What Sarah Said

Christmas lights, snow falling under a street light at night, the sharp smell of winter, and a Kanye West album have all gotten twisted together in the deep neural pathways of my mind that lead straight to you. I cant think of any of these things independently of the others any more. They have become this whirlwind of sounds and feelings and colors with you sitting calmly at the center. Some of these make sense--you loved the holidays and always practically killed yourself to make sure everything was perfect even though you thought it never was no matter how many times you rearranged the tree. The one night in my adolescence when for the hell of it we decided to go walking around in the dead of winter because we both couldn't bear to sit inside watching the way the snow glimmered in the street lights without becoming a part of it. That was your idea and it made me so happy. Ive tried hard to figure out how an entire hip hop album got thrown into the mix as well. It wasn't even released until 2 years after your death, but somehow its there. Whatever emotions it stirs in me fit in with the themes of cold, darkness, colorful lights, glinting snow, a safe place to return to, that I now associate directly with who you were to me.

The morning you died, the nurse called to tell me to get down there as she thought it might be today. Looking back on it, I have no idea how she knew considering you were your normal lively self. Maybe your vitals were forecasting doom and gloom and she being a student of the secret language of the body could see things I couldn't see. Because you were still you. You weren't sitting feebly in bed with your eyes closed. You were talking, gesturing, joking, bitching about the hospital food. You were never someone I didn't recognize. I am grateful for that in a way. That your spark didn't go out until it was absolutely forced to.

When I close my own eyes and picture that day, I see the bright yellow leaves on a rain soaked street outside your hospital room. The grey clouds that covered everything. There was no sunshine. The wind was blowing and hinting at the coldness and darkness soon to come. And it fit. It fit because it was real and because the emptiness outside reflected the emptiness inside myself.

I will never regret being with you as you died. Watching someone die is the most beautiful and horrible thing. There is a sacredness to it. All I wanted, all I really truly wanted was to make sure you weren't afraid. I didn't want you to be scared to let go. So I spoke softly into your ear all the things I thought would help you be brave. I wonder over and over if you could still hear me at that point. I hope you could.

People tell me you are still around me. That you are in heaven smiling down. That you are Jacks guardian angel. That you went to a better place. I want to believe some of those things. I want to believe that the little things I see as signs that some part of you is still conscious that I am your daughter and that I miss you are actually you trying to reach out to me. But if I'm completely honest, all I can say is I don't know. I don't know if you are really there. Or if whatever is left of your spirit even remembers who I am. Its one of those things that I speak into the wind and have come to accept in the not knowing. For whatever reason, we aren't meant to know all the answers. Maybe we never will. What I do know is this: you taught me how to love. The love I show my children is like a whisper from a time when you were still here. Every kiss, every hug, every spoken Its going to be OK is as if you were still standing behind me. I see you in your grandson's smile. In his feistyness. In his unwillingness to back down. And amidst the frustration I laugh thinking of how much you'd love this kid.

So I will go to the place we laid you to rest. And I will sit on the grass and clean the stone and make sure I bring some really colorful fall arrangement that you wouldn't think was tacky. And I will honor the time we had together and the fact that you were my mother. And I will understand what that actually means for the first time as I think about how I feel about my own children. And I will say thank you. Thank you for being my mother. For giving me life. For loving me unconditionally. For being smart and funny and sarcastic and creative. Thank you for being who you were to me.

Infertility and You

I recently posted to a Mom group on facebook a question involving second pregnancies and stretch marks. The majority of the responses were helpful and nonjudgmental, but because this is the Internet, and people feel they can be assholes to complete strangers, one mother responded that "stretch marks are beautiful reminders of the privilege of carrying a life" in an effort to remind me of what a complete piece of shit I am for daring to desecrate the holy ground that is all things baby. 

That's bullshit. Because there are plenty of things about carrying a baby that aren't wonderful or charming or holy and it should be OK to talk about those things to other women. I understand that the main sentiment behind these stern reprimands is always that because I am able to conceive and carry a child I should just STFU and thank the heavens every day that I am not (hushed whisper) infertile. But what does this sentiment do for women who actually are struggling with infertility besides make them feel even more outcast and alone? Infertility is still, for the most part, a silent struggle for women all over the globe. Not acknowledging the shitty parts of pregnancy doesn't make infertility go away, nor does it do any favors for a woman who is aching to have her own child see nothing but gushing happy sentiments from pregnant people around her. Most people appreciate the genuineness and realness of others. Acting like every woman who is struggling to conceive is in a constant state of fragility akin to spun glass isn't only incorrect, it's insulting. 

