I realize Ive been gone for months. Its not because I don't like you, its more because I just stopped caring. But don't take that personally, I started working out in the wee hours of the morning, and an unintended consequence of this action was a complete loss of motivation to write. But, never fear! today I'm writing.
So a good friend of mine was recently selected to be a judge in a 7th grade ESL short story contest, and because she is the shiat, she sent me the entries she received and I was immeasurably jealous that she was participating in something so awesome. The stories I read were fantastic and featured such lines as "he was as handsome as a newborn chick" which made me almost pee myself with glee. *Side Note* If you aren't aware, ESL students are ones whose first language is not English, and because of this, the stories were both extremely intricate, and creative. *Other Side Note* 'Merican kids have forgotten the lost art of creativity. I like to think "Sweet Life on Deck" and Totino's pizza rolls are partially to blame for this. As I read all of the entries, I realized that I really miss creative writing, and short stories and just being able to write nonsense without having to worry about fact checking and making sure what I'm saying isn't complete bullshit and all of that. So today's entry is going to be whatever happens to come to my mind. I hope you enjoy it.
Cornitos
You may not know it by looking at me, but I have a very famous Uncle. He is a successful Cuban-born, American rapper, singer-song writer, and record producer, and his name happens to be Pitbull. He is my mother's brother, and he is someone I have looked up to since I was a tiny baby waddling around in diapers. Now, I know a lot of you may have differing opinions on whether or not my Uncle is actually talented, but let me just clear up any confusion for you by saying this: My Uncle Pitbull is both a saint and a scholar. He is a giant among men, and is one of the nicest people you could ever meet. Here look at this picture of him, he sent it to me when he was on tour in Brazil with Ne-Yo.
If you still aren't convinced of my Uncle's wonderfulness, check this out:
Thats my pet miniature piglet, Cornitos. Pitbull sent him to me for my birthday last month, and I can honestly say he's the best present Ive ever received, hands down. This is Cornitos after I gave him a bath yesterday--hes loves baths. And that blue thing in the front of the photo is Cornitos' favorite sweater vest, even though it looks like a ball. Its a sweater vest, I can assure you. Don't question me, I took the picture.
Cornitos lives in an Addias shoebox that rests on top of my dresser, and so far this arrangement has worked out pretty well. He enjoys walking back and forth across the dresser parading around in that sweater vest I was telling you about. Hes so proud of that damn thing, I should probably get him another one soon. Or maybe a tiny track suit and a mini boom box. I think he'd like that.
I've never had a pet miniature piglet before so I wasn't really sure what to feed one. I don't know if this is normal for this species or what, but Cornitos is obsessed with Jujubes and malt liquor. He goes through like 1 40 oz a week, I don't know if I should be worried or impressed. But he classes it up by using his tuxedo coozy, and he refuses to drink without his monocle, so you see why I have a hard time scolding him, I mean he looks like hes enjoying himself so much, I don't really have the heart to tell him to knock it off and eat beans and corn and tortilla like normal pigs do.
I found out recently that Cornitos' life expectancy 12-20 years, and I'm pretty excited about that. Although I don't know if his binge drinking will have any impact on this estimate, I'm glad to say that I let my mini pig friend enjoy his life to the fullest. And he seems pretty happy in his shoebox. I mean, he doesn't seem distressed or scared or anything, and hes eating his jujubes, and having regular colorful bowel movements, so I think its safe to say he is happy.
Yesterday, we got a postcard in the mail from one of Cornitos' brothers, Richard. Apparently hes living in a coffee mug over on the West Cost, and is understandably upset about his current living situation.
Cornitos asked me to write Richard back and invite him to live with us, seeing as we have another perfectly good shoebox available for rent on the dresser, but I'm not sure if Richard will accept or not. Apparently hes kind of a drama queen and Cornitos thinks hes happier in his coffee mug than he lets on, but because hes a middle child, he often feels the need to act out for attention. Cornitos receives postcards like this every few months. I'm fine with it either way, as long as Richard knows that he has to contribute to the household if he does in fact decide to live here. Cornitos helps out around the house by vacuuming every other day. I just got him a new Dyson, and he was so excited, I wish I would have caught his reaction on tape.
Well I should probably go now, I hear Cornitos calling me in the bathroom. He probably fell into the toilet again. Hes having kind of a hard time figuring out how to flush without falling in. But don't worry, I make sure he puts on his life jacket every time he enters the bathroom. Its hanging on a little peg next to the baseboard, and he figured out how to fasten it himself, so he should be fine. Oh and one more thing, Cornitos just yelled that he wanted me to tell you to "stop being a pussy and call that Asian chick you met at Tires Plus last week because if you dont, hes going to call her and show her a good time, if you know what he means "... and now hes cracking up, and I think he just fell into the toilet again from laughing too hard. God hes such a perv, sorry about that. Hes probably been drinking.
