The Curse of The Sweaterpuppies

Gooooooood Morning ! Hope your Holiday festivities were lovely, and that your New Years Plans are fun and don't involve you throwing up in a bathroom or wandering Downtown alone looking for a cab that will never come. Remember: safety in numbers. My New Years Resolutions are to not miss a Friday posting, and to not eat fast food more than once a month. Both of these resolutions will most likely be broken within 6 weeks. So it goes. Good luck to you on your Resolutions, hopefully you can last longer than my inevitable failures.

Alright so this posting is going to be about Boobs. Specifically my own boobs. There will be actual photo graphical evidence as well. I'm warning you now so that you can stop reading if it offends you, or so that if you are into boobs you can send the link to this posting to everyone you know. Either way, I understand.

For those not aware, I'm a towering 5 foot 2 inches tall. And at the present moment am sporting a set of 32 D's. These, while at first glance may seem awesome, are in actuality a giant pain in my ass for a number of reason, and have been since graduating from high school. If you'd like to find out why, keep reading. Shall we begin? We shall.

Reasons Why Having Big Boobs Isn't That Awesome


1) I'm 5'2. Having a Big Chest makes me look like a Carmel Apple on a Stick.
Models and Actresses and Porn Stars that are 5'6 or taller can get away with having big tits. The length of their torsos and waists balance it all out so they don't appear too top heavy. I on the other hand have a torso the length of a stick of gum, and thus look like I'm going to fall over if there's a slight breeze. 2) There are certain clothes I can't wear without looking like a prostitute.
For my smaller chested sisters, the following items of clothing all look super cute and fun and flirty on a warm summers day: Tube tops. Camis. Triangle Bikini Tops. Halter Tops. Strapless Dresses. Low Cut Dresses. Any Item of Clothing that requires you to Not Wear a Bra. For me, if I try buying something cute and fun to wear in the summer, I end up looking like I just got off the early morning shift at the Vu. Why? Because having big boobs is automatically equated with being hyper sexual. I can wear the exact same shirt as a friend with a B Cup and look 75% more slutty than she does. 3) Everyone Thinks They're Fake
Everyone. If I received a dollar for every time a now good friend told me that when they first met me they were 100% sure I had fake boobs, I would have $7. It's not so much that I care that people think they are fake-which in a backwards way is kind of a compliment-but rather that people don't believe me when they finally get around to asking if they are or not. I had a random man-stranger in a bar tell me that I needed to get over myself and just be proud of my obvious surgical enhancements-but in a less articulate way and more along the lines of "those tits are so fake, wear em proud girl!" This was as I was walking out of the bar. He didn't know me at all. We didn't do the awkward standing in line waiting for a drink convo. He just felt it was necessary to shout this at me as I was leaving. The 47 other people exiting the building all turned to verify if my tits were indeed fake. Fun times!

4) Golfing is impossible.
I'm serious. Look at any famous female golfer....I think there's like 2 or something. Neither of them is packing anything higher than a B. Why? Try having a good golf swing when you have to place your arms on top of an extra foot and a half of chestiscle. It doesn't work. I found this out at a driving range sophomore year of high school and was instantly pissed off. Driving ranges are supposed to be fun and easy and relaxing. For me they are filled with frustration, embarrassment and shame.

