Jesus Bumpin

Well Hey There! I'm guessing theres at most like 4 of you today since I deactivated from FB and no one will remember about this shitshow of drawings and thoughts unless I post it 75 times a week on my status update. So it goes. I don't really do this for you anyway, I do it because I think I'm funny as hell and I like to reread what I write when I'm bored which is like 83% of the time.

 Alright so today we (all 3 of us) are going to discuss a video a friend of mine sent to me yesterday. I have watched it in its entirety like 6 times, and there are so many things I want to say to this dude, that I figured blogging about it is the best way to release my anxiety over never being able to talk to this guy in person and getting all my thoughts out.

Ok so this video is of a self proclaimed Christian white rapper named B-Shoc. The music video we will be dissecting is for his smash hit "Christ-Like Crusin". **Side Note** I don't give a shit if you are Muslim, or Christian, or a Satanist, or worships Trees. I mock all of you equally. So don't get offended for the love of Jebus. Youtube has been douchey lately and takes 3 hours to load, so don't get pushy; pause the video, and go take a poo, or get the mail, or make a poptart, and then come back and watch it because you dont want to miss any of this gloriousness due to buffering. And there it is. Go!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7cAYV_lVNI

I'm just going to list my questions as they pop into my brain while watching this. I'll put in time stamps so theres no confusion--sorry I don't know how to do that thing where people on reddit or youtube can make a link out of an exact time stamp that takes you right to the place they are referring to. I'm too lazy to learn. It would probably be helpful to have both screens going at once like you can on Macs so you can pause and watch as you go. Ok. Begin

1) 2 second: B-Shoc, why are you sleeping on a pull out couch in what I'm willing to bet is your parents spare bedroom? At least the faux headboard is nice.

2) 4 seconds: WTF your alarm goes off at 10:00am? That must be nice.You must work at Chipotle....or maybe Jimmy Johns. I'll take a #2 no mayo with sprouts.

3) 18 seconds: Nice bootie socks. Who sleeps with socks on? Comunists that's who.

4) 22 seconds: Wait why would you put your hat on before your shirt? Ok woah holy shit. You just poofed your shirt on. What the hell, how did you do that? Can you teach me how to poof-on my clothes too? Can you poof-off them as well? That would be kind of a neat trick. Do you have to have a sick beat bumping for it to work? Because I can make that happen.

5) 27 seconds: Sweeeet graphics man. Its like you're inside a snake. That's rolling down a hill.

6) 29 Seconds: Woah woah woah. Who the hell are these old people? Why is the camera shaking? Did your cousin Steve run out of Adderal before he agreed to be your camera man?

7) 30 seconds: Ok now wait a minute. That's a custom paint job. Why the hell would you pick that god awful color? It looks like pea soup or the bile that girl throws up in the Exorcist. Plus custom work isn't cheap. How did you afford that on your Jimmy Johns Salary? Wait a minute. Its all starting to make sense....you live with your grandparents. Those are the old people!

8) 35 seconds: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn boy. Sweet Rims.

9) 37 seconds: Oh ok that's what your doing? I thought you were "Douche-like Creeping" Sorry my mistake.

10) 41 seconds: Jesus Beats. Can you be more specific please?

11) 54 seconds: Why is your grandpa shaking like that? Is he sick? Should we call 911? Oh wait ok I get it. Your Jesus Beats are so bumpin it's somehow causing localized shaking of your grandfathers armchair. Thats pretty tight yo.

12) 58 seconds: Your car says "Christ-like Cruisin". Were you aware of that? Because you might not be able to see it since you're driving. But its there, like right on the top of your windshield. Did Christ cruise around a lot in a pea green suped-up honda? I don't remember learning about that in CCD. **Side Note** I have no idea what kind of car that is.

13) 1 minute: Ok well now your grandpa is just being rude.

14) 1:02 : Nice under body lighting Bro. Green. I would have gone with blue, but that's just me, I'm old school what can I say? PS-How is it night time suddenly? I thought it was like 10:15am, you just woke up remember?

