Magazine Interview: A Dateline Exclusive...except not really, I dont want to get sued

Happy Friday Everyone! I recently realized that there is a little thing called a Stats tab on here and that the information in there is very interesting. Apparently people in 13 different countries read the crap that comes out of my head on a regular basis, which is amazing to me. Granted, I have friends abroad currently, which accounts for about 5 of those countries, but lets be honest, we all know I have no friends in Canada, and there seem to be 5-6 people there that somehow found this site, so to them I say, thank you! And to anyone in any of those other countries that I don't actually know, thank you as well. I hope the things I write on this page will make you dislike America less, hooray! PS-Canadians, I was just teasing. I have no friends in Canada only because I have like 3 1/2 friends total in the entire North American Continent.

Alright so I was at the store picking up groceries and I was waiting in the check out line and started looking at the magazines lining the check out counter. And I was confused as to when all magazines morphed into varying versions of the National Inquirer, and why I wasn't ever consulted about this. I honestly don't remember it being this bad ever before in my existence. There used to be like one or two trashbag magazines that no self respecting cultured person would purchase but everyone nonchalantly glanced through in line. Now, there are like one or two self respecting magazines, and the rest are all complete fucking garbage. See?:

*Side Note** There is an unusually large space at this top of this particular MS Paint image because I used screen shot and forgot to cut out the top of my browser window which showcased all my Favorited sites as well as my personal email info, so haha, lucky for me, too bad for you, I caught that before posting this publicly. Maria FTW.

Anyways, as you can see, useless, sensationalized, irrelevant bullshit about famous people who could care less about whether or not you care about their lives is what sells apparently. And overall, this doesn't surprise me, but it does make me sad. Now I'm sure there are some of you out there getting offended at the fact that I seem to be insinuating you are stupid for purchasing these types of items as reading material, and on the one hand, you would be correct. But on the other, bigger hand, I do know that everyone has a weakness for things that aren't particularly good for them, or especially mentally stimulating, and that's ok. What I have a problem with, is if this type of publication is the only thing you read, or the only information you care to know about the world outside your doorstep. Because guess what? There's some crazy shit going on all over the world and it would behoove you to pay attention.

So, I decided I would take a few moments today to ask these Magazines some questions about current affairs, since they have taken on lives of their own, and are more than willing to be interviewed by a humble blogger such as myself. Begin.

First up, we Have In Touch September 2010:

September 2010: "Well Maria, I'm so glad you asked! This issue is one that is very near and dear to my heart. I think it's pretty clear to everyone who knows anything about anything, that America's financial problems would all magically disappear if celebrities would just stop leaving the house without any makeup on. I mean, no one wants to see Sarah Jessica Parker without foundation or mascara. Shes hard enough to look at as it is. My theory is that the uglier our celebrities appear, the less likely other countries will be willing to loan us money to help pay off our insurmountable debt, so duh, the solution is pretty simple. Plus the more makeup people buy, the more stimulation our economy receives, so its really a win win all around! Ha, and I thought you were going to ask me a hard question!"
Me: " Alrighty then. Thank you for that thought filled reply"


Next Up, Star May 2010:

May 2010: "wOOOHOOO!!! Im just so stoked to be here!!! Allllrighhhhhhttt" "Wait what was the question again?"
Me: "How do you feel about the new Healthcare Bill?"
May 2010: "I think it stinks"
Me: "Can you expand on that thought a little further?"
May 2010: "Well everyone knows that the Obama's home life is really shitty, so I think he was probably in a pretty messed up place when he came up with all that stuff. Plus J-Lo is beating up Marc Anthony and I'll be damned if my hard earned tax dollars go towards his ER visits. Plus I heard hes probably illegal, and I work too hard to be paying for people gettin in here illegally."
Me: "Have you actually looked at what is proposed in the Bill at all?"
May 2010: "Hell no, I don't have time for that shit, but hey, guess what did you hear Jen finally got a ring? I feel so bad for that little lady, always playin second fiddle to some big boobed floozy like Angelina Jolie. Its downright shameful"
Me: "Ok, any closing thought on this topic?"
May 2010: "Yeah, ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT WOOOHOOO"


Now presenting, Cosmopolitan, November 2010:

November 2010: "What Oil Spill?"
Me: "There was a huge Oil Spill that started back in April of this year. Hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil poured into the Gulf of Mexico for months unchecked. The fishing and shrimping industries in the surrounding areas were devastated, not to mention the physical damage done to Oceanic and Coastal Wildlife across the world. It was a pretty big deal. You didn't hear about it?"
November 2010: "No. I was probably busy doing one of the hundreds of things that I know how to do to please a man. Sexually. I'm talking about sex."
Me: "Ok. Well, that's interesting, but now that you know about the spill, whats your first reaction to it?"
November 2010: "I would have sex with it."
Me: "You would have sex with the oil spill."
November 2010: "Yes. Sex solves everything. Pleasing your man is the most important thing in the world. Being fun and flirty and sexy and uninhibited drives men wild. It makes your life worth living."
Me: "But the oil spill isn't a man. Its a man made disaster. You cant please it sexually or otherwise."
November 2010:" HA! That's just because you don't know all the ways to please an oil spill. I do. I'm Cosmo. I'll please that oil spill so good it wont ever forget the name Cosmopolitan November 2010!!"
Me: "I think we're done here."


And finally, Star July 2010:

July 2010: "Weapons of Mass Destruction huh? There's a few Weapons of Mass Destruction on my cover page if you know what I'm saying"
Me: "Right. Anyways, does it concern you to know that North Korea's leaders have less than friendly feelings towards the United States during a time when they are suspected of creating vast amounts of nuclear warheads?"
July 2010: "Wait, so you're saying that people think North Korea might nuke us at some point?"
Me: "Well that's the fear, yes."
July 2010: "Would this nuke kill all of the fat celebrities?"
Me: "Ummm, yeah. It would kill millions of people if detonated in a highly populated area."
July 2010: "But the fat ones will for sure die too?"
Me: "Yes."
July 2010: "Well then I really don't see what the big problem is here. No one likes fat celebrities. They're gross. And probably smell. In fact we should be thanking North Korea for being willing to use one of their missiles on our fat celebrities so that we don't have to waste any of our own. Its actually really thoughtful of them."
Me: "You do in fact understand that potentially hundreds of thousands of people could die, and millions more would be affected by the radiation fallout that these bombs leave in their wake."
July 2010: "Are you deaf? If it kills fat celebrities I'm for it. End of discussion."
Me: "Thank you for your time."


In conclusion, read these terrible wastes of paper if you must, but please at least turn on the BBC every once in a while or type in Current World Events on Google to see whats going on outside your sphere of existence. Thank you.

Have a super weekend players.

~Maria