I myself, took well over a year to conceive my first child, and we were already set up for specialized testing when my body finally said ok I'll hang on to this one. So while I cant claim to understand what it's like to go through years of dealing with all the emotions involved around infertility, nor do I know the heartache of being told that carrying my own child is not in the cards, I do have a tiny grasp of what it is like to want something so much that others around you seem to be able to grasp without a second thought or any effort at all. It sucks. It can be soul crushing. There are times when you feel like you are at the bottom of a well you will never escape from. On those days, yes, I wasn't my best self. And if I read anything pregnancy related on social media on that day, bad, negative, jealous thoughts would instantly fill my head. But that's not who I am all the time, and that's not how we should define women struggling with infertility. They are stronger than they themselves even realize. Their paths in life will lead them to endings they probably didn't foresee, but that are just as beautiful and fulfilling as the one they originally hoped for. 

So for the love of everything, don't hide your friends or sisters or aunts or cousins dealing with infertility in a box. They don't need your protection. They need your support, your compassion, and your willingness to listen, to not be afraid to be someone they can confide in about what they are going through. Respect their need to discuss and respect their need for silence. Follow their lead. And be ok with treating them like any other woman, aka, its ok to tell them that you aren't in love with your stretch marks and that the Pinterest boards devoted to glorifying Tiger Stripes make you roll your eyes as you struggle to find a pair of fucking yoga pants that fit. Yes Yoga pants. The kind that are made to stretch. Oye.

Infertility Support Links:

http://www.resolve.org/

http://www.fertilityauthority.com/articles/minneapolis-infertility-support

http://www.agiftofmiles.com/infertility-support/

http://fertilitysupportcenter.org/service-programs/infertility-services

1

Somewhere between 6:35 and 7:02 I begin to hear the sounds of rustling and tiny calls of nonsense coming from the monitor. It's funny to think that this piece of technology has been running almost nonstop for a year and a half. It's my link to the secret world of what you do in your room when we are away. It feels invasive and I know that at some point it will be turned off for a final time, put into some box or maybe given to a friend who now has need of its services, thankful for its glowing green eye in the darkness. But for now, it sits next to me while I sleep, while you dream, letting me know that you are content and relaxed in a way that I want you to stay for as long as possible. I want for your dreams to remain untroubled for many years to come.

No one tells you that small children can be your friends. Because it sounds weird and laughable. But it can happen. Over the course of almost two years you have changed from this tiny screaming red faced thing that gave me intense anxiety and worry, to this real life, walking, talking, playing person. You have opinions and thoughts and I love that everything new still amazes you in this way that is so special and fleeting. I still have some of that inside me too--Ive never fully let it go, and maybe that's why I am able to consider you my friend.

At the park, you are wearing your new shoes and as you swing you kick your legs out and throw your head back and there's this smile on your face that I wish I could capture forever. Because it is completely real; you are doing it for no other reason than the things you were feeling inside were powerful enough to become an expression of happiness. The sun goes behind a cloud as you yell loudly about the big trucks driving by, as you count to 9, missing 1-3 because they are tricky, and I think about a passage in Slapstick by Vonnegut where people who don't believe or simply acknowledge they don't know if there is a god should address all their correspondence in the form of "To Whom it May Concern"

To Who it May Concern:  If you can feel the vibes I'm sending out, I want you to know that I am thankful for this day, and for this life that I am living.

During lunch I show you how to eat cheese on a cracker instead of separately and your repeated sounds of "cooool" remind me that there is still so much that you have yet to discover. I don't want to ever completely shield you from the hard parts--the pain and sadness and loneliness and anger. You will need those as they are part of it all. But I will be here to help as long as I am physically on this earth. I will be here. That's what being a parent is. A lifelong signed contract in helping make someone into a good person. One that knows their own worth and that they are capable of always moving forward. That is what I want for you. I want for you what I did not have for myself--stability, and an inner mantra of 'No matter what, it is always going to be ok'.

Toddler Life Lessons

Goood Morning people of the world.

At present time and location I am in possession of one male toddler, age one year and 3 months--I am well aware that many people without children hate the usage of months to mark age--so for those who speak kid, one male toddler, almost 15 month old. He can be a pain in the ass, while at the same time being the coolest person Ive ever met. I don't know how, but children of this age have somehow figured out a way to be both adorable and infuriating all within the same second and have mastered doing so without the majority of their actions resulting in being thrown off a bridge. This in and of itself, is an impressive accomplishment. What can we learn from these tiny beings that may make our own adult lives easier? Things, lots of things. I am not suggesting that you need to have or adopt your own kid to learn these life lessons. All you really need is about 8-10 hours with someone under the age of 3. So go borrow your niece or best friends kid and take a full day to bask in all their horrible glory. In his 456 days of outside the womb existence, these are the things Ive learned from my toddler son so far:

1) Hanging on to things is an effective method of refusing to do other things
Their hands shouldn't be that strong. They have the hand strength of a mountain gorilla. It doesn't make sense.

