Behind the Pup Tag---Paw Patrol Expose

My 3 year old recently started watching Paw Patrol, and can I just say that the pups and all of Adventure Bay can seriously just fuck right off. After watching literal hours of this mind excrement, I have come up with my own theories on what I think the reality is behind every one of these imaginary animals and their human companion.

**WARNING** This may offend you. I dont care, this is just your trigger warning so I cant get sued.

CHASE

From his over-eagerness to use his SWAT vehicle, to his beloved Spy Drone, it's not too difficult to surmise that Chase, one of the most called upon and rule abiding members of the Paw Patrol, is actually at his core, an undercover NSA operative and Nazi sympathizer. It is rumored that his great great grandfather was a patrol dog along the Polish/Germany border back during WW II, so its safe to say he grew up hearing a lot of fucked up pro Aryan brotherhood propaganda. He is unable to sleep without the lights on, although no one has ever been able to get him to open up about this. Why he is allowed to remain in the Paw Patrol is still a mystery but its telling that he is frequently left out of group facebook event invites and was the only pup not present at Zuma's daughter's Quinceanera. 

SKY

While undergoing basic training at the air force academy, Sky was injured in a freak accident when a propeller broke off a grounded plane and landed on her back as she was passing underneath. She underwent months of physical therapy and in the interim period became seriously addicted to prescription pain medication. Knowing she was unable to kick her habit and being unable to keep her on the roster as an addicted cadet, her commanding officer wrote her a letter of recommendation for the Paw Patrol as he recognized her immense talent and knew that flying was the only thing holding her together mentally. Ryder is aware of Sky's addiction problems but as long as she doesn't do anything illegal in public while wearing her Pup Tag, and makes sure to keep her nose clean during flight, he allows her her vices. She is often seen smoking lonely cigarettes behind Everest's cabin. She says the cold is one of the only things that makes her feel alive anymore.

EVEREST

Pictured here in her hometown village of Voskresenskoye, Russia, Everest is a former KGB operative who went AWOL after her 179th kill. She grew up a simple girl, who dreamed of one day owning her own bakery in Moscow. No one really knows what led her down the path of trained assassin, but one thing is clear--she was god damn brilliant at her job. She wanted to get as far away from that lifestyle as possible, so she ended up in Adventure Bay USA, a hardened woman looking for whatever kind of redemption there can be for murderers. Being unable to relate to any of the other pups and their trivial problems, she lives in an isolated log cabin, with her lover, Luke. Luke is probably the only other person in Adventure Bay that's experienced even close to what Everest has in terms of general life tragedy and violence, as he was raised as a part of a missionary family in Sierra Leon. He was forced to watch his entire family's brutal murder at the tender age of 9 and then was recruited into a child solider army for the next 5 years until he was rescued by a Red Cross volunteer group who stumbled upon his camp. Everest is his shining light in an otherwise bleak existence. They spend most of their time smoking fat joints and eating brick fire pizza to numb the pain. We dare not judge those who hath witnessed so much. 

MARSHALL

Continually the butt of the pup's jokes and known for his eternal clumsiness, Marshall actually suffers from a genetic disorder called Dyspraxia. His bumbling and tumbling isn't just for comic relief--he literally can not control his body movements as there is a disruption in the way his brain sends signals to his body . He has yet to let the other pups know about this, and instead prefers to allow them to think he enjoys being the class clown. He joined the Paw Patrol to help inspire others with this disease into pursuing jobs and hobbies that involve movement and athleticism. His catch phrase "My highly trained paws are at your service" is his own version of dark humor. He and Sky have had an on again off again relationship that he has been working hard to make more serious if Sky is able to buck her addiction. "I cant fully love her until she fully loves herself" he was overheard saying to Rocky after having one too many Bud Lights at the local tavern. 

ROCKY

Rocky is the only pup that is court mandated to be a member of the team as a requirement of a plea bargain deal. He suffers from an extreme case of hoarding that has landed him in several treatment centers and jail. He has lost 3 homes and most of his family to this debilitating condition. He is making progress living with the team, but we are privy to glimpses of his internal struggles like when he gave Farmer Al shit that one time for trying to throw away a rusted bucket full of holes--it's in these moments that we truly feel his pain. The pups are aware of his issues and are not allowed to keep trash of any kind on the premises for more than 48 hours. Almost everyone is supportive in helping Rocky come back to some semblance of normalcy, only Chase finds this disorder to be a "total crock of shit". 

ZUMA

Zuma is of Central American descent and made his way north to Adventure Bay after having successfully jumped the fence somewhere on the Texan/Mexican border. He had a cousin working for cash in a town outside Adventure Bay and decided to try his luck there in the hopes that he would one day raise enough money to get his wife and 2 children into the US through legal channels. Ryder's parents found him outside a home depot and hired him to be their gardener. After several days it became apparent that Zuma's talents far outweighed simple horticulture, and Ryder's parents suggested he apply for the open position with Paw Patrol. Ryder liked him immediately and after hearing Zuma's story, assigned him to the water position as being near the water reminds Zuma of the small fishing village he left in search of a better life for himself and his family. Ryder has been helping him with paperwork in becoming a legit citizen of the United States.  Sky was able to pull some strings with her air force connections, and Zuma was reunited with his wife and two daughters late last March. They live in a modest apartment on the shore of Adventure Bay and Zuma commutes to work daily on his hovercraft. 

