Infertility and You

I recently posted to a Mom group on facebook a question involving second pregnancies and stretch marks. The majority of the responses were helpful and nonjudgmental, but because this is the Internet, and people feel they can be assholes to complete strangers, one mother responded that "stretch marks are beautiful reminders of the privilege of carrying a life" in an effort to remind me of what a complete piece of shit I am for daring to desecrate the holy ground that is all things baby. 

That's bullshit. Because there are plenty of things about carrying a baby that aren't wonderful or charming or holy and it should be OK to talk about those things to other women. I understand that the main sentiment behind these stern reprimands is always that because I am able to conceive and carry a child I should just STFU and thank the heavens every day that I am not (hushed whisper) infertile. But what does this sentiment do for women who actually are struggling with infertility besides make them feel even more outcast and alone? Infertility is still, for the most part, a silent struggle for women all over the globe. Not acknowledging the shitty parts of pregnancy doesn't make infertility go away, nor does it do any favors for a woman who is aching to have her own child see nothing but gushing happy sentiments from pregnant people around her. Most people appreciate the genuineness and realness of others. Acting like every woman who is struggling to conceive is in a constant state of fragility akin to spun glass isn't only incorrect, it's insulting. 

I myself, took well over a year to conceive my first child, and we were already set up for specialized testing when my body finally said ok I'll hang on to this one. So while I cant claim to understand what it's like to go through years of dealing with all the emotions involved around infertility, nor do I know the heartache of being told that carrying my own child is not in the cards, I do have a tiny grasp of what it is like to want something so much that others around you seem to be able to grasp without a second thought or any effort at all. It sucks. It can be soul crushing. There are times when you feel like you are at the bottom of a well you will never escape from. On those days, yes, I wasn't my best self. And if I read anything pregnancy related on social media on that day, bad, negative, jealous thoughts would instantly fill my head. But that's not who I am all the time, and that's not how we should define women struggling with infertility. They are stronger than they themselves even realize. Their paths in life will lead them to endings they probably didn't foresee, but that are just as beautiful and fulfilling as the one they originally hoped for. 

So for the love of everything, don't hide your friends or sisters or aunts or cousins dealing with infertility in a box. They don't need your protection. They need your support, your compassion, and your willingness to listen, to not be afraid to be someone they can confide in about what they are going through. Respect their need to discuss and respect their need for silence. Follow their lead. And be ok with treating them like any other woman, aka, its ok to tell them that you aren't in love with your stretch marks and that the Pinterest boards devoted to glorifying Tiger Stripes make you roll your eyes as you struggle to find a pair of fucking yoga pants that fit. Yes Yoga pants. The kind that are made to stretch. Oye.

Infertility Support Links:

http://www.resolve.org/

http://www.fertilityauthority.com/articles/minneapolis-infertility-support

http://www.agiftofmiles.com/infertility-support/

http://fertilitysupportcenter.org/service-programs/infertility-services