5) Exercising requires me to wear 15 bras.
Do I have to wear this many? Of course not. I do it so that I don't look like a Baywatch commercial. Contrary to popular belief, I actually don't like drawing attention to myself through how I physically look. I'd rather you think I was funny or kind of intelligent. So to keep gawking down to a minimum while exercising, I wear a regular bra with underwire on bottom, an elastic sports bra over that, and then either a sports tank with a built in bra, or a wife beater with a t-shirt on top of everything. As one can imagine, my chest doesn't move. Its like they're frozen in time. It is glorious and makes me feel less self conscience. I could probably take a bullet and not feel a thing.
6) Nice Bras are fucking pricey
I already hear you saying I don't have to buy a $65 bra at Victoria Secret and to stop my bitching. The thing is, I do have to buy that bra because its the only one that will successfully rein in the monsters. I once bought a bra at Target. **Side Note** for the record I actually love Target and get 60% of my clothes there. Just not bras anymore. See next sentence for details. So I bought this Target bra because I was tired of spending so much money at VS. And it seemed nice and good enough. It was light green which reminded me of moss and summertime and I think that's what really sold me on it. So I wore this bra to a Horseback Riding class I took for my PE credit in college--I know I'm the coolest. After about 15 minutes of trotting, I notice the left side of my shirt seemed a little loose. A few more minutes of trotting and I realized that my left bra strap had broken under the strain of containing my boob while bouncing vigorously over an extended amount of time, and that my left can was flying freely about my shirt like a flock of doves released at a wedding. I finished the class with as much dignity as I could muster and vowed to never again purchase a bra from anywhere but VS.

7) I have to work really hard to prevent saggage
Its just science. Gravity and whatnot. I very rarely go without a bra, because I am determined to not end up like my 4ft 7in grandma whose chest reaches the waistband of her jeans. I have been told by every women age 35 or older that this is inevitable and that after you have a kid, they turn into flapjacks. I disagree. I think I can fight this through the close to constant usage of a bra with an underwire and positive thought. Only time will tell. The bigger they are, the longer they have to grow. You just remember that ladies when you are bitching about not having any cleavage. In 15 years your chest will still resemble a body part and not a sock full of quarters, so be thankful.

8) The Dreaded Side Boob
I have heard that this happens only if you have a bra that doesn't fit properly. I don't know if that's true or not, but most dresses, tanks, and swimsuits that I own produce it. And it looks weird. And vaguely skanky. Celebrities can get away with this, but when your average woman has it, it just looks like your clothes shrunk or that you are too cheap to buy clothes that fit properly. Which in my case is probably true, but still.
9) Big Boobs make you look Fatter than you actually are
This is 100% true. I watched a Show on MTV Called True Life: I'm getting plastic surgery, and there was this one chick on there that was getting a reduction of her triple D's. She was not over weight and had a nice figure other than her large chest. After her reduction which brought her down to a big B, everyone interviewed that knew her before the surgery just assumed she lost weight. Not one of them guessed she had a reduction. So unless you are 95 lbs and over 5'5, your large chest is going to make you appear candy coated, even if you aren't. My height and combined chest size make me appear to have a BMI of around 37. I'm not really overweight, but at first glance you might think otherwise. Its like a mirage.

10) They are distracting
Both men and women will stare at my chest because they are there and they are perky and because you don't expect either of those things from someone of my stature. And then I watch them trying not to stare, which is awkward because then I have to pretend that I don't notice them trying not to stare and the whole ordeal makes me feel very weird and uncomfortable. And on top of that, if I'm saying something even remotely interesting, I better not have any cleve showing because it's going to distract you and I'm going to notice your eyes flick downwards quick and then that's going to throw me off, and make me lose my train of thought, and then I'm going to get pissed that your inability to sustain eye contact with me has now caused me to appear inarticulate and flustered. And I might cry. Not really, but it does make me uncomfortable.


So there you have it folks. Big Boobies aren't all they are cracked up to be, no matter what you hear or see on the Internet or television. Smaller Chested Ladies: be proud of what you've got. Bigger Chested Ladies: invest in some strong supportive underwires and hope for the best. Surgically Enhanced Ladies: Yours will always be perky, just be careful not to pop them.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

Love,
Maria

Magazine Interview: A Dateline Exclusive...except not really, I dont want to get sued

Happy Friday Everyone! I recently realized that there is a little thing called a Stats tab on here and that the information in there is very interesting. Apparently people in 13 different countries read the crap that comes out of my head on a regular basis, which is amazing to me. Granted, I have friends abroad currently, which accounts for about 5 of those countries, but lets be honest, we all know I have no friends in Canada, and there seem to be 5-6 people there that somehow found this site, so to them I say, thank you! And to anyone in any of those other countries that I don't actually know, thank you as well. I hope the things I write on this page will make you dislike America less, hooray! PS-Canadians, I was just teasing. I have no friends in Canada only because I have like 3 1/2 friends total in the entire North American Continent.

