Gorilla....I just cant.

 Bruno Mars is an interesting dude that is only 3 inches taller than me and was born in Hawaii which explains his flawless caramel skin tone. Over the last few years hes steadily risen from being featured on pop tracks to having much of his new album played on mainstream radio across the globe. Unlike many pop stars of the day, he actually can sing live, thus proving he does have some innate singing talent for which we should probably be grateful.

I will admit to liking Heaven a lot. It made me sing scream loudly in the car when it used to be played 9 months ago and made me feel feelings which any good song will do.

But the newest radio release--at least new here in the Midwest-- 'Gorilla', makes me want to bang my head against the steering wheel into unconsciousness every time I am unlucky enough for it to fall upon my delicate ear holes. Its not the singing, its not the beats. Its the horrible horrible lyrics that are rage inducing.

Don't believe me? Here let me provide you with this:

Ooh I got a body full of liquor with a cocaine kicker and I'm feeling like I'm thirty feet tall
So lay it down, lay it down

You got your legs up in the sky with the devil in your eyes
Let me hear you say you want it all
Say it now, say it now

Look what you're doing, look what you done
But in this jungle you can't run
Cause what I got for you
I promise it's a killer, you'll be banging on my chest
Bang bang, gorilla

Ooh Ooh Yeah You and me baby making love like gorillas
Ooh Ooh Yeah You and me baby making love like gorillas

Its not the overtly graphic sexual content. I can handle that. Its that its so unsubtly done. I feel like I'm reading text messages between a 17 year old that just got his first girlfriend and his friends who he is bragging to about all the crazy sex he and GF are having... aka one time they did it on the floor lolomg! Come on now. If you want to write a song that makes actual adult women interested in having sex, you have to be smoother in your delivery. You just blatantly telling me that we are going to make love like gorillas reminds me of this:

and now all I'm thinking about is these goofy fuckers running around in monkey costumes. I think I might be ok with the lyrics if they weren't sung in such a sweet, loving, ballad-like manner. You just cant sing "You'll be banging on my chest bang bang Goooriilllla" in the same way you'd sing the lyrics to "More than Words". It doesn't work. Its confusing. My brain doesn't know whats happening or how to process this. What are you intentions?? I don't know.

It is possible to do sexy songs subtly. The best ones don't even tell you they are about sex! You have to infer it, like finally seeing the T-rex in a magic eye book, once you understand it, you cant unknow it and that makes it all the more magical.

I have a few favorite subtle sexy songs that Bruno and his co writers should check out before they decide to create a monstrosity like Gorilla again. And if I haven't dated myself enough already with references to More Than Words, and Magic Eye images, here are 3 songs that if you were born after 1990 you've never heard of!

1) Fiona Apple--Criminal

Summary: Shes cheating on her boyfriend. Probably a lot and with different people because she a like a the sex. She never even tells us that, but we know it. She knows it. And its sexy because its bad.


2) George Michael--Freedom

Summary: This was George Michaels coming out song. After years of having to live a lie, he wrote this masterpiece to tell the world hes gay and fuck you if you don't like it. There is absolutely nothing sexier than a person who is 100% ok with who they are and not afraid to say it. Having a bunch of sexy models in your video slinking around probably helps too.



3) Sneaker Pimps--6 Underground

Summary: There was a lot of debate around what this song is actually about, but Ive always read it as a person who is exchanging money or drugs for sex, in whatever form that may take. He or she doesn't feel great about the choices being made but at the same time doesn't care what anyone thinks either. And now Ive made myself seem unseemly in that I enjoy this song, but really, I just appreciate the winding nature of it. It tells a story, whatever that may be, without really telling me the actual story. Its..WAIT FOR IT...

SUBTLE

Bruno, my PollyPocket Pal, please take note. Don't dumb down your songs because you are afraid people wont be able to understand that they are about sex. We are all pervs at heart, so you can bet your sweet tiny patootie that if there is any way possible to infer sexual content from a song, people will figure it out.



Have a great weekend,

Maria