2) Food is meant to be enjoyed, except when it's gross, then it's meant to be scraped off of your tongue and thrown forcefully at whatever is within a 3 foot radius
If food tastes good and you like it, eat it as fast as you can until you choke. Choking is a subtle way of of complimenting the chef. If other people are eating things around you that look like they'd be good, freak out until they give in and let you eat some. If they stop feeding it to you and it was good, scream. If they give you it and it's actually gross, make a disgusted face like they just fed you dog crap, and throw it on the floor. The throw is important because it lets them know that you are really disappointed in them.

3) Scream and flail whenever people try to help dress you
"Did you ask me if you could touch me? No? Here's what happens when you don't respect my boundaries--shit gets real. I was trying to put my finger in this tiny hole in the wall and you think you can just expose me to the world and its elements? Fuck you. You're rude."

4) Lotion and face washing are the exact same thing as being water-boarded


5) If people don't understand what you are saying, become louder, and continue to speak in a combination of Japanese and German
This puts the pressure on them to figure out what you are saying. It's like Catch Me If You Can--confidence wins out over knowledge every time. But you have to stay committed.

6) Climb everything that's more than a foot off the ground because once you get to the top of it you get to sit there and feel great about your accomplishment. 
"Acknowledging the every day small achievements is more rewarding than pining the larger ones that have yet to be" ~Me, in an attempt to sound wise

7) Animals are neato
The dog my son has isn't even overly found of him, yet the boy thinks the sun shines out of that animal's asshole. Squealing and hopping are an acceptable and expected response to noticing any type of creature.

8) Pointing is Universal
Visiting a foreign country? Just point at things. Someone will eventually figure out what you need help with. Tired of walking ? Holding your arms above your head and looking up pathetically should result in being picked up by the nearest kind stranger.

9) Shoes are a tool used by The Man to keep you down
Go barefoot as much as possible. If you live in a cold climate, make sure the days when it is warm, you let your toes reconnect with mother earth. It is also good for pretending you are a street urchin or that you shipwrecked on a desert island. If someone does put shoes on your feet (asshole) make sure you walk funny when you're wearing them and then take them off as soon as you get in the car when no ones watching. That's the only way they (asshole) will understand how much you think they(shoes) suck.

10) There is something to be learned in the act of upending a box of Q tips 27 times in one day
Much like Tibetan monks that practice the art of the Sand Mandala, often times the process is more important than the final result. And other times we are just going to leave those tiny sticks lying on the bathroom floor because we've stopped caring for the day. Either way. Either way is fine.

11) When something is frustrating or disappointing, scream and roll all over the ground
Collapsing into a heap is also acceptable. If you don't physically get rid of your emotions sometimes, they get repressed and you will explode. Like Violet Beauregarde. With less blueberry and more cray.

12) Push all the Buttons
Even if people yell at you. Especially if people yell at you. It is always worth it. You just launched nuclear missiles towards the moon? Worth it. Never refuse the call of the Button.

13) If you find a bit of string or an old sock or some kind of rubber band, the correct way to deal with it is to put it on your head and walk around like you're Ru Paul in Vera Wang. 
You own that shit. You look really good. People are impressed with your ingenuity and confidence.

13a) Alternatively, if you find a bit of string or an old sock or some kind of rubber band, the correct way to deal with it is to put it in your mouth and act like nothing happened
What string? Mouths are a great way of carrying things when your clothes don't have functional pockets.

14) A nice way to wind down for the evening involves running up and down the hallway yelling 'BLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHWAAAAAAHHHHHH' really loudly while your dad is trying to send work emails
It's a pretty well known fact that screaming nonsense at a high volume is on par with quiet meditative yoga and Tai Chi in terms of relaxation. It stimulates your neurons and the neurons of everyone within earshot to release serotonin. I'm surprised you didn't know that.

15) Oh look, you found something with wheels! Push it until it slams into a wall. Oh look you found a box! Push it until it slams into a wall. Oh look, you found a folding chair! Attempt to push it until it collapses and you get hurt
Even though no one will admit it, showing everyone your feats of strength is as equally impressive as seeing Harvard on a resume. It will get you places.

15a) If someone gives you a piece of fruit, squeeze it in your fist until your hand shakes and the fruit is just pulp and a puddle of leaking juices
God, you're impressive. Do you know that? Just really, really a neat person to be around. I know who to call next time that pasta sauce jar is stuck too tight!