15) 1:18 : Ok so if aint about the car its about the music that you're choosing, then why are you repping that custom eyesore? Shouldn't you be rockin gramp's Cadillac? And why is it day time again? I'm so confused.

16) 1:24 : Where can I get that fabulous hat? Blinged out Cross Hat. That's what I'm talking about. No I'm serious. I want one. Or do you just have to buy a Bedazzler and make one yourself?

17) 1:31 : God bless your grandparents for being willing to make complete asses of themselves for your music career. You are a lucky man B-Shoc.

18) 1:47 : Oh ok that's how you turn it up. Thanks I was confused.

19) 1:54 : That's a pretty sick dance move. Is it called the B-Shoc? I get it, I see where you're going with it. Because you like bring your fist down every time you say : doomp doomp doomp"  so its like you're pounding on something. No no its cool. I feel you.

20) 2:02 : Wow. You totally went all out. You even paid for the Racing Seats/ Seat Belts. I can see why you said what the hell and just went for the full package. You never know when you might roll your car going 15 mph on a road with no sidewalks in Smalltown USA. Safety first man, safety first.

21) 2:26 : Ok so wait, Jesus is your passenger? Is he invisible.....I don't remember that being one of his super powers....but whatever that's cool I believe you. Is Invisible Jesus wearing a Blinged Out Cross Hat too? I cant see him so I don't know what hes wearing. I hope he is.

22) 2:30 : B-Shoc. I'm sorry dude. But it probably doesn't behoove your street cred to stand in the middle of main street at 9pm showcasing that no shops are open this late and that everyone went to bed 3 hours ago.

23) 2:41 : How did you get permission from Grand Theft Auto to use their backdrop? You better check your shit bro. They could sue you for that, and your grandparents might lose the house and they really don't deserve that after putting up with you for 34 years.

24) 2:48 : Jesus Christ. Again. Probably not the most bad ass to show a middle aged dude on a riding lawnmower as your best friend B-Shoc. I'm sure hes a perfectly nice guy, but his yellow head phones and wranglers don't exactly scream "straight thuggin!!!"

25) 2:57 : Wait you can read? I'm not going to lie, that kind of surprises me. But nice bro. Nice. You get your Bible on.

26) 3:00 : Did you just say"I keep it memplified?" Did you mean amplified? I'm so confused. Again.

27) 3:07 : Awwwwwwww shit someone called the popo on you homie. Just keep it cool, keep it cool. Tell Invisible Jesus to make your car fly or something. That pig wont know what hit him.

28) 3:12 : Ok this is the kind of thing that makes me depressed as fuck to get old. What is grandpa doing? I think hes attempting to make it look like he is going to spray your car with the hose, but see the problem is the water is only shooting out like 2 feet and hes kind of wobbly on his feet and I would really just feel a lot better if you told him to sit down and take a breather because Im kind of concerned this whole acting thing is just getting him too worked up.

29) 3:28 : Awww yeeeeeah the B-Shoc again. You should really patent that shit before Soulja Boy gets a hold of it.

30) 3:30 : Ok this is getting OC. Granpa threw down his rake and is flagging you down. Shit is about to go down.

31) 3:42 : So...you just hand him a burned CD titled "Jesus Music"? That doesn't seem very professional. Maybe if you didn't spend 3 hundo on that "Christ Like Crusin" Decal you would have been able to put a little more production value into your CDs instead of writing on them in magic marker.

32) 4:05 : I'm beyond words. Why are you making grandpa do this, B-Shoc? Why? God he must really love you. He doesn't even know how to clap anymore. I'm so depressed right now.

33) 4:09-4:21 : Who are you giving the peace sign to? Is Invisible Jesus giving people the peace sign as well? Or is he ghost riding the whip?

In honor of B-Shoc, I'm going to stop at 33, which is the age Jesus was when he died--for all you heathens out there. To sum up, I have no problem with people being faith-filled and loving their god and wanting other people to feel the same way. That's fine whatever. That's kind of how I feel about Arrested Development. But you need to know, that if you are going to make a low budget video featuring your grandparents in an attempt to make Christian Music seem hood, I'm going to make fun of you. I'm sorry, I really cant help it.

Peace

~Maria