long enough to stretch the plastic all the way across the windows.
Just because I'm bad at this doesn't mean that you should be too. It does make the room like 10 degrees warmer. So just do it already. Plus you will save on your heating bill and mother earth will thank you for slowing down the process of draining away all her valuable resources.

6) Invest in some good slippers. Its socially acceptable to bring them with you to people's homes. I don't care how many pairs of socks I have on, my feet will still be fucking ice cold during the winter unless I'm wearing slippers. Maybe its psychological or an early warning sign of my poor circulation which may result in heart disease later in life. Either way, I need those bastards on my feet to feel even remotely comfortable when its really cold out. Feel free to purchase slippers you enjoy. Icetoners are bunk. I myself prefer straight up white bunny slippers. Its like having a friend on your feet at all times.

7) The colder it gets, the lazier you will get. That's ok. Embrace it.
Even animals put on weight and only want to sleep when its cold outside. Its science. So if the fact that the sun goes down before you're even walking out to your car in a 17 below windchill makes you want to eat 5 papa Murphy's pizzas and then sleep until April , don't feel bad. It happens to me too. And all those assholes that you see running outside or biking in this weather will get theirs. Mark my words. They will get theirs when I finally muster up enough energy to throw a snowball at the back of their heads. Take that. And look, the very act of me throwing a snowball was the most movement I participated in in the last 4 hours. So really, its a win/win.
So that's it. I'm sure there are more, but I just got really sleepy and am contemplating going to pick up Applebee's carside to go, so 7 is all you get. In conclusion, stay safe, stay warm, and always have faith that spring will come again.

Love and kisses

~Maria