RIP Gummi Bears

Hello people of the Internet! Ive missed your musk. Here in the Midwest we are breaking records for the coldest March in years, so as you can imagine, Im about this close to selling my baby to an Asian sweatshop to fund my one way trip to St Vincents. I figure I can get about 50, 60 grand for him, and with that kind of cheddar I'll be able to stay in the SV for a solid decade. Peace. Out.

Being stuck inside for several months has awarded me a rare opportunity to watch a lot of shitty television. And because we dont have cable because wed rather get that free ish via roof antenna, I dont even have the option to sedate my brain function with award winning programming involving the Kardashians or tiny girl children with fake teeth and spray tans.

With all this TV watching, Ive noticed that cartoons nowadays are virtually nonexistent. Turn on regular tv on a Saturday morning and you will be absolutely horrified. I searched in vain to find something that 7-12 year old me would be even remotely interested in watching, and I am sorry to say, there was nothing. Im guessing that the major networks all figure that 1) everyone besides the Amish (pronounced with a long A as in Ape) has cable and 2) they cant compete with Disney channel and nickelodeon and mtvspringbreakjockjams2013. But what about my poor kids or my children of granola moms that arent allowed the vices of a cable box? What about them?? Wont someone remember them???

I remember you tiny suffers of basic programming. I got chu Boos. Because really, its bullshit that this is what is available to you:

The Doodlebops CBS 7AM-8AM-One hour of people dressed in weird semi-human/whoville-ish looking costumes. Nonstop singing and discussion of their 'rockband'. These people terrify me and Im almost 30. If the producers of this show are gearing this towards anyone but infants, they are kidding themselves. No self respecting 3 year old could handle this crap.

Busytown Mysteries--CBS 8AM-9AM-Based off those books by Richard Scary that were like Wheres Waldo but it was animals and the main character was that cat named Huckle and his best friend was a giant worm that dressed like he was auditioning for a Ricola commercial. ----->
Basically they run around and try and figure out who ate some one's pie or who forgot to return an overdue library book. I have an idea, lets rename it Nonadventures in Snoozeville because once again, there is like nothing happening here.

Liberty's Kids CBS 10AM-11AM-This is a cartoon where 3 kids and 1 freed slave hang out with Ben Franklin and live through all of the historical events occurring in American from 1773 to 1789.....Im not lying. Contain your excitement. One is from France, one is from England, and one is American, but his house burned down due to lightening--the writers think the are hilarious apparently. Im supposed to just accept that 3 kids--2 that are refugees-- without parents could just hang out with Ben F whenever they wanted? According to the history Ive read, Ben was a dirtybird. I doubt he'd want these 3 kids around messing up his game. Im not really sure what goes on in this show because Ive only been able to stand like 4 min before I stab myself in the eye with a pencil. Awful. Just awful.

My childhood is filled with memories of Gummi Bears, Ghostbusters, Ninja Turtles, David the Gnome, Muppet Babies, Pee Wee's Playhouse, Beetlejuice, Garfield and Friends, and that show on Nickelodeon about the Koalas that had telepathy that no one ever knows what the hell Im talking about besides Madrad.  

I feel like there is something wrong with a world that doesnt offer decent cartoon options on basic weekend programming. Saturday mornings were so awesome--waking up early to watch cartoons for a few hours while eating cereal or toaster strudel or eggos, and then knowing that after that last show was done, I had the rest of the day to play outside until my mom yelled at me to come eat dinner. You cant compete with that kind of freedom. Now its 3 hours of crap tv, followed by a you better hope your parent scheduled you a playdate or youre jumping Skip It alone in the driveway until you smash that 75 lb bastard against your left anklebone and you realize this toy is bullshit.

 AND THE VERY BEST THING OF ALL          THERES A                COUNT-ER ON THIS BALL

Like most of the world's problems, I dont really have a solution to this situation. I think its just something I have to accept as I get older. The world changes, and its doing so faster than ever, and Im old enough to realize that I was part of one of the last generations that were lucky enough to be allowed to just be kids. And a huge part of that, for me anyway, was quality Saturday morning cartoon programming.

So Rest In Peace all you wonderful magical creatures that made my weekends growing up the shit. I will never stop looking for tiny red pointed hats when Im in the woods or pretending that white grape juice is actually gummy berry juice.