16) Opening and Closing things is an art form, and there need to be financed studies dedicated to it
"This door closes. But it opens back up again. Did you see that?? Are you watching? I closed it, but I opened it right back up! Why aren't you impressed with this?? OMFG. The drawers on the night stand open too. Holy shit. This is incredible!! I will live foreverrrrr!!!"

17) Just dance. Always.
Why wouldn't you? The music is right there.

18) When someone asks you to give them a kiss, make sure its open mouthed and that you just ate a banana or something beforehand so its extra slobbery
Aint no one gonna turn down a wet banana kiss. No sane person anyways.

19) You are the coolest. Never forget it
Most kids of this age--that are fortunate and lucky-- have no clue about the crappy parts of life yet. They can act goofy and crazy and just have fun and don't have to give a fuck about what anyone thinks about them. As we age, the art of this becomes lost. So we have to forcefully remind ourselves over and over not to let that inner toddler die.

And if all else fails:

20) When life gets to be too much, walk backwards into the nearest lap and collapse

make animated gifs like this at MakeAGif




Have a good weekend People 


~Maria

2014

It is New Years Eve and as I sit here thinking about what kind of Asian food I want to eat sometime in the next 6 hours since I don't go out anymore because of a child and blossoming hermitdom, I am reminded that this is the time of year where I am given a fresh start on me. As of tomorrow, I should be able to rectify 30 years of trauma, taco bell, break ups, put downs, mistakes, poor judgment calls and summers without sun screen. On January 1st all of that shit can be thrown out the window and I can finally FINALLY be happy with me!!

Unfortunately it doesn't usually work that way. New Years and the accompanying resolutions are like the first bite of Fruit Striped Gum. Your taste buds explode in happiness only to be brought back down to the reality that what you are chewing only tastes good for 4.7 seconds before it turns to dryer lint in your mouth.. I imagine this is what heroin is like. I could be off, my knowledge of hard drugs is solely based off Requiem for a Dream and Trainspotting. Anyways, resolutions are like that. They are momentary blips of I feel awesome, I can do this!!! that fall away as the reality of life creeps back in.  I know there are some of you out there that make a point to change things in your life, and you stick to it. You have gumption and drive and can not understand why everyone else around you can't seem to get their shit together. Good for you, STFU, and go away now please.

For the rest of us, the feelings of unhappiness with ourselves linger long after we've dropped whatever thing we resolved to stop or start doing this new year. For the record I am not talking about clinical depression here. I have been clinically depressed off and on during my life and that is an entirely different beast than the general feeling of low self worth that I am referring to. I think temporary or long lasting feelings of poor self esteem/worth/image is probably just part of the human condition, but with the introduction of targeted advertising and social media it has become this giant invisible elephant on many shoulders. We walk around daily with this weight and pretend that it is not there because it isn't cool or interesting or funny to admit that you don't really like yourself and you don't know what to do about it.

 Its funny because I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life right now. But on the inside I still don't like the me that's there. My external life brings me great joy, and I am at a point in my life where I would like my internal landscape to match. And for the first time, I am realizing that no amount of yoga, or healthy eating, or affirmations, or sticking to a schedule, or uplifting blog posts/videos, or flossing daily, or writing weekly, or cleaning the baseboards, or figuring out how to fucking iron--why is that so hard-- is going to fix what is going on inside. They are temporary solutions to a deeper issue. I don't think I am alone in this. If we are truly at peace with who we are inside, the part of us that actually matters, our actions come from a different place than they do if we are striving for change to match someone else's ideal of what we 'should' be. Real internal changes come with feelings of excitement and eagerness. Your resolutions should make you feel like you are on the way to a party, not waiting in line at the DMV. If they don't, who are you doing it for?

So this New Years my resolution is to figure out how to actually change how I think. Some heavy, deep subconscious navigating. Like I need to go on a vision quest, and maybe find my spirit animal type shit. Because I want to let go of this thing Ive been dragging around with me for over half of my life. As overused as it may be, life is so short. It really is. We have this one tiny microcosm of time to truly experience everything we can, and the older I get the more I realize that everything really does mean everything. Inner peace is not reached through constantly trying to be happy, like a dog chasing its tail. Inner peace or equilibrium or balance or whatever the hell you want to call it simply means accepting whatever your immediate now is with humor and grace. At least that's how I see it. That sounds like it should be easy and maybe it is, but our brains make it way more complicated than it needs to be. I am not religious, but I think if anyone in history has ever come close to achieving this it had to be Buddha. That or he just had access to some really neat drugs.

Who knows if I will figure this out for myself. If I do, I'm sure it will come about in the way I least suspect. I hope your 2014s bring to you what you are searching for.

HNY

~Maria