Alright so I was at the store picking up groceries and I was waiting in the check out line and started looking at the magazines lining the check out counter. And I was confused as to when all magazines morphed into varying versions of the National Inquirer, and why I wasn't ever consulted about this. I honestly don't remember it being this bad ever before in my existence. There used to be like one or two trashbag magazines that no self respecting cultured person would purchase but everyone nonchalantly glanced through in line. Now, there are like one or two self respecting magazines, and the rest are all complete fucking garbage. See?:

*Side Note** There is an unusually large space at this top of this particular MS Paint image because I used screen shot and forgot to cut out the top of my browser window which showcased all my Favorited sites as well as my personal email info, so haha, lucky for me, too bad for you, I caught that before posting this publicly. Maria FTW.

Anyways, as you can see, useless, sensationalized, irrelevant bullshit about famous people who could care less about whether or not you care about their lives is what sells apparently. And overall, this doesn't surprise me, but it does make me sad. Now I'm sure there are some of you out there getting offended at the fact that I seem to be insinuating you are stupid for purchasing these types of items as reading material, and on the one hand, you would be correct. But on the other, bigger hand, I do know that everyone has a weakness for things that aren't particularly good for them, or especially mentally stimulating, and that's ok. What I have a problem with, is if this type of publication is the only thing you read, or the only information you care to know about the world outside your doorstep. Because guess what? There's some crazy shit going on all over the world and it would behoove you to pay attention.

So, I decided I would take a few moments today to ask these Magazines some questions about current affairs, since they have taken on lives of their own, and are more than willing to be interviewed by a humble blogger such as myself. Begin.

First up, we Have In Touch September 2010:

September 2010: "Well Maria, I'm so glad you asked! This issue is one that is very near and dear to my heart. I think it's pretty clear to everyone who knows anything about anything, that America's financial problems would all magically disappear if celebrities would just stop leaving the house without any makeup on. I mean, no one wants to see Sarah Jessica Parker without foundation or mascara. Shes hard enough to look at as it is. My theory is that the uglier our celebrities appear, the less likely other countries will be willing to loan us money to help pay off our insurmountable debt, so duh, the solution is pretty simple. Plus the more makeup people buy, the more stimulation our economy receives, so its really a win win all around! Ha, and I thought you were going to ask me a hard question!"
Me: " Alrighty then. Thank you for that thought filled reply"


Next Up, Star May 2010:

May 2010: "wOOOHOOO!!! Im just so stoked to be here!!! Allllrighhhhhhttt" "Wait what was the question again?"
Me: "How do you feel about the new Healthcare Bill?"
May 2010: "I think it stinks"
Me: "Can you expand on that thought a little further?"
May 2010: "Well everyone knows that the Obama's home life is really shitty, so I think he was probably in a pretty messed up place when he came up with all that stuff. Plus J-Lo is beating up Marc Anthony and I'll be damned if my hard earned tax dollars go towards his ER visits. Plus I heard hes probably illegal, and I work too hard to be paying for people gettin in here illegally."
Me: "Have you actually looked at what is proposed in the Bill at all?"
May 2010: "Hell no, I don't have time for that shit, but hey, guess what did you hear Jen finally got a ring? I feel so bad for that little lady, always playin second fiddle to some big boobed floozy like Angelina Jolie. Its downright shameful"
Me: "Ok, any closing thought on this topic?"
May 2010: "Yeah, ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT WOOOHOOO"


Now presenting, Cosmopolitan, November 2010:

November 2010: "What Oil Spill?"
Me: "There was a huge Oil Spill that started back in April of this year. Hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil poured into the Gulf of Mexico for months unchecked. The fishing and shrimping industries in the surrounding areas were devastated, not to mention the physical damage done to Oceanic and Coastal Wildlife across the world. It was a pretty big deal. You didn't hear about it?"
November 2010: "No. I was probably busy doing one of the hundreds of things that I know how to do to please a man. Sexually. I'm talking about sex."
Me: "Ok. Well, that's interesting, but now that you know about the spill, whats your first reaction to it?"
November 2010: "I would have sex with it."
Me: "You would have sex with the oil spill."
November 2010: "Yes. Sex solves everything. Pleasing your man is the most important thing in the world. Being fun and flirty and sexy and uninhibited drives men wild. It makes your life worth living."
Me: "But the oil spill isn't a man. Its a man made disaster. You cant please it sexually or otherwise."
November 2010:" HA! That's just because you don't know all the ways to please an oil spill. I do. I'm Cosmo. I'll please that oil spill so good it wont ever forget the name Cosmopolitan November 2010!!"
Me: "I think we're done here."


And finally, Star July 2010:

July 2010: "Weapons of Mass Destruction huh? There's a few Weapons of Mass Destruction on my cover page if you know what I'm saying"
Me: "Right. Anyways, does it concern you to know that North Korea's leaders have less than friendly feelings towards the United States during a time when they are suspected of creating vast amounts of nuclear warheads?"
July 2010: "Wait, so you're saying that people think North Korea might nuke us at some point?"
Me: "Well that's the fear, yes."
July 2010: "Would this nuke kill all of the fat celebrities?"
Me: "Ummm, yeah. It would kill millions of people if detonated in a highly populated area."
July 2010: "But the fat ones will for sure die too?"
Me: "Yes."
July 2010: "Well then I really don't see what the big problem is here. No one likes fat celebrities. They're gross. And probably smell. In fact we should be thanking North Korea for being willing to use one of their missiles on our fat celebrities so that we don't have to waste any of our own. Its actually really thoughtful of them."
Me: "You do in fact understand that potentially hundreds of thousands of people could die, and millions more would be affected by the radiation fallout that these bombs leave in their wake."
July 2010: "Are you deaf? If it kills fat celebrities I'm for it. End of discussion."
Me: "Thank you for your time."


In conclusion, read these terrible wastes of paper if you must, but please at least turn on the BBC every once in a while or type in Current World Events on Google to see whats going on outside your sphere of existence. Thank you.

Have a super weekend players.

~Maria

Winter and stuff

Morning lovely people of the world. Lets get going since Ive been bad the last 3 weeks.

Most of you are probably aware that it is Winter in the Midwest. Which means that there are a ton of things you have to remember to do to ensure that you don't freeze to death. As of the last 7 days, the average temperature in the Twin Cities has been around 15 degrees. And if you are from Florida or Sri Lanka or something and have never experienced what 15 degrees or less feels like, it feels like this:
You turn into a fucking zombie. Its like you have lost all body hair and fat and your limbs don't want to move correctly, and your face feels like its about to fall off. Every breath you take in makes your lungs burn and all you can think about is how to get to wherever you are going faster. Its not very pleasant. And every year you wonder aloud to friends, neighbors and random strangers in the elevator why you are living in this god forsaken state. And yet, here we are again.

So.

I have devised a list of things to do to survive the next 5 months. Because really, no one wants to die of exposure. It's not a very pretty way to go, plus I heard once on Law & Order that the last stage of Hypothermia involves you believing that you are super hot so you take off all of your clothes and die naked frozen to a tree or something. Which is just depressing on so many levels. So don't let that be you. Because I have enough stuff to worry about without trying to fit your naked frozen funeral into the mix. Begin.

1) Dress in Layers. If you don't look at least 50 lbs overweight in your clothing, than you aren't dressed warm enough. If you are going to be outside for an extended amount of time i.e., over 5 minutes, you should look like this when you leave the house:
You should appear to be bald, overweight and sexually ambiguous. Really, in weather this cold, no one is going to be checking you out outside anyways, so don't let vanity be the reason you had to get 4 blackened toes removed.

2) Kicking off the snow/ice buildup from behind the back of your tires has been statistically proven to decrease the likelihood of you getting into an accident.
Not really. I just really really really like doing this. It brings me a satisfaction I cant quite explain. Remember how Holden wanted to be the Catcher in the Rye? I want to be the Kicker of the Snow. Like, if I could get paid to go around and kick all the snow off of people's cars, I think my happiness quotient would raise at least 60%. **Side Note** I just looked up the word quotient and the definition has to do with math so I'm fairly certain I didn't use it correctly here. Sometimes I just pick words that sound cool. You'll learn that. In conclusion, if you need your tires removed of snow, give me a jingle.

3) Don't park in a snowbank. Even if its closer to your end destination.
This is a tricky one, because on the one hand, parking closer to wherever you are going seems like a better way to ensure that you wont freeze to death en route. This is a fallacy. If you park in a snowbank, you will get stuck. There is a reason that meter spot next to the bar was yet unclaimed when you pulled up at 12:23: because no one wants to be the asshole trying to get their car unstuck after bar close.....like me last weekend. If it weren't for a few good friends that waited to see if I could get out before driving away, and the kindness of a very large stranger that didn't demand sexual favors for helping my dumbass at 2 in the morning, I would have died right there in that spot. So find a place to park that is free and clear of snow. Its safer in the long run.

4) You should have an Ice Scraper in your trunk year round.
Really. Because sometimes it snows in May. And it sucks to have to try and wipe snow off with your hands, and then if you are a midget like me, you get snow all over your coat when you have to lean across the car to reach the middle of the windshield, and then when you go to sit down in the car, snow gets all over your seat and you are not only sitting in a freezing car, but are now privy to wet pants as well. And scraping ice with a credit card is both impossible and looks ridiculous. So knock that shit off. I don't even feel bad for you.

5) Putting plastic on your windows helps...even though it is a giant pain in the ass.
If you have nice new windows that seal tightly, please disregard this one. The windows in my home look as if they were made sometime in 1972. And the genius who laid out the floor plan in this house decided that every single vent should be positioned directly next to a outlying window or door. I'm serious. It's so ridiculous it makes me cry. So every year we go through the fun process of putting up plastic. No big surprise here, I'm terrible at this. I despise measuring anything, and my arms aren't long enough to stretch the plastic all the way across the windows.
Just because I'm bad at this doesn't mean that you should be too. It does make the room like 10 degrees warmer. So just do it already. Plus you will save on your heating bill and mother earth will thank you for slowing down the process of draining away all her valuable resources.

6) Invest in some good slippers. Its socially acceptable to bring them with you to people's homes. I don't care how many pairs of socks I have on, my feet will still be fucking ice cold during the winter unless I'm wearing slippers. Maybe its psychological or an early warning sign of my poor circulation which may result in heart disease later in life. Either way, I need those bastards on my feet to feel even remotely comfortable when its really cold out. Feel free to purchase slippers you enjoy. Icetoners are bunk. I myself prefer straight up white bunny slippers. Its like having a friend on your feet at all times.

7) The colder it gets, the lazier you will get. That's ok. Embrace it.
Even animals put on weight and only want to sleep when its cold outside. Its science. So if the fact that the sun goes down before you're even walking out to your car in a 17 below windchill makes you want to eat 5 papa Murphy's pizzas and then sleep until April , don't feel bad. It happens to me too. And all those assholes that you see running outside or biking in this weather will get theirs. Mark my words. They will get theirs when I finally muster up enough energy to throw a snowball at the back of their heads. Take that. And look, the very act of me throwing a snowball was the most movement I participated in in the last 4 hours. So really, its a win/win.
So that's it. I'm sure there are more, but I just got really sleepy and am contemplating going to pick up Applebee's carside to go, so 7 is all you get. In conclusion, stay safe, stay warm, and always have faith that spring will come again.

Love and kisses

~Maria