Have a nice weekend folks

~Maria

Becoming a Parent

Alright so its been weeks and weeks and probably even months and months, but I am still here. Here as in alive. In case you were wondering. Exactly 50 days ago I gave birth to a healthy big ass baby boy. Aside from telling you that labor is fucking insane for 95% of first time moms, I will not burden you with the details because no one really gives a shit about your birth story except you and other women who are just waiting for you to finish talking so they can tell you their own birth story.

Since the moment that little critter was free of my womb, I have felt just about every emotion known to man and have been in various states of nervous breakdown from a minor inkling of pending anxiety to full out holy shit there is no way I am going to make it 5 more minutes without my heart exploding or my brain shutting down permanently. Overall, Id say 50% of my time has been spent seriously questioning my sanity.

I have had 50 days to think about how I want to write about the process of becoming a first time parent, and its been tough because unless you express to the world that you are the glowing specimen of motherly perfection, people wonder what the hell is wrong with you. As a woman, you are supposed to take on this motherhood thing with grace and gentleness and unconditional love and devotion to your new offspring all with an angelic smile on your face. And even if you arent feeling all of those things all of the time or even some of the time, you arent supposed to talk about it because the majesty of meeting something you grew like a CreepyCrawler inside your body for 9 months is supposed to overpower any feelings of self doubt, frustration, or shame.

In my case, this was far from reality. And Im guessing in many first time mom's cases, it is also far from reality, but due to social convention you probably never heard them tell about the crappy times. Or if you did, it was months and even years after the fact when they were at a perspective where they were able to laugh about it all and even look back on those really crazy, intense times with fondness and even longing. I wanted to give the perspective of someone who is still very much in the trenches, but whom after 50 days finally feels like shes on stable ground again. SO because I have probably 5 minutes before the monster wakes up and wants to eat again, Im going to list things Ive learned so far about being a first time parent


1) Put down the books. Turn off the computer. Go to a few classes, but only because they are kind of fun to do with your life partner. In reality, everything you need to know about the basics in caring for your infant you can learn by simply paying attention to the damn thing. This sounds so simple, but in my case was/is super difficult to do. I have wasted so many hours looking up shit online in an effort to figure out what Im doing wrong as a mom or what must be wrong with my kid instead of just PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS CUES. What a concept! I promise once you catch on to this things become 100% easier. This is something grandmas know inherently and they are very good at it, so look to them for advice on becoming more present for your mushball.

2) For certain babies and then subsequently their first time parents, the first two weeks can be hell. Especially if you had a traumatic labor experience. Maybe you will have one of those babies that whimpers quietly a few times when hes hungry, or makes a few tiny peeps to let you know she is uncomfortable  Congratulations! and also I hate you. If your future children are anything like my son, they will fucking scream bloody murder the first 2 weeks until you finally figure out what the hell you are doing and how to meet all of their needs. And really, I dont blame them. I become a horrible person to be around if I havent eaten or am really overly tired, so it only makes sense that 'intense people begot intense infants.' Ezekiel 15:5

3) The life you had before will disappear for a while.....maybe even for forever. You have to accept that. If you arent ready to, then wait a few more years before having kids.Honestly, this has been a really hard one for me. I guess I never realized how much I liked doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. I thought my life would remain the same, except Id have a cute little happy tiny person with me while I was doing it. I think that some day this will definitely be the case, but I was quite delusional in the timeline of me gazing lovingly at my adorable baby sitting calmly in his swing while allowing me to complete an entire session of Physique 57 after starting 3 loads of laundry and putting a roast in the crockpot 5 weeks post partum.

3a) What my life actually looked like at 5 weeks post partum: After 3-4 hours of sleep total, I alternate between trying to pump enough milk every 3 hours, trying not to fall asleep, changing diapers, trying not to fall asleep, washing pumping equipment, feeding bebe on demand, walking bebe on demand, entertaining bebe on demand, trying not to fall asleep, and sitting on the couch. Lots and lots of couch sitting. Sometimes I remember to eat and go to the bathroom. A lot of the time I feel really bored and sluggish and daydream of the times at work where I could go for walks to the copy machine without thinking about keeping someone else alive. But as time has passed I get about 2 hours of smiling and laughing a day too from a tiny creature that looks like me which is pretty awesome and amazing.

