Since the moment that little critter was free of my womb, I have felt just about every emotion known to man and have been in various states of nervous breakdown from a minor inkling of pending anxiety to full out holy shit there is no way I am going to make it 5 more minutes without my heart exploding or my brain shutting down permanently. Overall, Id say 50% of my time has been spent seriously questioning my sanity.
I have had 50 days to think about how I want to write about the process of becoming a first time parent, and its been tough because unless you express to the world that you are the glowing specimen of motherly perfection, people wonder what the hell is wrong with you. As a woman, you are supposed to take on this motherhood thing with grace and gentleness and unconditional love and devotion to your new offspring all with an angelic smile on your face. And even if you arent feeling all of those things all of the time or even some of the time, you arent supposed to talk about it because the majesty of meeting something you grew like a CreepyCrawler inside your body for 9 months is supposed to overpower any feelings of self doubt, frustration, or shame.
In my case, this was far from reality. And Im guessing in many first time mom's cases, it is also far from reality, but due to social convention you probably never heard them tell about the crappy times. Or if you did, it was months and even years after the fact when they were at a perspective where they were able to laugh about it all and even look back on those really crazy, intense times with fondness and even longing. I wanted to give the perspective of someone who is still very much in the trenches, but whom after 50 days finally feels like shes on stable ground again. SO because I have probably 5 minutes before the monster wakes up and wants to eat again, Im going to list things Ive learned so far about being a first time parent
1) Put down the books. Turn off the computer. Go to a few classes, but only because they are kind of fun to do with your life partner. In reality, everything you need to know about the basics in caring for your infant you can learn by simply paying attention to the damn thing. This sounds so simple, but in my case was/is super difficult to do. I have wasted so many hours looking up shit online in an effort to figure out what Im doing wrong as a mom or what must be wrong with my kid instead of just PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS CUES. What a concept! I promise once you catch on to this things become 100% easier. This is something grandmas know inherently and they are very good at it, so look to them for advice on becoming more present for your mushball.
2) For certain babies and then subsequently their first time parents, the first two weeks can be hell. Especially if you had a traumatic labor experience. Maybe you will have one of those babies that whimpers quietly a few times when hes hungry, or makes a few tiny peeps to let you know she is uncomfortable Congratulations! and also I hate you. If your future children are anything like my son, they will fucking scream bloody murder the first 2 weeks until you finally figure out what the hell you are doing and how to meet all of their needs. And really, I dont blame them. I become a horrible person to be around if I havent eaten or am really overly tired, so it only makes sense that 'intense people begot intense infants.' Ezekiel 15:5
3) The life you had before will disappear for a while.....maybe even for forever. You have to accept that. If you arent ready to, then wait a few more years before having kids.Honestly, this has been a really hard one for me. I guess I never realized how much I liked doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. I thought my life would remain the same, except Id have a cute little happy tiny person with me while I was doing it. I think that some day this will definitely be the case, but I was quite delusional in the timeline of me gazing lovingly at my adorable baby sitting calmly in his swing while allowing me to complete an entire session of Physique 57 after starting 3 loads of laundry and putting a roast in the crockpot 5 weeks post partum.
3a) What my life actually looked like at 5 weeks post partum: After 3-4 hours of sleep total, I alternate between trying to pump enough milk every 3 hours, trying not to fall asleep, changing diapers, trying not to fall asleep, washing pumping equipment, feeding bebe on demand, walking bebe on demand, entertaining bebe on demand, trying not to fall asleep, and sitting on the couch. Lots and lots of couch sitting. Sometimes I remember to eat and go to the bathroom. A lot of the time I feel really bored and sluggish and daydream of the times at work where I could go for walks to the copy machine without thinking about keeping someone else alive. But as time has passed I get about 2 hours of smiling and laughing a day too from a tiny creature that looks like me which is pretty awesome and amazing.
4) Your body changes after birth no matter what you do, no matter how much you will it not to. Your stomach doesnt magically go back to sexy within 2 weeks. It looks like a deflated balloon. You may get stretch marks that dont go away. Your perfect boobs lose their oompf. If youre breast feeding or pumping, your nipples hurt. Your nether regions can become a source of major depression. To sum up, unless you are rich or a celebrity, you wont be entering any bikini contests right away. Thats ok. You can get your shit back together. Im not telling you this because I already have, but rather because Ive seen it done. I know its possible. I cling to that fact as I sit on my couch-glued ass typing this while dreaming of the day I will get 57 minutes to work out uninterrupted.
5) Having a kid will be the ultimate test in whether or not youve chosen the correct life partner. Luckily for me, I did. My husband has been 100% my life saver. He has helped me out of debilitating anxiety attacks, reocurrence after reocurrence of self doubt, and on again off again days of intense depression. He is amazing with our son and has stood by me through my worst. I wish for you the same luck I have had. If your partner is anything less than amazing, turn to friends or family for the emotional support you need.
5a) Post Partum Depression is a very real, very common thing even if you feel like its not. You are not alone. It can manifest as either anxiety or depression or both and lasts past the first month. I still have days where I know Im not completely out of the woods with mine, but do not hesitate to talk to someone about the things you are feeling. Not talking about it makes it spiral out of control and the mini human you just made needs you to be ok enough mentally to take care of him. It will get better but you have to acknowledge it first to work through it.
6) Nothing anyone can tell you, nothing you can read, nothing you watch on youtube can ever really prepare you for having a kid. If anyone could really explain to you what having a newborn is like, the human race would have died out years ago. I thought I was prepared. I thought I knew what to expect. I was completely blown away. It was like jumping into a freezing lake in winter. But guess what? Im alive. My son is too and hes healthy and growing and becoming cooler every day. My husband and I dont have the freedom to enjoy each other like we used to but we are now closer than ever. And we get nights and weekends to enjoy this tiny little person we made together and let him know how great we think he is and how much we love him. So overall, Id rate having a kid somewhere between having your eyes gouged out with a spoon and winning the lottery the day after marrying the person of your dreams in Mexico.
So yeah. Hang in there. It will get better every week. And someday you may be able to come home to a handsome face like this every day.
Happy New Year Players
~Maria & JackAttack