RUBBLE

As the only openly gay member of the Paw Patrol, Rubble works hard to promote GLBTQ acceptance in the areas in and around Adventure Bay. It was slow going at first, but as people have gotten to know Rubble and seen the result of his tireless efforts to save people, there has been some real positive momentum, with Mayor Goodway instating a yearly GLBTQ appreciation parade that was like a toned down version of PRIDE. During a recent bodybuilder competition, Rubble was charged with doping allegations which he vehemently denies. The scandal was a big one but word on the street is that people are favoring Rubble's side of the story that Mayor Humdinger and the Catastrophe Crew may have been behind the syringes found in Rubble's gym bag. It is known that Chase and Rubble are lovers, but Rubble is understanding in Chase's reluctance to come out given his insanely conservative upbringing. Rubble's dream is to one day leave the Paw Patrol. marry Chase, and open a small gym somewhere in Arizona. 

RYDER

Ryder has been institutionalized for the past 17 months in a maximum security mental hospital at the request of his grieving parents for an inability to connect with objects and people in the real world and an obsession with an imaginary town called 'Adventure Bay' with the accompanying delusion that he is the leader of a rescue team of talking, vehicle driving puppies that never age. His parents were forced to make this heart wrenching decision after several of the neighborhood dogs went missing and  Ryder was found by police with the dogs holed up in an abandon water tower. It was documented that during his arrest Ryder kept shouting "If you're in trouble, just yelp for help!!" to anyone that would listen. Charges in the dog abductions are currently pending. 

I may be going to hell. Probably, I'm probably going to hell.

Have a lovely day you sexy mini muffins

Love,

Maria

Grocery Shopping in just 47 simple steps!

1) Decide to go grocery shopping

2) Put it off for 3 days

3) Wake up on morning of 4th day and say fuckkkk we have to go today for sure

4) Think about what we should have for dinner for the next 7 nights

5) Become too overwhelmed and decide to plan for 3 nights

6) Spend a cumulative total of 45 minutes looking for new recipes to try

7) Become too overwhelmed and decide to make 2 of the 5 go to meals that are on rotation every 9 days and focus on only one new meal 

8) Begin to make list on paper because every time you do a list in your phone you end up dropping the god damn thing while trying to juggle cart pushing and you are one screen crack away from Sudden Instant PhoneDeath Syndrome

9) Begin the 25-45 minute process of getting 2 small children and yourself ready to do anything outside your home

10) Go back upstairs 14 times for the things you forgot to bring down the other 13 times

11) Get everyone in the car

12) Go back inside for grocery list you left on counter

13) Go back inside for epipens you left on counter

14) Go back inside for kid snack you left on counter that's a necessity because its almost fucking noon and by the time you finally get backed out of the driveway they will both be yelling because they are hungry

15) Drive to grocery store

16) Extract both kids from vehicle

17) Carry 50lbs of kid into store

18) Wait 3 minutes while oldest child picks out the right car cart to ride in

19) Strap baby into baby seat, make sure oldest put his seat belt on to prevent unplanned escapes

20) Obtain groceries, place into cart

21) Backtrack 7 times because even though you have a list you still manage to either:

a) forget to write things down that you think of in store

b) get distracted and miss items actually on the list because you never bring a pen to cross items off

22) Unload groceries onto conveyor belt

23) Pay for groceries

24) Pack up groceries into many small bags

25) Put small bags into cart

26) Argue with older child about why he cant eat a raw potato while leaving store

27) Push cart out to car

28) Unload children into car hopefully with as little reenactment of Fight Club scenes as possible

29) Unload groceries into car

30) Return cart to cart corral

31) Push all the other shittily put back carts all the way to the back of the corral because we are a god damn majestic species not a hovel full of crap slinging monkeys you garbagepeople so lets start acting like it FUCK

32) Get into vehicle

33) Take 25 second brain nap from sensory overload 

34) Drive back home

35) Begin to unload groceries from car with kids still strapped in--this is crucial. Leave them restrained or you will add 47 more steps to the list

36) Set all 15 bags on counter because you will gladly break fingers to not have to make multiple trips

37) Extract children from car

38) Remove outdoor clothing from children

39) Begin to hastily start throwing things on plates for lunch as children whine 

40) Turn on movie to lull them into a quiet stupor while eating before the milk spoils on the counter

41) Begin to unpack groceries

42) Realize the fridge and pantry need to be decluttered

43) Declutter them while putting away new items and stacking dirty tupperware on counter because the dishwasher is full of clean dishes 

44) Look around at the piles of shit everywhere and take 15 seconds to cry silently in the bathroom 

