Etsy--SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY

I don't know at which point one of my asshole friends told me that the money pit called Etsy exists, but Id venture to bet its been a good 8 years that Ive been gracing people all over the world with my hard earned and now my husbands hard earned nickles and dimes. It began as a way for me to support my artist friends but then quickly steamrolled into my current status which Id call a bi-monthly fix. My relationship with this site borders on abusive in that it does things to me that cause me to scream at it, and throw my phone, but then theres this grace period where I cuddle back up to it, and present it with a fresh bouquet of roses and things are sweet and lovely for a while.

Etsy is the Target of the Internet because 100% of its inventory is shit I in no way actually need, but that my heart will tell me I cant live without and before I know it that tiny orange cart in the corner says 3 next to it when all I was trying to do was look up what time TGI Fridays closes on Tuesday nights.

No, Etsy Ap on my phone, ( whats wrong with me ) I do NOT need a "here's more shit we recommend you buy so that your husband flips a table when the credit card bills comes" section. Its not necessary. Knock it off. I already have a problem without you giving me the crack for free.


My main areas of concern:

1) Rings. I have so many silver Etsy rings that Ive run out of fingers to put them on and soon will need to start wearing them on my toes in case I want to look even more like a  Gypsie than I already do.

2) Pendant necklaces that I feel represent me as a person to the extent that if I was forced in a hostage situation to be identified by the jewelry I was wearing anyone who knows me would instantly says "yes, yes they have Maria, that's so something she'd wear".

3) ALL THE WALL ART. PUT IT ALL OVER ME. IF I WAS A STRIPPER ID ASK PEOPLE TO MAKE IT RAIN WITH WALL ART.

4) Tiny animal statues made of anything. I have 2 kids under 5 I cant have nice tiny things, what is wrong with me? I need a room just filled with animal statues I can go meditate in forever.

5)  A kintsugi cup I'm not supposed to actually use. Again, where do I display this without fear of it being destroyed or someone spitting a mouthful of chewed bacon into it (a thing that actually happened in my house)

6) GRAPHIC TEES because I refuse to dress like an actual human adult and I need these shirts to let everyone know how I feel about GoT or Duck Duck Grey Duck.

7) Moscow Mule cups so I can pretend I'm in a Renaissance storyline when I'm drinking ice water

8) Tarot cards to become a fortune teller when I grow up

9) Enough Ceramic/Pottery to open up my own Etsy shop selling other peoples Ceramic//Pottery Ive collected

10) Front back earrings that I will inevitably lose the back to and then have to spend the next 3-4 days frantically searching for and hoping not to find it in my baby's diaper.

11) Hooded sweatshirts with mythical creatures printed on them

12) A spoon with a saying embossed on the scoop that truly serves no purpose whatsoever other than being able to say, hey did you see this cool spoon I own that has words on it?

13) A mermaid tail blanket. I shouldn't have to explain this to you if you don't get it, get on this level.

14) 8 small Japanese glass terrariums that I will for sure end up killing because I never read the directions

15) This fucking sweet lamp made out of a gourd

16) A custom pet portrait

17) A rhino or reindeer mounted head made out of corrugated cardboard that my husband and I will never agree upon a place to hang it so it will sit in my closet sadly for 4 years.


18) Gifts for others...?? Right that's why I logged in the first place



Etsy--I hate you I love you I hate that I love you.

Etsy Sellers--Stop being so creative and beautiful and glorious and way over charging me for something that literally cost you 1/10th of what I bought it for without question.

Husband--I'm sorry. It could be worse, I could be addicted to meth or Kate Spade bags (are those a thing, I think so?) Thanks for working so hard and being so smart that we have expendable income for me to be selfish with.


In conclusion, my Etsy life motto: