Becoming a Parent

Alright so its been weeks and weeks and probably even months and months, but I am still here. Here as in alive. In case you were wondering. Exactly 50 days ago I gave birth to a healthy big ass baby boy. Aside from telling you that labor is fucking insane for 95% of first time moms, I will not burden you with the details because no one really gives a shit about your birth story except you and other women who are just waiting for you to finish talking so they can tell you their own birth story.

Since the moment that little critter was free of my womb, I have felt just about every emotion known to man and have been in various states of nervous breakdown from a minor inkling of pending anxiety to full out holy shit there is no way I am going to make it 5 more minutes without my heart exploding or my brain shutting down permanently. Overall, Id say 50% of my time has been spent seriously questioning my sanity.

I have had 50 days to think about how I want to write about the process of becoming a first time parent, and its been tough because unless you express to the world that you are the glowing specimen of motherly perfection, people wonder what the hell is wrong with you. As a woman, you are supposed to take on this motherhood thing with grace and gentleness and unconditional love and devotion to your new offspring all with an angelic smile on your face. And even if you arent feeling all of those things all of the time or even some of the time, you arent supposed to talk about it because the majesty of meeting something you grew like a CreepyCrawler inside your body for 9 months is supposed to overpower any feelings of self doubt, frustration, or shame.

In my case, this was far from reality. And Im guessing in many first time mom's cases, it is also far from reality, but due to social convention you probably never heard them tell about the crappy times. Or if you did, it was months and even years after the fact when they were at a perspective where they were able to laugh about it all and even look back on those really crazy, intense times with fondness and even longing. I wanted to give the perspective of someone who is still very much in the trenches, but whom after 50 days finally feels like shes on stable ground again. SO because I have probably 5 minutes before the monster wakes up and wants to eat again, Im going to list things Ive learned so far about being a first time parent


1) Put down the books. Turn off the computer. Go to a few classes, but only because they are kind of fun to do with your life partner. In reality, everything you need to know about the basics in caring for your infant you can learn by simply paying attention to the damn thing. This sounds so simple, but in my case was/is super difficult to do. I have wasted so many hours looking up shit online in an effort to figure out what Im doing wrong as a mom or what must be wrong with my kid instead of just PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS CUES. What a concept! I promise once you catch on to this things become 100% easier. This is something grandmas know inherently and they are very good at it, so look to them for advice on becoming more present for your mushball.

2) For certain babies and then subsequently their first time parents, the first two weeks can be hell. Especially if you had a traumatic labor experience. Maybe you will have one of those babies that whimpers quietly a few times when hes hungry, or makes a few tiny peeps to let you know she is uncomfortable  Congratulations! and also I hate you. If your future children are anything like my son, they will fucking scream bloody murder the first 2 weeks until you finally figure out what the hell you are doing and how to meet all of their needs. And really, I dont blame them. I become a horrible person to be around if I havent eaten or am really overly tired, so it only makes sense that 'intense people begot intense infants.' Ezekiel 15:5

3) The life you had before will disappear for a while.....maybe even for forever. You have to accept that. If you arent ready to, then wait a few more years before having kids.Honestly, this has been a really hard one for me. I guess I never realized how much I liked doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. I thought my life would remain the same, except Id have a cute little happy tiny person with me while I was doing it. I think that some day this will definitely be the case, but I was quite delusional in the timeline of me gazing lovingly at my adorable baby sitting calmly in his swing while allowing me to complete an entire session of Physique 57 after starting 3 loads of laundry and putting a roast in the crockpot 5 weeks post partum.

3a) What my life actually looked like at 5 weeks post partum: After 3-4 hours of sleep total, I alternate between trying to pump enough milk every 3 hours, trying not to fall asleep, changing diapers, trying not to fall asleep, washing pumping equipment, feeding bebe on demand, walking bebe on demand, entertaining bebe on demand, trying not to fall asleep, and sitting on the couch. Lots and lots of couch sitting. Sometimes I remember to eat and go to the bathroom. A lot of the time I feel really bored and sluggish and daydream of the times at work where I could go for walks to the copy machine without thinking about keeping someone else alive. But as time has passed I get about 2 hours of smiling and laughing a day too from a tiny creature that looks like me which is pretty awesome and amazing.

4) Your body changes after birth no matter what you do, no matter how much you will it not to. Your stomach doesnt magically go back to sexy within 2 weeks. It looks like a deflated balloon. You may get stretch marks that dont go away. Your perfect boobs lose their oompf. If youre breast feeding or pumping, your nipples hurt. Your nether regions can become a source of  major depression. To sum up, unless you are rich or a celebrity, you wont be entering any bikini contests right away. Thats ok. You can get your shit back together. Im not telling you this because I already have, but rather because Ive seen it done. I know its possible. I cling to that fact as I sit on my couch-glued ass typing this while dreaming of the day I will get 57 minutes to work out uninterrupted.

5) Having a kid will be the ultimate test in whether or not youve chosen the correct life partner. Luckily for me, I did. My husband has been 100% my life saver. He has helped me out of debilitating anxiety attacks, reocurrence after reocurrence of self doubt, and on again off again days of intense depression. He is amazing with our son and has stood by me through my worst. I wish for you the same luck I have had. If your partner is anything less than amazing, turn to friends or family for the emotional support you need.

5a) Post Partum Depression is a very real, very common thing even if you feel like its not. You are not alone. It can manifest as either anxiety or depression or both and lasts past the first month. I still have days where I know Im not completely out of the woods with mine, but do not hesitate to talk to someone about the things you are feeling. Not talking about it makes it spiral out of control and the mini human you just made needs you to be ok enough mentally to take care of him. It will get better but you have to acknowledge it first to work through it.

6) Nothing anyone can tell you, nothing you can read, nothing you watch on youtube can ever really prepare you for having a kid. If anyone could really explain to you what having a newborn is like, the human race would have died out years ago. I thought I was prepared. I thought I knew what to expect. I was completely blown away. It was like jumping into a freezing lake in winter. But guess what? Im alive. My son is too and hes healthy and growing and becoming cooler every day. My husband and I dont have the freedom to enjoy each other like we used to but we are now closer than ever. And we get nights and weekends to enjoy this tiny little person we made together and let him know how great we think he is and how much we love him. So overall, Id rate having a kid somewhere between having your eyes gouged out with a spoon and winning the lottery the day after marrying the person of your dreams in Mexico.

So yeah. Hang in there. It will get better every week. And someday you may be able to come home to a handsome face like this every day.

Happy New Year Players

~Maria & JackAttack

Interview with Cecelia Gimenez

Good Morning People of the World! Ive been extremely absent for many months. Who knew that growing a fetus would make you tired and focus on other things. My good writer friend recently wrote about making yourself write through crappy times or busy times or just don't give a shit times, and I decided she has a point, I should probably write something soon before I forgot how to form basic sentences and start using LOL and BRB in everyday conversation, at which point I would need to just take myself out. Since I kind of enjoy living, I bit the bullet and here we are. We've come full circle. I feel majestic for some reason. Like Simba when Rafiki lifted him over that gorge in whatever form of baptism dirty heathen animals practice.

Ok so I recently read about some shit going down in Spain. Apparently some old broad there took it upon herself to restore some priceless religious artifact that was hanging up in some church slowly decaying and people are going completely insane over her lack of artist ability and destruction of a piece of religious history. She has basically been torn a new asshole for her layman's 'restoration' of this thing, and the country is up in arms over her defacement of the beautiful face of Jesus Christo.  This is what the fresco looked like before CeCe got her shriveled tiny mits on it:

As luck would have it, I was able to lock down an interview with this infamous woman before she is thrown from the cliffs of Castellfollit de la Roca by an angry mob of Catholics. So Id like to give a big Midwest Welcome to the feisty Cecelia Gimenez

M-"Good Morning Cecelia, first of all thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to Skype with me this glorious day"

C-"Eh yes, that's fine, very good. Please be excused from my English. In Espana, the country, she dubs everything. We do not learn the English. I watch the 30 Rock in Spanish, its good, I like woman that eats food products all day"

M-"Oh right, Tina Fey, yeah shes great. So Cecelia, lets get right into it. It seems like you are in a bit of trouble right now with a good portion of your town."

C-"Eh yes. They all very much have the anger at me now. I do not know why."

M-"I think it may have something to do with that Jesus face you took some puff paint to a few days ago"

C-"I don't know what you are speaking about"

M-"Cecelia....... Cecelia, your PR rep agreed this would be a candid, honest interview, a chance for you to clear the air over here in America"

C-"Ok ok ok, keep your hat on your face, I talk I talk. So it happens in this direction. I help out at the church. The priest at the church say to me "CeCe, go fix that wall painting of Jesus Christo" and I say "ok Priest, whatever you say boss" so I take my nieta's Crayola colorwater painting tool, and I do the fixes. No biggie. I just fix the face of Jesus, because I am good Catholic and I do what the Priest he tells me. Now everybody mad mad mad"

M-"So the Priest asked you to do it.Why do you think the priest chose you to perform this special task? Do you have a background in fresco restoration or art history?"

C-"He pick me because he too lazy to do the thing on his own time. Also, I sell the painted leaves with angel faces, animals, whatever you ask for on them on Etsy. I'm thinking that maybe having something to do with this? I don't know, I'm not that Priest, I cant say"

M-"Alright, that makes sense, a Priest, someone you feel has religious superiority over you, tells you to restore a wall painting, and you being the good Catholic you are, do what he says, and make the fixes. Makes sense."

C-"Eh yes that's what happen. I do what he says. I don't need to go to hell for telling Priest 'No, do painting on your own time Priest!' I'm not the uncle of a monkey, I don't sassback to Priest"

M-"Thats understandable. They do carry those stick things sometimes. I imagine getting hit over the head with one would result in a sizeable knot. So how long did it take you to complete this restoration and how long until someone noticed it and the shit hit the fan?"

C-"Ehhhh it take about like 15-20 minutos. I said in other sentence that I paint leaves and sell them on internet. I have pretty good speed at painting now, so it no take that long. I finish painting on Jesus on Tuesday. I start getting phone calling on Friday. It take 3 whole days for people at my church to notice the nice work I do for them. They lack of the respect. Shame on they heads I wish it"

M-"Wow, only 15 minutes? Thats pretty impressive Cecelia. I cant even make myself finish coloring in one page in a coloring book, let alone complete an entire fresco restoration in a quarter of an hour. You got mad skills woman."

C-"Eh yes. I have the skills that are mad. I am good at painting the things. I make many Euros on internet. I no understand why people are having this anger towards myself. I do good work for Priest, for God, for church, for Jesus."

M-"I agree, you were just doing what you thought was right. Sometimes that backfires though unfortunately. So after having time to think this over, are you still convinced that your restoration is a good one? I actually have a copy of the faceJesus right here. I'm going to hold it up to the screen CeCe and then you tell me your thoughts on your work now after the fact, ok?"

C-"Eh yes, ok good, show me the photo picture copy"

M-"Can you see it ok?"

C-"Eh yes. I see it. I see the glowing beauty of the Lord of the Jews and Catholics, Jesus Christos."

M-"Alright, so you're saying that even now, you maintain this is a beautiful painting?"

C-"Eh yes, of course it is beauty. That is the face of a man that saves all of the worlds from the devil and the Mitt Romney"

M-"Oh haha I wasnt aware you were in tuned to the political situation going on over here, but yes, the devil and Romney have some similar qualities, I can understand that comparison. Well Cecelia, you seem like a very strong women, secure in her convictions. You say the Priest told you to do it, and you are somehow convinced that this baby lemur with a neckbeard that you painted is beautiful, so really, who am I to tell you its not"

C-"Eh yes, thank you for understanding the troubles I go through in this time. I do the work that I feel was right, and it makes me hurt in the feelings that the people of the church do not enjoy the glory I paint to the Lord."

M-"Well Cecelia, after an interview like that, I think you should know, America is on your side. Dont let the haters bring you down. You were following orders, to the best of your ability, and most importantly, its a fucking painting on a wall. Nothing to have an aneurysm over considering the current state of the World. So hang in there little mama, things will be better soon."

C-"Ehhh my thanks to the people in the Americas for not getting the anger at me like the people of Espana. I send you some leaves with baby lambs on them in a way to show you my happiness at you."

M-"Sounds great CeCe. Keep on trucking, and have a good weekend"

Summer Fashion Tips

Well Hey there everybody! I hope this morning finds you well. The first official day of summer was yesterday, and that means the time has arrived for us to have the talk. And frankly, it probably doesn't even apply to 95% of the 4 of you that read this because I'm getting old as fuck, and I'm assuming most of you are also old as fuck, and the people that tend to need this talk are all young looking and junk. But I digress. We need to discuss some basic rules I came up with as a middle schooler about how to dress comfortably during  the warmer months without looking like a complete skank.

*Side Note* Its likely I have referenced this topic before in previous posts, but because Blogger's system for categorizing previous posts was developed by a partially stepped on potato bug, I cant find whatever the hell post I was looking for to verify, so if this is a repeat, pretend like Im a stand up comic and you like me so much you followed me to the next city over to see the same act you saw last month **Side Note to the Side Note** Holy shit do not go look up potato bug in google images. You will throw up. I was talking about the rolly polly looking things that are all flat and grey and segmented and that come out of cracks in the sidewalk or from under rocks.

So we all understand that early summer in the Midwest equals lots of blindingly pale skin showing through varying degrees of cotton and spandex and whatever they make swimsuit tops out of. And if you are anything like most of the perverts I know, then this fact may get you all wound up and eager to begin creeping around University bookstores and local popular lake hang out spots with a pair of dark sunglasses and a creatively hidden way to take pictures on your phone without looking like you are taking a picture with your phone.

 And you may be thinking "shut the F up Maria, we like our women and men loose and crazy looking, don't tell them anything that will make them second guess giving us free peep shows 3 months out of the year." I can only say to you, I'm sorry. Someone needs to pass on the torch of knowledge. I cant let this revelation die with me. It must be shared. 

The reason I give a crap if young, or middle aged or old people walk around with their butt cheeks hanging out of the bottom of their shorts or their nipples cresting over the tops of their size 2 tanks is simple. I feel like there is a fine line between sexy and tramptastic, and that more people need to understand that it's not that difficult to still look hot without showing everyone the side of your vulva whenever you bend down to tie your shoe. Or more importantly, that if you are going to let your lady bits fly in the wind in public, then for the love of Freddy Mercury, please don't show me your tits at the same time. And herein, lies my point, the secret to my success:

THE ONE AND ONLY RULE FOR NOT LOOKING LIKE A TRAMP DURING THE SUMMER, REGARDLESS OF AGE:

~Only feature one set of assets per outfit~

Thats it. Its that simple. Think of your body as divided into 3 sections, like so:

These 3 sections are your Fun Zones. These are the areas you can decide to either accentuate, ignore, or hide. I would advise you to take a hard and realistic look at yourself and understand what in fact is your best Fun Zone, and once that is established, remember that this area is the one where skin being shown will be the least offensive or most boner inducing to the general population. Once you've determined your feature Fun Zone, you can begin planning outfits accordingly.  Lets look at some examples of what not to do, and perhaps the mantra above will become clearer to you. 

Here we have Wendy, who seems to have just woken up and is now on the hunt for some Malox and Funyuns to help her start her 3pm off right. I notice first off, that Wendy has some very nice and shapely legs.  She can get away with wearing those daisy dukes, even if her butt cheek is peeking. So for Wendy, we would say her best Fun Zone, is the Lower. Unfortunately, Wendy decided to instead accentuate her Mid and Top Fun Zone by wearing the least supportive swimsuit top she could find behind the dryer and by then layering it with some type of device used to strain shrimp out of creeks. This is not doing Wendy any favors. Lets move on.

Here we have Fiona, who after consuming 12 Zima with Limes decided to take a quick nap in the bottom of an elevator shaft. Upon first glance, I would say that Fiona has some lovely tatas, and that her best Fun Zone is the Top. They seem to be of a nice shape and still full and perky. Fiona made a wise decision when she decided to feature her Top Fun Zone by wearing a very low cut, brightly colored tank. Where she went wrong is when she made the choice to pair that top with her 6 month old infant sister's jean dress, and a 3rd graders Oxford that she found on the bus after that group of private school kids got off at the Museum.

And finally, we have Zeke and Marlon (left to right) I'd like to start out by saying that Marlon looks wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing. He knows that his best feature are his long legs, which he accentuates by wearing a lovely, dark colored skinny jean. Kudos Marlon, you know your shit. Zeke on the other hand, needs a little help. We notice that Zeke has a very nice Mid Fun Zone, which is generally the hardest one to pull off. It is slim, muscular, and has minimal hair growth; a perfect specimen for Mid Fun Zone showcasing. But Zeke went one step too far when he put on that child sized tiger striped hoodie. There's just too much Zeke skin showing, and I now have no desire to guess at whats under those suede pantaloons since I feel like Ive gotten the milk for free. A better choice could have been a simple cut off white tee, or a broken in brown leather vest, worn open without an undershirt.


And so now you know. Showcasing too many Fun Zones at once, or the wrong ones can be disastrous. The results can range from sexual crimes to loss of friendships to natural disasters. If you take one thing away from the post, let it be this: You don't have to show all the goodies all the time. Instead of wearing a dress 5 sizes too small that makes your boobs touch your chin and your bottom wink at passersby, try discussing the current political situation over in Egypt, or how black holes are formed while wearing a tube top and full coverage jeans. You may find that mental stimulation is a better lure for attracting a mate that isn't a douchebag than wearing a full Juicy Couture tracksuit any day.

Thanks for stopping by. Have a lovely day

~Maria