45) Get third wind 

46) Put away the last items with a triumphant gleam in eye

47) End Scene: Grocery level complete

Halloween Teal Pumpkin Pride

Food allergies are probably kind of a joke to you. Maybe in your mind it evokes a similar reaction to hearing someone say their kid gets gas from gluten. You nod and smile and internally roll your eyes. You then briefly wonder why food allergies seem to be becoming a parenting "fad" and don't remember even knowing one kid with a food allergy when you were young. You think these parents must be helicopter moms and dads or overreacting busybodies with nothing better to do than sit at a PTA meeting and plead for a peanut /treenut free classroom for their precious snowflake. And you think "Who the hell are you to ask my kid to forgo their PB&J? My kid LOVES PB&J its the only thing she eats and here you are saying she cant bring one to school? No. Nope sorry honey, not going to happen. How about you just watch your kids yourself huh? Why don't you just be an actual parent and explain to them that they cant eat things with peanuts?! So what if they cant read labels, you should be able to show them every single thing that may contain peanuts and train them to just not eat it! And Halloween? Are you stupid??? Its freaking Halloween for christs sake!! Why should I have to buy stickers or nilla wafers on the off chance your little tike decides to stop by my door?? He can get a snickers bar like everyone else and should know better to not eat it. If he cant handle that responsibility, then don't let him go trick or treating, duh! In fact, you probably should just home school him as well, or better yet, confine him to a bubble in your basement.


I want you to know I've tried writing this from a humble perspective and from a logical focus and from a pleading lens but its Oct 30th, we are one day away from Halloween and after reading enough stupid shit on the internet to make my head explode, I decided fuck it, I'm just going to be me and if this pisses you off or offends you or annoys you, I really don't care.

My youngest kid has one confirmed food allergy. We found out when he was 9 months old after his doctor told us to try giving him peanut butter for the first time. I went home that day and gave him less than a cm worth on an M&M sized piece of bread and he instantly went into what I later learned was the beginning of an anaphylactic reaction. It was terrifying and even more so because he didn't really look that bad, but I could tell something was very wrong. After being sent home from the ER without any medication administered or any testing done I realized that this shit, this having a food allergy business, if confirmed, was going to be a constant uphill battle with the rest of the nonallergy having world. Testing done the following day at his normal doctors office confirmed my fears a week later--he was highly allergic to peanuts and what he experienced was a serious reaction.

We were told to remove all peanut products and possible peanut products from our home. That meant any product made in a facility that also processes peanuts isn't safe due to the possibility of cross contamination. We were to always carry two epipen injectors with the baby at all times, where ever he goes, even if its just across the street. Epipens are a lifesaving way to quickly inject a person with epinephrine, a drug that helps halt a serious allergic reaction in its tracks. The faster one is used, the better chance the person has of preventing the life threatening stages of anaphylaxis. We were to avoid ice cream shops, Asian restaurants, and bakeries as they are the most common places to have accidental ingestion of peanuts. We were going to have to get used to telling friends and relatives no you cant just feed our kid without checking with us first. We were going to have to eagle eye every playground, playplace, splashhpad for signs of kids eating peanut butter, or peanuts, or candy with peanut filling and then pray to all the gods that we neutralized the threat before our allergic kid accidentally toddled over and picked up that Reeses wrapper and shoved it down his throat.

We were told to basically be on terror level red at all times for the rest of his life, unless we are one of the lucky families, and hes one of the 20% of kids that outgrows it. So, there's an 80% chance this is our and his new normal for the rest of his life. The rest of his life. Let that sink in. My kid may have to be constantly on alert for signs that he may die from simply doing something he has to do every single day to survive--eat. You convince a teenage boy to carry an epipen with him at all times. You try to get a grade schooler to truly understand why she cant eat the rice krispie treats all her friends are eating at the birthday party. You explain to a toddler who loves eating everything that isn't nailed down why his world is actually a minefield. This isn't just about fear for parents, its about having to literally teach your own child to be afraid of food enough to take their allergy seriously, but equally empower them so that they can function in a relatively normal way at the same time. Because parenting is all sunshine and rainbow farts without that on top of it.

You look me in the eye and tell me now that its ridiculous for parents of food allergy kids to ask other adults to please take simple steps every once in a while to try and keep their food allergy kids safe. 1 in 13 kids in the US has a confirmed food allergy, a diagnosis that has steadily risen over the past years. These kids aren't 1 in a million, they are in your neighborhoods, your churches, your sports leagues, your schools. If the trend continues, and the numbers continue to rise, it is only a matter of time until your own family or friend's family is impacted as well. Before my son's diagnosis, I didn't get it either--you never really do until its your own kid.

So for anyone out there that thinks this is whats wrong with our country today and that everyone is too sensitive and that want me to bow my head and feel embarrassed for asking for help in keeping my kid and other kids safe:

For everyone else that is offering toys instead of candy or painting a pumpkin teal or simply not being a judgey POS regarding food allergies, a giant thank you very much, you do not know how much you are appreciated by these kids and parents.

For more information on food allergies visit http://www.foodallergy.org/


Happy Halloween to all y'all out there big and small