Some things I think about

1) I really do not know what I would do if I were to lose the majority of my face in a grill explosion or chimpanzee mauling or mistaken identity acid bombing. I think that as a courtesy to others I would need to wear some type of head covering. Because whenever I see stories on TLC about people that survived a fire all I can think is what a complete fucking crock of shit it is that you not only have to live with what has been described as the one of the most painful injuries known to man, one that never completely stops hurting, but on top of it you now look like a fucking monster. That's just bullshit.

2) How long do redwing blackbirds live? Does bird time feel like human time? Is 3 bird years the same as 80 human? I hope so. It already feels like we don't get enough time here, imagine if you were a fucking bird.

3) Why are there no female chefs at Benihana? What do I need to do to become one? I don't want to buy an $875 knife but I'm pretty sure that's got to be a requirement.

4) In public I make a point to not look at my phone while waiting for things even though it feels uncomfortable at first because what really feels uncomfortable to you is being alone with your thoughts and if that's the case then you are already fucked from the get go.

5) The universe is unbelievably mind blowingly crazy. I hate that I cant see it from where I live, not really anyways. I need to get to a place where I can.

6) If someone ever tries to steal my car with my kids in it, I think jumping on the hood and using the screwdriver I need to start keeping in my pocket to smash the windshield will scare the thief enough to pull the car over and run. Out crazy the crazy. It is the only way.

7) I want to know all the different ways to disable different large animals if they are attacking me or someone I love. Or just like even. Like, supposedly you punch a shark in the nose to get it to fuck off. Do you choke out a puma? I mean either way, you're going to get fucked up, but it'd be nice to know the best chance Id have at getting the thing to go away.

8) Where the hell am I supposed to keep my cell phone in my car that wont result in it being flung through the god damn windshield in an accident? In my bra? Because its not very helpful in case of emergency if its 138 yards away in a ditch puddle.

 9) I sometimes honestly do not comprehend how any of us survived toddlerhood. Like between acting like a complete asshole that by any other human standard would warrant being left in a cornfield, to knowingly jumping off the bed onto a sideways laundry basket, it really boggles my mind.

10) When I know that severe weather is on the way, I always put on my tennis shoes. I have a storm survival box with food/diapers/water/dog leash/phone charger/band aids/flashlight/radio, etc etc, but you better bet your ass that if your house gets flattened and you need to climb out of wood and cement and glass and nail filled rubble that you're going to be happy you decided to put something solid on your feet instead of a god damn flip flop.

11) I try really hard not to judge the conversations of people at coffee shops. Its difficult.

12) I loath when parents make their small children jog with them. They are fucking 8 years old. They don't need to go for a god damn run. If you are raising them right they should still have the metabolism of a dormouse and wont need to begin jogging until their mid to late nevers. Just knock it off. Put them on their bike for Christs sake.

13) Being a parent is really really hard at times. But kids are awesome. They don't give a fuck. They just live. They are inspiring. Plus taking care of something that completely jump starts your maturity. Its a good thing over all. I recommend it.

14) I love coins and whenever I hold one I think about who touched it and how many places its been and what kind of crazy shit has it seen. Coins are the inanimate flies on the wall of our lives. They probably see all kinds of fucked up shit. On your nightstand could be the nickle that was in the cup holder of OJ as he drove his white bronco into the sunset. I bet coins just naturally become pervs because of all the sex they witness. Also don't you dare ever spend a Sacajawea dollar. They are the closest we have to real treasure and should be treated thusly.

15) I know tacobell isn't real Mexican food but I love it for what it is just as much as I adore authentic Mexican cuisine. B) Taco bell is the fast food establishment that's made me sick the most, yet it remains in my heart and in my craving bank. I got sick off thin mints once when I was like 7 and I cant even smell them without wanting to vom. Black magic TB. You evil temptress.

16) Car horns are for honking. Like, that is their main function. IDK if its a Midwest thing but I'm the only person I know who uses their horn at least every other day. Ive gotten really good at using it for different corrections based on the duration of the beep. I'm honking to let you know you need to get your shit together in some way. No need to thank me.

17) Real life calorie counting is so incredibly depressing I cant believe there are people out there that do not have to do it out of medical necessity that continue to and can actually get out of bed in the morning. Fuck that. Thats why I have a fitbit. I walked 10,000 steps today mother fuckers and burned 2500 calories, I can eat this entire pizza by myself!!! I WILL LIVE FOREVERRRRRRR

18) If you enjoyed this let me know. I could do this shit all night. My brain never stops.

19) Love you love buggies

~Maria