The Curse of The Sweaterpuppies

Gooooooood Morning ! Hope your Holiday festivities were lovely, and that your New Years Plans are fun and don't involve you throwing up in a bathroom or wandering Downtown alone looking for a cab that will never come. Remember: safety in numbers. My New Years Resolutions are to not miss a Friday posting, and to not eat fast food more than once a month. Both of these resolutions will most likely be broken within 6 weeks. So it goes. Good luck to you on your Resolutions, hopefully you can last longer than my inevitable failures.

Alright so this posting is going to be about Boobs. Specifically my own boobs. There will be actual photo graphical evidence as well. I'm warning you now so that you can stop reading if it offends you, or so that if you are into boobs you can send the link to this posting to everyone you know. Either way, I understand.

For those not aware, I'm a towering 5 foot 2 inches tall. And at the present moment am sporting a set of 32 D's. These, while at first glance may seem awesome, are in actuality a giant pain in my ass for a number of reason, and have been since graduating from high school. If you'd like to find out why, keep reading. Shall we begin? We shall.

Reasons Why Having Big Boobs Isn't That Awesome


1) I'm 5'2. Having a Big Chest makes me look like a Carmel Apple on a Stick.
Models and Actresses and Porn Stars that are 5'6 or taller can get away with having big tits. The length of their torsos and waists balance it all out so they don't appear too top heavy. I on the other hand have a torso the length of a stick of gum, and thus look like I'm going to fall over if there's a slight breeze. 2) There are certain clothes I can't wear without looking like a prostitute.
For my smaller chested sisters, the following items of clothing all look super cute and fun and flirty on a warm summers day: Tube tops. Camis. Triangle Bikini Tops. Halter Tops. Strapless Dresses. Low Cut Dresses. Any Item of Clothing that requires you to Not Wear a Bra. For me, if I try buying something cute and fun to wear in the summer, I end up looking like I just got off the early morning shift at the Vu. Why? Because having big boobs is automatically equated with being hyper sexual. I can wear the exact same shirt as a friend with a B Cup and look 75% more slutty than she does. 3) Everyone Thinks They're Fake
Everyone. If I received a dollar for every time a now good friend told me that when they first met me they were 100% sure I had fake boobs, I would have $7. It's not so much that I care that people think they are fake-which in a backwards way is kind of a compliment-but rather that people don't believe me when they finally get around to asking if they are or not. I had a random man-stranger in a bar tell me that I needed to get over myself and just be proud of my obvious surgical enhancements-but in a less articulate way and more along the lines of "those tits are so fake, wear em proud girl!" This was as I was walking out of the bar. He didn't know me at all. We didn't do the awkward standing in line waiting for a drink convo. He just felt it was necessary to shout this at me as I was leaving. The 47 other people exiting the building all turned to verify if my tits were indeed fake. Fun times!

4) Golfing is impossible.
I'm serious. Look at any famous female golfer....I think there's like 2 or something. Neither of them is packing anything higher than a B. Why? Try having a good golf swing when you have to place your arms on top of an extra foot and a half of chestiscle. It doesn't work. I found this out at a driving range sophomore year of high school and was instantly pissed off. Driving ranges are supposed to be fun and easy and relaxing. For me they are filled with frustration, embarrassment and shame.

5) Exercising requires me to wear 15 bras.
Do I have to wear this many? Of course not. I do it so that I don't look like a Baywatch commercial. Contrary to popular belief, I actually don't like drawing attention to myself through how I physically look. I'd rather you think I was funny or kind of intelligent. So to keep gawking down to a minimum while exercising, I wear a regular bra with underwire on bottom, an elastic sports bra over that, and then either a sports tank with a built in bra, or a wife beater with a t-shirt on top of everything. As one can imagine, my chest doesn't move. Its like they're frozen in time. It is glorious and makes me feel less self conscience. I could probably take a bullet and not feel a thing.
6) Nice Bras are fucking pricey
I already hear you saying I don't have to buy a $65 bra at Victoria Secret and to stop my bitching. The thing is, I do have to buy that bra because its the only one that will successfully rein in the monsters. I once bought a bra at Target. **Side Note** for the record I actually love Target and get 60% of my clothes there. Just not bras anymore. See next sentence for details. So I bought this Target bra because I was tired of spending so much money at VS. And it seemed nice and good enough. It was light green which reminded me of moss and summertime and I think that's what really sold me on it. So I wore this bra to a Horseback Riding class I took for my PE credit in college--I know I'm the coolest. After about 15 minutes of trotting, I notice the left side of my shirt seemed a little loose. A few more minutes of trotting and I realized that my left bra strap had broken under the strain of containing my boob while bouncing vigorously over an extended amount of time, and that my left can was flying freely about my shirt like a flock of doves released at a wedding. I finished the class with as much dignity as I could muster and vowed to never again purchase a bra from anywhere but VS.

7) I have to work really hard to prevent saggage
Its just science. Gravity and whatnot. I very rarely go without a bra, because I am determined to not end up like my 4ft 7in grandma whose chest reaches the waistband of her jeans. I have been told by every women age 35 or older that this is inevitable and that after you have a kid, they turn into flapjacks. I disagree. I think I can fight this through the close to constant usage of a bra with an underwire and positive thought. Only time will tell. The bigger they are, the longer they have to grow. You just remember that ladies when you are bitching about not having any cleavage. In 15 years your chest will still resemble a body part and not a sock full of quarters, so be thankful.

8) The Dreaded Side Boob
I have heard that this happens only if you have a bra that doesn't fit properly. I don't know if that's true or not, but most dresses, tanks, and swimsuits that I own produce it. And it looks weird. And vaguely skanky. Celebrities can get away with this, but when your average woman has it, it just looks like your clothes shrunk or that you are too cheap to buy clothes that fit properly. Which in my case is probably true, but still.
9) Big Boobs make you look Fatter than you actually are
This is 100% true. I watched a Show on MTV Called True Life: I'm getting plastic surgery, and there was this one chick on there that was getting a reduction of her triple D's. She was not over weight and had a nice figure other than her large chest. After her reduction which brought her down to a big B, everyone interviewed that knew her before the surgery just assumed she lost weight. Not one of them guessed she had a reduction. So unless you are 95 lbs and over 5'5, your large chest is going to make you appear candy coated, even if you aren't. My height and combined chest size make me appear to have a BMI of around 37. I'm not really overweight, but at first glance you might think otherwise. Its like a mirage.

10) They are distracting
Both men and women will stare at my chest because they are there and they are perky and because you don't expect either of those things from someone of my stature. And then I watch them trying not to stare, which is awkward because then I have to pretend that I don't notice them trying not to stare and the whole ordeal makes me feel very weird and uncomfortable. And on top of that, if I'm saying something even remotely interesting, I better not have any cleve showing because it's going to distract you and I'm going to notice your eyes flick downwards quick and then that's going to throw me off, and make me lose my train of thought, and then I'm going to get pissed that your inability to sustain eye contact with me has now caused me to appear inarticulate and flustered. And I might cry. Not really, but it does make me uncomfortable.


So there you have it folks. Big Boobies aren't all they are cracked up to be, no matter what you hear or see on the Internet or television. Smaller Chested Ladies: be proud of what you've got. Bigger Chested Ladies: invest in some strong supportive underwires and hope for the best. Surgically Enhanced Ladies: Yours will always be perky, just be careful not to pop them.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

Love,
Maria