At present time and location I am in possession of one male toddler, age one year and 3 months--I am well aware that many people without children hate the usage of months to mark age--so for those who speak kid, one male toddler, almost 15 month old. He can be a pain in the ass, while at the same time being the coolest person Ive ever met. I don't know how, but children of this age have somehow figured out a way to be both adorable and infuriating all within the same second and have mastered doing so without the majority of their actions resulting in being thrown off a bridge. This in and of itself, is an impressive accomplishment. What can we learn from these tiny beings that may make our own adult lives easier? Things, lots of things. I am not suggesting that you need to have or adopt your own kid to learn these life lessons. All you really need is about 8-10 hours with someone under the age of 3. So go borrow your niece or best friends kid and take a full day to bask in all their horrible glory. In his 456 days of outside the womb existence, these are the things Ive learned from my toddler son so far:
1) Hanging on to things is an effective method of refusing to do other things
Their hands shouldn't be that strong. They have the hand strength of a mountain gorilla. It doesn't make sense.
2) Food is meant to be enjoyed, except when it's gross, then it's meant to be scraped off of your tongue and thrown forcefully at whatever is within a 3 foot radius
If food tastes good and you like it, eat it as fast as you can until you choke. Choking is a subtle way of of complimenting the chef. If other people are eating things around you that look like they'd be good, freak out until they give in and let you eat some. If they stop feeding it to you and it was good, scream. If they give you it and it's actually gross, make a disgusted face like they just fed you dog crap, and throw it on the floor. The throw is important because it lets them know that you are really disappointed in them.
3) Scream and flail whenever people try to help dress you
"Did you ask me if you could touch me? No? Here's what happens when you don't respect my boundaries--shit gets real. I was trying to put my finger in this tiny hole in the wall and you think you can just expose me to the world and its elements? Fuck you. You're rude."
4) Lotion and face washing are the exact same thing as being water-boarded
5) If people don't understand what you are saying, become louder, and continue to speak in a combination of Japanese and German
This puts the pressure on them to figure out what you are saying. It's like Catch Me If You Can--confidence wins out over knowledge every time. But you have to stay committed.
6) Climb everything that's more than a foot off the ground because once you get to the top of it you get to sit there and feel great about your accomplishment.
"Acknowledging the every day small achievements is more rewarding than pining the larger ones that have yet to be" ~Me, in an attempt to sound wise
7) Animals are neato
The dog my son has isn't even overly found of him, yet the boy thinks the sun shines out of that animal's asshole. Squealing and hopping are an acceptable and expected response to noticing any type of creature.
8) Pointing is Universal
Visiting a foreign country? Just point at things. Someone will eventually figure out what you need help with. Tired of walking ? Holding your arms above your head and looking up pathetically should result in being picked up by the nearest kind stranger.
9) Shoes are a tool used by The Man to keep you down
Go barefoot as much as possible. If you live in a cold climate, make sure the days when it is warm, you let your toes reconnect with mother earth. It is also good for pretending you are a street urchin or that you shipwrecked on a desert island. If someone does put shoes on your feet (asshole) make sure you walk funny when you're wearing them and then take them off as soon as you get in the car when no ones watching. That's the only way they (asshole) will understand how much you think they(shoes) suck.
10) There is something to be learned in the act of upending a box of Q tips 27 times in one day
Much like Tibetan monks that practice the art of the Sand Mandala, often times the process is more important than the final result. And other times we are just going to leave those tiny sticks lying on the bathroom floor because we've stopped caring for the day. Either way. Either way is fine.
11) When something is frustrating or disappointing, scream and roll all over the ground
Collapsing into a heap is also acceptable. If you don't physically get rid of your emotions sometimes, they get repressed and you will explode. Like Violet Beauregarde. With less blueberry and more cray.
12) Push all the Buttons
Even if people yell at you. Especially if people yell at you. It is always worth it. You just launched nuclear missiles towards the moon? Worth it. Never refuse the call of the Button.
13) If you find a bit of string or an old sock or some kind of rubber band, the correct way to deal with it is to put it on your head and walk around like you're Ru Paul in Vera Wang.
You own that shit. You look really good. People are impressed with your ingenuity and confidence.
13a) Alternatively, if you find a bit of string or an old sock or some kind of rubber band, the correct way to deal with it is to put it in your mouth and act like nothing happened
What string? Mouths are a great way of carrying things when your clothes don't have functional pockets.
14) A nice way to wind down for the evening involves running up and down the hallway yelling 'BLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHWAAAAAAHHHHHH' really loudly while your dad is trying to send work emails
It's a pretty well known fact that screaming nonsense at a high volume is on par with quiet meditative yoga and Tai Chi in terms of relaxation. It stimulates your neurons and the neurons of everyone within earshot to release serotonin. I'm surprised you didn't know that.
15) Oh look, you found something with wheels! Push it until it slams into a wall. Oh look you found a box! Push it until it slams into a wall. Oh look, you found a folding chair! Attempt to push it until it collapses and you get hurt
Even though no one will admit it, showing everyone your feats of strength is as equally impressive as seeing Harvard on a resume. It will get you places.
15a) If someone gives you a piece of fruit, squeeze it in your fist until your hand shakes and the fruit is just pulp and a puddle of leaking juices
God, you're impressive. Do you know that? Just really, really a neat person to be around. I know who to call next time that pasta sauce jar is stuck too tight!
16) Opening and Closing things is an art form, and there need to be financed studies dedicated to it
"This door closes. But it opens back up again. Did you see that?? Are you watching? I closed it, but I opened it right back up! Why aren't you impressed with this?? OMFG. The drawers on the night stand open too. Holy shit. This is incredible!! I will live foreverrrrr!!!"
17) Just dance. Always.
Why wouldn't you? The music is right there.
18) When someone asks you to give them a kiss, make sure its open mouthed and that you just ate a banana or something beforehand so its extra slobbery
Aint no one gonna turn down a wet banana kiss. No sane person anyways.
19) You are the coolest. Never forget it
Most kids of this age--that are fortunate and lucky-- have no clue about the crappy parts of life yet. They can act goofy and crazy and just have fun and don't have to give a fuck about what anyone thinks about them. As we age, the art of this becomes lost. So we have to forcefully remind ourselves over and over not to let that inner toddler die.
And if all else fails:
20) When life gets to be too much, walk backwards into the nearest lap and collapse