4) Your body changes after birth no matter what you do, no matter how much you will it not to. Your stomach doesnt magically go back to sexy within 2 weeks. It looks like a deflated balloon. You may get stretch marks that dont go away. Your perfect boobs lose their oompf. If youre breast feeding or pumping, your nipples hurt. Your nether regions can become a source of  major depression. To sum up, unless you are rich or a celebrity, you wont be entering any bikini contests right away. Thats ok. You can get your shit back together. Im not telling you this because I already have, but rather because Ive seen it done. I know its possible. I cling to that fact as I sit on my couch-glued ass typing this while dreaming of the day I will get 57 minutes to work out uninterrupted.

5) Having a kid will be the ultimate test in whether or not youve chosen the correct life partner. Luckily for me, I did. My husband has been 100% my life saver. He has helped me out of debilitating anxiety attacks, reocurrence after reocurrence of self doubt, and on again off again days of intense depression. He is amazing with our son and has stood by me through my worst. I wish for you the same luck I have had. If your partner is anything less than amazing, turn to friends or family for the emotional support you need.

5a) Post Partum Depression is a very real, very common thing even if you feel like its not. You are not alone. It can manifest as either anxiety or depression or both and lasts past the first month. I still have days where I know Im not completely out of the woods with mine, but do not hesitate to talk to someone about the things you are feeling. Not talking about it makes it spiral out of control and the mini human you just made needs you to be ok enough mentally to take care of him. It will get better but you have to acknowledge it first to work through it.

6) Nothing anyone can tell you, nothing you can read, nothing you watch on youtube can ever really prepare you for having a kid. If anyone could really explain to you what having a newborn is like, the human race would have died out years ago. I thought I was prepared. I thought I knew what to expect. I was completely blown away. It was like jumping into a freezing lake in winter. But guess what? Im alive. My son is too and hes healthy and growing and becoming cooler every day. My husband and I dont have the freedom to enjoy each other like we used to but we are now closer than ever. And we get nights and weekends to enjoy this tiny little person we made together and let him know how great we think he is and how much we love him. So overall, Id rate having a kid somewhere between having your eyes gouged out with a spoon and winning the lottery the day after marrying the person of your dreams in Mexico.

So yeah. Hang in there. It will get better every week. And someday you may be able to come home to a handsome face like this every day.

Happy New Year Players

~Maria & JackAttack

Interview with Cecelia Gimenez

Good Morning People of the World! Ive been extremely absent for many months. Who knew that growing a fetus would make you tired and focus on other things. My good writer friend recently wrote about making yourself write through crappy times or busy times or just don't give a shit times, and I decided she has a point, I should probably write something soon before I forgot how to form basic sentences and start using LOL and BRB in everyday conversation, at which point I would need to just take myself out. Since I kind of enjoy living, I bit the bullet and here we are. We've come full circle. I feel majestic for some reason. Like Simba when Rafiki lifted him over that gorge in whatever form of baptism dirty heathen animals practice.

Ok so I recently read about some shit going down in Spain. Apparently some old broad there took it upon herself to restore some priceless religious artifact that was hanging up in some church slowly decaying and people are going completely insane over her lack of artist ability and destruction of a piece of religious history. She has basically been torn a new asshole for her layman's 'restoration' of this thing, and the country is up in arms over her defacement of the beautiful face of Jesus Christo.  This is what the fresco looked like before CeCe got her shriveled tiny mits on it:

As luck would have it, I was able to lock down an interview with this infamous woman before she is thrown from the cliffs of Castellfollit de la Roca by an angry mob of Catholics. So Id like to give a big Midwest Welcome to the feisty Cecelia Gimenez

M-"Good Morning Cecelia, first of all thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to Skype with me this glorious day"

C-"Eh yes, that's fine, very good. Please be excused from my English. In Espana, the country, she dubs everything. We do not learn the English. I watch the 30 Rock in Spanish, its good, I like woman that eats food products all day"

M-"Oh right, Tina Fey, yeah shes great. So Cecelia, lets get right into it. It seems like you are in a bit of trouble right now with a good portion of your town."

C-"Eh yes. They all very much have the anger at me now. I do not know why."

M-"I think it may have something to do with that Jesus face you took some puff paint to a few days ago"

C-"I don't know what you are speaking about"

M-"Cecelia....... Cecelia, your PR rep agreed this would be a candid, honest interview, a chance for you to clear the air over here in America"

C-"Ok ok ok, keep your hat on your face, I talk I talk. So it happens in this direction. I help out at the church. The priest at the church say to me "CeCe, go fix that wall painting of Jesus Christo" and I say "ok Priest, whatever you say boss" so I take my nieta's Crayola colorwater painting tool, and I do the fixes. No biggie. I just fix the face of Jesus, because I am good Catholic and I do what the Priest he tells me. Now everybody mad mad mad"

M-"So the Priest asked you to do it.Why do you think the priest chose you to perform this special task? Do you have a background in fresco restoration or art history?"

C-"He pick me because he too lazy to do the thing on his own time. Also, I sell the painted leaves with angel faces, animals, whatever you ask for on them on Etsy. I'm thinking that maybe having something to do with this? I don't know, I'm not that Priest, I cant say"

M-"Alright, that makes sense, a Priest, someone you feel has religious superiority over you, tells you to restore a wall painting, and you being the good Catholic you are, do what he says, and make the fixes. Makes sense."

C-"Eh yes that's what happen. I do what he says. I don't need to go to hell for telling Priest 'No, do painting on your own time Priest!' I'm not the uncle of a monkey, I don't sassback to Priest"

M-"Thats understandable. They do carry those stick things sometimes. I imagine getting hit over the head with one would result in a sizeable knot. So how long did it take you to complete this restoration and how long until someone noticed it and the shit hit the fan?"

C-"Ehhhh it take about like 15-20 minutos. I said in other sentence that I paint leaves and sell them on internet. I have pretty good speed at painting now, so it no take that long. I finish painting on Jesus on Tuesday. I start getting phone calling on Friday. It take 3 whole days for people at my church to notice the nice work I do for them. They lack of the respect. Shame on they heads I wish it"

M-"Wow, only 15 minutes? Thats pretty impressive Cecelia. I cant even make myself finish coloring in one page in a coloring book, let alone complete an entire fresco restoration in a quarter of an hour. You got mad skills woman."

C-"Eh yes. I have the skills that are mad. I am good at painting the things. I make many Euros on internet. I no understand why people are having this anger towards myself. I do good work for Priest, for God, for church, for Jesus."

M-"I agree, you were just doing what you thought was right. Sometimes that backfires though unfortunately. So after having time to think this over, are you still convinced that your restoration is a good one? I actually have a copy of the faceJesus right here. I'm going to hold it up to the screen CeCe and then you tell me your thoughts on your work now after the fact, ok?"

C-"Eh yes, ok good, show me the photo picture copy"

M-"Can you see it ok?"

C-"Eh yes. I see it. I see the glowing beauty of the Lord of the Jews and Catholics, Jesus Christos."

M-"Alright, so you're saying that even now, you maintain this is a beautiful painting?"

C-"Eh yes, of course it is beauty. That is the face of a man that saves all of the worlds from the devil and the Mitt Romney"

M-"Oh haha I wasnt aware you were in tuned to the political situation going on over here, but yes, the devil and Romney have some similar qualities, I can understand that comparison. Well Cecelia, you seem like a very strong women, secure in her convictions. You say the Priest told you to do it, and you are somehow convinced that this baby lemur with a neckbeard that you painted is beautiful, so really, who am I to tell you its not"

C-"Eh yes, thank you for understanding the troubles I go through in this time. I do the work that I feel was right, and it makes me hurt in the feelings that the people of the church do not enjoy the glory I paint to the Lord."

M-"Well Cecelia, after an interview like that, I think you should know, America is on your side. Dont let the haters bring you down. You were following orders, to the best of your ability, and most importantly, its a fucking painting on a wall. Nothing to have an aneurysm over considering the current state of the World. So hang in there little mama, things will be better soon."

C-"Ehhh my thanks to the people in the Americas for not getting the anger at me like the people of Espana. I send you some leaves with baby lambs on them in a way to show you my happiness at you."

M-"Sounds great CeCe. Keep on trucking, and have a good weekend"